Ask complete strangers for advice on your relationship thread #12,678.

In My Humble Opinion
1

Going against the grain of wisdom, I’m going there!

So, I’m having an issue with my GF not asking for help when she needs it.

A bit of back story: My GF suffers from IBS. In the past year that we have been together, oftentimes, when she is at work, she will mention to me that her stomach is bothering her. And in the past when she has done this, I have offered her rides home from work in an attempt to make her life just a little bit less miserable. Otherwise she would have to take the train. Every time I have offered, she has declined.

Yesterday, I texted her while she was at work to say hello. She responds back that her tummy is HURTING. So I respond back with my sympathies and hopes that she feels better soon.

We work opposite schedules, as she is getting off, I’m heading into work.

So just before I head into work, I send her one more text with my sympathies. She responds back, explaining in further detail, that this is not a typical flare up and that she could hardly stand up straight.

Now I’m worried, so I ask her if she would like me to come get her and take her to the ER… Nope, there’s nothing (the ER) can do. She’s upset with me because I didn’t have the right of mind to offer her a ride home earlier. (Never mind the fact that I was willing to blow off work to take her to the ER)

So, this is a recurring problem with us. Her issue with me is that I have been a bachelor for a LONG time and have difficulty in thinking in terms of a couple. I’ll concede at times, she does have a point. For that reason, she REFUSES to ask me for help. In her mind, she feels that I should pick up on these clues and be more proactive. Again, she has a point, and I do make an effort to be more proactive in that regard.

Still though, shouldn’t healthy couples be able to ask each other for help when they need it? Even if I did need to be hit in the head with a clue by four, isn’t it incumbent on her to say: “Yeah dude, I need you to give me a ride home today.” Because, had she asked, I would have been more than happy to do it.

2

Get out. She’s playing a game that you can’t win. You can’t play to a draw either. She’s mad at you when you deserve gratitude, do you think this will get better some how? I’d be gob-smacked if she ever blew off her job to pick you up even if you asked.

3

Unfortunately, some women seem to expect men to be mind-readers. You need to determine whether you will be happy with someone who treats you like that.

4

It sounds like your girlfriend has mistaken you for the Amazing Kreskin. You should inform her immediately of your lack of psychic powers.

My advice would be to just make it official that you will drive her home every day. That way there’s nothing to ask about and you won’t get dinged for lack of psychic detective work.

Of course, you’ll probably get dumped for insufficient detectiving and then fired for being late to work, but it’s your own fault for not guessing that I’m just full of crap advice.

5

Tell her exactly what you’re telling us. You are always offering to pick her up and she’s always turning the offer down. And you figured that if she had wanted a ride, she would have told you.

People play games like this because their partner puts up with it. Don’t do that.

6

There’s a subtle difference between these 2 grievances:
[ul]
[li]“you didn’t guess exactly what I wanted” - This is a problematic person.[/li][li]“you didn’t even ask if I needed anything.” - This is problematic communication.[/li][/ul]

In the latter case, you can either insist that she has to ask you for everything she needs, or you can get in the habit of asking if you can help when there’s something wrong. Some people are just really paranoid about being a burden and need a little prompting.

In the former case, this is red-flag behavior that needs to be addressed (unless we’re talking about some event where thoughtfulness is the whole point, like a birthday or something).

7

Yes and no?

Here’s the reason, IMO, that women* tend to be upset with men* for not paying attention and picking up on their cues, and men tend to be clueless about it:

Women are socialized that it is their duty, in order to be a good partner, to be constantly alert for small signals that their sweetheart may need or want something, and respond to them immediately, often before it is asked. If they didn’t do that, they wouldn’t be being a nurturing, loving partner - paying close attention like that and anticipating their needs is just what is done if you care about someone. So when her guy doesn’t pay nearly as much attention to her small signals as she does to his, to the woman that means the man doesn’t care about her as much as she cares about him. She feels taken for granted and unappreciated.

Men, on the other hand, are not socialized that this is part of their duty as a partner - they often really don’t see that the woman is even doing this, let alone try to do the same nurturing of her that she does of him. It’s just not on his radar. So even when he tries to be thoughtful, he’s often clumsier at it, since paying that particular kind of attention isn’t drilled into his sense of self/idea of what makes a good partner the way it is for her. What he sees as “expecting him to read her mind” she might see as “expecting him to do just a little of what I do all the time”.

Does that make sense in this case? It relates to, but isn’t identical to, the concept of emotional labor.

Please note - I’m not saying it was right for her not to ask you directly for help when she needed it - I think she should have - I’m just giving a context for why she might have expected you to not need her to ask.

*I am generalizing here for both genders, I admit it, and of course I’m being heteronormative, and of course everyone can come up with counterexamples - but this feels like there’s a core truth here, and the people I’ve discussed it with IRL have agreed.

8

Sounds to me like normal relationship friction that can be remedied with communication. People have different expectations sometimes, and usually it’s just a matter of what you grew up with.

A good conversation should work wonders. You need to understand what her need are (“I need to have the option to be picked up if I’m having a flare up”) and she needs to understand your needs (“I need you to tell me when something is normal and when somethings is an emergency”). Lay out each other’s needs clearly and constructively and make an honest effort to respect them and a lot of the friction should disappear.

9

I don’t see how you could reasonably have known that “this flare up is really bad” translates to “I need a ride home.” Maybe there’s some background you haven’t shared, but you’re as puzzled by it as I am, so I’m assuming not.

It’s great if you can anticipate needs, but she needs to learn to ask for what she needs and this is especially true when her needs are different on a particular day.

