Was I a dick or is she overreacting? (long)

In My Humble Opinion
1

I need some insight into what my girlfriend has dubbed my dickish behavior this week. If enough of you determine it was my fault, then I’ll make sure that in the future, if similar things happen, I’ll act differently. And if you determine it’s most just things blown out of proportion, then…well, I’ll still probably have to act differently. :stuck_out_tongue:

So on Sunday she had to go to the hospital. I found this out about five minute before I had to go to work, so I worked for six h ours not knowing what was wrong at all (I called her on my break but she didn’t pick up or call back.) When I got home, I was able to get a hold of her (either on the phone or over IM, I can’t recall,) and she said it wasn’t too serious, but didn’t want to talk about it over the phone or IM, since so many people were calling and such. I figured ok, and we would see each other the next day or something (she was also worn out and going to bed, so I didn’t see her that night.) (I found out it was a kidney infection that was the result of a UTI she never got checked out.)

Well, on Monday she calls at about 12:15 asking for a ride back from her classes to her place. For me to do this would take ~25 minutes, all told, to get to her campus, to her place, then back to my place, traffic being what it is. I had a class that changed schedule to 1 PM so I said I needed to shower and get ready for that. At this point in time I still had no idea what she went to the hospital for. She didn’t press the issue, just said “oh, that’s ok” and hung up before I could even say sorry or ask how urgent it was she needed one.

Yesterday I called her about a date we had scheduled and said we might not be able to do it. This was before the weather got really bad. I said that my car shit the bed, and my roommate had to go to work and so I couldn’t borrow his car. I said I might be able to get a ride from our other roommate if she gets back from her job in time. She just said to keep her informed. Later that night she called me to say the weather was way too bad for anyone to drive, so we canceled.

Today she chatted with me on IM and mentioned that they dug her car out (her place gets plowed, so she didn’t have much to shovel,) and got breakfast stuff and everyone at her place was making a lot of breakfast food (at like 1 PM cause we had all classes canceled.) She said I should come over and eat with them. I said it might be twenty-thirty minutes, since i had to shovel out the car (my roommates, obviously.) After over twenty minutes, and not much progress, I cam back in and called her to say that I couldn’t make it. At this point in time I was very tired, very cold, and upset about both not being able to get the car out, and realizing that at some point I’d also have to dig my own car out, only to drive it to the garage to get fixed. As such, I wasn’t the most pleasant of persons on the phone. She asked what was wrong, and I told her, so she then was like “oh, well we ate all the food anyway.” I said “Oh, well that’s nice. Now I’m kind of glad I didn’t come over, because all that hard work would have been for almost nothing.”

So just now we got done having a conversation that I was a dick all week long. She said I should have given her a ride and gone to class a bit late or not-showered, that I made it seem like I didn’t want to go out Wednesday night, and that I was rude on the phone today (I admit the last is kind of true. I wasn’t rude to be rude, just rude as a by-product of being upset, cold, and tired.) It seems like she’s getting mad at me for things I have no control over. I didn’t know how badly she needed a ride because she didn’t tell me (though she says even though I didn’t know why she went to the hospital I should have given her a ride no matter what.) She says by giving “excuses” about my car I sounded like I didn’t want to go out last night, and that I was rude to her for no reason on the phone today (I maintain I had a very good reason. And they ate all the food anyway knowing I was planning on coming over to eat some (after being invited to come over and eat, no less))

Sorry for the length, but I just want to get an idea of whether or not I’m a dick and just don’t know it. I suspect this relationship might end anyway, because there are other problems (she’s got a lot of emotional baggage and such I just cannot deal with, and she isn’t a fan of my almost complete lack of emotion,) but if nothing else I can get pointers for the next time.

2

God have mercy she sounds like a lot of work. My view: You weren’t a dick and she’s an attention vampire.

3

Your a dick.

