Was I a dick or is she overreacting? (long)

In My Humble Opinion
21

[QUOTE=Key Lime Guy]
Sounds like you’re a young guy, and this is a good life lesson. When someone you love (or are supposed to love) - parent, sibling, girlfriend - is in the hospital, you drop everything and be with them. Period, end of story.
[/QUOTE]

Easy to say, but I would have gotten fired, or at least had several of my days taken off the schedule. Seriously, they are strict about that kind of thing.

The scenario was that I was at my parents’ house Sunday morning and had to be at work at 4. Work is ~30 minutes from my parents place and my place is ~45 minute from my parents’ place, and work is ~10 minutes from my place. I forgot to bring my work clothes to my parents’ place so had to go back to my place before going to work (and was running late.) I missed a call from her at about 3:15, when I called when I was on my way back, she said that she just needed a ride, but was able to get one. She never said a ride to the hospital, just ‘a ride.’ By the time I got to my place i noticed she had an away message in AIM up saying something like “well, off to the hospital.” That;s when I found out, about five minutes before I had to be at work. I called her again right then and got no answer and left a message to call me and leave a message saying what was wrong (the same thing I did on my break,) and went to work. In general, I figure if one has the sense of mind to be able to politely call people and ask for rides, and also put up an away message, then it couldn’t have been that serious. And I didn’t mean to make it sound like I never found out what was wrong till recently, I did find out Monday night after I got out of class.

I’m not saying I want this to end, just that it might anyway. Even before this week she seemed a bit distant, and caught up in her ex-BF’s affairs (he’s got a new GF that works in the store in the mall across from hers, so she sees her (and sometimes him) while working.) I understand that can’t be easy, but she has been done with him for months, and for her sake, she got over it sooner than he did (she was the one that ended it,) so I don’t see why she needs to wallow in self-pity, because there’s no reason to, it’s not like he dumped her for another girl.

I’ve apologized to what I figure I needed to (yesterday being the main thing I felt was completely beyond my control and she shouldn’t have been upset with me over. Upset in general, yes, but not towards me.) We’ll see how it goes.

22

This sort of thing is partly why I see so many Western men in Thailand with Thai wives. They’d been involved with that sort of women one time too many. Nothing against you’re girlfriend, I’m sure she’s nice in so mnay ways, but based on what you have written, you are not a dick.

23

[QUOTE=bouv]
Easy to say, but I would have gotten fired, or at least had several of my days taken off the schedule. Seriously, they are strict about that kind of thing.
[/QUOTE]

Well, that’s fine, but I guess I don’t get why you didn’t turn up at her house right after work. Or first thing the next morning. Or the minute that you were able to be there without jeopardizing your lively hood.

I think that’s what she’s pissed about - everythign else is just incidental.

24

[QUOTE=Siam Sam]
This sort of thing is partly why I see so many Western men in Thailand with Thai wives. They’d been involved with that sort of women one time too many. Nothing against you’re girlfriend, I’m sure she’s nice in so mnay ways, but based on what you have written, you are not a dick.
[/QUOTE]

Of course, I have a Thai wife, but I didn’t come here looking for one – in fact, we met as graduate students in Hawaii and returned here together – I’d lived here before – so she does not fit the stereotype of the Thai bride that is rampant in the West. But I’ve had girlfriends like the OP’s, and you just don’t experience that sort of mind game very often over here. Of course, if anything, they’ll just slice off your penis while you’re asleep and feed it to the ducks, so maybe mind games aren’t always so bad.

25

I dunno, when I was going to nursing school, and working 35 hours a week at a homeless shelter where I had responsibility for 50-75 people anybody that said drop what your doing and come hold my hand cuz I’m your SO and I feel bad, period, would have been shit outa luck.

26

Many women use these tests of social attentiveness by their BF’s as a fairly accurate gauge of just how much the guy cares about them. Some women in this thread have expressed that, regardless of how it impacts their BF’s life and job, that they expect a relatively high level of attentiveness, even when minor medical procedures are involved. And indeed, if a guy was really into them, they would probably get this level of attention.

Honestly, it does sound like you are fond of her, but she is not the center of your universe. Despite protestations to the contrary, many women expect (and some demand) this to be the default state of a worthwhile relationship, and it sounds like your soon to be ex-GF is one of these.

