My neighbor has Alzheimer's; I need advice.

In My Humble Opinion
1

I found out today that the lady who lives in the apartment below mine has Alzheimer’s.

Edna is a sweet old lady and over the course of the 1.5 years I’ve lived here, I’ve gotten to know her fairly well through hall-way chats and the occasional visit, which usually ends up with me trying to teach her how to work some new-fangled doodad like the thermostat or microwave. Every so often I’ll fetch her some groceries or a hamburger from McDonalds, and last Christmas, I gave her some geraniums to brighten up her holiday. I feel guilty that I don’t visit her more, though. As a widow Edna lives alone, but she does have a middle-aged daughter that lives not too far from here. I’ve never met her daughter, but apparently she drops by frequently to check on things.

Up until today, although I’ve always been concerned about Edna living by herself, it was only because I was worried about her being lonely. Then today, on my way out to dinner, the neighbor across the hall from Edna told me that earlier this week Edna took a tumble down the steps leading to the mailboxes and banged her head so badly that the carpet was stained with a big puddle of blood. She had to be taken to the emergency room to get her head stitched up. Fortunately, she didn’t break anything, but it seems like the fall has precipated some major changes.

The neighbor said she recently learned that Edna has Alzheimer’s. As she was informing me this, Edna came out of her apartment and saw me. She acted as if she hadn’t seen me in years, even though I’d visited her last week. She didn’t seem to remember that I lived above her and that I’d been living there for more than a year. She recognized me as a friend, but I don’t think she knew my name. My boyfriend was with me and she kept calling him my husband, not seeming to remember that we are not married. Listening to her ask me questions she should know the answer to, her illness was so obvious. She is nothing but skin and bones. I ran off to get her some stuff from McDonald’s (this is her favorite food), but I don’t think she’ll eat it.

She can not possibly continue to live by herself in this state. She is not eating very well and weighs only 80 pounds, if that. Falling down and busting her head is the least that could happen to her now. Technology, big and small, bewilders her. Tenitis has left her hard of hearing. She doesn’t know where her medicine is. I don’t even think she knows how to work her cordless phone anymore. She is rapidly losing her faculties and the ability to take care of herself.

I need advice, you guys. According to Edna’s neighbor, Edna’s daughter is aware of all of this and is in the process of talking to somebody so her mother can be put in assisted living. But for the meantime? I don’t know what she’s doing. It may be that Edna has refused to move in with her daughter. But that’s what she needs to do. She needs to be with someone who can make sure she takes her pills, eats 3 times a day, and doesn’t endanger herself.

What do you think I should do? I want to do more for her than just giving her food that she won’t eat. When I’m home, I could check on her, but when I’m at work or out somewhere else? She needs care that I am unable to give. Since I’m not kin, I feel as if there is only so much I can do. What would you do if you were me?

2

oh my. this is a tough one. there are agencies that you can turn to… those would be what ever your city or state has for people who are being abused or neglected. that could create more of a problem than what is there now. those i would use as a very, very, last result.

i would try a local alz. charity or org. first. explain the problem. perhaps they could work with the daughter. her daughter may be overwhelmed by the decisions that she needs to take, and not know where to turn. is there a way you could contact her or leave a message for her offering her your emotional support and help?

you are right in thinking that there needs to be more help for her NOW, not at a vague point in the future. she needs 24 hour supervision.

with alz. the nights are the worst times. supervision is crucial throughout the day, but most especially at night due to wandering and time confusion (they may start cooking).

3

Thanks for your input, rocking chair. I plan on getting the daughter’s number from Edna’s other neighbor, to call her to see if she needs any help. A part of me is struggling with the question of why doesn’t the daughter just come over here and either take her mom over to her place or stay her ass over here (she also lives alone), but I’m trying my best to withhold judgement.

4

I have heard several times that an individual did not realize how bad their parent’s confusion had become until it was repeatedly brought to their attention by neighbors. So DO contact the daughter. Often.

