Ah, the wit and wisdom of apricot syrup.

The BBQ Pit
1

Folks, there’s a new intellect in town and his name is apricot syrup. I think he should have his own advice column, but I’m sure I’m in the minority. That’s why I’ve started this in the Pit as opposed to MPSIMS.

What’s that you say? You want cites? Fine.

In a thread about how sucky marriage is because dude’s wife stopped kicking out, apricot syrup tells us:

People in the thread took him to task but I say they’re wrong. I agree with apricot syrup: it is explicitly stated in the Great Contract O’ Marriage that a wife must offer her love taco (or fun bags, whatever floats your boat) no less than every 2.48 days. I bet you married people have never even read you Great Contract O’ Marriage.

In another thread, this one a light-hearted peek into the demented psyche of women (those broads never mean what they say), apricot syrup opines:

You see, very few people understand that lying, cheating and manipulating are genetic traits. So, sure, the average person may think apricot syrup’s talking out his ass but us smarter Dopers know dude is spot on.

In another thread in which a poster chases down some hardened, gun toting (or was it home theater-toting…I can’t remember) criminals Miami Vice-style, our resident sage warns:

Remember, kids, when you help the police put the bad guys behind bars, you’re contributing to evil. You see, for every person the police arrest, they send ten dollars to Evil. It’s a little known fact that Evil regularly sends a stack contribution envelopes to law enforcement facilities. Officers keep a running tally of how many criminals they arrest and, at the end of the week, use the envelopes to send in their contribution. Evil disburses the funds to Hate and Retribution, accordingly. Society would be much better off if everyone just turned a blind eye to crime. Mind your own business and prevent evil. (I think I smell a bumper sticker…)

Those are just three of many great posts offered by our apricot syrup. If that’s not enough, do your own search and I think you’ll see this man truly deserves his own advice column. We’ll call it Apricot Syrup On…

Thank you, apricot syrup. It’s people like you that keep the Straight Dope (motto: Fighting Ignorance Since 1973) essential.

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::::Clap clap:::::

Well said, as always, Juanita.

3

I must say, this is the least suprising pit thread I’ve ever seen. This schmuck’s had it coming for a while now…

My take–he thinks he’s being shocking and daringly “honest” when in truth he’s simply pathetically seeking whatever little nuggets of attention his nasty comments evoke.

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Damn it! On your advice, I just reviewed my Big Contract O’ Marriage™ and discovered that it has a no Love Taco clause!

5

I just wonder if we haven’t seen this asshole before. He’s racked up quite a load of shit in his two days here; is it possible he’s transitioned to this posting style after a bout of lucid dreaming?

Daniel

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apricot syrup also showed up in this thread to give us a lesson on karma:

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I saw the thread in the third example in the OP earlier today and just knew that he was gonna get pitted.

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Good pitting, JuanitaTech. Eagerly awaited and richly deserved.

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I can almost buy the third example, as a staple of Buddhist-style thinking (not spreading more bad vibes, turn the other cheek, what have you), but reconciling that viewpoint with the first two examples boggles my mind.

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Hilarious, Juanita! But you forgot that for every person they imprison, the judge kills a kitten.

I’ve been wondering on a similar line as Daniel, but waited to see if someone else would bring it up.

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My money is that he’s transitionality incarnation #3.

[sub]I’m so upset I missed transitionality’s pitting and banning while I was away…[/sub]

12

I say we lock apricot syrup and spingears in a room.

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I had just decided to quit feeding it and see if it would go away.

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Read carefully – in some areas, it’s called the Little Man in the Boat clause, or the Glory Hole proviso. It’s standard boilerplate in most contracts, ever since 1999’s landmark case apricot syrup vs. lying frigid bitches.

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I put in another vote for this Doper being in a transition phase…

I was crusing the boards the night apricot syrup registered. This was about a day (or less than a day; I am not sure) after a certain not-lamented poster was banned.

I watched with great entertainment as our newbie Doper apricot syrup immediately (in his few posts) hit some of the threads where this late, not-lamented banned Doper had been active. It was a little uncanny, how this “newbie” knew just which threads to hit first.

I’m certainly not the only one who have done the math, and have thought about the exquisite timing here. Wow, what a coincidence! :rolleyes: One banned Doper leaves, and right away, a new Doper with a similar philosophy signs up! What are the odds?

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Least he doesn’t type in purple.

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I defended him briefly.

Shun me.

18

I shun Biggirl not for her defense of apricot syrup, but because she’s not coloured.

I love when school gets back in session.

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Um, I don’t want to stomp on a grand pitting, but mayhaps suspicions of multiple identities should be sent via email to the powers-that-be and not discussed in a thread. Just a thought.

Flame on.

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Who would flame you for that?