Was I a dick or is she overreacting? (long)

In My Humble Opinion
41

[QUOTE=lachesis]
i break my ankle on the way to work one morning. get taken by (non-emergency) ambulance to the hospital, where i’m set up for same-day surgery to put everything back together. (i have this tendency to break bones into pieces when they go.) during the day i manage to call hubby to let him know, ask him to let my office know what happened. his brother happened to be coming that evening for a one-night visit, so hubby has to do dinner himself (which he is capable of, but a bit out of practice). no asking do i need anything (pjs, contact lens care stuff). first time he actually comes to see me is to bring me home the next day. granted, we don’t get to visit with his brother very often, since he lives in a different state. but even his brother thought he was a bit of a dick on that one.
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And it should be pointed out that it doesn’t always just go one way – clueless guy, hurt girl. My brother got out of the hospital after a multi-week stay, called his wife for a ride, and she told him that she was trying to get something done and he should take a cab home. Which he did, and it wasn’t an argument or anything.

But it was a symptom. They’re divorced now, and while this one incident isn’t the reason why, it’s an example of the disaffection that was the reason why.

42

[QUOTE=jjimm]
That you didn’t, I think, and that when you finished work you went home instead of physically trying to find where she was - home or hospital - in a car or trudging through the snow on foot - indicates that you don’t care as much as you might think you do.
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[QUOTE=Rubystreak]
Just to clarify, I don’t think anyone was telling you to miss work on Sunday. What about going to the hospital after work? They let you visit pretty late. Or what about Monday morning? You could have called her to see if she was getting out, OFFER to visit and/or pick her up, etc. Go the extra mile, you know.

If this is beyond what you were willing to do, then you’re not really that into her. I also don’t think that my feeling on this matter indicate that I’m high maintenance and require a lot of attention-- I would just hope that my BF would show concern and make an effort if I was sick enough to go into the hospital overnight. I’d certainly do it for him, and for several of my closest friends, too.
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I’m with these guys. Bouv, once you’ve finished high school, when you pair up with someone, you go the extra mile. Keep that in mind for your next serious relationship.

43

Yeah. I don’t think either of you is inherently a bad person. But I think you’re expecting different things from this relationship.

If Mr. Stuff got a call from me and I was in the hospital, he would be there pretty much as soon as safely possible. The reverse is also true. We are each other’s Most Important Person.

It sounds like she wants to be a priority in your life, and you don’t really want that level of dedication right now. Or, at least, not with her.

44

I started 4 different posts to this thread in the past 8 hours & deleted every one of them.

It wasn’t a steller week for the OP, but I don’t think they, as a couple, are dead yet.

Unless she was just inviting him over for pancakes so she could dump him in front of all the girls in her dorm. In that case, you ruined the whole Valentine’s Day dinner-theatre motiff.

45

Wimmin! Can’t live without them, can’t afford the high maintenance.

46

[QUOTE=acsenray]
I’m with these guys. Bouv, once you’ve finished high school, when you pair up with someone, you go the extra mile. Keep that in mind for your next serious relationship.
[/QUOTE]

Well, that works well in the movies, but sometimes you just can’t, and SOs who don’t understand that are not the best SOs to have IMHO. I’m with the nurse above, Outlierrn, who said with her duties and responsibilities, anyone wanting her to have dropped everything to go hold her hand would have been shit out of luck.

This reminds me of an old girlfriend I used to have, long before I was married. I don’t think the OP’s girlfriend was setting him up for a test or anything like that, but seems to be a similar personality from what I’ve read here. My old girlfriend would keep setting up a series of tests for me to pass or fail. I would not know it at that particular moment, but she would do this to see how I reacted in a given situation. Stupid stuff, like if she didn’t order an appetizer in a restaurant, but I did, I did not love her, because I would have followed her lead and not ordered one if I loved her. That was an actual instance. I was supposed to react a certain way if I loved her. If I didn’t, she’d pout for a few days, then I’d realized we’d had another test. It did not take me too long to drop her.

Yes, of course I know going to the hospital is more serious, but the girl in question here seems lacking in maturity in the same way that my old girlfriend did.

