*sigh* Relationship advice - and I can't believe I'm asking

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Well, not advice per se; more just opinions on whether what I did was right or not. I can’t believe I’m posting this on the internet, but hey, sometimes talking to random strangers helps, right?

OK, the customary background: I’ve been a part-time teaching assistant at a school over the last two years, and I quit in July to pursue a Master’s in London. During this time, I got rather friendly with and then strongly attracted to a senior student. Now before you all come down on me like a ton of bricks, I did NOT say anything to her or do anything to let her know my feelings. She wasn’t my student, but given the circumstances it would have been terribly inappropriate, to say the least. For the record, she’s 19 and I’m 25. So, I kept things to myself, shut up and carried on as if everything was normal and I wasn’t barely keeping a lid on my feelings. This started early this year, and it didn’t get any easier as the year progressed.

After I quit (nothing to do with her, the degree was planned and I was leaving anyway), I went home for a couple of months over the summer, before coming back in September to start my Master’s. I’d left a lot of stuff over at the school where I had been working, so I went down for a few days to say hello to friends and collect my things.

I’d thought a lot about telling her what I was feeling, and decided to be honest and open about it, so I told her - and that blew up in my face rather spectacularly. She was very, very upset with me for telling her, although I’d made it very clear that I had no expectation from this and I pretty much already knew what her answer was going to be. I suppose there was still that faint hope which led me to say it. I also felt quite strongly that it’s far better to be open and honest about feelings, which I still feel, but she said I was being selfish and should never have said anything. I also remember she said something along the lines of “You’ve gained your honesty, but did you ever stop to think what I would have to lose?” We were close friends before this happened, and while I think the friendship might ride this storm out, I don’t know. She also knew what I was feeling, incidentally, because a mutual friend in whom I’d confided had blabbed something when under the influence. When she mentioned this, I was still more surprised by the violence of her reaction - if she knew, what was wrong in my saying it, just to clear the air and have everyone on the same page? Pointing that out didn’t help, of course.

So the question is: Was I selfish in saying this, and should I have just shut up and moved away without saying anything because I knew she didn’t share the feeling, or did I do the right thing? Am I naive in thinking that friendship is primarily about honesty, and working through things, rather than hiding from what might be uncomfortable? Don’t worry about sparing my feelings; I’ll borrow a rhino skin for the duration. Thanks in advance to anyone who made it this far and is still able to respond.

2

So sorry to read what happened.

IMHO you did nothing wrong. Far better to get the uncertainty out of the way even if you were left only with a pile of wrecked hopes. I’ve had the opposite reaction–never told the girl what I felt, and as a result I could never relax with her and no real relationship ever developed. And I spent years pining for what might be.

At least now you can move on to another.

It still sucks, though. I think you already went through the part that needed the rhino skin, though.

3

A spectacular conceit. There are tons of things you need to to keep to yourself to have a decent existence. She’s upset because she’s not that into you as a date/mate prospect, and now the friendship is all awkward & messed up. Having said this if it was really tearing you up and she was nominally available and unencumbered you needed to say something anyway. Her hissy fit about how awkward your revelation makes your relationship with her is not out of the ordinary.

You tried & you got shot down. It happens to the best of us. Cowboy up and move on.

4

Sounds like you did the right thing, and she got all drama queeny on you. Don’t sweat it.

5

FWIW, since I don’t know you at all, and with the only authority of being 15 years older and probably having a modicum of experience more than you, especially in the field of getting involved with the wrong person… But here’s my opinion:

Forget about the friendship. Despite that I’m nearly 40, I’m currently friends with a couple of 19-year-olds too - one of them is coming to visit this weekend; but their version of friendship is different to mine. It’s also different to mine when I was 25. Sure, you might end up in a few years being friends with people who are currently 19, but IME currently they will take or leave you depending on how much you amuse/entertain/support them: their life experience and yours are rather different; and in my experience, if you start to turn into a pain in the ass, they’ll drop you like a ton of bricks.

As for confessing your feelings: hell yeah, you had to do it. You’d kick yourself for the rest of your life if you hadn’t. The result was bad. Write it off to experience - but remember to give her your email address, just in case. :wink:

6

Seems like you’re better for the experience, and also better off without her. Move on.

7

You did nothing wrong. She just couldn’t deal with it, which is HER problem. Now you know and can move on. Sorry it worked out that way, though you might’ve just lucked out…

8

Very well put, jjimm. I’m a 26 year old with a fair number of friends (people who I call up to spend time with socially) who span the ages of probably 18 to somewhere around 50. It’s amazing to watch how dramatically people change, and how their interactions with other people change, from the ages of high-school to post-college (or post-whatever they do after high school).

