In this thread, Beelzebubba attributes a statement to the master along the lines of flatulence being a source of amusement for every culture on Earth.
If this is true, and this point is being checked as we speak, the UK can make an important contribution to solving the current problems in Afghanistan by bringing hostilities to a close, using its Governmental database of Flatulence Related Sounds (FRS), gathered surreptitiously and sneakily over the past four years from unsuspecting sources.
As stated elsewhere within these forums, and also without them, the British Government of New Labour has been covertly gathering sensitive data regarding the citizens of this country ever since 1997, when it was first elected due to the Total Incompetence of the ruling Conservative party.
In a bid to establish full control of public reactions to Governmental policies, Mr. Tony Blair placed an early moratorium on overt displays of flatulence at public meetings and press conferences concerning these policies.
To avoid cases of dubiety in identifying perpetrators of flatulence on such occasions, New Labour has been secretly taking samples from the attendees of these meetings, and filing them under the letter D for Dissidents in its Files.
At the first analysis stage of these samples, the sound element is separated from the gas content. The latter is despatched to The Laboratory for matching purposes, while the actual noise of the fart is stored on the FRS Database and burned to a Compact Disc as back-up.
Of course, it was never envisaged that FRS would be used in an offensive situation but the opportunity is quite frankly too good to ignore.
The proposal on the table is that the FRS database is trawled for farts of a suitable frequency and tone to enable someone, probably Elton John again, to come up with a new fart-oriented arrangement of Benny And The Jets, which can be played to Al Qaida so that they fall about laughing helplessly at the anal emissions of British Journalists and New Labour party faithful. Thus the members of Al Qaida can be rounded up with no further military action or musical intervention.
A Parliamentary sub-committee is to be set up to listen to all the available material and select the most appropriate noises for causing maximum hilarity amongst the enemy. The committee will also include a senior member of the British armed forces (probably a Rear Admiral), a stand-up comedian and an A&R man from EMI records. Oh, and Elton John I suppose.
When the best examples of flatulence have been chosen from the FRS database, having regard to the particular musical requirements of Benny And The Jets, Elton will put all the notes in the right order, which is the same order as the notes on all his other tunes, give or take.
The finished article will be pressed to Compact Disc and flown over to Afghanistan for deployment in the next phase of the operation.
(The Spice Girls will re-form in order to record a cover version of Elton’s arrangement in time for the Christmas market, and they will occupy the coveted Number One spot on the charts over the festive period. This eventuality is the kind of hardship one has to put up with in difficult times, although its probable effects on the British Family Christmas are difficult to quantify at this time).
While all this has been occurring, Defence Procurement will have placed an order with a supplier of Hi-Fi equipment (Sony) for a large number of Big Speakers through which to play the Benny And The Jets Compact Disc.
The logistics of the project require lots of speakers to be sited all along Afghanistan’s borders with Iran, Turkmenistan, Uzbekistan, Tajikistan, Pakistan, and that bit which sticks out into Jammu & Kashmir.
I have made a close study of the terrain in this area, and I have concluded that the Pakistani border will be the most difficult to place speakers on. It is likely that mules which have been specially trained to carry expensive hi-fi equipment up mountains will be required to transport those speakers to the Hindu Kush.
In positioning the Speaker System for offensive purposes against Al Qaida, it is recognised that innocent Afghans may become embroiled in the subsequent fracas. There is also the problem, surprisingly frequent using these methods of warfare, of misaligned speakers (including woofers and tweeters and things like that) rendering the entire population of Southern Turkmenistan helpless with mirth through collateral damage.
To avoid such circumstances alienating the British from their allies, vast numbers of earplugs will be dropped by parachute on those areas which may be so affected.
When the Speaker System is in place, a button will be pressed Somewhere, probably by Elton John, and the entire square mileage of Afghanistan will be filled with amusing noises of British Flatulence which will incapacitate the enemy at a stroke.
The SAS and US Special Forces can then disarm Al Qaida and everybody else can take their earplugs out (on seeing a prearranged signal from Elton John).
In my opinion, a new kind of war requires innovative musical techniques to solve the problems which arise. So, while this solution may seem unusual to the casual reader of these forums, it cannot be ignored simply because of that innovation.
I would appreciate any comments.
Note to moderator. I appreciate that the musical content of this thread may suggest that it would fit better in Cafe Society, but there is frequent mention of Elton John as well which is a good reason for not putting it there.
I will not be remotely offended if the thread is moved.