In 7 years, you will be a deputy sheriff and will make a traffic stop on a green sedan. The driver is a nutjob who wants to commit suicide by cop. Don’t make the approach, but tell him over the loudspeaker to get out of his car with his hands visible.
And in 1984, take the opportunity to come home via England.
To me between high school and college, 1989:
You are not fat. In fact, this is the best body you’re going to have in years. Exercise is your friend; so is the salad bar, except for the ranch dressing and croutons. Show your body! Don’t hide in jeans and baggy T-shirts!
Don’t waste your time rushing sororities. It’s not worth the humiliation.
Get a math tutor.
Don’t fall in love so easily. There are many un-trustworthy guys in college. Especially the skinny redhead in fatigues. Stay away from him!
And for god’s sake, don’t get a credit card. Trust me.
If he loves you, he’ll want you to do the things you want to do, not complain about the time they take. Learn the difference between love and possession. And then, do some of those things, damn it! Make yourself a happier person.
Also, relax a little. You can be friends with people even if they disagree with you. Maybe you’ll learn something.
Oh, and while we’re at it, try talking to your mother. She’s a little rigid, but she really does care. You’ll learn this eventually, but it couldn’t hurt to try it out now.
Don’t wait so long to buy your first house, home equity is a good thing, even if it means you have to stay in one place.
1, You’re Gay…big fuckin’ deal, you’ve known since you were about 5 years old, so just get over it and admit it to everyone and don’t wait those few extra years.
Take all that money you made mowing grass as a kid in Illinois and buy five acres of cheap, crappy, arid land on Las Vegas Blvd, near Tropicana, and forget about it until you get older. Then sell it and retire when you are 40.
Find and become platonic buddies with some nerdy guys named Bill Gates, Steven Spielberg or Steve Jobs. They’ll be fun to know, help start their businesses and pal around with when you get older.
Go ahead - skip the community theater production of Brigadoon and go to that farm in NY…I think it is called Woodstock…and have fun.
Warn several hundred people you have met that it might be wise and fun to use condoms when having sex, even if they can’t get their partner pregnant.
Wrap it up.
Your father means well when he gives you career advice but he doesn’t know as much as he thinks he does.
Make sure to introduce your college calculus teacher to your grandfather. It will save you two years. But still go on a trip to the US with that same organization your cousin’s using.
That hot girl does like you. You know that. Do something about it. Even if it doesn’t last forever you could have a lot of fun.
Save your bloody money and buy a house ASAP. Prices are going to double in the next five years and you’ll be laughing.
Stop moaning about £300 rent per month. You’ve got more disposable income now than you’ll ever have in your life. (True so far atleast)
Selling does not make you a salesman or pushy or rude. You can do your job well and still be a nice guy.
Anger is a harmful emotion. Don’t hang onto it. Sometimes it is useful to force you to take action, but mostly it will just eat away at you. Let it go.
Instead of going out with boys that like YOU, go out with boys that YOU LIKE. You, eighteen-year-old-self, are HOT and can pick and choose. Seriously! Even that really really cute one!
Hey, welcome to the boards. I didn’t see you show up! 
Don’t ever grow your hair out. It always looks bad.
Just be friends with the mopey thirty-year-old. Do not get drawn into his drama.
Do not go out with the crazy blonde, even though she is hot and hot people usually don’t even notice that you’re there.
Forget about Kyle. He is also crazy, and by the time he notices you, he will be much crazier and harder to shake off.
You will reach your peak of beauty this year. Get up off your ass and work on keeping that, instead of letting yourself slide inexorably downward.
Don’t work for a boss. Earn your own money, even if it’s driving cabs or washing windscreens.
If your Dad says he can open a door for you towards starting your career, Let Him. That whole “I want to make it on my own” schtick is just Hollywood BS. He won’t be around forever, so you better accept his help now while he can. His friends will have short memories once he’s gone. Lets face it: No one will give a shit about you once your parents are dead (except your wife & kids). Even then your wife will always be keeping one eye on the door.
That hot chick in Calc III that dropped so many hints she wanted to go out with you but you didn’t ever ask her because you were embarrassed about being a broke college student …
:: SLAP! :: Hey! Moron! You’re all fucking broke college students! Ask her out already!
Goddamnit I don’t even remember her name any more …
Don’t listen to your mother. She means well, but the education/career/life path that she has chosen for you isn’t the one you’ll end up taking anyway. Instead, take some time now to check out a few interesting things that have attracted your attention–these will become the career/life path you take, and it will be much easier to learn and practice them now, rather than trying to squeeze the necessary learning of them into your schedule later.
Listen to your Dad a little more. He’s seen and done a lot, and he’s nobody’s fool–if he suggests something, no matter how outlandish it may seem at the time, chances are that he’s confident you can do it and succeed. He believes in you, you fool, and though you may not realize it, that’s a good thing. Besides, by getting to know him better now, you may find that you’ll have gained a great buddy sooner than you would otherwise.
Grow a little backbone. You’ve already got one, as some family members have learned to their shock, but it needs strengthening. At 18, you’re legally an adult; the rest of the world will treat you as such, and you must insist that your family does too. I won’t detail what will happen–you’ll know it when it does–but be ready for it, and stand your ground!
Take the job as a hitman.
Invest in Microsoft, Apple, Cisco, eBay, Amazon, and Google.
Register sex.com
Bail out of all tech stocks before March 2000 and stay out until 2003.
What you do for a living is actually pretty important. Figure out something that you could see doing for 40 or 50 years – even if the pay doesn’t seem that great, even if the learning curve seems steep – and pursue it with the same doggedness you’re pursuing music and writing. You can still have hobbies.
When deciding on a potential mate, look carefully at their relationships with their parents and their last significant other. It’s pretty important.
You love to travel. Do as much as you can manage.
Oh, in another year or so: that cheap apartment on Avenue C that seems like it might be a good idea? It’s a REALLY good idea.
You have just finished your freshman year of college. You are allowed to drink as much soda as you want. Do not drink more than two servings per day. Certainly do not drink a twelve-pack every two days. You will not always weigh 175 pounds.
In about a year, a girl on whom you have a deep and abiding crush will invite you to her bedroom very late at night. Once there, she will intimate that she would have a lot more ability to think about the possibility of a relationship with you if she didn’t have the crushing weight of a ten-page paper on The Masque of the Red Death to finish that night. She is not telling you the truth. She will get an A+ on the paper you stay up until 3:00AM to write for her, and you will get the “let’s just be friends” speech while the ink is drying. Go home, spare yourself the single most humiliating experience of your college life.
When you graduate, go directly to graduate school. You will never go back if you take time off.
Right after graduation, your parents will tell you they are divorcing. Warn your father now. Your mother is planning to set your father up for sales tax evasion on his business.
It will turn out for the best, though, your dad will meet a wonderful woman who will be the grandmother to your kids, but you can save your dad some stress and grief if you tell him now.