47

It’s pretty clear from your actions that you don’t give much of a rat’s ass about her. You’ve got your own life and your own set of priorities within that life, and she’s clearly not in sync with those, what with her inconveniently-timed trips to the hospital and requests for rides.

So why do you even CARE if she thinks you’re a dick?

48

Reminds me of something that happened to me when I was in college.

I was on my bike and I was hit by a car. Fortunately, I was wearing my helmet. I was taken to the hospital by ambulance, where they determined that I was pretty banged up, but not seriously injured. They did not think I had a concussion, but said that I should not sleep alone, just in case. I lived in my own apartment at the time.

So I called my boyfriend at the time. He told me that he had a big group project due the next day, and couldn’t come over. So I called a girlfriend. She also had a big project due the next day and she couldn’t sleep over. BUT–she came and got me and brought me back to her room. Her roommate, also a friend, found someplace else to sleep that night. I slept in her roommate’s bed while she pulled an all-nighter finishing her project.

I never gave the boyfriend a hard time about it, and we continued to date for months and months. But in retrospect, that incident was really where the relationship ended for me. He didn’t even try to find a way to take care of me. My girlfriend and her roommate did, even if it wasn’t optimal for any of us. And I’m still grateful to them for their simple kindness.

And you know what? The boyfriend really WAS that into me! He wasn’t a dick. Maybe he was a little clueless. Maybe we just had different ideas about how to deal with these things. Regardless, that was the beginning of the end for me.

To reiterate–it wasn’t that he couldn’t come over. It’s that he didn’t even try to help.

So, to answer the OP–Yeah, you acted somewhat dickish. I’m not sure that you’re a dick, however. Maybe you’re just a little clueless as well.

I do think that it sounds like she is being a little passive-aggressive, and trying to play it “cool” when she really should be communicating more honestly.

I think that if you genuinely want to salvage the relationship, some major groveling will be useful.

49

[QUOTE=Siam Sam]
Well, that works well in the movies, but sometimes you just can’t, and SOs who don’t understand that are not the best SOs to have IMHO. I’m with the nurse above, Outlierrn, who said with her duties and responsibilities, anyone wanting her to have dropped everything to go hold her hand would have been shit out of luck.
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I don’t know what you thought I suggested he do, but to me there’s a pretty clear reasonable reaction once you learn that your girlfriend is going to the hospital and you don’t know why – The OP didn’t even make a reasonable attempt to try to find out what was wrong and then, after work he just shrugged and went home. That’s bullshit behavior for a significant other. If you don’t rush to her side as soon as possible (as soon as his supervisor says, “okay you can go,” for example), then you’re really in “casual acquaintance” or “not very close friend” category.

Oh, and where exactly for the OP do the “duties of a nurse” come into play once he’s finished his shift? And the “I have a class thing” is bullcrap, too. Classes can be skipped.

50

[QUOTE=acsenray]
I don’t know what you thought I suggested he do, but to me there’s a pretty clear reasonable reaction once you learn that your girlfriend is going to the hospital and you don’t know why – The OP didn’t even make a reasonable attempt to try to find out what was wrong and then, after work he just shrugged and went home. That’s bullshit behavior for a significant other. If you don’t rush to her side as soon as possible (as soon as his supervisor says, “okay you can go,” for example), then you’re really in “casual acquaintance” or “not very close friend” category.

Oh, and where exactly for the OP do the “duties of a nurse” come into play once he’s finished his shift? And the “I have a class thing” is bullcrap, too. Classes can be skipped.
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Simmer down. No need to get riled. Or be melodramatic. And as for classes, depends on the class whether it can be missed or not. some can. Some can’t unless you want to flunk. I still say based on what he wrote, she was the unreasonable one.

51

Eh, I think you were being a bit of a dick, for not showing up and the hospital (after work) and the ride thing. I was living together with someone once and got food poisoning in the middle of the night. It was so bad, he ended up having to take me to the emergency room. A couple hour wait later, I still hadn’t been seen and it was almost time for him to go to work. I asked him to wait with me a little longer and he just looks at me like I am asking the world and says “well I have to eat before I go to work…” That was the beginning of the end for me. He left me in the emergency room, alone, practically in tears.

