"I have a headache"="I want sex." Black is white, up is down ...

The BBQ Pit
1

I’m confused, and I’m vacillating between angry and dumbfounded. I’m hoping somebody else can help me out here, and work me through this.

My wife and I were talking via e-mail today about various and sundry topics when she starts telling me I haven’t been paying enough attention to her lately. Turns out she means sexually. She has felt neglected the past couple of weeks, because I haven’t been initiating sex.

Well. I pointed out that the reason I’ve been less than aggressive is her near-constant mantra every evening. As we’re talking at the dinner table, she mentions what a killer headache she has, how stressful her day was, how tired she is, etc. I take this information at face value, and try to react accordingly – I tell her I’m sorry she doesn’t feel well, I give her time to take a bubble bath while I watch the kids, I try to do a little more cleaning and straightening around the house. In short, I try to give her a little time for herself so she can unwind and relax. To my way of thinking, attempting to initiate sex would be extremely inconsiderate of me, because I know that when I am tired and stressed I’m not feeling particularly romantic.

It turns out that when she says “I have a headache” she’s giving me a clue that she wants to have sex. Her point is that sex is the best cure for a headache. I have never heard this, and tell her that thousands of years of frustration on the part of my gender could have been avoided if we had known this.

I am also supposed to see the blatant suggestiveness inherent in “I am soooo tired. I’m falling asleep on my feet.” This, translated, apparently means “Fill me with your manhood, you hot pulsing stud!” and I’m just too stupid to comprehend that.

The kicker, the thing that tends to make me angry about the situation, is that more than once during this time, when she has retired to “sleep,” she has availed herself of a personal toy. Her statement to me today was “Well, if you’re not going to help me, I’ll just help myself.”

Now, I have no problem with the toy per se. We’ve used it together to great enjoyment. But dammit, don’t pull shit like saying “I have a headache,” tell me that I’m not being romantic enough, then go get your jollies by yourself when I’m trying to help by doing the chores you were “too tired” to do!

I’m not concerned about the relationship, and I don’t believe we have tremendous underlying problems ripping us apart or anything like that. I just don’t understand this doubletalk. Is this common, and I’m just ignorant? Or am I justified in feeling a little hurt and angry about this?

2

Geez, so often it boils down to a break-down in communication. IMHO, exploding at her (which you may be tempted to do, as you are understandably angry) would be counter-productive. Perhaps you could tell her that you’re simply not very good at picking up on her little “hints”, and that things would work out better if the two of you had clearer communications. Obviously, if the kids are around, she doesn’t want to say “Hey, babe, let’s put the kids to bed and then go fuck!”, but perhaps the two of you could work out some kind of code?

Hope all works out well!

3

Well, now you know what to do if she says “I vant to be alone”.

4

I think I missed that class in “How to Confuse Men 2113”.

When I say I have a headache, all I want is some Excedrin and a glass of water and to be left alone in the quite and dark.

5

No you’re not ignorant, thats usually how it goes.

6

I agree norinew. I don’t want to get angry at her. That’s the main reason I’m posting this here, to try to work out some of this frustration and maybe get some alternate viewpoints.

But damn, I don’t want to carry around an Enigma machine to figure out if I’m supposed to initiate sex.

7

Confuses the hell out of me. I’ve had horrible migraines lately, and the last thing I wanna do when my head is throbbing is to have another throbbing head anywhere near me. We’ve agreed, though, that since I have had so many damn migraines lately that when we’re alone together and I don’t have a migraine, we should have sex, even if we’re tired, because odds are good that I’ll have a migraine again pretty soon. We need to make up for lost time, after all.

8

You deciphered the rules. Your spouse is now compelled by convention to change some or all of them.

9

I would suggest saying, calmly and rationally, that you’re sorry you didn’t pick up on her hints, but that maybe she was too subtle. Work out a less ambiguous signal–after all, who knows when “I’m tired” might actually mean “I’m tired.”

I don’t get it, though. I mean, I can be vexing at times, certainly, but when I want sex, I don’t say I’m ill.

