Mods: No clue which Forum this should go into. I don’t consider it Mundane, but it’s not a Great Debate. Please move if necessary. Have to assume this will be an interesting but civil discussion. Can’t imagine it landing in the Pit.
Okay. This is a question for African-American Dopers. Not black people worldwide who are Dopers. Specifically African-Americans. I had something happen yesterday and it’s been itching in my brain.
I’m at a hotel in Miami, Florida. I went down yesterday morning to retrieve lost luggage. The lady behind the desk was an African-American woman. She informed me she did have my bag and went to get it and pass it through the door next to the front desk. When I saw her, I almost said something to the effect of, " you have beautiful eyes ", for she did. They were a smoky deep blue. ( yes, I know people can buy faux eye colored contact lenses. You can tell them a mile off because the irises look like the striations and lines were, well, cut by a laser and not by nature. I was close enough to her when she handed off her bag to see that these were not contacts )
My brain clocked a new processor speed and my mouth stayed shut. Here’s the path my thoughts took:
" My god look at her eyes they’re glorious say something to her, no wait she probably hears that all day from folks in her line of work, seeing new people every 2 minutes, hell say something anyway it’s a kindness and they’re stunning and people feel great when they’re complimented but then again how do I know how she feels about the fact that her eyes are announcing to the world the genetics involved and the white ancestors mixed in there somewhere with her black ancestors and to what extent might she not be pleased that she’s got eyes usually associated with white folks’ features and might she be a bit prickly about her eyes instead of proud of them because they do point to a mixing of the gene pool and it might upset or embarrass her instead of pleasing her to get yet another remark about her eyes, so just shut up and take the bag and thank her ".
So. For African Americans- many of whom have white ancestors in the last few generations and some of whom know for a fact that this white ancestry was introduced by force or coercion due the the Slavery situation in the United States ( and for 100 years before it was a United States )- I have to ask you: if your eyes have coloration in them that is not the typical range of brown coloring, how do you feel about them? What do you feel when people remark upon them? Do members of your own family remark upon them? Is it a huge no-no within the African-American community to talk about eye color? If your eyes do not have any unusual coloration to them, what’s the internal reaction when meeting people whose do?
Thank you for answering in advance. This is a prickly one, and I ask all Dopers who stop by to post to craft their posts with the same care and respect I’ve taken with my O.P.
I’m AA, but my eyes are brown, so I probably don’t qualify to answer your question.
However, you might as well be asking about the touchiness of any phenotypic feature a black person has that might be traced to white slaveowner. (And I say might because there’s no rule that says traits like eye color couldn’t have originated from Africa or some other non-European source. Mutations are known to occur as well.)
I have light brown skin and this trait may have largely come to me by way of slavery, but I don’t have any baggage because of that. I will bristle if someone insinuates something “extra” about me simply because of my skin color (e.g. “You’re not really black!”). Rationally or irrationally, I’ll also bristle if someone suggests that I’m attractive because of my skin color. But this reaction of mine has nothing to do with slavery; I’m just sensitive to prejudice and colorism, even with these kind of biases favor those that look like me. If someone were to say “Wow, you have a lovely complexion” I would smile and say thank you. No offense at all.
I can’t imagine it being any different with eye color to be honest. Unless you bring up race, her mind probably won’t even go there.
I am a caucasian woman, so I can’t answer the question in full. But I will say this. Fullsome personal comments, even compliments, given during momentary encounters during the course of dealing with strangers, can go over as creepy depending upon the person’s mood. Since there is no way of determining how such a comment will be taken by a stranger, it is best to keep such comments to yourself.
You could have complimented her on her eyes, but then you’d need to compliment a traditionally Afro feature too in order to strike the proper balance. It’s an open-face compliment sandwich. Never fails. Never unbearably awkward. At all.
Another caucasian, and not even american, woman chiming in to repeat this. When I worked behind a bar, personal comments like this were not appreciated as they were often followed by repeated requests for a date or much worse when I was just trying to get on with my job.
And, thinking about it, if it isn’t okay to say it to a colleague you don’t know in an office situation (which were I’m from it wouldn’t be) then I don’t see why it’s okay to say it to someone working a front desk.
I’m not African American. Not even black. But I’m Jewish and we have a rich cultural history all our own so I feel uniquely qualified to answer this question.
Would that some well meaning stranger came upon me and said “your skin! It is so golden, so luxurious. I am besmitten by it.”
My responses, in order of liklihood, would be:
Uh…thanks?
Yup. I tan pretty easily.
My hovercraft is full of eels
Thank you, asshole, for reminding me that my ancestors were raped by the Egyptians.
