Advice wanted: co-worker situation (long)

In My Humble Opinion
1

I need advice on a work situation. It involves a particular co-worker who I clash with and cannot stand.

Background:
My job is administrative, co-worker A (A for arsehole from here on) is one of the staff that it is my job to ‘administrate’. Part of my job involves allocating jobs to him, based on his skills and schedule, but it’s a two way street. The staff give me advice about particular jobs, so I can allocate them intelligently, too.
I have never liked A. He is one of the few people in this world who send up a big flashing neon “WARNING” sign in my head. I have seen him lie, manipulate, steal and cheat. I have heard enough about his previous relationships (from his own mouth) when in group conversations, that I consider him not only an attention-seeker, but capable of date-rape and abusive behaviour. Suffice it to say, I cannot stand this guy, but try to maintain professional behaviour in the workplace. My boss values me highly and has recently offered to allow me to work three days a week, for the same pay, just to keep me with her. A has the same boss. Another data point - while I would prefer to keep this job, I could resign tomorrow if it came to it, another point my boss is aware of.

Two incidents overshadow the big one, I will try to be brief, but also provide enough detail so you understand the sort of person I’m working with, as much as is possible in this medium.

#1: He continually addressed me by ‘pet’ names. I know this doesn’t bother some people, but I personally do not think it’s professional to name a co-worker as his ‘pet’ or ‘honey’, when I am demonstrably neither. Especially when he wouldn’t dream of calling a male in my position, or a female in a superior position by those pet names. I dealt with this one by simply ignoring him until he used my correct name. It took a while (he’s a slow learner) but since he needs to communicate with me, while I can turn to any other staff member to obtain the information I need, he eventually clued in on the fact that only if he used my name, would he get a response. This wasn’t a big deal, but I include it so you see how I’ve handled him in the past.

#2: He recently went to great lengths to try to provoke a comment from me about his recent eBay purchases. I personally think anyone who profits from WW2 Nazi paraphernalia is scum, but in the interests of workplace harmony, I wasn’t going to loudly proclaim that view. After being pushed several times, I finally told him that he really didn’t want to hear my opinion on the matter (a mistake, I know - live and learn) and that I wasn’t going to discuss it with him. I have heard a few ‘Nazi’ comments since then, but nothing clearly.

The big one:
About two months ago, (damn, I should’ve kept dates) A walked up behind me while I was working on my computer and started massaging my shoulders. This is highly inappropriate in a workplace IMO and surprised me so much that I didn’t really think about my phrasing. I immediately said sharply “Don’t touch me”. In hindsight, I probably should’ve said “Don’t massage me”, but hey, I was a bit taken aback.
Since then, I know he’s told at least one co-worker his version of events because on three separate occasions it has been brought up by A. Once was when I unthinkingly outstretched my hand while making a point and my index finger brushed the back of his hand. Another time we were walking past each other in the hall. The third time, I handed him a CD and our hands lightly brushed. All accidental. Each time, he’s immediately squealed “Don’t touch me” in a bitchy high-pitched voice, and then fallen about laughing with other co-worker.

So the advice I want is how to deal with this “don’t touch me” crap. So far I’ve ignored it twice, and rolled my eyes the third time and gone back to my work. I’m really sick of it and want the bullshit to stop.

I see my options as this:

  1. Keep ignoring it.
    I don’t think he’ll get bored and give up, so I’ll be ignoring it for a long time.
  2. Go to HR.
    I have dealt with it myself so far and my personality doesn’t lean towards ‘dobbing in’ someone, unless the situation truly warrants it.
  3. Smack him one in the nose next time he laughs.
    While it’s tempting to visualise an ‘inferior female’ like myself putting him in his place, I think A’s the sort who would actually go straight to HR and try to get me in trouble, including pressing assault charges, so I don’t want to do this in reality. Besides, I’m supposed to be grown-up now and able to deal with problems maturely :wink:

To be honest, I don’t think he was trying to do anything with the whole massage incident. I think he’s just a clueless, socially retarded guy who thinks he’s god’s gift to women, and that they exist to enhance his life, not as lives of their own. And I think the teasing and laughing stems from his need to ‘win’ and to get back at me for rejecting his touch.
On the other hand, it would create a compelling argument to HR, in that I was subjected to inappropriate physical contact and after definitively rejecting the contact, have been further subjected to ridicule and harassment for that rejection. I am being ‘punished’ for not allowing A to touch me as he wishes. blah, blah, blah.

So which of the three options do you advise and why? Or is there another, better option I have not considered?

2

1/ and 3/ are out of the question. Things will only get worse in both cases.

2/ keep up your sleeve, in case 4/ doesn’t work out, which is:
4/ find a neutral venue to talk to him. You want to be alone but within easy reach of others, say a glass office (someone else’s) with the door closed. Apologise briefly for the tone of the “don’t touch me” comment, but immediately go on to point out how inappropriate the uninvited massage was, and emphasise it was that you were objecting to.