Well, okay; I do say I’m ill. But that’s because I am ill, and I want sex anyways. And I say so. ::nods::

10

That’s a bit goofy, especially considering the “I have a headache” line is the one women have traditionally used to get OUT of sex. I don’t think it’s all that common for women to send that type of mixed message. I mean hey, if I’m frisky, I’ll start nibbling my guy’s neck or something, not tell him I’m “tired and need to rest.” :stuck_out_tongue:

You definitely need to talk to her about communication - I’m sure she can find a better way to let you know she’s interested. She doesn’t even have to be too obvious about it - something like “I’m tired, put the kids to bed and come lay down with me” would get the message across that she wants company.

11

Hell, in high school, I told girls sex was the sure-fire cure for a headache!

:smiley: I’m such a dog…

Sam

12

Well you could be angry or you can use this information to your advantage, meaning it gives you more insight into her. I can understand you being frustrated, but I don’t know if being angry is the correct. YMMV. The moment she whipped out the toy though should have been your cue to get on it, uh, in a manner of speaking. :wink:

13

Did she actually say this to you? That her saying he has a headache is a hint that she wants to have sex? If so, she only has herself to blame.

I feel for you… I wouldn’t get mad at her about it, but I would at least point out that she needs to throw you a bone (so to speak) when she wants to have sex. Even if it’s through a euphemism, it just has to be through one that you both understand.

Like so many issues, this comes down to communication. She needs to understand that it’s a two-way street, and you need to be receptive to it. It sounds like you are recpetive to it, so the burden is largely on her end in this case.

14

I say:- stop posting … you’ve got better things to do :smiley:

15

What it really means is that you have to start an all-out toy escalation. She has her toy, fine. Get a bigger, better male-oriented toy with flashing lights and buzzers and the self-cleaning attachment.

Or, next time she yanks out her toy, grab it, toss it off the bed and hand her a different “toy”. IfyaknowwhatImean. :smiley:

16

Sounds like y’all might need some help in learning how to communicate with each other better. That help can come in many forms, from reading a good book on the subject (David Schnarch’s Passionate Marriage is excellent, IMHO) to full-blown couple’s therapy. FWIW, as in so many things, wanting to change the status quo is the first step in actually changing it. Good luck.

17

Sauron, why has she started using a different code recently?
i mean, you’ve obviously been together a while, and if this is the first time she’s used the “headache” as a cue, it’s a bit odd.
presumably you had some sort of signal or code before.

now you know she’s been feeling negleccted though, you can do your part to remedy the situation and it’ll all be good.

i know from personal experience that if one partner feels that they are being ignored, they can tend to become more distant and less communicative.
sort of an “i don’t care if you’re not talking to me, i didn’t really WANT you to talk to me anyway.”

so tepmting as it may be to do that, it only leads to a cycle, so give her some slack because she’s stressed, admit mistakes on both parts and move on.

hope it all goes well.

18

Hmm, if I said those things to Mr. Cameron it would mean I wanted a rest, not some hot lovin’. If I wanted hot lovin’, I would never try to communicate it that way.

Thinking about it, though, perhaps she’s thinking that it’s fishing for something like a backrub? Me, I just ask for a backrub, but…

It’s clearly a communication problem, though, and I think some sort of agreed-upon signal would be a good idea.

19

After much discussion, my wife and I have finally come to the agreement that I am unable to read her mind.

I recommend this solution to everyone.

20

Maybe you could offer to help cure her headache,and if she really wants to be left alone,she’ll tell you,and if she wants “the cure” then…:wink: :smiley: You should set up some “rules of fair play”,that being,if you offer, and she doesn’t want "the cure"she won’t bite your head off,just politely refuse. Also,it should be a rule,that once you offer,she’s to either accept “the cure” or tell you she’s really ill,and wants peace and quiet,and not coyly protest wanting you to continue pursuing her. I do think you two should work out a better “code phrase” though. Sometimes I want “the cure” when I have a headache,others I want to curl up alone in the quiet darkness,with a cool breeze on my face,after taking headache medicine to sleep.