My wife and I have been taking care of my Aunt for the last few years and she has been getting worse lately. She is leaving the house a few times a day and being brought back by neighbours and police. We are trying to watch her but we can’t sit beside her 24/7 because we have young kids other things to do during the day. We don’t leave her alone but it is very hard to be beside her 24 hours a day.She is somewhere around stage 5 to 6, but more stage 6. I have no other family to help out and it is becoming quite trying to keep up with her. I’m thinking it’s time to call protective services and tell them I can’t do it any more, and they will put her in a nursing home.
I have a huge amount of stress in my life,along with new found anxiety and panic issues, and this is not helping at all. The problem for me is that she is my last close relative and I don’t want to let her down. It is also hard on the kids because we can’t even go for a drive or out for a fun day.
You’re not letting someone down by realising that you’re not able to provide the level of care they require. How about having a word with her doctor as a first step?
Is there a reason you need to call protective services to find her a nursing home? Do they even do that? (I honestly don’t know.)
Placing her in a good nursing home does not make you a bad person. Finding a good nursing home is a challenge, but it can be done with diligent research and a little legwork. You can place her in a home, where she’ll be safer, and then you and your family visit often. Visiting often is important not just so she doesn’t feel abandoned, but also because studies show that residents who have frequent visitors receive better care and suffer less neglect/abuse by staff.
One alternative is senior day care. It’s just like day care for kids, but it’s designed for seniors, with activities, movies, visits by schoolkids (my show choir in high school did a lot of nursing home/day care visits, and they always loved us.) Some of them arrange day trips to museums or parks, too. If you need a break and Auntie needs supervision, a senior day care can be a great compromise between sitting on her in your house all day and placing her in a nursing home.
Whatever you decide, as long as the decision is made with love, with concern for her well being, and you continue to see her, I for one won’t judge you a bit.
First things first: Call her doctor. If you think she’s at stage 5/6, the doctor must be informed because the doctor is the one who must make the placement call.
Second: Does your town have a Council on Aging? Does your county have an Elder Service? They’re the people you contact for services – or they can point you in the direction of services – adult day care, home health aides, etc. Whether she’s eligible for such depends on a number of factors. Is she on Medicaid? That alone would open the options available, depending on your state’s regulations.
My husband and I took care of my mother for almost 5 years. We had to place her in a NH the last year of her life because my mother could no longer safely navigate her home. We later found out we could have kept her at home via hospice, but we didn’t realize it at the time.
The protective services call would need to be made because we only have two nursing homes here and the wait to get in is about two years. We do not have any senior daycare programs here either. Protective services are the only ones who can make an emergency placement as far as I know,which would be a ward in the local hospital until a bed in a nursing home became available.
ETA: I am in Canada
I could but it goes deeper than her just leaving. Not being able to go anywhere with the kids,they are 11 and nine and it wont belong before they wont want to go with us. Before her we took care of my mother and father for three years,so for years they have been getting…“keep the noise down,aunt, nana, grandad is sleeping”, “no wecan’t go because we can’t leave them here alone” and the other things that come with these situations. It’s just not fair to them and my wife. Then there is the part of not sleeping at night for fear of her burning the house down or falling or anything else that might happen. I am just at my wits end and feel I can’t do it any more. As I said before,I have a huge amount of stress in my life as it is,and unfortunately I have no control over those things. This is a situation that I can control and remove a huge stress from our lives, but I am not sure if I am just being weak and selfish or if this would be the way others would handle it.
Where in Canada? If you are in Ontario, you should be able to find some resources through the Community Care Access Centre (CCAC). I believe it can arrange for caregivers to come on a regular schedule, to put you in touch with seniors’ day care, and to provide or at least give you contact information for other resources that are available. Some (if not most) of their services are covered by the provincial health plan, which makes things easier. And, if you are not in Ontario, there is probably something similar to the CCAC in your province–have a thorough look at its website; it may have contacts for other provinces.
Also, look into the Alzheimer’s Society of Canada. Its web site looks fairly comprehensive with general information on the condition, as well as local contacts and resources, including support groups for those who are living with/caring for a relative who has Alzheimer’s and related dementias.
And I recall that we had the “Ask the Nurse who works with Alzheimer’s and Related Dementias” thread about a year ago. It may be helpful to you. Note that, as I recall, the OP in that thread is also Canadian; and you may wish to PM her about other Canadian-specific resources and supports that she may be aware of.
This. You know how on airplanes you’re instructed to put the oxygen mask on yourself before anyone else? You can’t help if you’re under too much stress, and it’s never, ever easy or unstressful to care for ailing relatives. Get yourself help as well as your aunt; you know that if she were able to, she’d tell you to take care of yourself as well. You’re doing a very good thing by being there, but you can’t feel guilt for not being super-human; NOBODY is. Good luck and best wishes, I hope you find some help soon.
Seriously, my grandmother is in a Alzheimer’s home. That’s where I got the idea of the door buzzer. It’s time for Auntie to join a home as well. Talk to her doctor, do what it takes to get the ball rolling.
You *must *do this. I know you’re going to feel bad about it, but you will feel even more guilty that you didn’t do it sooner when you see her in her new home with 24x7 care from professionals who work thier shift and go home for a good night’s sleep.
Yes, the transition will be hard on you and on her. but you must do what’s right for Auntie. One person cannot take care of a person with Alzheimer’s.
Auntie is not getting the care she needs anymore, because her needs have now gone past what your family can reasonably provide, and there’s nobody else.
I really think it’s time to make the call OP. You have to know that if your aunt were in control of all her faculties, she wouldn’t want your children missing out on their childhood or you and your wife missing out on your own lives to care for her.
Getting help with her is the best thing for her, as well as the best think for your family. Make the call.
I agree with this and the others who have suggested similar actions. My dad had ALZ. His physical breakdown (it’s not just mental) took the decision out of our hands after a while, but suffice to say that my mom and I were reaching a point where we could not deal with him at home anymore. It does NOT make someone weak or selfish to admit that help is needed. An exhausted, isolated caregiver with no life has very little to offer to the person who needs help.
Thanks for all the input, I really appreciate it. I think that in my heart I know what has to be done, but I need to hear it from someone else. I never thought I would turn into such a softie at this point in my life. Losing my Dad 2 years ago and my Mom in March has left me with just her and it’s hard to let go. I am afraid that placement will be a death sentence for her because she really wants to be free. The other day when she left a neighbour followed her down the road and when I finally caught up with them the neighbour, a young twenty something, was huffing and puffing trying to keep up with an 80 year old, 90 pound women with congestive heart failure. It was kinda funny at the time, but when I think of it now it makes me realise how much heart she has.
Because of all the other shit I have going on right now I have been questioning my decision making lately, and don’t want to do the wrong thing, but I think that in the morning I will make some calls and see if I can get her placed. Thanks for the help folks.
My mother-in-law has Alzheimer’s, but when she was only in the mild stage of it, she was admitted to the hospital for heart trouble. She was suffering from “hospital psychosis” when she decided that she was actually in a hotel, and wanted to check out - it took 4 people to subdue a nearly 80-year-old woman.
I don’t know that it’s a “real” desire for freedom when they don’t know where they really are. I do know that being somewhere that she can be closely supervised will be better than something like getting hit by a car or getting lost and suffering from dehydration/exposure during an escape attempt.
Please don’t feel guilty. You’ve done all you humanly can, and it’s not enough.