Just kidding :slight_smile:

Seriously, I think from the tone of the post, and from the storyline itself -you clearly do not want to do what ever it takes to be emotionally attached to this woman. Saying it will probably end anyway is not a way to make readers think you would be devastated or anything if it did, so I can only deduce you do not want it to comtinue and therefore were justified for your mildly curt attitude.

4

I don’t think you were a dick, but she obviously wanted a bit more attention from you than she was getting, and she expected you to know that. Plus it was Valentine’s Day yesterday, and even if she says she doesn’t care, most girls her age (I’m assuming you’re both collegeage) do want a bit of extra attention that day. Add to that the probability that she wanted some extra pampering from you because she had been ill and spent hours at the hospital, and it was a pretty depressing couple of days for her. So you weren’t a dick, just not tuned in to her needs.

5

How on earth does that happen?

As for whether you’re a dick…

I don’t know. It sounds like she’s much more into you than you are into her. If someone I was crazy about had to go to the hospital, you wouldn’t be able to keep me away. If she feels that way about you, she’s undoubtedly hurt you don’t feel that way about her. Add to it the fact that she’s not feeling well, and she’s probably lashing out at you.

I don’t know whether you should continue the relationship or not. I, personally, don’t like to be in vastly unequal relationships because either I get hurt or I end up constantly disappointing the other person. But YMMV.

6

Yes. (I love answering multiple choice questions with Yes. It’s true, but completely unhelpful).

Other answer: Both. I think your behavior was not above reproach, but she is overreacting.

I think you should have made more effort to see her on Monday, even if that would have meant you didn’t have a chance to shower or would have been late to class. This might have meant more effort on your part to arrange a visit with her, before the call at 12:15, so that you could both see her and get to class in a nice, showered state.

Not doing so doesn’t make you a horrible person, but making that effort might have gone a long way to show that you cared about her–especially since she’d gone to the hospital and didn’t want to talk about why over the phone.

When did your car break down? I can’t tell. It doesn’t really matter, though, I think you mostly just ended up in a situation where she was miffed because you didn’t make enough effort to spend time with her, and I’m not sure she really believed that your car had broken down.

I think you could exert a little more effort in the future to make specific plans, but I don’t know that you were a horrbile person for not doing so.

7

Cancelling a Valentine’s Day date because of car trouble does seem rude. Surely you could have found some way to see her?

And maybe she feels you’re partly responsible for the kidney infection.

8

You made it snow so much, asshole.

9

It was Valentine’s Day, and she was in the hospital, and I presume she wanted to see you in general. By not giving her a ride, by cancelling the date, and not showing up for breakfast, you became a dick on the third worst day of the year to be a dick to your girlfriend. At least, to her.

I can’t agree with you being a dick, though, because for you to not be a dick, you would have had to gone to class late and stinky, unearth your car from a mountain of snow and drive in bad weather, and possess mind-reading powers. You would have had to be willing to show up for a meal knowing there wouldn’t be food for you, but you’d go anyway because it was the good-boyfriend thing to do. By expecting you to do these things, she’s not showing much respect for you or your time.

If this is atypical behavior from her, I think she just wanted your attention but came off poorly in trying to get it.

10

Well, if I called my BF for a ride the day after I got out of the hospital, I also would expect him to make that happen – even if he missed a shower to do it.

If I were she, I think I would be feeling like I had just had something sort of bad happen – any week where you have to go to the hospital is a bad week – and I would appreciate some extra time and attention from my BF, and instead I’m getting no time and IMO a bad attitude. So were you a dick? Eh. I think it’s more a miscommunication. But when you are sick or have just been sick, that’s when you really want some concern and attention from those who care about you, and not getting it can kind of hurt your feelings.

So she may well be over-reacting, but that may be because she doesn’t feel you were really there for her when she wanted or needed you to be.

A total guess, obviously.

11

Sounds like a good guess to me.

12

It sounds to me like you both had a frustrating couple of days, some of it weather-related, some related to schedules – minor stuff.

I don’t think you’re a dick and I don’t think she’s over-reacting.

