No, she is mad at him for not responding in appropriate manner to her communication. He did not respond in an appropriate manner because the communication was not delivered in a manner the OP understands. See the GF’s comments as relayed by the OP. Absent any other data, I see two people with different communication styles who aren’t communicating in this particular instance.
This doesn’t make either the GF’s or the OP’s communication styles wrong, assuming both the GF and the OP have no issues communicating with others generally. It just makes them different. They can choose to find some middle-ground style of communication that works, or they can choose not to (and probably split up). But I don’t agree that she wasn’t communicating at all. There are plenty of valid communication styles besides “Plain-Language-Verbal”.
He did respond in an appropriate manner to her communication. She did not communicate clearly, and she is being unreasonable if she is mad at him. If ‘Plain-Language-Verbal’ is not used it’s up to the communicator to make sure the communicatee is aware of the secret language in use.
Cut and run dude, and then only date women who are willing to act like adults. You starting to get stuck in a game where the only winning move is not to play. Unless she’s willing to say ‘you’re right, I will ask for what I want next time instead of expecting you to mind read’, your life is going to descend deeper and deeper into a hell of painful emotional manipulation. And it’s pretty clear from your post that she’s not going to concede that asking for a ride if she needs one is the reasonable thing for her to do, that it’s somehow going to end up being your fault for not caring enough. Sure, you can try talking about it, but my experience is that the conversation will just be delaying the eventual descent into either a breakup or accepting it.
Why? Why should ‘Plain-Language-Verbal’ automatically be considered the default, when many people do not in fact use it as their default communication style in their personal relationships?
There are other communication styles, but not everyone is aware of when the communication breaks down. Grrr’s GF was trying to send a message, but it wasn’t getting through. Grrr wasn’t aware that there was a message he was supposed to be picking up. When only one person is aware of a problem, she’s the one who’s in a position to fix it, or to bring it to the other’s attention.
Sure, which is what she did, albeit in an unpleasant way. I suppose you can say she does owe him an apology for getting mad at him, instead of just raising awareness in a calmer fashion from the outset.
I guess what really irks me is the implication that the OP’s communication style is “right” and hers is “wrong”. My preference is “short and directly to the point”, which I suppose aligns more closely with the OP’s preferred communication style. But nothing I’ve experienced leads me to believe such a style somehow “better” or “more valid”, or that it is somehow a communication style we have all implicitly agreed to in advance.
Except there was nothing in her communication that suggested that she wanted a ride. And on previous times when the OP offered she declined. When no verbal or physical cues are available, such as in texting, there are right and wrong ways to communicate.
The fact that she probably has this kind of attitude is why I said to run away, BTW. If the attitude is ‘Oh, maybe I should apologize for being mad at you for no good reason’, you’re going to experience her being mad at you for no good reason a lot. And you’re not going to fix it, because she’s going to refuse to acknowledge where the problem lies.
Yes, and he’s correct. Not telling someone what you want, then getting mad that the other person didn’t somehow discern the information you failed to communicate is a “worse” and “invalid” style of communication. It’s not as bad of a style of communication as asking directly for the opposite of what you want, then getting mad when the other person does what you asked instead of reading your mind, but it’s still not a good communication style.
This is the point where I’d tell her she’s being ridiculous. You’ve repeatedly asked her if she wanted a ride, and she repeatedly said no. You stopped asking and now you’re the bad guy? It doesn’t work that way. You want help? Ask for help. I’m not playing this game.
Ohhhhkay, a lot of these posts have gone way off-track. I don’t think your girlfriend is being manipulative at all. It’s what Maggie said upthread about differences in how men and women perceive things. It took me a long time and a couple men to figure out that men aren’t being jerks but rather that they really don’t pick up on hints. I also figured out I didn’t like to ask for things (for whatever reason) so the two put together is a bad combination. Once I stopped hoping my guy would pick up on the hints and actually ask for what I need things went much better.
I didn’t even realize that’s what I’d been doing, so no, it’s not manipulative.
Your girlfriend is like how I was where she doesn’t want to ask, so hopes you’ll pick up on what she needs like she would if the situation were reversed, and is disappointed when you don’t. She hasn’t learned that you’re different. She also may have some other issues with having a chronic illness, but I think the differences in communication are the main problem.
Could you read what other people have said and explain this to her in your own words? That you’re not insensitive, that you’re different in that you weren’t raised to pick up on these things, asking is ok and that’s what she needs to do? If you could get that through to her I think things will improve immensely. It may take her awhile to give up the notion that you should just KNOW, but be patient. It really was a foreign concept to me and took some time to process. But I did.