Some of the younger folks I like a lot and get along with great, and even have shared serious and meaningful conversations with, well, I don’t necessarially expect them to continue to have the same relationship with me that they have in the past, as the years go by, particularly as they go through that transition from living at home to living at school, and really being on their own (yet free from responsibility).

So, don’t feel too bad, and chalk it up to experience. Most (but not all) 18 or 19 year olds are generally not going to be ready for the somewhat more weighty close relationship of a person six or seven years older.

9

Well, I don’t understand her reaction. Personally I think it’s pretty nice when someone says that they like me, or find me attractive, or whatever. I mean, that’s NICE. Even if it’s a woman (I don’t swing that way) or a guy I’m not into or whatever, it’s still awfully nice to be liked, ya know?

I think her reaction has a lot to do with her being 19 but you didn’t do anything wrong.

Geezo Pete - I can’t imagine getting mad at someone because they said they LIKED me. sheesh.

10

I agree with alice. What in the world did she have to pitch a hissy fit about? Someone pays her a compliment and she blows up? Sounds like you are much better off without her.

I don’t think you were wrong to tell her. Normal people would consider it a compliment even if the feelings weren’t returned.

11

Assuming the circumstances as you state them, I’m in agreement. You should feel fortunate that you did tell her and learned now how immature she is.
My granny used to say, “Beauty’s only skin deep”.

12

For a less charitable wild-ass guess - maybe she was happy about having a friendship-only with an older man and didn’t much care about your feelings in the matter. Apparently she was hoping you’d stay clammed up and pining (or just stop pining already) and not mention the elephant in the room, and when you tried to resolve the situation she didn’t want to. You’re better off without her, even though it hurts right now.

13

From the perspective of a much older person, here’s my take on this.

If you really valued the friendship and still needed to explore the possibility of something more romantic (which is very different from being “open and honest”; more about that later) then you needed to approach this in a way that allowed you plausible deniability, and allowed her a graceful way to turn you down without ruining the friendship. Exactly what sequence of steps that would be depends on you two. Maybe asking her to a movie, and the next time out to dinner, would give her the message that you’re interested and allow her to refuse if she was uninterested, without putting her on the spot - she could just keep saying she was “busy” and after a couple of those you would get the message and back off. Or something else. Remember, plausible deniability (where you can say you were just asking her out to spend more time with a friend) and a graceful exit for her are the key.

As for being open and honest, that’s all for you and nothing for her. As someone has already said here, there are lots of things that friends keep from each other. It would be different if she asked you how you felt - then honesty could be called for. But for you to volunteer the information out of the blue seems, to me, selfish (in the bad sense).

I hope you are able to keep this friendship, if that’s what you want. I can scarcely remember what it was like to be 25 (let alone 19) but I suspect that this will not be easy. Good luck.

Roddy

14

I’ve got to agree with Roddy, and reply to the posters who thought she should have felt flattered. Sometimes there’s something sad and disappointing when a woman thinks she’s got a genuine friendship with a man only to have him declare his love for her. As if he’s been humouring her the whole time (though I know some would say romantic attraction has a place above friendship). I’ve had it happen, and when I’ve felt it was almost going to happen (as this girl probably did if someone blabbed to her), I’ve done everything possible to prevent it.

It’s hard to describe, but Ibsen does it well in A Doll’s House with the scene where Nora pretends to proposition Krogstad and realizes he’d take her up on her offer were it genuine. Maybe I’m totally off in this case, but just thought I’d provide another p.o.v.

15

Of course I meant Dr. Rank. Way to make a nice cultural reference and totally screw it up, Cat Fight.

16

You didn’t do anything wrong, per se, but I don’t think you should be at all surprised that this has ruined your friendship.

Honesty is great and all, but some things are better left unsaid. Not hearing this from you would allow her to pretend it wasn’t true, and you could go on being friends with no awkwardness or weirdness. Now, that isn’t possible.

You can say all you like about her being 19 and immature, and I agree that “blowing up” about it was a bit harsh, but I’ve lost many a great friendship because the fellows weren’t able to just be friends. And what a shame.

Anyways, it’s for the best. You would have always felt something more than friendship, and the fact that you wouldn’t have ever gotten anything more out of it could possibly have led to resentment and awkwardness anyway.