My girl saga continues

Okay this is a continuation of this these threads…

Well, for those that have been following my saga of the girl I fell in love with but had to leave. It was a very difficult time in my life. I have to admit that, but now I am feeling much better about everything now. I have been thinking about starting a new thread about this lately, and I wasn’t sure if I should do it or not, but maybe those dopers that responded or read the others would be interested to know.

So basically I realized that she had let go, and it wasn’t for any other reason than that she couldn’t do another long-distance relationship now. I came to terms with that, and it made me really sad that she didn’t feel like it, and that I still wanted it to work. Well, I eventually got over it, but a few things have happened since then that have given me a sense of satisfaction, but not hope.

So I sent her the sad email that said that I knew that I would have to move on. After that point I was a little sad, but I knew that I just had to deal with it and get over it, and that is what I have done. But very strangely, about a week after I did this, she sent me an email saying a lot of nice things. She said how she was so happy that I understood how I felt, and that how she had been thinking a lot of nice things about us and how it was a really nice time that we had together. She even suggested that we visit each other some time and asked if I was still coming to Europe.

Honestly I didn’t read too much into this email. I took it at face value. I didn’t and don’t expect her to come around and say how much she wishes that I would come and be with her and sweep her off her feet, etc.

So not much had happened since then. But her birthday came up and I decided to get her a present. I got her a movie. Now, I remember her saying that she liked a certain movie (I won’t say which) but it was really funny to me, because she had such good taste in art, so it was very surprising that this was her favorite movie. She mentioned to me how there were two related movies by the same director once, and I got those for her. She was really thankful and said that she wished she could give me a big kiss. (different from saying that she wants to kiss me of course English isn’t her first language, but she is pretty good at usage). Then out of the blue, she sent me another SMS that night saying how she wished that “we” were going out in the town that we lived in together while sudying aborad and eating breakfast later that night. This “we” isn’t necesarrily just the two of us, but the only two times we went there were very special. The first time we were there together we weren’t together yet, but she told me that she knew she was in love with me after that night. The second time we were together. But like I said, I don’t consider this to be an obvert sign that she misses me all of a sudden.

Then she writes me an email last sunday because she promised to send me one after she got that present. There wasnt’ anything special in it, but she mentioned that her best friend was going back to Germany to visit the town we were in, and said that she would go, but she thought it would just make her miss the people that she was with there, for instance, me. Those were her words. (She used you instead of me, obviously

She forgot to thank me for the gift, but the next mornign she sent another email thanking me for the gift. So I emailed her this morning telling her all the things that have happened since I last emailed her and surprisingly she wrote me back in almost no time at all. And she included a picture. That is really weird, because she never has done that.

I’ll add that in my emails since I have told her that I understand I have been much less optimistic about our chances of being together. At least I have in my emails to her. Before I was really optimistic, and so now I haven’t shown that to her at all.

Could she be trying to get that back? I have well passed the point where I try to read any kind of positive action on her part as a kind of sign that she is trying to send. But could she be trying in a non-descript way to keep things up in the air? I have been writing her in a kind of “Its over” kind of way, and she suggests that we visit each other at some point.

The sad thing is that her picture seems a little sad. She has a kind of fake smile going on. I am not saying that she isn’t happy, but she doesn’t have the “happy eyes” that don’t betray a smile. I wonder if she is actually missing me more than she would like to say for fear that I will go back to wanting to see her again. Maybe she is just trying to get me in a place where we can start again when I come back to Europe? I don’t know, really. Maybe its nothing. I have long past the point where put any stock in my interpretations of her feelings. But her responses lately, and the way she has been dropping hints makes me seem like she is trying to reach out to me in a way, and maybe I should respond. The thing about her saying that she would miss me is one that really calls my attention. Also her saying how she wishes “we” were going out together in Germany again is another.

So should I try to open up to her and admidt that I still miss her a little bit. Is that what she’s trying to do, in a subtle way? Why mention it at all? I am at a point now where I could take it or leave it, but if she is changing her mind, my memories of how good it was (I don’t feel them anymore, however) tell me that I should respond. I write her back, but I don’t really talk about how I still miss her.

Any thoughts?

This might sound really harsh, but I think you need to stop talking to her. Completely. It sounds like it’s hurting you every time you hear from her, since she’s giving you such incredibly mixed messages (for whatever reason). Maybe sometime in the future you could be friends, but for right now I think you need to quit talking at all. And no more presents.

In other words, you need to actually move on. You’re only prolonging the pain. Honest. I feel for you, I do. But QUIT TALKING TO HER. It’s only hurting you more.

Thanks for the advice White Rabbit, but I suppose that its hard for me to convery my feelings for her right now.

She doesn’t make me feel sad at all right now, and I have no beliefs that I will ever be with her again. Even if I find out that she did like me I wouldnt necessarily think it is a good thing.