Take the high road (weather permitting). Next time you see her, take her a little gift and tell her you’re sorry the week was such a disaster for both of you. Assuming you want to continue the relationship and aren’t looking for a reason to break up.

13

Here’s where you went wrong: she went in the hospital Sunday night. Monday at 12:15, you haven’t talked to her about her illness, or visited her, or called her that morning, or made arrangements to see her. That is just not the behavior of a good BF who gives a damn. If my BF called on Sunday and said he was in the hospital, my first question would be, “Where are you?” Then I’d be there. And I’d be there Monday morning, too, if I was allowed to be.

Your blase atttitude towards her illness the only thing that comes off to me as dickish, but that’s pretty big. I’d be hurt by that too, and I’d think it meant you weren’t that into me, if I were her. The rest of it was probably just adding insult to injury, and even if it was just circumstance and unavoidable, confirmed her opinion that you don’t really give a damn…

Which is true, right? You aren’t all that into her, and are sort of looking for a way out. I think you should just walk away, rather than be half-assed about it. You guys are young, it’s OK for things not to work out. Hanging on when your feelings of indifference are showing and making her feel bad isn’t good for either of you.

Just my opinion, of course. Best of luck to you.

14

Kidney infections can make you feel crabby, irritable and tired for a few days to 2 weeks AFTER proper treatment has been initiated. Maybe she didn’t make the connection, maybe she did, but didn’t communicate it, maybe she tried but you didn’t hear it.

15

Much ado about nothing. You may want to get rid of this one if you value your mental health.

16

Is she usually super high maintenance? Because I think she’s got a point in being mad at you in this instance. I don’t think it’s unreasonable, while ill, to expect a squidge more attention from your boyfriend than she got from you. And I am probably the lowest-maintenance woman in the world.

I’m not saying you should have missed work to go to the ER with her; and you behaved appropriately that first day, trying to check with her on your break, and then making a point to speak to her after you got off work. So, you’re OK for Day One.

Day Two is where you broke down, IMO. You should have skipped your shower, or done whatever else was necessary to do a reasonable favor for her on the day after she spent the whole day in the ER taking care of a medical problem. And without bitching about it, either.

Day Three didn’t sound too bad to me – car problems and bad weather are reasonable excuses to break a date, even on Valentine’s Day, as far as I’m concerned. However, your letting her down on Day Two has probably poisoned her feelings about your actions on Days One & Three.

As I said before, I’m extremely low maintenance, but I’d be pissed at my husband if a situation like your Day Two had ever played out between us.

17

You’re kind of a dick.

In the space and time between her landing in the hospital and the breakfast incident, you didn’t ask her about her illness? WTF? Really?

My SO was admitted into the hospital last year, and like you, I found out late, but I called to see what the problem was anyway and if there was anything she wanted me to do. Of course, it goes without saying that I got my ass to the hospital as soon as I could (skipped the shower and meal, stayed in 2 hours of traffic, etc). I even spent the night in that ratty extra bed and went to work the next day straight from the hospital.

But that’s because I cared about her.

You didn’t and don’t care – and you pretty much said it yourself:

As for her remark about having eaten all the food anyway, if it was true, she’s an ass as well. But I suspect after a few days of neglect from you, that was her little passive-aggressive way of returning the neglect. Oh, college love, you were so fun and annoying.

Anyway, you asked so don’t pit me :wink:

18

If I was in the hospital and my SO wasn’t there, he would no longer be my SO. So yah, I think you were kind of a dick. Everything else, not so much, but when your partner is in the hospital, you get your ass over there to make sure they’re ok, period. Jeez-o, Pete.

19

^^If he had been told about her imminent hospital stay, I would probably agree. As the facts are presented, I agree with Eureka. Plenty of blame to go around.

20

Pretty much what I was thinking.

Sounds like you’re a young guy, and this is a good life lesson. When someone you love (or are supposed to love) - parent, sibling, girlfriend - is in the hospital, you drop everything and be with them. Period, end of story.