And even then, #4 would probably be way down there in terms of percentages, because outside this thread popping up, that response wouldn’t have even occurred to me.
I’m only half AA, but I don’t see myself getting offended complimenting me on my eyes. I am very light skinned and I’ve had people compliment me on my skin tone before and I just took It as it was meant: a compliment.
(I did have one friend, white guy, tell me he can’t turn off the light or else he’d lose me. I just looked at him, confused, then rolled up my sleeve and said, “Jackass, I’m lighter than you are.”)
Ah, maybe that’s why I was so confused by Two Many Cats’s post and the beginning of yours, most of the places I’ve worked in were places where “wow, your eyes are gorgeous” would have been perfectly appropriate by itself.
In my experience, in the black community, ‘funny colored’ eyes are prized as an almost universal attractive trait. We consider ‘funny colored’ anything other than very dark brown or black. It is ‘exotic’ in our community because of its rarity.
Consider a compliment to her the same way you would to any other attractive girl about traits she probably hears all the time. Like a girl with deep dimples. Would you say, “Wow, you have a great smile and cute dimples.” to her? Maybe? Same deal. You gotta know she hears that all the time.
The whole ‘white folks in your bloodline’ thing isn’t really a factor. We all know we all have some white blood in there somewhere. If a person is obviously mixed with all the features that usually go with that, they may be a bit leery of folks telling them they have ‘Some good hair’ or whatever. But mostly, it doesn’t seem to be an issue.
All of this is from my own perspective, of course. I have dark brown eyes, but many in my family, including my sister have green eyes. I personally prefer brown or black eyes, for the record.
I’m considered African-American, male. My eyes are hazel, leaning heavily to green. My family never mentioned it much. I got (and still get) a lot of compliments on my eyes from ladies, no guy has ever mentioned them. My wife loves my eyes, neither of my children got them though my daughter got my skin-color.
My paternal grandmother was Cherokee, she’s a known factor. On the maternal side all of the grandparents I’m aware of were black, however two of my aunts are as light-skinned as I am. I seriously doubt my granny was stepping out so somewhere there’s some Euro- or more Native American somewhere. It’s never been discussed in my presence and most of the people who would know are deceased.
I used to get a lot of white-boy and half-breed crap when I was in school (early '80’s) but it’s not a (spoken) factor now. I simply no longer care. It is what it is.
Like most things, I think a lot of variables would cause different reactions at different times.
Another vote for waaaaaaaaay overthinking. Black people don’t require special handling: if you’d compliment a white desk clerk on her features (and I wouldn’t), you can treat a black person the same way.
Any random white person’s great-great-grandmother might have been impregnated by a morally bankrupt rapist, too, you know. (Edit: this last comment is to say anyone’s physical features could have an unpleasant backstory, but it’s a weird thing to worry about.)
Wonder what Dale Carnegie would say about the OP. Part of his “winning friends” schtick was to pick out something nice about a person and compliment them on it. Maybe that only worked in the 1920’s?
There’s a difference between complimenting someone on something they have control over, like a piece of jewellery or pleasantness, and something they have no control over. The main thing is not to allow the impression that you’re hitting on someone or have ulterior motives.
Dr. Drake - you summed up my feelings exactly. Compliments are for what you’ve done, not what you were born with. No matter how pretty my hair color may be, unless I own up to it coming from a bottle, it’s genetics and I had no choice. The style, on the other hand, is my choice or my design, so compliments are appropriate. It’s like the line between commenting on someone’s body and on how they look all gussied up: “You’ve got a great ass” vs “Those jeans look great on you.”
I suppose for eyes, because they can be striking, one could comment “You must be especially happy today - your eyes are sparkling and you look radiant.” I’d rather hear that than “Gee, you have pretty eyes.” I recognize that I’m atypical and my opinions are far from representative of humans in general, let alone all women, but there you are.
Another whiny screed from guys who don’t understand that maybe giving personal comments to random women is not the best way of opening up a conversation.
Guys, what’s wrong? If you want to talk to a gal, why is the first thing that jumps to your mind to mention are her body parts? Why don’t you ask her opinion on current events, or the weather, or the charms of the locality about you? Is it so difficult to do so? And then you get pissed off when we’re not immediately smitten with your choice of topic about our eyes, hands, hair or whatever.
I talk to guys. I usually start with something local in the news or whatnot, or something in a book I happen to be reading. I’ve had many interesting conversations in this way, and started a lot of nodding acquaintances. The thing I don’t do is say, “Dude! Those are some big, tightly muscled biceps you’re packing!” :rolleyes: