My understanding (admittedly without tremendous research) is that historically, in almost every society, there’s a wedding ritual. It’s a community event designed to ritually formalize the nature of a romantic/familial/sexual/political relationship.
My favorite part of our wedding was adopted from Quaker tradition: we asked my sister-in-law to write a formal, calligraphic promise to recognize and support our union, and we asked every wedding attendee to sign it. It hangs over our mantle in our home, a lovely confirmation of all the people who love us and support us. Our wedding was a way for us to bring our community together in celebration of our relationship, and it helps our marriage to know that there’s a community who supports us.
But I think there’s a different idea in weddings, an idea that’s promoted heavily by the wedding industry: it’s the idea of “The Perfect Day.” That’s not about being a part of a community. It’s about getting people to follow your whims. I suspect that it’s promoted by a wedding industry that profits off excess.
For all the problems with traditional marriage, I think that holding an event that celebrates the change of your role in a community is a very powerful, positive thing, and I hope that there’s a lot of pushback against changing into a “Perfect Day.”
Hmm. I’m not sure if I consider the wedding itself to be a party. The reception is clearly a party, but the wedding does seem more like a performance to me. You’re witnessing a ceremony that is used to begin a marriage. The people involved have lines and everything.
The main issue I have with dress codes is that the guests generally aren’t participants. On the other hand, you ideally get only one wedding, so I can see wanting it to go a certain way. And it genuinely seems quite rude to me if Uncle SoandSo knew that they wanted him to wear a tie and stubbornly refused. It doesn’t seem that bad to have one hour where the bride and groom can have something go the way they want. I’d think he was rude even if it was just encouraged.
Sure, it would be an asshole move to kick him out once he’s there, but then I would see him as counting on that so he can get his way. Because he couldn’t do something simple for just an hour. I know that type of relative.
Ideally, of course, you would hope that all of the invited guests would be okay with what you’re doing. And, if there’s something that’s a sticking point for someone, you can work it out with them. That’s why I thought about a “low key” way to fit the theme earlier.
I do tend to think of the wedding as being more for the bride and groom and other participants, rather than the people who are watching. I’ve always thought of the reception as more of a party thrown by friends and family for the newly wedded couple.
[quote=“BigT, post:62, topic:986881”] I
do tend to think of the wedding as being more for the bride and groom and other participants, rather than the people who are watching
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For sure, but the people watching are there to watch, not as props. Saying you can only come in period costume, or have to wear lavender, or wear a novelty hat, or whatever, is using them as props. It doesn’t matter if you are willing to “work with” each of them to find a compromise. They should never be required to buy special clothes or otherwise be part of the performance. Its reasonable to have expectations for the wedding party: they have agreed to be part of the ceremony.
Its perfectly reasonable for the people getting married to control the ceremony. Treating the audience as part of the ceremony and making their attendance conditional like that is a selfish, rude thing to do.
Also, I cannot imagine anyone saying “Its fine to refuse your friends entry to your wedding if they are not dressed in sundrop yellow as requested, but it would be rude to deny them entry to the reception for the same reason, as that part is a party and they are now guests”. No one makes that distinction.
I think there’s a difference between dress codes and costumes. There’s a difference between expecting guests to dress with a certain level of formality that you can reasonably expect most of them to have * and expecting a costume that will require almost everyone to buy new clothes. I would not have to buy new clothes to attend a wedding - I have dresses suitable for casual weddings and for more formal ones already in my closet. If I buy something new, it’s because I want to. But if someone wants me to wear a lavender dress or wants my husband to wear a salmon colored suit that’s really more of a costume in a way that simply a dress or a suit isn’t.
* it would be reasonable for me to expect suits because all of my potential guests own at least one suit. It wouldn’t be reasonable for me to expect tuxedos and it might not be reasonable for someone else to expect suits.
I think glossy Bride magazines are part of what’s driving this, ‘photos must be perfect’ hysteria. Girls see it and think, ‘I want photos as pretty as these!’
But even if you berate everyone into accommodating your colour choices and with your expensive photo guy, it’s NOT going to be what you saw in the magazine. They waited for perfect weather, perfect time of day, had extra lighting and spent hours getting that shot.
