Unruly bears - the trail is not closed. If they bother you, offer to guess their weight. That baffles them.
Virtuous bears: Do not close the trail.
Water bears: Trail will be open forever.
X-rayed bears: trail is closed until the results come back from the lab.
Yodeling bears: two-mile radius closed for one hour.
Zigzagging bears - Due to the high probability of a person getting blindsided by a large bear running seemingly erratically at top speed, trails have to be closed for the duration. Since the bears tire themselves out quickly, two days will usually be sufficient.
Ambivalent bears: Maybe close the trail for a day, or maybe not.
Berlin bears: Bis alle, die durchkommen wollen, deutsch sprechen können.
Care Bears: Closed until they get tired of using the “Care Bear Stare”.
Da Bears: Open Open only when paired with Da Bulls.
Elitist bears: Closed until the common bears all get the hell out of the way and out of sight. :: Sniff ::
Flying bears: closed until Bear Traffic Control provides clearance for through-traffic.
Gummi bears: Trail will remain closed, except to gummi trolls with proper licenses, during hunting season.
-“BB”-
Houston Astro bears - closed until they stop raising that unholy din banging on trash cans.
Intolerant bears: Close trail until bears become more open-minded.
Jiving bears: closed until the band finishes its set.
Kafkaesque bears: Close trail for an unspecified time as it leads to nowhere and bear encounters could occur for cryptic reasons and rangers cannot be found and side trails will lead back to the bears who make noises that the hiker will not be able to interpret.
Lolligagging bears: The trail is open but hikers are warned not to arouse the critters.
Mellow bears - No closure; the bears are harmless. They might even offer you a bong hit.
Networking bears: Trail will remain open, just don’t get in their way.