If he takes it in good part, alright. If not, you have a couple of options, depending on the nature of his reaction. One, if he is totally hostile and aggressive, is to point out that what he did was officially sexual harassment and could get him fired if reported. Another, if he just doesn’t get what your problem is, is to go to your mutual boss and report the incident and his reaction.
Best of luck!

3

No hitting. That makes you the bad guy, no matter what words provoked it.

It’s not completely clear whether you are this guy’s supervisor or a co-worker. If you are his supervisor you are within your rights to tell him exactly what you expect and what you won’t tolerate, and if he doesn’t comply his life will get increasingly miserable. Give him the worst assignments, and if he doesn’t complete them satisfactorily he builds his own case for his termination.

If you are co-workers it gets trickier. He obviously doesn’t know how responsible adults are supposed to behave in the workplace, so taking him aside and talking to him privately about how he is upsetting you might be interpreted as weakness on your part. He sounds like he wants to get a reaction from you, and that would be a pretty substantial reaction. Moreover, if there are any repercussions from the conversation it would be entirely your word against his regarding who said what. Suppose he claims you threatened him or came on to him? I would say never get caught alone with this guy anywhere, glass office or otherwise. If you insist on talking to him, make sure someone else is present. And the conversation should not be a debate: You state your position, you tell him you want no interaction with him beyond essential work-related matters, and you walk out. (I would think an e-mail might be better for that, with a copy to the boss, but make sure you have a friend read it and make suggestions before you hit “send.”)

It’s your boss’s job to enforce a professional workplace environment. Complain to him/her directly, with specifics, and make clear that you consider a professional environment essential if you are going to remain employed there (you’re lucky that you are in a position to do that). Talk to other coworkers and see if they have had similar problems with this guy. If other people are sick of him too, you should all be talking to the boss. You might find allies among the men as well as the women–most men wouldn’t want to think of their wives or daughters or companions being treated like this on the job.

Document everything, with dates, times, who said what, who did what, and who saw it. Keep track of not just what he says to you, but what he says to other people, particularly about non-work related topics. If you can document some choice quotes that indicate how badly he treats women or how much he admires the Nazis, the management might just decide that he’s too unstable to keep around.

4

I agree with Reader99. You should speak about this with your manager. It sounds like your manager is also A’s manager(?), so your manager should speak with A (either alone or with you there) and explain what the boundaries are and what constitutes respectful behavior in the workplace. (If your manager doesn’t tell you that’s the plan, then you should suggest it to your manager.) If you give that a chance and nothing helpful happens, then the next step is HR. You didn’t say how long A has worked there, but it sounds like someone that irresponsible probably does shoddy work and might end up being booted out of there for other reasons besides his inappropriate personal behavior.

5

Just thought I’d throw in the possibility that perhaps “A” doesn’t realize he’s pissing you off this much. You have stated that he’s socially retarded. Many males lack the sensitivity to understand that their actions are actually more harmful than they are funny.

Thought I would mention this just in case you considered sitting down with him and actually telling him what bothers you so that it is understood (between the two of you) what is crossing the line and what is not. i.e. the “pet name” thing is horrible, but men don’t get “clues” and you would have probably been better off looking at him and just saying, “please don’t call me that, it bothers me”…THEN if he continues, going to HR would be much less difficult.

Of course, this is all easy for me to say, so I understand if this route isn’t really an option for you.

6

Yes, talk with your manager. Re-write your original post for your manager to see a documented story, but stick to the facts. If your company has a set of leadership values or something woo-woo like that, document how this guy’s behavior goes against these. Be persistant and polite.

7

Thanks for all the advice.
To answer some questions:
A and I share a manager.
In some tasks he is superior (he sits there, while I answer incoming calls) while in other areas I am superior (I tell him what to do and when).
A has been with the company for almost 3 years. I highly doubt he will ever get fired, as this is the sort of company where there is rarely a firing.

I think I will speak with someone over this. The difficulty is who, since HR are a waste of space (in my specific company) and my manager won’t be in the office for the next fortnight at least. I might just wait until my manger gets back.

I am pleasantly surprised that nobody told me I was over reacting and should just ignore A.

8

Some people have no idea how they come off to others. Some need to be hammered over the head with it.

I had a co-worker who took to calling me ‘fatboy’. It was odd because we were, and still are to this day, friendly.

But I didn’t like it when he called me that. I told him so. He didn’t get it. I told him it was not OK for him to call me that. He didn’t get it.

I told him that the next time he called me that, he and I would would discuss it with our manager and an HR representative. THEN he understood.

9

Some people have no idea how they come off to others. Some need to be hammered over the head with it.

I had a co-worker who took to calling me ‘fatboy’. It was odd because we were, and still are to this day, friendly.

But I didn’t like it when he called me that. I told him so. He didn’t get it. I told him it was not OK for him to call me that. He didn’t get it.

I told him that the next time he called me that, he and I would would discuss it with our manager and an HR representative. THEN he understood.