She’s not really my girl anymore though… This is a continuation of the saga detailed in this thread .
Well, a lot has happened since then and not much, actually. I am so fucking sad now though and I just really want things to make sense. I am not such a well known doper around here, but maybe you guys could make me feel better
This girl means a lot to me, but what really bothers me is that we have had such a shitty ending. That is to say that there was no end. See, she isn’t such an emotional girl, but I tend to be more emotional at times too. I fell in love with her because I liked the fact that she is independent in that she doesn’t need a guy to make her feel good. Anyways. I appealed to her emotions in the letter that I wrote her telling her that I was in love with her. She liked it so much and said that she had felt that once before but she had to try it again because she couldn’t miss the chance. We had our time together and it was great. It was everything that I thought it would be and she was really sad when I left. But since then she has simply moved on. I told her in that letter how some things are worth trying even though it didn’t make much sense. She lives in Denmark, anyways. And she told me that it felt good knowing that she had made the right deciscion to dump her boyfriend. I thought then that she felt that it was worth trying too. I went to visit her and things were great.
But I never thought that she’d forget. And that’s what makes this so hard. She isn’t an emotional girl and won’t ever go back to feeling that way about me again.
I called her today and could tell that she wasn’t excited to talk to me, so I decided that I knew what was going on. She had moved on. She had written me earlier that she just can’t hang on to those emotions.
I made her happy in so many ways, (sexually, emotionally, and I made her laugh a lot and we had interesting conversations). She liked just about everything about me good and bad. I felt free to be my true self from her and hide nothing. It made me even happier when she told me that she likes that part about me. I just can’t understand how she can forget about such good feelings.
Right now I don’t doubt that she had those feelings, but I do know that we are just different. She is very happy living with what is realisitic, and I am willing to go great lengths to improve on something. I understand that now, but it just hurts me too much because it feels like shit.
So I wrote her a text message telling her that I realized that I should move on now and that I am sorry I have bothered her by trying to get her to change her mind. She did make a deciscion like that based on her emotions once, but since she hasn’t seen me I guess she forgot why she made that choice that time.
I know that if I am ever to be with her again that I will have to start from the beginning. There is no way I can get her to have these feelings for me again without me being there. But then I don’t even know if that is possible. For me to be with her again I would have to go to Denmark. But if I go, how can I possibly even convince her, let alone anyone else that I am not just some loser.
So I have this choice to make. I want to study for a Masters Degree in Europe somewhere. Actually part of me wants to study in Denmark just because I really liked it a lot there. I really loved the people and how their attitude towards a lot of things are. There is also a program there that interests me a lot and there are a lot of foreign students there too. But then there is this part of me that will want to go just because I may have a chance with my favorite girl in the world again. That’s pretty pathetic, right?
Even if she wanted, somehow, to have another chance with me she wouldn’t be able to say that because that is a huge step. For her to suggest that I move to her city so we could have a “chance” to see what would happen wouldn’t be right either.
But how can I ever get over her anyway? I have never met someone who understood me so well, and who made me so happy. The next girl I find I’ll only wish it were her. We never had any bad moments and we were together 24-7
But I am afraid I have already screwed it up already by being so pathetic about the whole situation. If I were to ever to go to Denmark again how could she respect me? I doubt she would. I told her to write me telling me how she felt, and she said that she would on friday because she went out of town. It would be nice to know that she felt sad about all of this but I don’t think she does
So I am pretty sure that she’s the love of my life, and I don’t know about her, but I know she felt something really special too. We used to talk about this special “something” that we had. We couldn’t define it, but she felt it too. She would just sort of look at me with the slightest smile like she was trying to hold it in, as if to say, why does he make me happy by just being himself. Okay that’s hard to describe, but it was a good feeling.
So about two weeks ago I wrote her a letter describing all of those nice feelings. I even made her a cd with some music and sent her some pictures of us together. She said that it made her feel really good and reminded her of all of the nice times that we had and how she thought how sweet I was. But then I wrote her a letter trying to concince her it was worth it to hold on to those feelings. She wrote me back saying that she couldn’t.
Life is just a piece of shit for me now. I lost her now because she doesn’t feel its worth it to be a little unrealistic. It really sucks but that’s the truth. That’s why I hate this situation.
I’ve been looking my whole life for someone who really understand me and makes me happy. She did both of these, and I made her really happy too. But I have to put her in the past now, like she did with me a lot longer before.
I don’t know what she’s going to write me in her email on friday, but I’m sure it won’t be “good” I already know what she’s going to write. Its just too sad to deal with. We had something beautiful, but it ended because of the circumstances, and she isn’t a hopeless romantic like me who would do anything to be with the perfect person. I know that is why she was with her old boyfriend for 5 years.
She used to write me telling me how she would sleep in my tshirt that I left her. She told me how she had a picture of me up. But then one day she took it down. I suppose me keeping her picture up won’t do me any good anyway.
I suppose I’ll do something a little crazy. I’ll post a pic of .