All the world's energy problems solved! Really! (Hiyruu...I want your take on this!)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Hey Hiyruu (and the rest of you science-minded Dopers):

I want your take (Hiyruu being an expert on non-traditional physics and all) on an exciting new theory that I came up with after a deep brainstorming session between myself and a couple rum ‘m’ Cokes.

Cold Fusion is important, right? I mean, really, really important. But the problem is getting those atoms and stuff to fuse without machines or suns or bombs or stuff. Right?

So here’s my idea. We combine the idea of cold fusion with Spontaneous Human Combustion.

What we do is get a couple of atoms that we don’t like (this’ll kill the atoms, so we don’t want to use nice ones like, say Gold or Iridium. Let’s use atoms that nobody likes, like say…Tantalum or Radon (everyone hates Radon, right?) or even Arsenic).

Anyway we get these atoms and paint little [sub][sub]tiny[/sub][/sub] faces on them, so they’ll look human.

Then all we need to do is get them to combust.

“Ah-HAH!” you say. “Fenris, you idiot, how can you get spontaneous human combustion to happen on demand?”

I look at you loftily and say “Peasant. I solved that particular problem first! Mwahahahahahahahahaha!”

Ahem.

See, I’ve searched the records of all documented cases of SHC and found something out: every single case that I’m paying attention to has one thing in common: nothing’s left of the victim except a smouldering pair of slippers. Therefore: THE SLIPPERS ARE THE CAUSE! :eek:

All we have to do is give each atom a [sub][sub]tiny[/sub][/sub] cigarette, a [sub][sub]tiny[/sub][/sub] shot of booze and then, when they’re all relaxed and unsuspecting…(and here’s the brilliant part) we slip [sub][sub]tiny[/sub][/sub] slippers on the atoms.

With a “fwump”-sound they’ll catch on fire like a Taliban radical trying to burn a flag, and begin to fuse. Keep adding more atoms to the mix, they’ll keep fusing.

And all the world’s energy problems will be solved!

I expect my Nobel Prize in the mail forthwith.

Fenris

2

Well…I think all SHC cases involved people of, umm…“girth”…to provide the ummm…needed “fat based fuel” to keep that fire cookin’
So you gotta figger outta way to fatten up dem atom boys…THEN I think you’ll be on to sumptin…

3

Fenris, I would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

4

Hmmm…I can’t fatten 'em up, per-se, but if the old Metal Men comics are to be believed, Lead and Osmium are pretty hefty. So let’s just slide the Slippers of Death on Lead and Osmium atoms.

Sound good?

Fenris

5

You can’t combust lead! Think of the ozone layer, man! Sorry, but the EPA is gonna INSIST that you use unleaded fuel only.

Back to your drawing board (bored?), Fenris.

6

I think ya’ need an equation in there Fenris.
I’m pretty sure all physics type scientific theories have to have an equation.
Plus you get to use it as a catchphrase, kinda like E=mc[sup]2[/sup], to fire the imagination of the great unwashed masses.
I suppose you could use 1+1=BOOM!

7

Cats always land on their feet, and toast always lands buttered-side down. Therefore, if one were to affix buttered toast face up to the back of a cat, and then drop it, the cat would spin indefinitely some inches above the ground. It could then be hooked to a dynamo to produce electricity. A buttered-cat array of moderate size could probably power a small town.

8

Doc: Ok, Osmium it is.

Bumbazine: I like your equation, but it leaves out the slippers. I can’t agree to any equation that leaves out the slippers. Lemme think about it.

Matt: Perfect!! That’s the kind of inventive thinking I’m trying to promote here!

Fenris

9

I took all the slippers away from my daughter’s Barbies because she kept putting them in her mouth.

I have them in a bag on my mantle.

Fenris, I’m worried.

What if some atoms get in those slippers?

Is it a fire hazard? Will they go up like an H-bomb?

I’m only an hour from Three Mile Island, and I don’t know if PA can take another nuclear disaster.

Where can I get some dampening rods, or should I store the slippers at the bottom of a pool, like they they store Uranium?

Have I already received a lethal dose?

10

Fenris: I believe you have forgotten to include the Golden Ratio. It will quite obviuosly not work without the Golden Ratio.

11

Scylla You were wise to remove the slippers from the dolls. Spontaneous Barbie Combustion (SBC) is the 37th leading cause of melted plastic in the American Household!

I think we’ve established that only Fat Atoms can ignite, and we learned from the Metal Men comic that only Lead and Osmium are Fat. So unless your collection of Osmium nuggets falls into the Barbie-Slipper bag, we’re perfectly fine.

Ell: Um…damn. You’re completely correct. I did forget the Golden Ratio!. Sh*t.

Wait! What if the ratio of slippers to Fat Atoms is the Golden Ratio?! Then it would all make sense!

Ladies and gentlemen, I believe we have a breakthrough!

Fenris.

12

hmph… your idea of a cat-toast dynamo would NEVER work. spinning above the ground? preposterousm i say!
the only way to draw energy from this system is to set toast and cats at opposite edges of a long pivot.

this array could be dropped from orbit to accellerate itself well past terminal velocity, due to the self-forcing-downingness of the opposite ends of the pivot.

it would be a relatavistic-speed orbitally deployed weapon with pinpoint accuracy!
there is no way of drawing energy from this effect as yet, but a device like this could be just the thing to fight terrorism. (a space based sniper kitty! just stick a long metal spike on the thing.)

13

Plus, as Ell said, there’s no golden ratio. Dopers, let us put our heads together and find how we can effectivize Matt’s Kitty-turbine with the power of THE GOLDEN RATIO. I’ll be thinking about it…will YOU?

Fenris