Maggie the Ocelot makes a great point that I’ve seen in my relationship with my wife. She has often tried to anticipate needs and several I’ve had to tell her that I would ask for help if I want it. And conversely, I’ve told her that if she asks for something, she’s going to get it, but I can’t be expected to read minds.

One example is similar but opposite to yours: I often walk home from work. She sees this as a hardship for me; I see it as exercise and Lord knows I need more of that. So when she kept showing up unannounced to give me a ride home, I had to appreciate her intent, but also explained that I would let her know what I need and when I need it.

You’re in the opposite scenario of her expecting you to anticipate her need, but the solution is basically the same. If she needs help, she needs to let you know.

10

Thanks for the responses so far guys. Just to add a bit more.

Usually when she tells me her stomach is bothering her, she’ll say just that, usually in text: “My tummy is bothering me”

Yesterday when she texted me, she texted me: “My stomach is HURTING…”

She feels that the “HURTING” in all caps should have been the clue that I picked up on.
So… IDK…

11

I wish women would stop doing that. It usually plays out something like this:

Stop at a fast food place and get soft drinks. I maybe think to myself that I haven’t had a Dr. Pepper in a long time, so I fill my cup with that. I take a sip and suddenly remember why I don’t drink that vile crap. Meanwhile, the gal I’m with sees me select Dr Pepper and makes a mental note “He really likes Dr Pepper.”

12

Mmm. If I’d gotten that text, I’d have assumed that it was worse than usual. Probably wouldn’t have jumped to “I’ll take you to the ER” but (especially after she declined the ER trip) would have gone with “Will you let me take you home this time?”

ETA: just re-read the OP - I do think it would have been better if he’d offered, but I also think she should have asked.

Also - folks with sometimes-debilitating illnesses are often very insistent on doing for themselves when they can, because they know there will be a time when they can’t. It’s a sort of pride thing. Keep offering to give her a ride, because sometimes (like this) it’ll be bad enough that she’ll bend her pride to say yes.

13

Bubba and Gomer are at a restaurant in Cozumel.
Bubba says to the waiter: “I want me some tacos and a beer.” The waiter looks confused.
Gomer says: “Cuz, I bet he don’t speak no English.”
Bubba shouts in the waiter’s ear: “I WANT ME SOME TACOS AND A BEER!”

14

I think she should have asked, and you should have offered. But she’s probably just mad mostly because she feels bad.
you could try talking about the ride home issue in frank terms, but I suggest you wait until she’s feeling better.

15

What HMS Irruncible, even sven and spamforbrains said.

My mother will ask for help on things she should be able to do by herself (such as get off her arse to grab the TV remote when the only other person in the house happens to be in the middle of having a shower), but will not ask when she actually needs it (such as to get a heavy, 20-liter stainless steel pot from the closet to the stovetop). A telltale that she’s mad at whatever or whomever is a banging of pots and pans and things she normally wouldn’t even consider moving by herself. I’ve known many other people (both genders) who were least likely to ask for help when they most needed it; that’s when they go into “oh I don’t want to be a bother” or “I must be able to do it by myself” modes.

We can generalize to Hell and back, but each “won’t ask for help” person comes to it from a different angle. I’ve seen some differences between men and women but they’re about what kind of situation they’ll be idiots about: for women it’s more likely to be physical stuff, for men it’s usually work stuff. But that in turn might have to do with women being more likely to need physical help: guys with chronic illnesses or folks in the extremes of age equalize things.

16

I don’t think your girlfriend is being reasonable. This is in a way akin to a boy cried wolf scenario. “I don’t need your help, I don’t need a ride” - and then one day, when it’s severe - Why aren’t you offering me help and a ride?

17

Seriously. The OP has offered rides in the past and they are declined. Then the one time she needs it, she does not ask for it. BUT the OP offered to take her to the ER and take a day off work.

And she’s upset about this???

18

I don’t think GF is being unreasonable, or at least, there’s not enough information to conclude she is being unreasonable. We’d need further evidence of game-playing and chain-yanking for that.

Giving the benefit of the doubt here, but just based on my experiences with past GFs and now my wife, it sounds like GF believed she communicated intent. The fact that her communication was not received properly doesn’t mean her communication style is invalid. I’ve witnessed first-hand my wife and some of her friends communicate in “subtle” ways that are sometimes lost on me, yet it works just fine for them. It’s just that I’m like the OP; if someone wants something from me, they need to state their wants clearly in plain English. That doesn’t make one communication style more or less correct than the other, though.

GF needs to make more of an effort to state her wants and needs clearly. OP needs to make more of an effort to pick up on the “subtle” communication that GF is sending, or else come up with some other kind of compromise communication strategy. For example, I personally favor asking my wife “Can I get you anything/help you with anything” regularly as matter of habit; it works as a stopgap measure and my wife accepts the practice. In turn, she makes more of an effort to state her wants outright, even if communicating that way tends to feel unnatural to her.

19

Q: How come you needed to post this question and did not know in advance what my answer would be? Shame one you!:slight_smile:

A: The reason you did not know what my answer would be is that you are not a mind reader!

Same with your girlfriend. You can’t read her mind and should not be expected to. Simple as that! Dump her, she is being unreasonable and silly.

20

What more do you need? She is mad at him for not reading her mind. Maybe she doesn’t think it’s going to turn out to be a good relationship as a result, but unless the OP is making up her response there’s nothing more to it. Perhaps she could apologize, say that her discomfort caused to her react badly, and then maybe, ma-ay-ay-ay-aybe, the OP has a clue to use in the future, but if she thinks he’s done anything wrong here she’s being unreasonable.