Well guys, I don’t really know where else to turn for advice, so hopefully someone here will give me some new advice. I am having serious problems with a girl now and I need lots of help. I am really scared and I am sad about it and I’ll explain why later.
Before we start, this girl is the girl of my dreams. When we were together, I was very happy and she was too. It was the best relationship I have ever had, emotionally and sexually.
I was studying in Germany and she had a boyfriend back home in Denmark but she cheated on him with me once and then he came to visit so she had to call it off. Then she had sex with me again once about three days after he left. He sort of knew something was wrong so she went back to Denmark to tell him the truth for a week so she could get her head back on straight.
After she came back, I knew it was over then. I was a little sad, but I didn’t know why. I never really planned for her to break up with her boyfriend, but I was just hoping that we could have a nice relationship there. I was sad, though because I was starting to get the idea that she was someone special.
We saw each other around town. She was set to go back home on the 28th. We saw each other with increasing frequency and she told me that she thought I was a special person one night and that was a nice thing to hear.
So about two weeks before she had to go home we went out together (in a group) and we were really close and I started falling in love with her then. I really knew how special she was then and I really wanted to have something with her. She was rubbing my leg that night and we were holding hands. I wanted to kiss her but I didn’t.
Eventually I tried to meet up with her that week but she was trying to avoid me but she admited that she couldn’t sleep either. She later admited that she was avoiding me on purpose and that she thought she fell in love with me that night too. This was after I told her how I distinguished the difference between loving someone and being in love. I don’t know, doesn’t everyone make that distinction too?
So eventually one night she came to my house saying how it doesn’t change anything and it wasn’t likely that we would be together. So I wrote her a letter explaining how it would be and she really liked it a lot. She liked it so much that it made her question what to do. So we eventually started holding hands that night and right as the rest of the group turned the corner I pulled her hand and kissed her right in front of this crowded restuarant. After we finished kissing they applauded and I waved at them. These are the kind of things about me that she likes.We didn’t have sex that night, but the next night we did, and we spend the last week that she had in Germany together almost every single second. It was great and we really grew together during this time period. We really knew that we had something special together and when she left, we both had this feeling that there was somethign special between us. During the next week, I was trying to get her to come back to visit me, and eventually we decided that it woudl be better if I would come to Denmark, because she had a test about 11 days after she went back. She broke up with her boyfriend then too. They had been together for 5 years and lived in the same place for 2 but he had moved to another city. I came to Denmark with a friend of mine whose girlfriend also lived there. We had a great time together. I really can’t describe the feelings that we had. There were a few bad moments when she felt everything was going too fast. To alleviate the situation I just had to tell her that we only had to live in the moment and just enjoy each other the time that we had. This worked really well, and one of the last nights we were there she told me that she was in love with me too. She likes how I am interesting and entertaining and how I am different and smart. I really like her for all of her cute qualities and she is also beautiful. She also is so accepting of me that I feel no need to be careful about what I say. She thinks that I am a very special person.
Now when I came back, I wanted to get her to come and visit me in America in October. Money and time aren’t a problem, but she said that she just wanted to have some time alone to figure out what it is she wants in life. She now says that she isn’t ready for a relationship. I am though. But anyway back to the story. She and I have been in contact for the last three weeks (The amount of time that I have been away) it has been hard for both of us, because I want some kind of commitment and I realized today that the more I want it, the less comfortable she feels. Then she told me that she still thinks that I am a very special person, but she thinks that maybe I felt more than she did. I suppose that could be true, but I can tell when someone is happy and everyone else thinks that we were really happy together. We shared so many sweet special moments in this small amount of time that we were together that I know it can’t be that true. I think she feels that because she is afraid to commit, as she said, and I am. Its just my personality, though. But during the first couple of weeks she said how much she missed me, but she never said that she wouldn’t have sex with other guys. I think this whole monogamy thing tends to be a part of her rebellion to a commitment. She did say one day that she didn’t want to have sex with other guys. I guess that could have changed now though. I am pretty confident that it couldn’t be as good as it was with me, though. Not that I am so good in bed, ( I am pretty good, though) but because we just clicked sexually.
She thinks I am attractive, and she has told me that alot. But recently I started getting paranoid. Well, not paranoid, but just nervous and the more nervous I got the more I wanted a commitment and started wanting it and obviously the more I acted like that the more she acted like she didn’t want it.