Really there’s no right or wrong here. Women have every right to use these measures of attentiveness as a gauge of serious intent, and you have every right to determine where your level of interest lies.

27

[QUOTE=astro]
Many women use these tests of social attentiveness by their BF’s as a fairly accurate gauge of just how much the guy cares about them. Some women in this thread have expressed that, regardless of how it impacts their BF’s life and job, that they expect a relatively high level of attentiveness, even when minor medical procedures are involved. And indeed, if a guy was really into them, they would probably get this level of attention.

[/QUOTE]

I’m sorry, but I do not consider any medical procedure which requires an unplanned trip to the hospital on a Sunday to be “minor”.

I don’t think bouv should have skipped work, though it would have shown a level of interest and caring for the girlfriend that his actual actions did not.

28

I don’t advocate skipping work, or being late to a class, for anyone. But you could have swung by her place after work, just to check on her, since most hospitals make you turn your cell phone off and she was unreachable during that time. As an employer, I would frown on people calling off work to go sit with someone they are just dating at the hospital unless it were life-threatening. And depending on your level of involvement with this girl, she may have preferrred to have a family member or girlfriend there for the type of discussions a kidney problem might entail.

And at first I thought she was being a bit out of line, calling you at 12:15 for an immediate ride home from class, until I realized that your class didn’t normally start at 1, and she couldn’t have been aware of this when she asked for the ride. She thought you would have plenty of time, and when you told her there had been a class schedule change, she seemed fine with that.

So I stand by my first comment: not a dick, but not paying attention to those signals that a bit more attention is temporarily needed.

29

I am increasingly of the opinion that someone acts out what they genuinely feel, even if they don’t know it themselves.

Any excuses around the actions, well some may genuinely mitigate, but often they don’t really.

If you were totally head-over-heels with this girl and found out she had to be in hospital all of a sudden and you didn’t even know why, you’d have moved heaven and earth to see her, and damn the consequences. Lose a job? Get bad marks? Who cares? Your girl’s in trouble and you have to see her. I know I would.

That you didn’t, I think, and that when you finished work you went home instead of physically trying to find where she was - home or hospital - in a car or trudging through the snow on foot - indicates that you don’t care as much as you might think you do.

So, not a dick, but not behaving like a genuinely loving SO. And I don’t think she’s overreacting; I think she can tell.

30

I don’t think you acted like a jerk, and also I don’t think your girlfriend sounds particularly annoying or high-maintenance. It sounds like you both had a frustrating week, on top of a few miscommunications/misunderstandings with each other. She’s justifiably upset. Picking a fight with you wasn’t the best way to express that, but nobody’s perfect. Don’t analyze it to death; just try to be extra nice/attentive with her over the next few days.

31

I agree with AuntiePam that everyone involved just seems a little exhausted. Snow and bad weather makes functioning a little more difficult than usual. So you’re frustrated because of the snow, she’s frustrated because of being sick and the snow.

It’s also very hard to get “rejected” repeatedly like that - cancelling plans and such. You know, the first couple times you let it slide then the final time you’re like “wow wait, I feel really bad all of a sudden!”

Also I think you sort of messed up decoding “woman-speak” (more common in younger women)…she said she didn’t want to talk about her hospital stay over the phone and you took it at face value. She MEANT that she wanted you to come be with her. She said she needed a ride and you said you couldn’t and she said “oh, ok” but what she MEANT was “I am really disappointed.” She’s trying to be cool but at the same time she’s assuming you’re a bit more in tune than you really are.

I don’t think you’re a dick you just seem a little clueless. I don’t think she’s a bitch she just seems a bit drained. It’s very hard to deal with cars and parents and rides and work and snow and school and relationships all at the same time. If you guys aren’t thinking on the exact same track it’ll be more complicated.

32

[QUOTE=jjimm]
If you were totally head-over-heels with this girl and found out she had to be in hospital all of a sudden and you didn’t even know why, you’d have moved heaven and earth to see her, and damn the consequences. Lose a job? Get bad marks? Who cares? Your girl’s in trouble and you have to see her. I know I would.