I don’t have any good advice for the meantime. I just want to say you’re a great person for taking so much care of a neighbor.

5

i agree with carlotta, the daughter may be in denial of or not see how bad her mother is. (just look at the news this week, perspectives can be widely different.)

on the surface it would be easy to say why doesn’t daughter do something. i understand that “what is she thinking?!” is an instant response. that wee voice giving her the benefit of the doubt is worth listening to. none of us know what she may be dealing with in her own house already.

i’m glad you are going to try to contact daughter, and are a very considerant neighbour. keep us updated on what is happening.

6

My grandmother has recently gone beyond the stage you’re describing.

While it’s certainly possible that the daughter isn’t fully understanding the situation, it’s also possible that she is, and that you ‘bringing it to her attention’ would seem meddlesome. Often it’s necessary to keep people in their own homes for as long as possible - the decline into constant confusion can be precipitated by the change in environment. And it certainly sounds like the daughter knows the current situation can’t last for long. And while you’re right to say “She needs to be with someone who can make sure she takes her pills, eats 3 times a day, and doesn’t endanger herself” - that someone quite possibly isn’t the daughter. Not everybody is in a position to be able to devote their entire life to caring for a relative. The daughter quite possible has a job, a family and everything else to deal with, too.

7

I went down there around noon today and Edna was in a small panic because the heater wasn’t working. The other neighbor, an elderly woman who has been watching over her a lot since she took that fall, was down there too. While I was over there trying to fiddle with the heater, Edna’s daughter called.

I told her that I didn’t feel Edna should be by herself anymore. She explained that Edna’s doctor refuses to institutionalize her because he believes taking Edna out of her familiar could send her spiraling down into dementia. But she said she is trying to get power of attorney so she can be put her into assisted living. I asked her about what was going to happen to her in the meantime. She said she is trying to do her best but is not in the greatest of health herself. She says that dealing with her mother’s condition is causing her to experience panic attacks and is upsetting her diabetes.

Fortunately, while I was over there, Edna’s granddaughter came over. I didn’t stay long enough to find out if she was taking Edna back with her, but that’s what I’m praying for. I’m going to keep checking on her, though. It seems like that’s the only I can do.

8

i’m glad you spoke to her daughter.

contacting an alz. org. may really help the daughter out. they would be able to help her get aides for her mom, lead her through filling out and filing forms, etc.

i hope the granddaughter will be able to stay with her in her own env. it is very overwhelming for anyone to try and do this on her own, i hope there may be other family members available.

9

My first instinct was that your post rankled of interference. However, after some thought, I realised that obviously the doctor and daughter don’t have a grip on the situation. This happens more often than people realise - relatives don’t see it because of a) denial and b) the dementia often presents as an exacerbation of existing character traits and as such may not be completely out of character for the person. Doctors often miss it because they see the patient for short periods of time. I work in a nursing home and we recently had a lady with Alzheimer’s admitted who is very aggressive, physically and verbally and very, very demented - needless to say her doctor was completely unaware of the extent of her illness. It’s a trait of the diseas that in the early stages at least, the person is aware of their condition enough to make efforts to hide it, often convincingly.

Two things bothered me about the reasons given for her not being placed in a nursing home:

  1. you don’t have to be certifiable to gain entry to a home

  2. the daughter doesn’t need power of attorney for her to gain entry to a home

So it worries me that the daughter is being a bit flaky on the issue. Unfortunately for the daughter, you will need to keep at her to find some temporary care. The doctor is completely correct in the assertion that a change of environment will worsen her dementia - again, unfortunately, there comes a time (like now) when it is no longer a viable option for a person to remain without twenty-four hour supervision. A phone call to the doctor - even if it’s a message left with his/her receptionist - often works wonders. You’ll need to provide them with some sort of quantifiable evidence so prior to calling, make a list of events in which she has been a danger to herself or others and present them with that. Confidentiality will forbid the doctor from discussing specifics with you but at least you will have brought her worsening (emphasise worsening) condition to his/her attention.