One thing that we both agree on is that we would both like to be together right now and if I were in Denmark, then things would work really well. We just want to be able to see each other whenever we want to without having to make any big steps. For her coming to visit me would be a huge step, and for me it wouldn’t be such a big deal. Obviously she felt that it was too relationshipy. So eventually she emailed me saying that she didn’t want to talk on the phone so much, maybe like once a week, because it felt like she was in a relationship and it felt weird.
So I told her how it hurt me when she said that and eventually she mentioned how the last few days had driven us further apart and how she wasn’t ready for a relationship and how she didn’t like to be pushed into things. She also said that it seemed that I didn’t have any faith in what we had. We agreed that we thought it was going to work out somehow. I didn’t mean to be so pushy, but I just don’t want to loose the love of my life. I mean this girl is really great, and we go so well together that everything was perfect.
Now she says that she still misses me but she is just content for remembering what we had right now and that she wants some time to figure things out. I eventually realized that it wasn’t going to work the way I wanted it too. So I decided that it would be better to do things that way. I talked to her today and she was sick, but she still seemed to miss me and we talked about how nice it would be to be together. We got back a little of that feeling that we had, but now I am pondering what to do.
I am pretty sure I am going to try to contact her as little as possible. This pressure by me isn’t going to work. I guess I’ll call her once a week, but I want her to make the next move. She obviously has very special feelings for me, but I think I kind of screwed it up a little bit by pusing so hard.
I realized today that the relationship is somewhat like a rebellious teenager. Nothing negative intended. Teenagers rebel most of the time for immature reasons, but she has a good reason to not want what I do. Its just hard for me to understand, because before I got her closer to me by telling her how much I wanted to be with her and telling her nice stories about how it would be. And suddenly when it seems like we could be in a relationship she gets scared and reacts negatively. At first I think I just need to do more of it but eventually I realize my attempts to make her close just have a negative effect. That’s why I am going to try to give her her time.
But its a very scary thing to do. I think about her all the time and its driving me crazy. When I think of her having sex with another guy it really drives me crazy and makes me feel really bad. We agreed earlier that we would probably avoid sex because of how it would taint what we had. I eventually told her that I thought it was stupid for me to stress how important it was for her to come visit me because the more I stressed it the more of a big step it was for her. That’s why I told her it doesn’t matter if she comes but it would be nice to see her again so we could have all of these wonderful feelings again.
so here’s where I ask for the advice.
Can someone give me some helpful words? I am really sad now and I don’t know what to do.
What do you think this alone time will do for her?
Should I do something else to show her that I find it less important that we try so hard for a relationship? I am very scared to do this because I don’t want to risk going too far that she doesn’t even care anymore.
Maybe I should tell her about this thing I just realized? About how she and I are reacting like this? Or should I not say anything? If I didn’t say anything maybe she will not act like that so much with time and she will miss me more when she hears less of me. If I tell her this I am afraid it will just be another reason for her to belive that it won’t work.
The real dilema I have is that we know it would work for us to be together right now, but for us to be together normally its going to take a big step on one of our parts. I’ll have to go to Denmark, which is what I want to do. I would love to live there temporarily, or she’ll have to come here. She said she wants to feel the same thing that I feel.
Where should I go to graduate school? I want to go to Europe for sure. I was thinking about planning on going to Denmark anyway. I want to be careful if I should tell her this or not. I don’t want her to think that it is too much for her. After her I am pretty sure I’ll always be wanting a Danish girl anyway, so if it doesn’t work out, I am pretty sure I would want to go anyway. Plus its full of beautiful women, that country. There is a perfect program for me in her city and the head of my International Studies probably has connections in Denmark, because he studied and did doctorate work in Scandinavia.
I just hope that our little period of silence will help things. I know that she has been through a lot with me and her ex and going back home. I am not sure how long it will take. I had to break a girl’s heart once, but I want to know in what capicty I should try to stay with her in order to keep myself in her mind. I am going to send her pictures with some music today with a nice sweet letter. I think that should be really good.
finally, do you think I should mention that I would like to go to Denmark to visit her sometime this semester? I will graduate in December, by the way, so I wanted to move there in January.
Any advice will be appreciated, folks, this is a hard time for me and I think it is for her too, but I really want this to work.
You know the funny thing is that I have become much less religious in recent years, but I find that when I get really desperate I really do pray. I prayed to have sex with her once (I know its wrong, but I didn’t care) and it happened, and I prayed for the second time, and that happened, and I prayed after I knew that I was in love with her to be with her more, and THAT happened. I pray a lot to be with her lately, and I guess if it turns out that I may just have to be a religious man
Hope you guys can offer some support, encouragement, or advice.