Getting the girl back.

So my girl of a year and change broke it off with me.

Long story short: I love this girl and would rather enjoy spending many more years in her company. She’s everything I look for in a companion and she’s been a one-in-a-trillion find to me.

Many of you are wise and married or in long-term relationships, so hopefully you may have some advice for this situation. It’s really been getting to me to the point that basic day-to-day functions are suffering considerably.

Any help is much appreciated. I’m 20 and she’s 19, so it could be chalked up to stupid youthful naivete. I’m well aware of that. But at the same time I cannot deny my instincts and my emotions, and I feel as though I would really be dropping the ball if I were to let this one get away.

Asking for relationship advice on an Internet forum does seem like an idea of questionable merit, but the entire idea behind all of this just makes me feel so pathetic and dejected, and raising it to my friends would be very difficult.

I say let her go dude.

I know it hurts now but the good side to this is it will only get better it just takes time. Take comfort in the fact that you’re not going to spend the rest of your life feeling like shit.

Also, if you were in arms length I’d slap you. You’re 20yo FCOL!

Dude, there are SO many women out there for you to experience. It would be a shame in my opinion to spend my 20-somethings with just one girl!!

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to patronize you or anything. You are indeed an adult, but still, at 20yo most people are still trying to figure out who they are and what direction they want to go with life.

Having said that, if you waste all you time with just one girl you’ll never have a marker to go by. That is to say how do you know there isn’t somebody better out there? (I mean hell I’m 34 still not sure what I want, but I do know what I DON’T want. if that makes sense) Sometime you think you know what you want but in reality you come to find out you didn’t want that.

Get out there and live life I say.

Damn! 20-something. If I could only have those years back.

I’ve had a multitide of previous relationships, two fairly long-term.

I realize it sounds absurd, but this girl is ideal for me. It’s like some Weird Science shit. It was really strange to me for a long time, and I kept looking for flaws, but none emerged…

The best advice I can give you is to leave it be. You should never, ever settle for anything less than a partner who really, truly wants to be with you. Right now, at least, she doesn’t want to be with you. You deserve better than to have her come back because she feels bad for you, or feels guilty about hurting you, or doesn’t want to be alone, or is impressed by what you’ll do to get her back. She deserves better than that, too, you know.

A big honkin’ part of loving someone is wanting him or her to be happy. Sometimes what’s going to make that person happy is not being with you. It’s hard and it’s unfair and it sucks big floppy donkey dick, but it’s just the way the world is. I’m sorry; I wish I had something softer or prettier or more soothing to tell you. Unfortunately, anything soft and pretty and soothing I said to you would just be blowing smoke up your ass.

Tee, Hee.

Dating as an adult and dating as a teenager are two COMPLETELY different things. Trust me on this one.

Let her go. Let yourself have three good, deep, save-me-Jebus cries, then let it go.

I was engaged to the “man of my dreams”. He left me with no warning, no previous hints. The last words he said to me were, “I love you, I can’t wait until you are here with me forever.” The next day he was gone.

I had to get councelling, and I would suggest the same for you if you find you cannot let it go. It took nearly a year for me to let it go. I did not handle the breakup gracefully. After all, you know, he was my “soul mate”. I know at this point, you won’t want to hear this. The whole, “You don’t understand! We were meant to be together! I can feel it! No one has ever had what we had! You can’t understand how perfect we are together!” Yeah, I can, anyway. I’ve been there. No one understood. I had ultimate, truest, purest love, and nothing would keep us apart for long… never.

I know these words will fall on deaf ears right now, but in time, you will realise there is more out there. It will surprise you when it does come along. The saddest thing to lose in this ordeal is your innocence. I was going to run off and become a nun, I ended up in the hospital several times, I wouldn’t eat, sleep, work…

Sure. Sometimes they come back. But don’t get your hopes up, and try, try to let it go. I don’t mean get over it - you never really get over it. But for your own health (and dignity), let it be. If she is meant to come back to you, she will. You can’t force someone to love you if they don’t (and trust me, I tried!)

I wish you all the best, and from someone who’s been through it, feel free to e-mail me if you just need a shoulder to cry on. It’s hard, and I know it. I “knew” he was Mr. Right. I “knew”, even though he moved on to other women. I “knew” we were meant to be together…

I still wake up crying some nights, feeling stunned, shocked, betrayed, hurt, lonely - and this all went down in the summer of 2002. I do have a husband these days, though, who helps me though it. And, cliched though it may be, I wouldn’t have met him if I hadn’t gone through that mess.

All these people in this thread are offering good advice, not because they’re trying to be mean, or because they’re jealous, but because they honestly, truly have been there. We’ve all loved so deeply it hurt, we’ve all loved someone we were so sure, deep down inside, that they were “the one”. It hurts like hell.

It hurts like hell.

I dated a guy for a few years, and at age 19, the relationship I thought was going to be for a lifetime was falling apart. It was long-distance, and he wasn’t writing, wasn’t calling, was emotionally distant, but when I began to get frustrated, would respond just enough to keep my hopes up. His excuses all made sense to this desperate girl who didn’t want to let go. Friends practically had to beat it into me that I should end it. I finally listened to them, and… life went on. I found a great guy I’m now married to. I look back at him with fondness, but that’s it.

Unless there’s something concrete and specific that you did to cause her to leave (cheated on her, had major conflicts over future plans), and that she said there is a solution to (counseling), there really isn’t much of a chance, if any at all, of getting her back. That stuff you see in movies looks like stalker material in real life, so don’t even think of it.

Fuhgetabotit. I lost the love of my life at age 20, painstakingly won her back at 23, married her at 27, divorced her at 38.

