I definitely agree with the consensus here. My mother has alzheimers and lives in a lockdown facility. My siblings and I make a point to not contradict her. I have found the best strategy that works with her is to be constantly and extremely upbeat and positive, focusing on how lucky she is to live at a place where they take care of everything for her. She went through a period a year of so ago of getting scary thoughts in her head and being very argumentative if you tried to tell her they aren’t true, but she is now at a point where she is mostly relaxed and happy.
MSL - I feel your pain. My mother sometimes asks me if I ever think of her as a girlfriend and doesn’t seem to understand that being a mom and a girlfriend are mutually exclusive. I can deflect the conversation pretty quickly though.
It is such a painful situation. My adopted grandmother is becoming more and more confused. Sometimes the ideas she gets are harmless enough, like that she’s had a visit from someone who I know couldn’t possibly have been there. It’s easy enough to go along with those. What’s really hard is that she gets horrible ideas about my mother and other members of my family, and says really nasty things about them based on what she thinks they’ve said/done etc. Mostly I just change the subject, but there have been times when I’ve argued to the point of tears (on both sides, I’ll admit) to try to make her remember the love she has for these people, and vice versa. It’s just so painful to hear her saying these horrible things about good people I know she’s always loved, and knowing that she says them to others who don’t know that they aren’t true. However arguing gets us nowhere, and I’m trying more and more not to do it. I just move on to talking about something else. What’s the point of upsetting her by trying to make her see the truth, whether it’s about my mother not being an evil witch or about “them” moving her furniture around while she sleeps? I’d rather she has whatever peace and quiet her mind will allow her.
they can get paranoid and suspicious. it could be both a direct result of the disease or it could be what they come up with as the first or only explanation, i don’t know if which or both. without a short term memory life is distressing, how did the current state come about. they are in a situation where they can’t cope and supply a cause that is developed from their severely limited capacity.
I agree with this approach so much! I believe there is an emotional truth, even when all the details are jumbled or wrong and that’s what needs to be considered and respected. My dad knows a lady calls him every day and on some very good days I’m pretty sure he knows it’s me, but as long as I can get him to laugh, break up his day, connect somehow, I no longer care that he might not know I’m his daughter. Though it took me a while to figure out how futile it is to argue with a delusion or get him to remember something his brain clearly won’t, I now never try to set him straight. I will very occasionally try to correct a misapprehension if it’s something that agitates or upsets him and I can reassure him in some way, but that happens less and less often as he forgets more and more.
Thank you to everyone that have shared their experiences and advice. I really find solace is knowing we are not the only ones fighting this battle.
Yesterday my neighbor was transferred to a nursing home. She believes she works there. We asked what she did and she replied that she was there to talk with the patients. Since her response didn’t concern us, we all said how happy we were that she could comfort the patients. My mother gently told her that she was not to interfere with the nurses and not to touch anyone’s medication. She agreed and said that was other people’s duties, that she was just a listening ear.
We are all just trying to get her to smile and reassure her that she is in a good place. She always talks about how kind and friendly the staff is. Thankfully she has few bad thoughts that she expresses, only saying a few times that she thinks people have stolen objects that weren’t even brought with her (purse, shoes, jeans). We reassure her that no one stole her things, that we brought them home for her so she doesn’t have to worry about keeping track of them. She usually thanks us and asks again after 15 minutes or so, which we just repeat and the process goes the same over and over.
When my grandmother was old, she began frequently asking about her brother Bill, who had died back in 1918.
So one time she asked my brother, “Where’s Bill? Does anyone know if he’s okay?” And my brother, not wanting to upset her, answered, “Yes, I saw Bill just the other day. He’s doing fine.”
And my grandmother apparently had a moment of lucidity because she looked at my brother and said, “You couldn’t have seen Bill the other day. He’s been dead for over seventy years.”
If you were dealing with someone who had memory impairment, but would get better, then I would correct them. An Alzheimer’s patient? No. I would just have pleasant conversation about whatever they wanted to. If it wasn’t a pleasant conversation, I would redirect them as needed.
This is how I deal with my Dad, though I no longer try phoning, as he gets somewhat agitated when he doesn’t know who’s calling. And he doesn’t know me; he has completely forgotten that he has a son.
So, I go to see him in the nursing home. Not an easy task, as he lives 2000 miles away, but I manage to get there two or three times a year. He is always happy to have someone visit, and I eagerly listen to the stories he’s told a hundred times before–he does get the family history wrong at times, but it’s not worth correcting him as that only upsets him, and it seems to give him great pleasure to recount yet again about his family, and growing up in a small town. I laugh at the jokes he always tells and that I know all the punchlines to (but I pretend I don’t).
Sometimes, we sing. He cannot carry a tune in a bucket, and never could; but he was a churchgoer for years and years, and amazingly, can remember all the words to his favourite hymns. As for me, I did not inherit his musical non-talent, but rather, my mother’s (who could sing and play piano quite well); and so, I sang in the church choir for many years, and I can also remember the hymns. We sing the old hymns together, a capella, and he is always smiling and laughing as I leave.
That makes my trips worthwhile–to see him smile and laugh again. Even for a little bit, even though he has no idea who I am, I can make him happy and comfortable; and not agitated, confused, worried, upset, or angry.
DAMMIT! Broke my own rule the other day. Mother pointed to a new photo my brother had had framed and hung for her. The subject was my now passed father, and my niece. She pointed it out and said look at the nice picture of “brother’s name” and “his grand-daughter’s” name. I corrected her that it was her husband and A. She gave me a look of complete puzzlement that will stay with me a long long time.
Do not beat yourself up over it. The experts would assure me that when I did trip up or become frustrated with my Mother, I would feel guilty later. However, they explained that my Mom would forget about the whole conversation anyway. She would always forget as they told me she would, and then I would feel better if ever I felt guilty.
I have a DAMMIT! moment in maybe 4 out of 7 conversations. In an effort to make it sound like a normal conversation; not stilted or simplistic, the way I hear the staff often speak to my dad, I underestimate his limitations and confuse him. I’m getting better at not asking open ended questions, or trying to solicit memories, but it’s hard.
Spoons, I’m a continent away and dread the day that my phone calls are more problematic than helpful. I know it’s coming, though.
