Am I an asshole?

The BBQ Pit
61

Yeah, under circumstances like that, I’d be inclined to cut her some slack—except that the OP indicated that this isn’t an isolated incident, but rather a common pattern. The SO didn’t show much caring or concern for bubba jr’s feelings or well-being, which is perhaps excusable in a scary emergency but not as a regular way of relating.

If I were playing armchair psychologist, my analysis would be similar to Becky2844’s: she’s insecure, and she’s testing the OP to see if he’ll still be there for her even if she gives him a lot of crap.

IMHO, whether this relationship is worth staying in will depend on (1) how much patience and tolerance the OP has for this kind of thing (he seems to be reaching the end of it), (2) whether the insecurity and associated crap seems to be dwindling over time, and (3) whether the OP’s SO is there for him when he needs it, or whether she’s all needy, no giving.

62

So, my read of the OP is this:

She gets taken to the ER. Doesn’t think it’s a big deal. Lets the OP know that she’s in the ER, but isn’t thinking it’s a big deal.

At the ER, they think it’s a bigger deal than she did. She tries to call the OP. No answer. She’s being taken for testing. The deal is getting bigger. She’s starting to get worried and can’t reach the OP.

OP asks if she needs him to come home. This baffles me, as it did others in the thread.

By this time, she has learned she had a heart attack. She lashes out at what she (and people in the thread) see as a weird response by the OP. He starts arguing that she said it was no big deal. But, to me, it’s pretty obvious that what she thought was no big deal in the first text was turning into a bigger deal in the second.

Obviously, there is some missed detail since “blood pressure” was not in the earlier quoted texts and just sort of shows up.

The thing about going to the ER, being SENT to the ER, is that things can escalate quickly. If someone is there for testing, never assume the tests are going to come back negative. And never assume that things that look benign, or benign-ish, will stay that way.

So, in my read no one is an asshole, though no one comes through looking stellar. I can very clearly picture what was happening with her in the ER, so I completely get her side. I can’t really get the idea of asking if I should go home after learning someone is in the ER for testing. Testing is never a good sign. But the OP might just be clueless.

But don’t argue with people who have just had a heart attack about what they knew when. And if she was in the ER for blood pressure problems? Still bad enough to lead to concern and an offer to be there.

63

I don’t have much original to say. In my view, the OP may have been more than a bit tactless and unobservant, but communicating though text doesn’t allow for much nuance and without context as to what their day-to-day relationship is like, I won’t venture much further into this particular drama.

One thing though, just speaking for myself here: there is no chance whatever I would continue to maintain a relationship with someone in the routine habit of telling me to go fuck myself anytime they happen to be upset that I didn’t behave exactly the way they expected.

64

I’m convinced that these two lines:

Are fed-up style sarcastic. As in, she’s upset that he isn’t noticing that she’s in the ER and it’s because he’s putting work before her (as usual, maybe). As in, “Oh, he’s more worried about work. AGAIN. Gotta get WORK done. No time for ME.”

Anyway, go get counseling.

65

Ok am I the ONLY one who thinks the OP meant “Do you want me to come (to you at the ER)” and that writing HOME was just an accident? All the references to that line have been hilarious but for OPs sake I hope he’s not THAT clueless.

As a whole, I say get out of the relationship, there is clearly too much hatred built up between you now and because of your actions during this most recent crisis your SO just earned a bunch of new material to bring up during your next and subsequent fights.

Protip: be more observant in the future.

66

“Pretty sure”? I’m positive that’s what they mean. There is absolutely no doubt that she’s being sarcastic as hell.

67

Maybe go visit her at the hospital and bring her a carton of cigs and a tub of Crisco, each with a stuck-on bow.

68

I assumed he meant “Do you want me to come home” to mean “Do you want me to come back”, back from where ever he was going, assuming the hospital is in their hometown.

69

I don’t think it was an accident. The OP already said he works over an hour away from where he lives. To me it seemed like he meant “do you want me to come to our home town?”.
EDIT: Or what IvoryTowerDenizen said ^

70

Her: “Just a heart attack, sure it will be fine, no worries.”

Upon this, you should’ve responded: “Ok. good. See you later.”

and left it at that. That’ll teach her that you don’t respond to mind-games.

71

I still doubt she had a heart attack. Youjust don’t get sent home. At minimum, you stay for observation. But usually you are going in for an angiogram, etc. what you don’t do is go home.

As far as the “come home” remark, I read it as they live in town A he was driving to town B. “Do you want me to come home?” means, do you want me to come home (town A) and join you there? Not should I go where I check my mail.

72

And when his wife kept texting after that response, he could have followed up with something like, “You should really take it easy. Too much stress can be bad for your – uh, nevermind.”

73

If this isn’t the first time that there’s been a miscommunication, then both parties need to be slapped over the head for relying on texting. Texting is for people who know how both to read between the lines and speak plainly.

I know that it wouldn’t be my first inclination to fly in a panic over someone capable of sending multiple texts.

74

It reminds me of this:

Women, not ALL women, but many women will not say what they mean.

If a man is in the ER and his S.O. asks “do you need me to come down there?” and we say “no” and then the S.O. shows up, we are surprised. Because we mean’t what we said.

If a woman is in the ER and and the S.O. asks “do you need me to come down there?” and she says “no” and then the S.O. does NOT show up, then the woman is hurt because the S.O. obviously doesn’t care.

THAT BEING SAID, when the words Emergency Room and Heart Attack are used together in the text, you are supposed to drop what you are doing, leave work early and show up. I am surprised you don’t know that.

75

Why the specificity? Anyone who plays the PA guessing game is pissworthy. It’s a generalized sex-neutral trait.

76

Hopefully bubba jr will be able to come back and help clarify some of our confusion. It seems to me she went from “yeah, don’t worry, it’s okay,” to “fuck you” so quickly that it seems there may be some information missing from jr’s story.

77

I can’t be the only one wondering if bubba jr. is now single. Regardless of who said what to whom, or who is or isn’t being an asshole, these two just don’t seem right for each other on a number of levels.

Oh, one last thing: if she called and couldn’t reach him, the appropriate next step is for her to leave a voicemail. That way he can hear the tone of her voice: is she breezily saying everything is fine with a lighthearted laugh, or is she wheezing and panting and sounds scared?

78

Again, no it didn’t. She wasn’t saying “it’s okay”. She was being very clearly sarcastic by saying “no big deal, just a little old heart attack. No need to stop whatever super important thing it is that you’re doing.”

79

I can see that as a possibility, but text is not a good forum for sarcasm.

80

You are a bit confusing. If she said she is in the ER why do you ask if you should go home? What reaction could there possibly except to get directly to the ER?