And where else better to ask? Here’s the deal. I made two new friends early last year, at work, a man and a woman. We warmed up to each other right away, got very simpatico very quickly. I found I could talk about things with these two that I couldn’t with anyone else in my life, my wife included. I have a lot of friends, some of 20 years standing, but there’s so much shared experience there, so many preconceptions, unconscious judgments, it’s very hard for me to talk about some of my current issues with those friends. Not these two.
We have a lot in common, and we were all in a very heavy life-changes cycle, all three of our marriages on the rocks, career stuff, personal stuff, a veritable cornicopia of change. These two helped me a lot. I helped them a lot. We continued to enjoy a very intense friendship.
Then I got laid off. They continued to work together. We remained close, although I didn’t get to spend time with them the way I would have liked. We all continued to go through heavy change, they both moved out of their prospective homes. They, individually, sought out my advice on this situation. And I had good advice, having been in intense but really positive marriage counseling during this time.
Time passed. I got laid off again. My mental stability became more fragile than usual. (My shrink recently talked me into trying the happy pills after 3+ years of persisting, my consultation is in August.) I became withdrawn but continued to reach out, especially to these two very good friends.
Even through the miasma of my bad craziness, I could see that these two had really made themselves unavailable. We would talk on the phone and email each other, continue to solicit advice from each other, but no face time at all.
I would request time, from time to time, but was careful not to be burdensome with my requests, as I was very aware of the pain they were experiencing with their breakups (the man left a 6 month old behind, the woman had pushed for her husband to purchase a very expensive home with her and left a month later). I really needed some help with my head but didnt push for it.
Can you see where I’m going with this? The man just revealed to me that he and she have been lovers for the past six months. I am really struggling with this. Part of me is saying: hey, in reality you barely know these people, they dont owe you anything. And part is so, I don’t know, goddamned EMBARRASSED. I feel like I can’t look either one in the eye ever again. I think back over the last six months, think of the advise they’ve asked for and received, especially the man, think of the things I’ve said to both of them without the knowledge they were lovers, and I just want to crawl into a hole. Man do I feel humiliated and ashamed and naive. Man.
Part of me is saying I’m taking this way too seriously, and part of me is reevaluating my whole concept of friendship. Did I/do I give too much; do I expect too much? I am shaken to my core. I opened up to these folks in a way that’s very unusual for me, and the knowledge that they were hiding this for so long, weren’t giving me the honesty I was giving, is extremely hurtful. And, of course, part of me is saying, get over yourself, you are 37 years old, this is not high school, bro.
It doesn’t help that I am feeling very very crazy the past couple of weeks. I need to sort this out, I feel like I’m losing it, and, of course, the only people I would feel comfortable discussing this with, the only folks I feel could hear me and not judge me, are these two. That is more ironic than rain on your wedding day, ya know?
So I turn to you. I’ve seen mountains of good advice dispensed on this board, and I’m in dire need of some, fellow Dopers. How do I handle this? Am I right to feel the way I do? Where do I go from here? The idea of losing their friendship is devastating to me, but I can’t shake the feeling that I already have. Thanks for reading this massive tome. Any and all advice extremely gratefully accepted. Thanks.
Sean