We're losing contact and I don't know why (long, possibly pointless)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

This is probably going to sound really silly, but it’s a genuine problem for me.

I was a student until this summer. In November, I went to Moscow for six weeks to write an essay. Another student from my class also went and we lived in the same apartment. We hadn’t really talked much before, but very quickly became good friends. We talked until four in the morning the first night (admittedly I had already been there a week and was desperate to speak to someone with whom I’d have no language problems) and spent lots of time together there.

When we came back, my girlfriend left me shortly after at which point she dragged me out to have beer with her friends (whom I’d never met) and told me to be as social as I wanted and get exactly as drunk as I wanted. She’d take care of me. Do you see why I like her? We kept hanging out (she even accompanied me to a friend’s wedding that I had been invited to with my girlfriend; the couple-to-be didn’t know about our breakup yet) until she went to her home city for a month or so.

When she came back we met once for some wine and chat, and when we parted she said several times with some emphasis that we had to keep hanging out. I said “of course, call whenever” as her job gives her a rather more constricting schedule than mine.

Then, nothing. Weeks later I send her a text message asking how she’s doing. She responds, and I ask back if she wants to meet. No reply. It’s now a couple of weeks later.

Some slightly relevant facts about me: I often have problems understanding and acting within social conventions, although I’m getting better at it with age. I kind of expect people to act rationally and usually they don’t. I don’t know if I’m a little autistic or something (if there is such a thing as “a little” autistic) but there it is: I don’t get people, generally. I am therefore not entirely unused to people breaking off contact with me for reasons I don’t understand, but this is different for two reasons:

  1. I really don’t get it. Last time we met, she was all enthusiastic about meeting again. It wasn’t a subtle point. I don’t understand what could have happened in-between.

  2. It’s tearing me up. I felt a connection with her that I’ve only ever felt with one other person before (the girlfriend who left). We just get each other. We just click. She has said things to that effect too. I could tell anecdote after anecdote, but I won’t. I was really happy that I had made such a wonderful friend, and now I am really sad that we’re apparently losing contact. In a life that has become extremely happy over the last couple of months, this is the one big dark bit. And it is big.

I’m not sure why I’m posting it here. It just feels like I’ve got to try this too.

2

I assume you have her email. I would drop her a line asking her if something bad has happened. There might be something in her life that is making her act this way and it may not be you at all. I would tell her that you had a such a good time with her and would like to see if you can get together again.

If it bothers you so much, ask her if it was something you said or did that would cause her to be distant. Tell her you value your friendship with her and would like to see it continue, she needs to be honest with you no matter what.

Don’t be confrontational or emotional, just be clear and make sure it sounds upbeat. If she doesn’t respond, move on, that’s all the clue you’ll need.

3

It’s possible that she was expecting to hear from you during those weeks of silence and that her feelings were hurt.
I second everything PinkMarabou said.

4

Some of us are really bad about getting together with friends, especially when the schedule is constricted. Instead of “call whenever,” you may want to try suggesting a specific date, time, and activity. If it doesn’t work for her, it’s easier for her to make a counterproposal, or at least give you some more information about when she’s busy so you can make another suggestion.

5

If so, this is one of those things I have trouble understanding. Why didn’t she just call me? I didn’t call her because I knew she worked a lot and didn’t need anything else in her schedule.

6

Sometimes friendships are formed because of situations. When the situation ends, the friendship eventually changes because the situation has changed. It doesn’t mean that the friendship wasn’t real, it just means that things have changed and that has made it necessary that the friendship had to change.

I have friends I still genuinely care about that I almost never see because it has become necessary to focus my energy into other directions. It doesn’t mean I don’t care about them any more, and when we ARE able to get together it is like no time has passed…but our meetings are few and far between.

I don’t know if this is what has happened, but it is a possiblity. You shouldn’t allow yourself to feel rejected or hurt when the possibility exists that this has nothing to do with YOU. Life is a complicated business, and it is difficult sometimes to spend the time with people that you wish you could. Don’t get me wrong, I know that this is easier said than done.

I agree with what has been said by the others who responded, particularly this by PinkMarabou…*"…ask her if it was something you said or did that would cause her to be distant. Tell her you value your friendship with her and would like to see it continue, she needs to be honest with you no matter what.

Don’t be confrontational or emotional, just be clear and make sure it sounds upbeat. If she doesn’t respond, move on, that’s all the clue you’ll need."*

I’d add that if she says you haven’t done or said anything wrong, you should tell her that you are glad for that and let her know that you’d like to get together for (a latte or whatever) sometime…that you know her schedule is less flexible than yours and for her to just let you know what works for her. Again, as was said, upbeat. If you never hear from her, please don’t blame yourself.

If she responds by telling you something you DID do or say that made her back off, then of course I’m sure you know to deal with it honestly.

No matter what happens I hope you won’t allow yourself to give up and turn into yourself …thinking that you aren’t good at friendship…just because this time it wasn’t a friendship that lasted the way you wished it would.

Best Wishes,

Cheri