Speaking as a child of divorce, one that ended because of a similar scenario on my father’s side, the BEST thing you could do right now is either end the affair and do your best to put your marriage back together.
Or end the marriage. now.
These things do not stay hidden forever, they never do, and your children will be much better off growing up with separated parents than living with this.
I know you wanted a pat on the back for finding “happiness” or whatever it is you have found, but what you are doing to your children is disgusting. I won’t mention your husband, because I don’t think that would really bother you, but you are hurting your kids right now.
This is a partnership, you and your husband, and as another poster said, when your boys find out that mommy was cheating on daddy, it’s going to take a long time for them to forgive you for that and possibly longer before they are able to find the trust in their own marriages they thought mommy and daddy had. Given that they are old enough to fully understand what you’re doing.
Can you tell I’ve gone through this from another perspective?
My ex-husband had a number of affairs. No kids were involved. It hurt like hell every time I found out. I was often willing to subconciously ignore it, but someone ALWAYS feels like they need to tell you (and trust me, someone will see you out with him and snitch - someone will see your car parked in front of his house). (By the way - I think snitching is the right thing to do - I can always respond with “we have an open relationship.”)
Finally, he left - found his true soulmate. That act of courage (which wasn’t him - it was the woman he was seeing who pressured him into it) gave me freedom - in a few years I married someone else (Brainiac4) and we’ve been happily together going on fifteen years. Brainiac4 and I spent eleven years as friends - attracted to each other but not following through because we were dating (or married to) other people. Had my ex had the decency to cut me lose years earlier, maybe we’d have gotten together years earlier.
Your husband’s soulmate (I don’t really believe in the concept, but you apparently do) could be someone he works with RIGHT NOW. And he is being a “good husband” and ignoring the obvious attraction. And a year from now she could leave and he could not have any idea where she is when you decide three years from now that this is real. Do him the favor of allowing him the opportunity to be happy.
conurepete nailed it on the first page. If you’re so damn happy breaking promises, tell him so he can go out and get himself some pussy that’s not just going to lay there and count ceiling tiles till it’s all over. Or would you find that painful? If so, you’re lying to yourself about your “happiness.”
When your boys find out ( and they will, just like your husband will) you have just given them a life long distrust of women.
You’ve damaged them for the first 20+ women in their lives. and then those women who get shit on or the cold treatment from your sons will probably, in turn, shit on the next guy they are interested just as a preemptive strike. It is a vicious circle you have started.
If lacking honor, integrity and class makes you happy, you have some mixed up ideas on what happiness really is.
You are living a lie. Yes, I can understand why you did this, and I don’t condemn you for it. But I can’t understand why you continue to do this. That’s the wrong part. Either stop or get divorced.
What, just because women are all lying, scheming, manipulative whores who’ll use you for the entertainment and stability you can provide, and then move onto the next appealing thing once the shiny wears off? Nah, she won’t do them any damage. And they certainly won’t make the mistake of kitting up with a woman like Mom as a subconscious way of repairing the resentment and distrust only to be repeatedly betrayed and progressively more mistrustful, concluding that their basic prejudices, reinforced by personal experience, accurately portray the female species at large. What could you be thinking?
If you want to be happy, then be happy. You can do whatever you like in this life. You just have to accept the consequences.
I have a feeling your husband is a lot smarter than you give him credit for. To the point that you think you may be pulling the wool over his eyes while he is quietly talking to a divorce lawyer and making arrangements for you to come home to an empty house after one of your trysts.
Either work on your marriage or divorce your husband. If you deserve better, then doesn’t your husband? Doesn’t he deserve someone who will love him for who he is, gladly make love to him, and not look down on him as some sort of functioning autistic?
This will end in tears. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but you are not as smart as you think you are. You will make a mistake. Then you will realize it was not worth it.
Add me to the pile of posters who thinks it was really stupid for you to post this here. Not only announcing that you are shamelessly cheating on your husband, but then saying disparaging things about his intelligence to jusitfy your behavior. If life was a story, you would not be the good guy. You would be the villian.
I know it’s hard, but you need to communicate with your husband about what you are feeling. You don’t have to confess to cheating just yet, but at least tell him that you’re unhappy and why. Having hard conversations like this, instead of sneaking around, is part of being a mature adult. You owe it to the man you love to be honest with him. I don’t care if he’s intelligent or not.
Have you considered that the reason why this affair seems so vital to you is because, as a SAHM, you don’t get enough stimulation at home? Maybe if you got a job, you could find the same release that you get with your loverfriend. It would be a reason to get out of the house and do something new and possibly exciting. You’d be able to interact with new people, maybe make some new friends, and find some meaning in work that doesn’t revolve around taking care of other people.
My thoughts - you’ve been married for 15 years without ever fully committing to your husband, and you wonder why you don’t have a happy marriage? Long-term love is a decision and lots of actions, not simply an emotion.
Second, you’re pumped full of new-relationship endorphins right now. You are truly not thinking clearly.
Third, as everyone else has said, your kids are going to get hurt by your actions. You think they don’t already know that you don’t love and respect their father? They see it in every look of disgust you give him, every time you talk down to him, every kind, loving gesture you DON’T make to him. They may be young, but they see everything.
You sound like a very lost person to me, RSSchen, but this path isn’t going to take you and your family anywhere you want to go.
One specific thing RSSchen, are you planning on addressing any of the suggestions here? Answer any questions? Because otherwise, I’d think this is pointless and we’re all basically talking to ourselves.
I had all these things to say, but everyone else seems to have covered it just fine.
Divorce your husband (and free up an obviously good man for the rest of the female population) or end it. Of all the people posting, only one says that what you’re doing is peachy. That should tell you something. And think of it this way - if the guy you’re so in love with now would cheat on his wife, why wouldn’t he cheat on you? Of course, his friends are proably saying the same thing about you. he say sin three years he’ll marry you. But how do you know that, when push comes to shove, he really will?
I have a friend who was married to a woman who cheated on him almost from the beginning, who abused drugs, and who put her kids into dangerous situations. During the breakup and divorce, her constant excuse was, “But I just want to be happy. And doing this makes me happy. Why don’t I deserve happiness?” You don’t sound much different to me.