This thread is a pretty good illustration of why a lot of relationships don’t work. I can’t believe some of the responses. I hope some of you guys will take my prior post into consideration. Sure, some women are manipulative, but like I said, most of us simply don’t have a clue how you think. Like you guys don’t about us.
It’s perfectly possible to be unconsciously manipulative, and makes it even less likely that she’ll accept responsibility for her behavior.
No, she’s UPSET and expressing it to him, and using the fact that she’s upset to manipulate him into feeling guilty when the problem is actually her failure to communicate in a reasonable manner. That’s the part that indicates to me that it’s only going to get worse from here - she’s not willing to take responsibility for communicating, and instead resorts to guilt-tripping and being “upset” with him until he caves in and does whatever she wants. She’s probably already gotten him to apologize for not reading her mind.
You illustrate perfectly this huge misunderstanding we have about how the other sex thinks. Most men aren’t jerks. Most women aren’t manipulative.
I’m pretty sure I read everything and I don’t see where she’s not taking responsibility for not communicating. It’s what I’m telling you: she doesn’t know HOW. What does it hurt to give her the benefit of the doubt and talk to her in the manner as I suggested above? If she refuses to accept it then there are problems but if he gets through to her things could be much better. Why throw it away when it’s quite possible it’s fixable?
Thank you for your input Helena330, you make some salient points.
The thing is, I already have tried to explain to her I’m not good at picking up hints. And I have told her I’ll try my best to do so. But the bottom line is, if you need help, you’re going to have to ask for it.
And she has flat out said, she will NOT ask for help! She has somehow got it into her head, that this is me retaliating against her for all the times I did ask and she turned me down. Now “obviously” I’m forcing her to ask for help even when I supposedly know she needs it.
How am I illustrating two claims that I never made? I didn’t say anything about men being jerks, and never said anything remotely like ‘most women are manipulative’. I stated that a particular set of behaviors was clearly manipulative (and supported it with specific arguments) but not it’s overall frequency within the population of women. Incidentally, I didn’t make that claim because I don’t think that the majority of women are manipulative, or that the majority of women are bad at communication or taking responsibility for their own issues.
Even before the OP’s most recent post explicitly clarifying what he’s dealing with, the pattern was very obvious to me as someone who’s lived through that kind of relationship. OP, I know it seems like a minor thing now, but it’s going to get worse if you don’t somehow resolve it, and it doesn’t sound like there is a resolution coming.
With the most recent post, it’s clear that he’s tried talking to her. And she flat-out refuses to communicate in a reasonable manner, and goes so far as to claim that he’s ‘retaliating’ for a slight that she imagines by requesting clear communication. And to top it off, she projects her own manipulative behavior onto him, claiming that he’s trying to manipulate her by lying about not understanding the ‘hints’.
He told her HOW. He gave her the benefit of the doubt. He talked to her. And he probably apologized for her awful communication multiple times already. Better to throw it out NOW before he gets tied in more deeply emotionally (trauma bonding is a powerful thing), financially, legally, or through kids and then realize what you’re dealing with.
Partly it’s default because when they’re dealing with communication by text message, there’s no body language or voice inflection to rely on. Even in voice or in-person communication, plain language verbal is a default because its the one that both people are most likely to have in common with a minimum of miscommunication.
The OP is clearly not understanding the communication method that his girlfriend is attempting to use and so they need to find something that’s a common denominator between the two of them.
There’s no reason any one couple has to use that method, as long as they agree on what method to use, and it’s a method that both of them can use. If one person is deaf, I’m going to suggest they need a partner who can use sign language.
Yep, that’s about what it boils down to, unfortunately.
It might be worth attempting some kind of couples counseling, maybe even a DIY approach using a book or something of that sort. It’s a good way to structure a non-judgmental conversation about the communication issues.
One bit of advice that I’ve seen in the past is to emphasize that communication has three parts: 1) the intended meaning 2) the actual form of communication and 3) the interpreted meaning. An error between any of those three components will result in ineffective communication. To me, it seems like the main disconnect is between her intended meaning (“I need help”) and her communication of it (“I don’t need help”), but it’s probably a safe bet that both of you have things you can work to improve on.
On the other hand, it might not be worth that. There’s a time to move along and find someone else…
Straight forward communication is key to long term relationship success.
If your communication (as a couple) includes trying to pick on on little clues through text, then it is poor communication. I’m sorry, but she needs to grow up and communicate like an adult instead of seeing how much time you’ll put into figuring out her little puzzles.
Ok, yes, I agree with you on the last point. I don’t understand her refusing to ask for help at all. I sure wish **Pantastic **hadn’t been right on this one.