He stopped by after work and when he saw me laying in the hospital bed with an IV, he looked mighty embarrassed by his earlier behavior. However, it was too late for me. His selfishness was already putting a strain on our relationship and that was pretty much the final nail in the coffin. He proved to me that when it really came down to the wire and I needed him, he’d always chose himself first. I wanted more than that.

Sounds like your girlfriend wants more than that too.

52

When someone you love is hurting and you don’t care enough to even bring her flowers or soup or something after she gets home to see if she is okay she isn’t the one for you. The hospital is a frightening place to be when you are by yourself and you couldn’t even bring yourself to stop by with a card? Not necessarily dickish behavior but it does speak volumes about your relationship. When I was in college I had to go to the hospital but my (then) fiance had to go to work. He couldn’t miss work for what was a pretty minor thing so he dug up his childhood companion Bearly (a small stuffed bear that was missing an eye) and told me to take him to the hospital with me so I wouldn’t be alone. Then as soon as he got off work he rushed to make sure I was okay. Even though he wasn’t there with me I knew he cared and that was what was important.

53

[QUOTE=Siam Sam]
Simmer down. No need to get riled. Or be melodramatic. And as for classes, depends on the class whether it can be missed or not. some can. Some can’t unless you want to flunk. I still say based on what he wrote, she was the unreasonable one.
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So if you were in the hospital, you wouldn’t care if you SO bothered to find out what was wrong with you, or tried to see you, or drove you home? Honestly? Not even one of those things? OK. I don’t think that makes you reasonable, though. Are you honestly saying that, if the OP’s GF wanted him to act like he cared that she was sick in the hospital, that somehow makes her unreasonable? I don’t think so.

54

IMO, the OP’s GF downplayed her hospital stay to the point where I can’t entirely blame him for not acting like a boyfriend should.

  • She informed him of her trip to the hospital via an IM that said “I’m off to the hospital.” It doesn’t seem she indicated why she was going. She also telephoned, but he missed that call, because he was on the road.
  • The OP called immediately after seeing the IM, and during his break at work. She didn’t answer or return his call either time.
  • When the OP did get in touch with her after work, she said it wasn’t serious, and didn’t want to talk about it. She still didn’t tell him why she was there.

I’m not saying he wasn’t insensitive to her needs. But maybe the OP took his cues of what reaction was appropriate based on her actions. IMO, by not saying what was wrong and by showing no signs of any urgency, she didn’t act in such a way that would make most boyfriends think, “Gosh, I better stop by the hospital immediately after work to see if she’s ok.” For all he knew when he left work, she was safe at home again.

I also think her calling you a dick is hypocritical. You didn’t invite her for breakfast in one breath and then in the next tell her you ate all the food anyway. Getting mad at someone when they decline to be late and stinky for you when you call them at the last minute is pretty dickish, too.

bouv, is it possible the thing with her ex-BF is resulting in, consciously or otherwise, her driving you away in some twisted display of self-pity?

55

[QUOTE=pbbth]
Even though he wasn’t there with me I knew he cared and that was what was important.
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I think that’s the crux of the issue. Bouv’s actions didn’t indicate that he cared. In fact, they made it seem like he didn’t care. And in my earlier story, my boyfriend’s actions made it seem like he didn’t care. My friend and her roommate did show that they cared.

I think that we all understand that a person has to balance the various obligations in his or her life. But if the OP really did have to stay at his job instead of rushing to the ER, he still could have shown that he cared in other ways.

(Not trying to pick on you, Bouv…)

56

You weren’t exactly a dick, but you could have done better by her. Remember, she’s got a kidney infection. Those HURT! It’s hard to fight them off, it can take a long while to get completely well, and right now she’s barely got the strength to do much of anything. (Especially if they gave her prescription painkillers.) She’s actually quite sick, and it’s a serious illness. (My doctor told me that “Each time you get a kidney infection it damages your kidneys to some degree”. I know, I’ve been through kidney infections multiple times.) I agree with AudreyK, Rubystreak, and Jess. You ought to make it up to her by fussing over her a good deal more. Bring her warm broth or herbal tea while she rests in bed. Rub her feet or back, just to comfort her. Bring her a new magazine or book. Watch her favorite “chick flick” with her. Bring her 7up or other clear fluids. Tempt her to avoid caffine with a nice fruit smoothie you whipped up for her. Bring her some ice cream, or jello. Make her a tasty meal that doesn’t take too much work to eat. Just sit with her and let her put her head on your shoulder. Ask her if she needs any errands run, or chores around her place done, and do them for her if you can. Things like that. She deserves some spoiling right now, she’s SICK! Granted I don’t know her, but I’d bet she’d give you similar nursing if you were that ill, wouldn’t she?

