Hello everyone. Lately I feel like I’ve been surrounded by a lot of negativity. My husband and my close friends are just all fed up with work, stressed out, irritated with other people, etc. I want to be a supportive friend, but it’s hard to be around angry and stressed out people without starting to feel a bit anxious and annoyed myself. Any advice on how to be a good friend without feeling bogged down in negativity?
Try to see the humor in everything. Well, almost everything, and don’t force it.
Stay in your own lane, be sympathetic but don’t take on their issues or try to solve them, make sure you’re taking care of your own needs and interests first and foremost. Take time for yourself, away from those people.
I’m too emphatic for my own good when it comes to people like the OP described, especially if 1) I’m in close physical contact with them, or 2) their issues trigger me in some way. I’ve had to quit jobs before re #2 just for my own sanity.
I’m following this just because I’d like to know the secret too.
and if it gets bad enough, don’t be afraid to tell them to seek help elsewhere.
you’re not obligated to be other peoples’ emotional dumping ground.
I have taken to calling for “No Negativity” events –like – let’s make this trip to White Castle a no negativity trip. Nobody is allowed to say anything negative about anybody or any thing. It works surprisingly well.
If some ambitious person were to make t-shirts with a symbol of a circle with a line crossed through a minus sign I would buy one.
I have encountered this situation a number of times over the years (and currently as well). And I’ve come to the conclusion that some people are 1) pissed off and fed up with whatever situation, but 2) are unable (for whatever reason) to actually “do something” to change the situation.
As a friend, the best you can do is offer suggestions, options on how the person can change the situation that is bothering them.
But if the person is unwilling, unable to make any changes, the next best thing is to point out that the person “is choosing” to remain in the crappy situation they are in. And if that is the case, you’d rather not hear about it.
A LOT of people have this “victim”/“not my fault” mentality that “the world” should resolve their issues for them. And lose sight of the reality that they CHOOSE the life they are living. “Change” is usually kind of a scary thing for many people, so “avoiding change” (that they instigate) becomes more important than suffering whatever it is that is bothering them in the current situation.
But if you point out that they are choosing how they live, every minute of every day, this might wake them up to the reality that they have the choice to change things (or not). More importantly is that reminding people that they have this choice puts the ball back in their court…and not yours. You can offer options, but you ultimately can’t make them change what they are deciding to do.
In the case of your husband, if you don’t have any options to offer, then along with reminding them that they have this power to choose, reassure them that you will still “be there” for him regardless of what he chooses.
I’ve been thinking about this thread a lot, as I sometimes find myself in a similar predicament. Other than your husband, you’re not obligated be around when everyone is stressed and looking to dump. This seems obvious, but when you’re trying to be a good friend, it can be hard to distance yourself. You can either provide a sympathetic ear, while reminding yourself that this isn’t your issue, or you can try and institute a no negativity policy for at least part of your time together. Worst case, you can limit your time with certain friends until they can limit their negativity.
Regarding your husband, one thing that has helped with mine when he gets stuck, particularly at work, is to talk through his long term options. What is he doing now? What would he like to be doing? How can he get there from here? Does it involve school? A move? Even if those things are scary to think about, we talk about them. I’d rather have a happy husband than a miserable one. We break things into smaller steps, and then he either starts taking the steps or he doesn’t, but he usually feels better, knowing that he isn’t trapped.
A lot of the adults on one side of my family just have a habit of constantly carping and complaining as a sign that they’re informed and knowledgeable about the world and things around them. They don’t see it as negativity.
One of my sister’s best qualities is the ability to make me laugh when I start being negative, especially about family dysfunction. If she weren’t my sister, I’d be willing to pay a lot of money to talk to her.
Same true with my younger brother’s sense of humor.
They may just need a sympathetic ear. I know as a friend there’s an impulse to jump in and offer advice, but maybe something like, “Oh, that’s too bad,” is all you need to say.
I am pretty stressed out and negative right now because work is overwhelming. What I need is practical support: like, I literally need someone else to do the cooking and the shopping and the laundry because I am working 14 hours a day, and I need that person to reassure me that it’s okay that I am not pulling my weight at home because they understand that I am going through a thing and they are happy to support me. For the hour between work and bed, I really want someone to pay positive attention to me and make sure I don’t feel like I should be jumping up to take care of practical things. Obviously, this isn’t sustainable long term, but it doesn’t have to be. Work will get better.
So with your spouse, at least, maybe you can find some ways to be positively supportive, instead of being a sounding board.
Be the thermostat, not the thermometer.
Don’t let other people give you THEIR problems. And, accept the fact that some people are just determined to screw up their lives.
About 20 minutes of meditation in the morning should do it. Don’t even think of it as meditation if you want, just sit there and clear your head.
Check youtube for more 
Thank you for the suggestions, everyone. I think seeing the humor in everything is a great suggestion because it’s a way of changing the tone of a conversation without ignoring what’s going on. ivylass has a good point, too, in that sometimes you can acknowledge the suffering without having to go down a whole rabbit hole of trying to fix their problems or encouraging them to dump everything onto you.
One thing that I think is making things especially hard right now is when people complain about something, and I have the same issue but I’m trying not to focus on it too much myself. Like if they’re stressed out from not having enough time to clean their house, or they don’t like the atmosphere at work, or someone seems to be targeting them – it’s all stuff I can relate to, and when I’m trying to get past it myself it’s hard to have those issues rehashed from someone else who seems to be looking for sympathy or suggestions or something. It’s a whole lot of stuff I really just don’t want to dwell on in my own thoughts!