I would much rather have had lovely memories of the spectacular person I thought she was when I was 20.

It would appear that you are not ideal for her.

You left out what reason, if any, she gave for ending it.

It doesn’t matter. Your thing is over, you will not get it back. You may another relationship with* her * down the line…but given your ages, it’s unlikely. Either way, you must mourn this one and let it go.

Well two things:
First I’d like to reinforce others ideas that you shouldn’t get so hung up about a failed relationship at age 20. Life does go on. Managing to overcome these crisis takes a lot of learning and maturing. One day you’ll laugh at your current plight if you remember it at all.

Second… if the girl finished with you she probably has a good reason. If you go running after her… she will just run away more. So its essential that you do not become a pain in the ass for her. If you act well and don’t act wierd on her… eventually she might feel lonely or needs companionship and she might consider getting back with you. Maybe its a temporary crisis for her. So avoid glueing on her… or you’ll never get back with her.

Sorry, but she’s not ideal for you. If she was, she wouldn’t have broken up with you.

A lesson I had to learn the hard way (and I guess everyone does) is that it doesn’t matter how much you love someone. Unless they return it, you’re just spinning your wheels. If you really love her, you’ll just let her go.

Please heed these words and keep your dignity. Right now it’s possible she remembers you with sorrow for what might have been, if only such and such were different. You can change that. Don’t let her remember you as a whiner, a crybaby, or a scary creep.

My advice? In a year, shoot her an email saying, “Hey, how’s it going? Been a long while since we talked, and I just wanted to see how life’s treating you these days.”

Until then, obsess over her as much as you need to, but leave her be. It sucks, and it’ll be painful, but doing otherwise is likely to prolong the heartache. Wounds don’t heal as long as they’re being picked at.


I gave this same advice to a friend… and he managed to keep away… and eventually got back with his GF… to my eternal regret. She isn’t a good girl and I regret having given the correct advice.

So I know I gave you the correct advice… but you should certainly reflect why you want to go back with her… and if she would with you. If its just the suffering now. You should certainly think about it more… after all she did this for a reason. Respecting her choice is important too.

Wow. Thank you for asking this question, man. I’m on the other end of this painful stick and, while I’m relieved that my guy hasn’t tried anything to put us back together, I’m also hurt. We’d been together nine months and I was so bored with everything he said and most of the things he did. He’s a wonderful man for some girl – just not for me; I’ve found I can’t handle passivity – gotta have me some passion for life.

His reaction has solidified my reason for leaving: Nothing. Not a card, saying, “I really miss you; if you ever change your mind…”. Not flowers. Not a phone call. Nothing. Shows me the man has no guts – because I know he was very happy in our relationship.
And it’s been almost a month.

So, while it wouldn’t have done any good, I don’t think – a bit of risk on his part at this point might have shown me that there was some hope he could change for the enthusiastic-better. (Actually, maybe we’d have gotten back together for a while, until he started driving me crazy again.)

And, yes, it hurts my feelings.

So. I would have advised you to do something. But now that I’ve read all the better advice above, I’m not telling you anything.

So so true. I had a boyfriend at about the same age as you–we were ment to be!! Soulmates!! Etc!! Until I figured out that we weren’t. I had to break it off, but tried to stay friends (hadn’t learned yet that that doesn’t work). Well, he skeeved me out so bad by trying to get me back I just gave up and ran far far away never to be seen again. Later, I was on the opposite side of the skeeving with another guy. It’s hard, but let her keep the good memories instead of making her tell her friends “It was great while we were together, but after I broke it off he turned into a total stalker!”

**Rashak Mani ** has yet another good point (gee, I guess I don’t need to be here!)
Respect her choice. Did she leave you because she had a reason to, and she thought it over long and hard? Or are you more under the impression that she’s just a ditz who got distracted by something sparkly and doesn’t really mean what she says? That’s what she will hear if you beg her. If she made a mistake in leaving you, let her come to that conclusion on her own.

Sounds like he just wasn’t that into you after all.

Well…that’s too bad for you then because she obviously doesn’t feel the same way. Best to get over it and move on. Think about it this way - the more time you spend pining over this girl, the more time you won’t be finding someone else. Before you know it, you’ll find some other girl to get on your case for staying out late with your friends and leaving the toilet seat up.

Anastasaeon, your guy wasn’t from Kaneohe, Hawaii, was he? I had one pull the same stunt on me. He was my love, my best friend, and the man I’d spend the rest of my life with, and pretty much every saccharine cliche there is. When I moved back east, he’s the one who rekindled the relationship.

It’s been years since I’ve heard from him. He never even told me when it ended.

Life does go on. A little over a year ago, I gave my phone number to a sweet, shy, brilliant, funny guy. He asked me out, and we’re now to 40-somethings who are absolutely crazy about each other. I sometimes regret that I can’t make promises to him with the same ardor I had when I made them to the fellow I lost. I can tell anyone who’s reading this that I’m a lot better off. The old relationship was dead good and it was a shame to lose it; this one is better! I wouldn’t trade the old guy for the new even if he turned up on a Harley with 100 roses.

Let her go, orbitingio, let her go, and, when you get to my age, unthinkable as that is, look back on the times you shared and the memories you have and enjoy them for what they are: pleasant memories. I don’t regret loving either of the men I’ve talked about, but I’m glad I’ve got the one I do.


If she were ideal for you, she would want to be with you. Anyone who doesn’t want to be with you is not ideal for you.

Learn this. Write it in sharpie on your wrist. Tatoo it on your ankle. It will save you endless grief.