If you can’t get any action after this, I would have to agree that reporting to the appropriate authorities may be in order especially given that the daughter is stalling on the issue - after all, it’s your apartment she’s going to burn down :slight_smile:

10

I’m glad to hear that there are people among us like you with the face.

If everyone were afraid to meddle a little, it would be a sad world indeed.

You rock.

11

No need for the smiley.
Before we managed to find a residential home for my SO’s father he was living alone with various carers and family visiting daily.
Several times we found seriously burnt food disposed of, pans so burnt they had to be chucked out and, one time, apparently, he set off a smoke alarm by ignoring burning toast in the kitchen and sat in the next room knowing some sort of alarm was going off but not connecting it with anything. Neighbours heard the alarm and phoned the Fire Brigade and he let them in (he knew to respond to the doorbell noise!) but had no idea why they were tromping through the house…

Anyway, hope your neighbour’s daughter manages to find help quickly; the illness is progressive and, AFAIK, any medicines available (in the UK, at least) only slow down the process.

12

I imagine this could be different state to state, but I know I could not force my mother to live in a nursing facilitly if she didn’t want to. It would take all sorts of involvement of doctors, social services, etc. And I would need to have a power of attorney to sell her home or access money to pay for the nursing home, if it was not covered by medicare or insurance.

I was amazed how hard it was for me to get my mother to stop driving. Even after she had been in several accidents, and it was quite obvious when talking to her she was not able to maintain a steady train of thought, I couldn’t find anyone to help me. Her doctor said it wasn’t up to him. The police said it wasn’t their responsibilty. The DMV said they needed something from the police or her doctor before they would do anything. I could have easily given up, but the thought of her harming someone else kept me at it.

So it could be that the daughter is not really that flakey, just caught up in red tape.

What might help is for you to make a list of all the danger signs you note when talking to Edna. If she mentions getting lost somewhere and forgetting how to get home, if she mentions cooking something and forgetting about it. Getting dizzy and falling down, etc. The daughter and the doctor may not be aware that things are getting worse so quickly. That information could help to speed up the process. I know it helped me quite a bit when having to go through this with my mother. When I was with my mother, she didn’t seem that different. But the neighbors were able to tell me that they had found her wandering around the neighborhood, not sure which house was hers. I didn’t see them as meddlesome, I saw them people who were concerned and I appreciated their help.

Before I had to go through this personally, I would have thought the solution was easy. My mother living with me, or my living with her was not an option. So until she decided she would move to a facility, there wasn’t much I could do. The process to have someone declared legally unable to make decisions for themselves is lengthly.

I think it is wonderful you are willing to help. I would talk to the daughter again and tell her of your specific concerns. Let the daughter know you would like to help her, and find out if there is anything you can do, information you can provide, that could help speed up the process of getting Edna into a safer situation.

13

I think you are handling things very well so far you with the face A fine line between meddling and doing what simply must be done. You are walking that line well.

IANAD

I’ll repeat what others have said about noticing the condition of folks with Alz or other dementia. Sometimes, you just have to be there every day to really notice how, um,er,ah odd or non-functional a person can get. They can seem right as rain for relatively long conversations…then BAM! , something totally weird pops up. Oh, and the ability for DENIAL by their kids. We are dealing with sibling denial issues now. My mother-in-law lives with us. We see to it that someone from the family is there almost constantly. Some of her kids just don’t see it. Can’t understand why we don’t just take off and go out to more movies and dinners out and such. It’s because we can’t leave your mother alone for more than a few minutes at a time darn it (ooops, sorry, rant was forming).

There is definitely the reassurance issues of leaving them in surroundings that are mostly familiar. Sometimes they don’t recognize even the familiar, and that panics them greatly. Usually happens at night, in our case.

Perhaps suggesting to the daughter or grand-daughter that until they can get it worked out to have her moved into an assisted-living or similar situation that they come live -with- her. I think it could be easier for xx amount of time if Edna moved in with one of them, but at some point Edna will then become disoriented and will be tough to deal with.

Good Luck.