Growing up, my mother was best friends with our next door neighbor. She is currently 82 YO and has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s Disease. She also has had TIA mini-strokes.
She has been suffering for the last 3 years with forgetfulness but the last year has been the worst. She is often overtaking medications and was hospitalized last night due to suspected overdosing of an anti-depressant.
My grandmother passed away a year ago from a brain tumor and had similar symptoms of Alzheimer’s. My mother (her main caretaker) would often hear the same questions dozens of times a day and instead of fighting with her about her responses, would agree with her to avoid upsetting her.
Today at the hospital, my neighbor asked me if I had seen her son, whom has lived out of state for 7 years. She was referring to her grandson that was in the room because she thought he was her son. I laughed and said “Yes, he’s doing fine.”
Her daughter spoke up and explained he had moved out of state and the man in the room was her grandson. All the while, shooting me a dirty look for my response. My neighbor looked so confused that she shut down and wouldn’t talk for a long while.
Was I in the wrong? How should I handle future questions? Should I go into an explanation so she knows the real story? Or go along with what she says like I did before? I don’t want to upset her family and don’t feel I can ask them what is appropriate.
Hubby works as a nursing assistant on the dementia unit at the state veterans home. He’s been there five years. He says he tells them whatever will keep them calm. Imagine the poor man who keeps asking about his wife who’s been dead for ten years. They tell him she’s at the beauty shop, visiting a neighbor, gone grocery shopping. Who wants to tell this man his wife is dead, over and over and over again, and put him through that over and over and over again? Not me. Often residents will think hubby is their son. If that pleases them, OK, he’s their son.
He says it’s like improv, coming up with new things to tell the residents. For many, when they are agitated, they become violent. Better to keep them happy with little white lies.
We also helped take care of a friend’s mother while the friend had to be out of the country for a family situation. Mom, who was quickly descending into dementia, would ask the most bizarre questions and imagine crazy scenarios about what was happening with her daughter overseas. We told her whatever would make her happy. Our friend eventually had to cut her trip short and come home. Mom went to a home, got worse, and died not long after. She was a sweet little thing.
My father had Alzheimer’s. He not only asked the same questions over and over, but he told the same stories, in the same words, over and over. It didn’t matter how anyone responded because he didn’t remember the response anyway. The “truth” may be relevant in the early stages, but after a certain point all you can do is go along with the person. If your neighbor can’t tell her son from her grandson, I’d just give her whatever response her daughter wants to hear, because she’s the only one who’ll remember, and it really doesn’t matter anyway.
Part of dealing with dementia is acceptance of the person’s diminished capabilities. There are different kinda of dementia, and I felt very fortunate that my father’s was multi infarct dementia- he lost short term memory, but retained longterm, and knew who my sister and I were until his last moments. He actually got a lot nicer as he previously had had a lot of Autism spectrum (Asperger’s) behaviors. At the end of his life, I ran Health care in WA, my sister was in charge of Texas aviation, and he had saved the US Navy in WW 2 with his radar research (which may have been at least partially true). It took a while to realize this man was demented, about six months. I was Cleopatra, queen of denial. My other middle names are Controlla and Enabla, so it fits:). There are support groups and they are invaluable. Find one.
But Alzheimer’s patients still have feelings, and the feelings linger after the memory fades. If you say something that hurts their feelings, they will forget what you said to them (or that you even said anything). But they will be left feeling sad/angry/confused/whatever. And that sucks.
That said, I guess I would do whatever the daughter wants. Her emotional afterrmath, her problem.
When my brother died we told Mom. After that, whenever she asked about my brother, we just told her, “He sends his love.” We decided there was no good in reminding her he had died and making her go through that all over again.
Mom wasn’t good at remembering who ate at the same table she did or what she had for lunch, but she was pretty good at remembering stuff from her childhood and mine. And as for her calling my by my brother’s name? Hell, sometimes she called me “Ken-Jeff” since I was a pre-schooler. I thought that happened to all non-first born children.
So, do you want to be right or have an enjoyable time with your mother?
Answer nicely and change the subject by asking them an easy question based on their remaining capabilities–“do you remember when we…” “How was your lunch” Distract, deflect.
This subject is close to my heart. I just lost my Mom. She had frontaltemporal dementia ( a variance of ALZ).
I did a lot of research, had many interactions with the ALZ Association (who are always, always there for you, free of charge).
Always go along with what they say. My Mom once thought she had a terrible disease and thought she was going to die. I took her to her doctor, and of course, the doctor told her and I she did not have a terrible disease.
I was told that when something comes up with them, do anything to reassure them they are o.k. Truth goes out the window. There is no reason whatsoever to try to teach them something they can never learn. Then wait a couple of days, and they are sure to forget about it.
I have a friend who has her mother-in-law living with her, due to ALZ. I cannot bear the way she treats her. She seems to always be annoyed with her, and repeat things over and over, like somehow she is going to understand. She is also always taking her out of her environment, having her stay with a cousin one weekend, then bringing her to a party the next week.
I feel so bad for this woman. I wish there was something I could do. I have a few times told this friend to contact ALZ Association, and to learn about ALZ. She just ignores me. We are not close enough for me to interfer with the situation.
Just be a good friend, that is all your friend would want now. Good Luck
My Dad had Alzheimer’s and suffered from mini-strokes as well.
He was living in a nursing home when my Mom died. He was at the funeral but forgot about it.