57

[QUOTE=Zabali_Clawbane]
You weren’t exactly a dick, but you could have done better by her. Remember, she’s got a kidney infection. Those HURT!
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Damn good point. Look up the symptoms, OP. I’ve only ever had a UTI, but even that made me sure I was going to die (or was it begging to die? Either way, it involved peeing blood). Sick people deserve a little leeway. And what’s all this about ‘25 minutes’? Is that supposed to be a long time? And the food wasn’t eaten. That was purely a last ditch, ‘Well I didn’t want you to come, anyway’ ploy. Maybe not mature, but who can blame her?

For anyone who thinks this girl seems too high maintenance, I’d look into one of those Asian women mentioned by two posters here. Apparently they’re nice and submissive (and love being touted as such!)

58

Alright, I admit I was kind of dickish, but I have tried to be supportive this week. As I said, it’s not like I found out she went to the ER and was like “well, too bad for her.” Like I said, I called a total of three times that day (the three times I could,) and the first two I just got voicemail, and the last one she didn’t pick up but then over IM said she didn’t want to talk on the phone, was really tired, and just wanted to go to bed. Every night (save Wednesday and Thursday,) I offered to come over and each time she just said “nah, I’m tired and want to just go to bed.” Should I have taken that as a clue that she wanted to be in bed with me, that night? Probably.

But here’s the thing: I don’t like (hell, hate) that BS relationship stuff where someone says one thing but means another. If she tells me she doesn’t want me to come over but really does, well too bad for her cause I won’t. If she says nothing is wrong when obviously something is, I won’t press the issue to find out, even when I know she’s just saying nothing because that’s what women say when a man asks her what’s wrong. :rolleyes:

Is that dickish? Almost certainly, but she knows that’s how I am. I told her that upfront right when we got into this relationship. And the thing is, she agreed with me. She said she hates that too and promised not to do it if I didn’t. Yet apparently she did. We talked and seemed to have worked through this small issue, and are trying to find a good day for us to make up the V-Day dinner we missed (and this past Wednesday was so good, too. She has no Thursday classes, and the early class I normally have Thursdays was moved to 1 PM Friday!)

So I guess in the end the thing to take home is that I did try, I just didn’t try at the exact times she wanted me to, and maybe could have tried a little harder.

59

[QUOTE=bouv]
1. <snip>Every night (save Wednesday and Thursday,) I offered to come over and each time she just said “nah, I’m tired and want to just go to bed.” Should I have taken that as a clue that she wanted to be in bed with me, that night? Probably.
<snip>

**2.**If she says nothing is wrong when obviously something is, I won’t press the issue to find out, even when I know she’s just saying nothing because that’s what women say when a man asks her what’s wrong. :rolleyes:
<snip>

**3.**Is that dickish? Almost certainly, but she knows that’s how I am.
<snip>

**4.**So I guess in the end the thing to take home is that I did try, I just didn’t try at the exact times she wanted me to, and maybe could have tried a little harder.
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Bolded numerals added by me.
**1.**She might have wanted you to tuck her in, and maybe cuddle her. She’s likely not interested in sex, and probably should avoid it until she’s beaten the kidney infection.

**2.**Not all women do that. You and your girlfriend both strike me as being young. You both have to find the middle ground in instances like that. She needs to learn to speak up, and you need to learn to ask.

**3.**No “buts”.

**4.**You could have tried more than a little harder.

60

[QUOTE=bouv]
“Oh, well that’s nice. Now I’m kind of glad I didn’t come over, because all that hard work would have been for almost nothing.”
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Translated: “Seeing you means nothing to me.”

The rest of your behaviour wasn’t too bad, but that comment may well have tipped her over.