They didn’t have to squeeze in between the days other activities, or worry about dinner being late, etc!
We spent around $3,500 on our wedding back in 2000. We got married in a church that was a designated historical site, the reception was at a friend’s house, the catering was super cheap, and I had friends with an unhealthy amount of booze who provided the open bar. We decided we weren’t going into debt to pay for the wedding so we kept it a modest occasion.
If I didn’t want to do that–I’d say “Oh no thanks.” And I don’t go to the ______. And that’s it. That’s the end of the story. Now if they get mad at me for that… that’s on them. And they are the asshole. Again, my entire original point.
There’s also a difference between costumes and uniforms. The hypothetical steampunk wedding would involve costumes, but the core intent is for the costumes to help partygoers have fun.
At the wedding where the boys have to wear black and the girls have to wear lilac, the core intent is for the partygoers to disappear behind their uniform. It’s a selfish choice by the couple, to make themselves stand out.
The steampunk wedding? That couple you know is going to want picture after picture of their guests, with or without the couple in the frame. They want their guests to shine as much as they do. Some guy walks in dressed as a fully functioning brewery with that v shaped spark thing from Frankenstein on his head, the couple isn’t going to be mad about getting shown up, they’re going to be laughing and cheering at the great costume.
If we’re close enough that it actually matters–I’d hope that you’d be willing to do this thing for me. And if not, you’re able to say so and I’d understand. If you don’t want to go to my wedding because you don’t want to dress up–that’s fine but I’m also not an asshole in this scenario.
Like the weird scenario upthread of “What if the mom doesn’t want to dress up?” If the mom isn’t willing to do this thing for their kid…why does the kid have to defer? Why do the persons the wedding is for have to forgo the experience they want?
No one HAS to be there except the couple. It doesn’t even have to be elaborate to matter. You show up to my wedding in cargo shorts and a tshirt? And its not explicitly casual? F___ off. Why are you entitled to be there?
People are getting hungup on the “photos” … if it were just that, weddings would be greenscreened and everyone in morph suits. People have theme weddings because the theme whatever it is means a lot to them. And they want to show it or have their event be immersive. People wanting things a certain way on a day that means a lot to them doesn’t make them assholes or bridezillas–its how they act about those things that does.
It depends if the experience they want is reasonable to request. My nephew wanted guests in formal attire, this is reasonable. Perhaps a bit unusual these days, but not inherently ridiculous.
If a different relative wanted a nudist wedding, I have a feeling I’d be busy that weekend.
Telling guests to wear blue is, to my mind, somewhere beyond asking for formal attire.
These requirements sort of break the host/guest dynamic we see in other parties. If you host a Superb Owl party, your thought process is “what can I do to make my guests happy?” You want fun foods and drink and comfortable places to sit, right? The guests are the focus.
At a wedding reception, we flip that on its head and make the guests responsible for the happy couple’s happiness. Heaven forfend if someone wears a dress that clashes with the bride’s aesthetic vision for her special night. Guests should not be the NPCs that fill out the couple’s wedding day spectacle.
That’s pretty much it. If you want background characters for your “experience”, hire models or actors. If you want guests, treat them as guests.
If you want your guests to follow a script (up to and including any apparel they would not normally be expected to have or wear), they aren’t your guests but not especially well paid props. And you are taking advantage of their goodwill/friendship/familial bonds for selfish reasons.
I dunno. If I have a steampunk or Halloween costume wedding (I have a fiancee now- we love attending sp cons together and go to the Henri David ball every Halloween- so it could happen) most of the people we would invite would already have elaborate costumes for both scenarios.
Well, then, you can reasonably expect your anticipated guest list to have the apparel, because you have curated the list to make sure this is the case, and that’s fine. For the exceptions, hopefully you provide some accommodation, or else it would not be reasonable.
That doesn’t seem to be the case for some of the examples given above, and there’s a debate about how appropriate it would be to expect from guests.
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I’ve never understood this custom. What’s there to rehearse for a wedding? The only person who has to memorize any lines is the officiating party, and they’re generally pros who do this kind of thing for a living.