That you didn’t, I think, and that when you finished work you went home instead of physically trying to find where she was - home or hospital - in a car or trudging through the snow on foot - indicates that you don’t care as much as you might think you do.

So, not a dick, but not behaving like a genuinely loving SO. And I don’t think she’s overreacting; I think she can tell.
[/QUOTE]

Word.

That’s a dangerous assumption to make, and I hope you never find out how tragically wrong you could be. But it’s pretty obvious you’re not in love with this girl.

33

Just to clarify, I don’t think anyone was telling you to miss work on Sunday. What about going to the hospital after work? They let you visit pretty late. Or what about Monday morning? You could have called her to see if she was getting out, OFFER to visit and/or pick her up, etc. Go the extra mile, you know.

If this is beyond what you were willing to do, then you’re not really that into her. I also don’t think that my feeling on this matter indicate that I’m high maintenance and require a lot of attention-- I would just hope that my BF would show concern and make an effort if I was sick enough to go into the hospital overnight. I’d certainly do it for him, and for several of my closest friends, too.

34

I may be out of touch with “today’s technological relationships” but it sounds like communication is not a priority. Turn off the IM away messages forwarding people to your cell phone, don’t text message, and actually talk on the phone or get together.

35

I don’t think you were a dick in any of the situations you presented to us. And your girlfriend probably doesn’t either. I’m guessing she’s really upset by what you did and said between those events, i.e. nothing. She’s getting the vibe that you aren’t that excited to see her and thus aren’t really that into her, and I’m guessing she’s 100% right.

There’s nothing wrong with not being into someone. That’s just life. But do the right thing and end it now, so you can both go find someone you are into.

36

If I were in love with someone, and she were in the hospital for unknown emergency reasons, she would be priority one. Everything else would start at about priority fifteen.

37

As for everyone eating your food on Wednesday, it sounds like she kinda expected that you would try to cancel, in which case, well, she was right. And she didn’t want to be the whiny girlfriend who has to beg you do trudge thru the snow on Valentines Day. So she just let someone else eat it, while it was still warm. Honestly, if you had made it over there that night, I have a feeling she would have found some dinner for you.

Did she actually use the word “dick”, or is that your interpretation? Swearing at someone isn’t very cool.

38

If I were you, and I had it all over to do again, this would be the moment I would do over. You missed a great opportunity to catch up with her and find out what was wrong…all because you had to take a shower. Maybe you were geniunely funky, but I’m thinking you were being a little self-centered by focusing on the shower. Not dickishly so, but cluelessly. Sacrificing twenty-five minutes for someone you love doesn’t sound like that big of a deal.

Also, you could have called her after she hung up. You seem a little too passive.

Your girlfriend doesn’t sound high maintenance to me. She sounds like someone who is interested in having a loving relationship with you. I don’t think you’re a dick or a bad person, but I don’t think your girlfriend can blamed for having a foul attitude with you. Kidney infections are horrible things. Yeah, she might have made it seem like it wasn’t a big deal, but just think how good she would have felt if you had made it one anyway. It’s better to go overboard than underboard when it comes to sympathy, I’ve learned.

39

two scenarios:

hubby-to-be got sinus surgery maybe a month or so before our wedding. i picked him up from the hospital (pre-arranged, of course), got him settled at his place, got his pain meds, spent the night (not in bed with him–he needed to sleep sitting up, what with all the packing in his head), made sure he was doing ok before i left.
i break my ankle on the way to work one morning. get taken by (non-emergency) ambulance to the hospital, where i’m set up for same-day surgery to put everything back together. (i have this tendency to break bones into pieces when they go.) during the day i manage to call hubby to let him know, ask him to let my office know what happened. his brother happened to be coming that evening for a one-night visit, so hubby has to do dinner himself (which he is capable of, but a bit out of practice). no asking do i need anything (pjs, contact lens care stuff). first time he actually comes to see me is to bring me home the next day.

granted, we don’t get to visit with his brother very often, since he lives in a different state. but even his brother thought he was a bit of a dick on that one.

so.

where do you fit on the sliding scale of Concern for Significant Other?

40

You and she have some serious communication problems.

Scenario:
You: What’s wrong?
She: Nothing.
You: Okay.
She: You’re a dick!!!
You: ???