I’ve been dating a girl since December, and she’s a really sweet girl. We’ve had a great relationship. Seriously, no complaints about everything. We get along nice, we understand each other, and we laugh together.
With that said, I’ve decided to break it off. I’ve decided she’s just not the girl I want to spend the rest of my life with for a couple of reasons:
age difference. 24 to her 32.
she hasn’t told her parents yet. Did I mention she’s Chinese and her parents hate Americans?
She wants to get married RIGHT NOW. I definitely do not.
Most importantly IMO, there is and never was any passion.
Long distance. I won’t be able to see her in-person until February at least.
I know that passion is not the most important thing, but damnit I want it. I don’t think it’s great to have never had it. Between that and everything else I’ve decided to break it off. Well…
To tell the full story, I decided to break it off last month when I was in Japan. That resulted in her bearing her heart to me. She vehemently proclaimed her undying devotion to me, and that paired with the fact she was living with me for 2 more days resulted in me changing my mind.
I came back to Florida and now I’ve met a girl who reminded me what it’s like to have passion. She’s wittier, younger, cuter, and is a better match for me than my current girlfriend. She’s having relationship issues of her own, … long story short I’ve decided to break up with my GF.
But how?
Anything I do will break her heart. I don’t know what to say… I don’t know how much I should reveal. There’s no good answer, so I’m hoping you guys can offer me some advice. Once again, I’m supremely grateful for any advice offered.
Thinking about what I would want if I were getting dumped, I would suggest:
Don’t tell her that you’ve met someone else. It adds insult to injury when you find out that your ex-lover has replaced you right away.
Oh, and don’t drag out the discussion or get overly specific about “why”. No explanation will ever be enough to be satisfying.
If I were you, I’d say something like, “The long distance is too much for me and I just don’t feel we are right for each other”. She’ll be sad of course, but it won’t hurt as much as finding out you think she’s too old and have found some new cute young hussy (you get my drift about why you dont want to tell her about the new girl? ).
Oh, and as some general advice, be careful about jumping right into a relationship with someone who is also just getting out of a relationship. Sounds like some hardcore rebound potential there.
Good luck with everything, all of you.
Giving reasons will only give her things to either try to overcome or beat herself up about. Who wants that? Nobody.
Do it firmly, no wavering. If she hears that you are hesitant, she may see that as a way to talk you out of it. Don’t try the “Let’s stay in touch” thing because 99 out of 100 times, it doesn’t work.
There’s only one answer. Just do it. The more you try to massage it, the less honest you’re being, and the worse it’ll be in the long run. You’re not going to be able to avoid hurting her. The best you can give her is to do it clean, do it quick, do it clearly, and get out of there.
Tell her it’s not her, it’s you. Say you’re sorry to cause her pain. Keep it short. Don’t explain too much–do not give her the reasons you gave us. Make it a clean break–no long discussions about what went wrong. Do not return her calls.
About 10 months ago I tried to break off a 3 year relationship with my boyfriend. There was nothing ‘wrong’ and there was no fight, I just knew in my heart that it wasn’t right. I tried to explain it to him and justify it, and he countered everything I said and ended up talking me into staying with him for another 9 months. A little over a month ago I had to break it off again. Same reason; just wasn’t right. Just tell her, “I love you, and I can’t stay in this relationship because in my heart I know it was not meant to be”. Yes it’s going to hurt. But don’t make her go through it twice like I did. It’s worse the second time.
Thanks y’all for the responses. You pretty much confirm what I thought. I guess I just hoped there was a better way. I’ll wait until she gets out of work and then have her call me, or call her w/e.
I feel extra bad because she just started a new job in Yokohama… at least it’s been one week and she’s settled in.
Let me explain the relationship thing with this other girl too. She’s dating a guy for 5 years, he dumps her… we spend 2 nights talking online for the whole night. Today the guy apologizes and wants her back. She feels like she wants to date me, but she’s scared. She knows I have a GF and she doesn’t want to feel like she’s making me cheat. She’s a good girl who wants to be a bad girl. She’s said as much. I guess you’ll just have to take my word for it.
So, should I feel bad for dumping my girl now just because I want to go out with this other girl? I mean… that’s not THE reason, I mean… should I wait longer out of kindness to my GF?
Sorry if that was incoherent. I’ve been drinking XD
Send her an e-mail explaining that you’ve found someone wittier, younger & cuter. And not Chinese. Since you aren’t there in person, you won’t be inconvenienced by having to find a new place to stay.
Don’t answer her e-mails or phone calls. She’ll get the message that she’s better off without you.
(Cough)… I think what Bridget might be trying to say is that you’re not really being kind by staying with somebody for any amount of time during which you’re perpetuating a fiction. If you’ve decided you’re going to move on, you need to man up and say so directly, without equivocating, and without doing her any “favors.”
Also, should you feel bad for wanting to end your relationship with girl 1 because you’re interested in girl 2? No; that’s how these things work. But you should feel bad for every second that you allow girl 1 to falsely believe that the two of you have a future together.
There’s no easy out, cousin. The only fair thing to do is tell her it’s over.
You owe it to this new girl to wait long enough to ensure that you’re over the old girlfriend. That may be six months or it may be six minutes- you’re the only one who can tell how long you need to wait. That’s all the waiting that you really need to do. Besides, it isn’t as if the old girlfriend is going to see you out with this new girl in the street and feel hurt then, is it?
I wouldn’t mention the other girl. Your desire to break up with your GF precedes meeting the other girl, and it’s not like if that hadn’t happened you’d still want to be with her.
She wants to get married; you don’t. Figuratively and literally, you’re here, and she’s there. You don’t want this to continue. I don’t think anything else needs to be said.
I told her I didnt want to talk now. She said that obviously I want to break up… She knew it when I sent the e-mail?
Well, I told her that my mind was made up, but that I didn’t want to hurt her. She said that she thought our relationship was stronger than ever, and that she thought I was being cowardly by doing it on the phone.
I tried to explain that I didnt change my mind until coming back to Florida… but she didnt listen. She just said “Ok goodbye.”
Well, I guess I should take solace in the fact that I already feel free. I already feel better, although I feel deeply sad, and I feel horrible for hurting her so deeply.
/cry
ANd yes, maybe I’m being stupid in sharing all these details with a message board. I don’t give a rat’s ass. I’m a guy and none of my male friends can talk to me like this. OK?
Assuming that you really want it over, there *is *no better way to break up than fast and clean. Sticking around and talking about it implies that it can be worked out. If it can’t, then just get the hell out of there and Do Not Engage Any Further. Like any other unpleasant task, the sooner and more completely you get it done, the faster you can move on to more enjoyable things.
If I got a “we have to talk” message from a boyfriend, that would be my assumption. Good things typically don’t get a “we have to talk” message from guys; the guy calls or writes or meets up with you and blurts it out.
She probably feels ‘used’ regarding the time that she thought the two of you had worked things out. She’s hurt, but she’ll work through it.
She really really really loved me. She forgave so many stupid things I did, and she always wanted to see me happy. I’m going to miss her so much…I still know I made the right choice deep down, but god it sucks to lose something so precious.
).