So a popular trail nearby in Asheville is closed for two weeks due to “aggressive bear” behavior. This got me to thinking: How long do you think a trail should be closed for other types of bear behavior?
So if Aggressive bears close the trail for two weeks then…
Bombastic bears: 4 days.
Please continue…
Curmudgeonly bears: until their next meal.
Dead bears: closed until we bury the remains
Eccentric bears: 5 days… maybe 6 just to be safe.
Frisky bears: Depends on the weather. During rainy season, three days. Bright and sunny, you want at least two weeks.
Goblin bears - only closed at night.
Hangover bears: the trail will NOT technically be closed, but please walk softly and speak only in hushed tones.
Irritable bears: Until they are in a pleasant mood for >24 hours straight.
Jailed Bears - just released on probation so should be on their best behaviour. If problems arise, call their probation officers.
Kodiac bears -closed until we can raise funds to get them a bus ticket home.
Lazy bears-closed because they don’t act nice when awakened.
Manicured bears - the trail will only be open until their nails are dry.
Nihilistic bears: truth be told, they don’t actually give a rat’s ass if the trail is open or closed OR if you’re hiking on it or not.
Bare bears - until they grow some fur.
Old bears - not closed, but they will growl at you if you get on their lawn.
Poseur bears - No need to close; you can simply roll your eyes and walk on by.
Quixotic bears: close for a month until they find some windmills someplace else.
Robot bears - 2^16 S
Surly bears: A two week closure will hopefully help them calm down and gain perspective.
Teddy bears: Closed until they have finished their picnic.
-“BB”-