Okay so what can I lose by asking the internet for help.
The situation, in brief, is like this. At the end of last year I fell totally for a beautiful (outside yes, inside more) girl I’d become acquianted with shortly before. A few weeks of anxious determination later, we were happily in love with each other. We just really connected and enjoyed each other’s company tremendously and everything was great. Then I had to go overseas for a few months, which was really hard, and when I came back things had changed somehow. We still had the connection, but physically there was no match. I knew this, she knew this, and I think we both knew that long-term the relationship just didn’t have the legs. It might’ve been because we’d kind of put pressure on ourselves in the beginning (you know, thinking this was ‘the one’ and all) but it was really hard for me to deal with, but inside I knew it was right, we simply are not ‘the ones’ for each other. We remained best friends, and still are, we still have great times together, fun, laughter, deep talks and all that. I have 99.9% confidence that she is perfectly happy with this. However me… I have a problem. Irrationality consumes me… I still want us to be together. I KNOW it would not work, and I’m not even attracted to her like I used to be. I don’t know how to explain it. I just know that I want to spend all my time with her, I want to know everything about who she is and what she’s doing and where she is. I am deeply troubled by this, because I feel in a way I am deceiving her. But I DON’T KNOW what to do about it. For the last week or two I’ve been considering telling her we cannot be friends any more and severe the connection as far as possible (it could be a little awkward because we live and work near each other, and will still see each other in passing fairly regularly). I know this would hurt her because of the closeness of our relationship. It would tear me completely.
I moved here recently and I don’t know many people, or speak the language, and she is the only friend I have, the only person I can talk to - and aside from that, I have never met a person like her and I’m not sure I ever will again, to even toy with the idea of cutting our lives apart makes me very unhappy. If I lose this relationship I am left with me (and you! hm). I’m a quiet sort of person, and I don’t make close relationships easily, and this one has really been the best I’ve ever been in (she also has no other close friends). I want to hold on to the friendship, the meat of the relationship, while somehow letting go of this illogical desire to be with her, despite knowing it’s not really what I (or we) want. I don’t want to be selfish, I truly want us to both to be as happy as possible.
What do I do? Is there any hope?
I hate to be blunt, but maybe you’re just horny? It sounds like mentally and emotionally you’re straight about the way things stand, but you just need to be close to her for other reasons. Have you tried therapy?
Dude, leave. Sever the ties, as hard as it is. Don’t talk to her again.
This is less for your own personal benefit, more for the benefit of your future partners. And hers. She’s going to date someone else, and it will tear you up. When you date someone else, you’ll not be able to totally commit emotionally since you’re hung up on what could have been with her.
I understand she’s a great person and all, but this isn’t leading anywhere good for either of you.
Perhaps it is hard to accept that the romantic aspect is over because you’re so isolated from everyone else. Someitmes meeting new people can really put an old relationship in perspective. Maybe you two can start making more of an effort to branch out and meet new people, and that will probably help.
Saying goodbye forever doesn’t seem like the answer to me…although maybe asking for some space for a few months might be a good idea if you feel it’s just too hard to continue like this.
In general my current theories on relationship health are:
Don’t decide things in a vacuum. There’s this whole other person there who’s mind you can’t read, regardless of whether you think you can or not. If you need to decide something in regards to her, go talk it over. Don’t play mental games with yourself of picking flower petals, “She loves me. She loves me not.”
If the answer is no, that’s 100%. Back down immediately and forget it. If you find that you start being snarky around her, then is when you break off.
As to what your “odds” are…
I’ve no idea. You say that you’re mentally but not physically attracted to one another now. Well, yes that could mean that it just ain’t happening, but on the other end of the spectrum it could mean that you’ve gotten over the entry-level relationship to the next stage where presence is the thing that you need, not sex. I’m very much doubting that this is the issue, but just to throw it out as a devil’s advocate position. If nothing else, it would be a way to sell the idea of getting together again to her. “We’re such good friends, and the way we think and work so near, and just how much I feel like you’re a part of my soul… I know that we’ve pushed ourselves to be physically attracted as far as it’s going to go, but still it seems like of all the things to decide our relationship on, sex should take a big second to whether or not we could make each other happy.” Etc.
But as the other posters say, this is most likely an issue of no one else coming in to fill the gap, than that there is a Her-shaped gap. Talking it over with her will most likely be a fairly abrupt end to your friendship, but eh, just since we don’t know you and really you’re going to bust it off anyway, might as well go for the route where you can be sure.
I was in a similar situation like this with a guy - not the same distance thing, but the same general emotions.
We talked about it, we fought about it, we cried about it. I told him to go away and he came back, he told me to go away and I came back. It reached a point where it was just TOO HARD to deal with it and he called me up and said we were totally over, as friends too. I was so emotionally drained from our past together that this final “break up” was easy. I grieved for a short while and moved on.
I miss him and I still think about him, but severing all ties has let me move on very easily, and I assume him too.
Remaining friends with someone you want and doesn’t want you (or vice versa) is just too hard. It never gets easier, there’s always a tension. For everyone’s sake just drop it and move on.
Thank you. What wasson said has been on my mind too, that if one of us becomes involved in a relationship, the other will surely hurt, and this is a big red flag to me that this is not a healthy ‘friends’ relationship. I will, however, give some thought to the Sagerat’s devil’s advocate position. Maybe suggest we give it a try once more, and if she says flat-out no, then goodbye it is. The slightly complicating matter is that I think she wants to explore homosexuality. She considers herself feminist and I think she wants to take it further, but feels… awkward or maybe shy about it.
Am I horny? ha-ha! I’ve never been one for casual encounters, but lately that’s also been on my mind… perhaps we both have some sexual exploration to do.
Maybe you could get drunk and post endless moaning threads about the woman you can’t have. There’s a guy here who could tell you how that worked out for him.
I’ve been in almost exactly the same situation, and I must say, Placid, you seem to be handling it a lot more gracefully and maturely than I did.
The emotions you’re going through now might seem complicated, but they boil down to one thing: You’re a junkie who’s gone off his junk cold turkey. It’s not just horniness. It’s also that emotional attachment, right? Hey, it’s normal. When my ex and I split for good, I couldn’t stand her, but I couldn’t think of anything else other than being with her for the longest time. You just have to find your legs, that’s all.
As long as we’re in IMHO, I might as well say that I don’t think you should get back together with her for that last ditch attempt. It sounds as if this relationship has run its course, and the best thing for you both to do would be to part and at least pretend to be friends. I know it’s a temptation. Emotions don’t end just because the relationship does. Still, I think you would both be chasing ghosts here. Break it off, find your sea legs, and move on with your life. If it really was meant to be, you’ll probably find each other again though. Good luck.