The next time I visited he asked how Mom was doing, not thinking I told him the truth and it upset him terribly.
From then on when he asked how she was doing I told him she’s at home and she’s fine. Which wasn’t a lie, Her urn was there.
I also passed this info on to my brothers so they would know not to upset him.
It’s a terrible disease for everyone involved, try to make the best of your visits. Good luck to you.
I’m sorry to hear of your mother, delsina363. Alzheimer’s Disease is hard on everyone involved.
I only wish to make our conversations better, without upsetting her family. We take great care in always talking about things she remembers, but it’s often difficult. She repeatedly asks for her mother that passed away 35 years ago. My mother uses excuses, such as; she’s running errands, visiting friends, or is busy working. This seems to appease her until she asks again. Her daughter tells her that her mother is dead. We all looked at one another, in shock she would break this woman’s heart again. She also has no idea what my name is and she has known me since I was born. It’s getting harder and harder to find memories that she remembers.
With my Mom it was getting harder and harder. The Dementia she had effected her speech really bad, and she would get quite frustrated. I always would try to change the subject real quick, or do anything as a distraction. It worked pretty well.
As far as her daughter, this is how my siblings treated my Mom. They would not listen to me, and would not even talk to the doctors, convinced they said, that I somehow “fabricated” all the symptoms, and lied to the doctors.
I pleaded with them for help, but they would not listen. She was insistent on living alone in her apartment. This past August I had a fit, and told them if anything happened it would be on them.
On September 23rd, my Mom was out alone, and fell. She never recovered, and I will never forgive them.
ALZ is the hardest thing I have ever encountered in my life. I used to think AIDS was the cruelest diagnosis in the world, until I had to deal with ALZ.
I visited my Grandpa in a lockdown ward in a nursing home. He had become violent in his dementia. I walked in the door and he point at me and asked, “Are you my sister?” I said “Yes I am!” He burst into tears of joy to be reunited with someone who had died years ago. I was so happy to give him that moment of joy. I would have said anything to make him happy.
Today the doctors told the family she has had 3 mini strokes. She is also in stage 4 of dementia. It’s very hard to hear.
She was also told she would not be coming home, that she would be placed in a nursing home. I think this finally makes her daughter see how severe things are.
My mother has been telling her for the last year that she shouldn’t be living alone anymore. She was forgetting to pay bills, eat, take medications, accidentally killed her cat by using too many doses of flea medicine, has called an HVAC company so many times that they threatened to call the police, et cetera. The list goes on and on.
It’s such a sad journey for all of us. Delsina363, I completely agree with you. It’s hard to watch everything we loved about her fade away. All of the memories that we spent a lifetime creating, gone in the blink of an eye. I’m sorry that you had unsupportive family, as far as their inability to see how severe your mother was becoming. I can also see why it is hard to forgive them. I have feelings of resentment at my neighbors daughter for being in denial for so long. I keep wondering about a million “what if’s”.
Thanks for sharing your story, Encinitas. I’m happy to hear that you handled a similar situation the same way. Bless your heart for being such a good granddaughter.
My mother had probably ALZ, as did two of her brothers. One thing that always stuck with me came from one of nurses as the soldier’s home: Their reality is not your reality. Dementia has a way of “reversing” a person’s perception of life because the long-term memory comes to the forefront, so the ALZ patient may think, for instance, s/he is in another place and time. As somebody said upthread, it’s very much an improv act on the family’s part to “play along” with that time and place.
My mother, for instance, went from remembering me to recognizing me but not being able to place me to wondering “who this nice woman is who visits me every day”. OTOH she remembered my husband right up to the end because he and one of my uncles share(d) the same name, and yes, for a time there my husband did pretend he was her brother. Another time my mother placed me as one of her high school friends, so I ran with it. The day she announced that “[my name] sent you [meaning me, who was sitting with her]” I could barely contain my laughter. But no, I didn’t correct her. That would have made her confusion even worse.
We are in the same boat as you were, kiz. Yesterday we went to visit my neighbor. We found her wandering the halls. She immediately knew that she knew me and ushered me into her room. But when she tried to introduce me to her grandson (whom she thought was her son), she just kept staring at me. She didn’t remember my name.
My grandmother suffered a brain tumor, as I said before, but never forgot any of us. She might rattle on 5 different names, but eventually came to mine and would smile and point at me. I can’t imagine how you must have felt, kiz. Thanks for sharing your experience. It helped me feel better about my decision to “play along”.
During my father’s final illness, although he didn’t have ALZ he was often confused. His friends rarely if ever visited, just my sister and me and our children. But he would tell us stories about how his friend had just left and had brought lobster for him to enjoy. One day when he was in an ICU, he told us that he had taken a trip to London on the Queen Mary. We always went along with everything as if it were absolutely true. Why deprived him of a pleasant but fictional “memory?”
The extremely disturbing thing was one time when he thought I was my mother (who had died several years earlier), and whispered things in my ear that a daughter does NOT want to hear from her father.
She was a sweet little thing.
as he previously had had a lot of Autism spectrum (Asperger’s) behaviors. At the end of his life, I ran Health care in WA, my sister was in charge of Texas aviation, and he had saved the US Navy in WW 2 with his radar research (which may have been at least partially true). It took a while to realize this man was demented, about six months. I was Cleopatra, queen of denial. My other middle names are Controlla and Enabla, so it fits:). There are support groups and they are invaluable. Find one.