A friend of mine got out of the US military not too long ago. 100% PTSD benefits based on what he’d done (and his upbringing). He’s married (soon to be divorced) with two kids. He wants to see his kids for Christmas and appears to be trying to get himself on the right track.
Right now, he’s staying in a VA hospital getting treated for PTSD, alcohol dependency, and some other things. He’s a fuckup - no question - but has always had potential. Great athlete (or else he wouldn’t have gotten the MOS that he had), and actually pretty intelligent in terms of people. He’s also in the middle of getting divorced (which I think is a good thing for both of them).
He’s been asking for money (for his wife/kids rent, to fix his car so he can sell it, etc). Part of me wants to call bullshit, but I want to help my “brother” out. But given his addiction problems, I worry that he’ll gamble it away (not terribly worried that he’ll start drinking again; at least, not now).
I sent a few hundred to him today.
I’ve already sent him some money… but does that make me an enabler, or just someone who’s helping a bro get back on his feet?
I think it depends on what he does with the money. If he squanders it, and you give him some more, then you’re an enabler. AFAIC right now you’re just giving a guy a chance.
You didn’t specify whether this was a gift or a loan but it sounds like a gift. Just a general rule of thumb I go by: never lend anyone money unless you’re 100% okay with never getting paid back.
I agree. Everyone deserves a chance. How many chances is up to you, but it’s okay to err on the side of giving too much, as long as you keep a sharp lookout so you know you aren’t hurting more than helping.
But you mention calling bullshit. Is there some type of evidence of trickery you have other than what sounds like a gambling addiction? PTSD is real, and so is trying to self medicate with alcohol.
If you don’t want him to spend it on gambling, I hope you’ve made that clear. Heck, you could pull off saying that, if he gambles with it, you won’t give him any more.
If you gave the money to him, then yes, you are an enabler.
Send it to his wife or direct to her landlord, if you want to help and want to make sure it goes to help the family rather than for booze.
And either way, don’t count on getting this ‘loan’ repaid. Don’t even think of it as a loan, but a gift. So if it ever does get repaid, you will be happily surprised.
You may be doing the right thing, but not for the reason you think.
He needs money today. But since he’s a “fuckup”, he’s going to need money tomorrow, too.
And that may be the way you can help your friend: The next time he needs money, he’ll ask you again, and expect to receive. But then you should refuse. And maybe, just maybe, he’ll realize he’s going to have to stop being a fuckup.
The “loan” money you gave him now is gone. But your influence over him may still remain. He may need your friendship , and you may be able to force him to realize that.
Good Luck with rehabilitating him.And try to do some good for those innocent children.
Well, obviously money the person earned or is owed to him belongs to him. I’m talking about when they ask for handouts or “loans” (always with reasonable explanations about what they’re going to spend it on and earnestly expressed intentions to straighten up and fly right). An addict who is active in his addiction is always going to feed that addiction first.
Agreed.
I wouldn’t say you’re an ass because I am sure you were just trying to be nice, but the reality is that your money is most likely going to go towards his addiction. Most addicts go through phases of relapses and recovery before they finally get it to stick.
In the future, I would definitely agree with giving money to the wife/landlord/whatever rather than directly to him.
You are not an ass. You are trying to do the right thing. You are trying to help a friend. I am sure you know what the risks are. You may not get the money back. But if you help him and get the money back, then you will have done a very good thing. You have given a friend a way out. How wrong can that be?
You may not be an ass, unless you put dumb in front of it.
A. He has 100% disability-where’s his money going?
B. His great potential will always be that, until he starts to go hungry. There’s no need for him to grow, if he can be a loaf, and still get stuff. What ARE you going to do when he asks again? You are an enabler, and all of the high praise in the world will not change that fact.
C. I hope you don’t think that the crack about the dumb, and ass was directly meant as an insult to you, personally. You just did something extremely foolish.
D. BTW, it’s easy as pie for hospital patients to get booze, unless he’s actually in a sort of lockup.
It’s better than if he were refusing to admit he has a problem, but the vast majority of addicts need to go through the rehab process several times before finally quitting for good. I’ve worked on a VA rehab unit, and we had A LOT of “regulars” who would come in for detox every few weeks or months, may very well have sincerely intended to stop, but kept falling back into their old habits. This guy’s recovery is just at its very infancy.
To pull out another old armchair psychology chestnut, you teach people how to treat you. The first couple of hundred can be seen as helping a guy get back on his feet; two things, though - 1, decide right here and now where your boundaries are with this guy. He may appreciate the help and get himself on his feet from now on, or he may see you as his new bank.
As olives said, never lend money to friends that you can’t afford to lose. Check out some Judge Judy some day to see how lending money usually goes between friends and family.
I believe my exact words were, “don’t fuck this up dude; I can’t afford you being an asshole any more than you can. No fucking gambling. No drinking. No drugs. No bullshit.”
This response, is useful - as are all of the other ones, and I’m grateful for them. My buddy has been in various treatment cycles over the past few years. Each time, of course, he feels that he’s finally taking the right course and then relapses. He’s generally laid back, but has latent (what I’ll call) adrenaline fixation.
HH, I’m glad to be a dumbass, if it helps the dude out. I agree with what everyone’s saying, and am hoping for the best. Money ain’t shit; I’d be happy to die poor if I knew that it made a positive impact.
Thanks, everyone, for providing a sanity check. And feel free to expand on the thread if you’ve got anything related.