I didn’t post here to say that I was sad about this stuff anymore, but that it was just baffling to me now. I was a little surprised the other day how I essentially had no feelings for her now. When I saw that she had sent a photo, I was a little nervous, because I thought all of those feelings would come back, but they didn’t. I just guess I’ve been hardened by all of this, but honestly, don’t worry about me. I am not about to be sad again. In fact, I rarely think about her.

So let it be known, that the questions I have here aren’t geared towards getting her back, or towards making me happier with the relationship. I expect nothing and I am happy with that now. Her recent changes (if they do exist) don’t really affect me. Once I decide to get over these things, it happens quickly.

Since I posted in your earlier threads, I’ll try again.

Try to force some kind of committment out of her. If she won’t give you solid encouragement, something like: “Come and get me, I’ll never want to be with anybody else ever again”, then move along. It sounds to me like she’s trying to string you along so she’ll have a backup plan if all else fails.

Sorry, but it’s my opinion that you need to press this issue and get it settled once and forever, one way or the other.

Good luck!

Merkwurdigliebe In one of my replies to you I submitted a link to a book that was taken off by the moderators. In it is a strategy for regaining a “lost” relationship. What you have done (quite maturely I might add) is one of the processes they describe. Rather than tell her she is wrong and that there is hope, you have put yourself on her side by agreeing that she is right. Essentially, you have become her confidant now. This leaves the door open for more possibilities. It makes you both “on the same side”. You don’t want to lose this. Because whether you have given up or not, she will be your friend. Remember, lovers come and go, but friends are forever. It sounds like a mature way to keep in touch with someone who means you no harm and genuinely cares for you.

You have no email listed, otherwise I would have sent you a private email. If you like, you can email me and I will tell you more. Please put SDMB in the subject or I will not know it is you.

I’m almost positive that is something that she DOESN’T want. I have pushed her way too much already. She probably just wants to take more time being alone but is now starting to realize that she doesn’t want to lose me.

I plan on taking it slow.

I still think a time-out would be your best bet – yours and hers – at the moment. She wants to be alone? Fine. No contact for, say, a couple of months. After that, look at the situation and figure out if you guys want to be together. If not, call it quits and wish each other the best.

Frankly, if the roles were reversed and I was in your shoes, I think I’d have given up entirely long before this. But it’s easy for me to say that, and my one major breakup was such that if I never talk to him again, it’ll be too soon.

Look at your above statement: You’ve typed something about what she wants three times. Nowhere have you typed about what you want. Does what she wants matter so much more than what you want?

Since you’re the one that’s in this game you’ll have to play it the way you see it. I’d either have the girl or be entirely finished with the situation by now, but that’s just me.

Dude, give it up. She’s trying very hard to be nice and tell you to blow off.

many hugs for Merkwurdigliebe

I love ya, mate, but I think you’re reading too much into her responses. From what you’ve said, it sounds like she wants to be friends–not lovers, but good friends. This is not necessarily a bad thing at all. :wink:

Give yourself time, and heal properly, and then establish a friendship with this girl–she sounds nice.

Ha ha. Doesn’t look that way.

Seems that you are still pretty hung up on this girl.
And you appear to be reading into every single signal she sends.

I think you should probably wait for her to make an overt move. She could still be trying to figure out what she wants, and you could blow it all by being too aggressive.

And I doubt you need to worry about missing some subtle signal from her.
She knows how you feel, so if she wants to get back together, she’ll let you know.
Good luck. :slight_smile:

I got a lot of advice from Sensuallips in private, but otherwise I probably shouldn’t have written the thread because you guys are totally misunderstanding my intentions. Maybe because I may have written the OP poorly?

I am not trying to hang on. I have already let go. I know when that happens, and I really would believe myself before you guys, because while I really respect your opinions, I know when I have moved on or not. I have gone through this before and I know when it has happened.

But the fact is that she was being pushed away by my pressure earlier and she was rejecting me. I realized this and decided to move on. Just because I see her as trying to pull me in doesn’t mean that I have changed my mind about moving on. I think she’s a speical person, but I know I’ll be just as happy without her as I would with her.

So you guys can keep trying to tell me to let go, but its basically already done. The only reason I even posted here was to give you guys an update I guess and see what you thought about this change in behavior. She has changed, but it doesn’t mean much to me.

It’s funny how these things happen. When you were “chasing” she was running away. Now you’ve given up the chase and she’s more interested. Happens a lot. One possibility (and not knowing either one of you or the details of your involvement, I’m throwing out a possiblity, not a judgement): Your attention was flattering to her. It sounds like she genuinely likes you as a person, i.e., you’re not giving her “creepy stalker” feelings, and has enjoyed interacting with you, but just isn’t up for a relationship with you for whatever reason. But having you pull away, she’s missing the attention and the warm fuzzies of being pursued. She’s probably still not interested in a romantic relationship, but doesn’t want to give up the feeling that you want her. It’s probably a good ego boost to her. Not to say she doesn’t care on some level about you personally, but the romantic piece could just be a flattering possibility that she doesn’t think can work into something long-term. So I’m glad you’ve moved on and hope, if you’re looking, you are able to find something less one-sided.