So here is this girl I met during the summer. We hit off pretty well, watched movies till 4am, hung around doing stuffs. Then she went off to college, I went back to my college. She is a freshman. I keep in touch with her. Our conversations are always amazing, at least it is how I see it ( we laughed a lot and each conversations normally lasted for at least an hour). Suddenly, she “disappears”. It has been about 2 weeks I haven’t talked to her. I am not really in love with her, at least yet so it wont be a heart breaking decision for me to leave her alone but I really want to know what happened because IIRC there weren’t any indications of her uncomfort when we talked.
Can anyone present me theory of what is going on ?
Wild guess is that she started dating someone at her school. You were in “the friend zone.” Her other relationship may or may not work out, so you may want to just be calm, focus on your life and your school, and get in touch with her in a week or two to see how it’s going. Don’t come off stalkerish.
When someone you’re in the very early stages of a romantic relationship with vanishes, 99.9% of the time it’s because they’ve decided they don’t want to pursue a romantic relationship with you. Sure, 0.1% of the time it’s actually because they got hit by a bus, or lost all your contact information somehow, or got amnesia, but it’s best to just assume they’re not interested and move on.
Maybe she’s had a ton of homework, or went out for a sport or other after school activity? Could her job have become more demanding? There is a chance that while she sees what you have together as a friendship, that it could still become more. I might wait a bit, and if she still hasn’t contacted you, send her a brief “hello” and ask how she’s been. That way, you’ll find out one way or the other.
It appear obvious that she probably doesn’t want me anymore but what I am after is what might have happended in her mind that is so sudden and unpredicted. Things were going smooth and then …bam.
I am ready to end this but if I can’t figure out what went wrong, it will haunt me for a while.
Any female Dopers have done that before, please come up and explain the process.
How many percent this could be a misunderstanding. Maybe she hears something about me that is among her deal breaker list ?
Some people aren’t good at the confrontation inherent in rejecting someone, so they simply disappear. You’ll be a lot happier if you just assume it wasn’t anything you did wrong. Maybe she met someone else, maybe she realized she simply wasn’t into you enough to make it worth dating someone at another school, maybe it just wasn’t a good time for her to start dating someone. It doesn’t really matter. She didn’t want to date you, but that’s her problem, not yours. Don’t let it get you down.
Some practical advice, for what it’s worth: send off one email (just one) asking what’s up, how you’re doing, haven’t heard from you, etc. If she doesn’t reply, leave it and move on–somebody better’s out there.
Maybe someone stole her cell phone? Her Internet server is down? She’s in the hospital with a serious illness? Someone in her family has died and so she returned home and isn’t checking messages?
I wouldn’t jump to conclusions. Have you asked her directly: “Hey, what’s up? Why haven’t you called me in two weeks?”
Assuming that you’re sure she knows you’ve tried to contact her, give it up…you’ll only make yourself crazy trying to figure out why she disappeared on you.
“Now I was sitting waiting wishing
That you believed in superstitions
Then maybe you’d see the signs
But Lord knows that this world is cruel
And I ain’t the Lord, no I’m just a fool
Learning loving somebody don’t make them love you”
-Jack Johnson, “Sitting, Waiting, Wishing”
It sucks, but sometimes you never get to know the truth of what happened. Never say never; I hope you hear from her, but you shouldn’t waste your time sitting around, waiting for her, wishing you knew what happened.
Love Jack Johnson! Saw him just last week at the end of his tour. Awesome!!!
As for the girlie advice, Aside from sending or leaving a quick message, you can’t make someone talk or tell you anything if they don’t want to. Regardless of what you deserve or feel is the right thing to do. If she was or is a true friend at some point you will talk…and if not any time soon than I think you have an answer of some kind even if you don’t have the details.
What do you mean by this? Were you doing romantic stuff, or hanging around like you were brother and sister?
If the latter, she probably thinks you aren’t interested in her “that way” and has (mentally) wandered off in search of a more fulfilling relationship.
If you were making out/boinking and she liked the situation, maybe she decided the long distance aspect of things doesn’t suit her.
Either way, one more email or call from you with no response from her should signal the End Of This Deal.
You make time for people you care about. Even if it’s just a few minutes, a quick hello, you make that time.
Maybe she was abducted by aliens. Maybe she drowned in her toilet. Maybe she turned into a monkey. Maybe she chewed her fingernails, which led to hangnails and infection, which eventually led to the amputation of both of her arms and now she can’t dial.
My theory: She doesn’t want to be with you, for whatever reason, and she’s too chicken to tell you that. The reason itself is completely irrelevent and could be a combination of a bunch of things, or nothing at all. Move on; there’s a whole world of people out there.
Whatever you do, do not, I repeat DO NOT go to her school, find her friends, interrogate them until they tell you where she is, find her and propose marriage.
My ex did this to another girl (long after we dated). He still doesn’t understand why she won’t see him.
Move on, as hard as that is. Good luck to you, Aquafina.
So she sent me a message today saying sorry for not being able to talk to me. She said she was busy. Now, I am more confused. The ball now is in my court, isn’t it. But I don’t know what should be my next move.
Should I letting her know how I have been feeling or should I just pretend nothing happened and I am indifferent about the lack of conversation between us.
Did you ever make out with her? If you did, there’s about a 10% chance of saving the relationship.
Actually, scratch that. It sounds like you two are separated by a substantial distance. She’s not into you in that way, no question in my mind. Turn lemons into lemonade and ask out some girl in one of your classes. Even if you “don’t normally do that sort of thing,” now’s the time to start. The earlier you learn to get the guts to ask someone out, the more confident you’ll be around girls later, and confidence is one thing damn near everyone likes.
Proceed slowly. That doesn’t mean that you should pretend to be indifferent about your lack of communication. That means that you shouldn’t profess feelings that are inappropriate given the context of your relationship.
As it stands now, you have a friend. Friends do lunch, they go to movies. Either way, it would be entirely acceptable for you to invite her to lunch or dinner. If she begs off, then take the hint that she’s not really interested in you but is unwilling to hurt your feelings.
My WAG: She has a new romantic interest. He’s there, you’re not.
I wouldn’t invest too much in this. Just keep in touch, be friendly and maybe you’ll get laid the next time you are both back in whereever you guys met.
