I’ll add,that I will always say,one way or the other. I’ll usually initiate “the cure” if that’s what I want… Otherwise I’ll go lay down,and remove my grouchy self from company,because I’m not fit for it. I will let my husband know,if he offers “the cure” that I just feel too sick,and thank him for offering…
Anytime you want to come over and watch my kids and do household chores so I can take a bubble bath and not have sex with you, just call!
You’re a good husband. Now, next time she has a “headache”, may I suggest a “backrub.”
LOL ** Dangerosa ** I agree,at this point there might be a mighty battle to see who gets him… 
Backrubs are good,and if she wants other things…they can lead to other things… 
I see your wife’s side here.
To me “I’m tired, let’s go to bed” is a way to say, in polite company, “let’s go to bed and have sex!”
That’s not what she said, though… at least, that’s not what he said she said. From the OP:
I would agree that “Let’s go to bed” could be a subtle hint. However, a “killer headache” and a stressful day? In my family, these are signs that the person suffering these afflictions needs some alone time, not someone breathing heavily on them. YMMV.
Just be careful how you present the OP here. What you said is not the same as what he’s complaining (justifiably) about.
But I believe he’s talking about her saying these things when they’re at home, when code shouldn’t be needed.
At my house, “I’m tired” means I’m tired. “I have a headache” means I have a headache. “I’m going to bed now; I’ll be in the bed…naked” or, “I have to pee, don’t go anywhere” or, “Hey, honey, let’s have some sex” are the code phrases I use most often when I’m in the mood.
Mind reading is a skill very few people possess, and I figured out a long time ago that I suck at it, so why should I expect others to be good at it?
I suggest the following code phrase:
“I’ve got a fever… and the only prescription is more cowbell!”
Yes, it’s all part of the “Adult Conspiracy” you know. Yes, we women tend to “hint” we do it, not because we want to confuse men, but because “on venus” direct requests are considered rude and abrupt (sorry, oversimplification and overgeneralization here for the express purpose of not writing a “how-to” novel on communications between the sexes).
“Our” way of letting guys know we want something, and a “guys” way are different, that doesn’t mean you guys are wrong and we are right or vice versa, we’re just “different”. I suggest a good “Communications Between the Sexes” book ( I think there is even one of that title) that may help you translate your wife’s lingo into “guy” lingo.
But in the case of “I have a headache= I want Sex” I have to go with the rest of the girls here. I am a migraine sufferer, “I have a headache” in my book = “I am going to bed, you won’t see me for at least an hour and a half, I’ll be trying to sleep it off”.
Good Luck Sauron
Threads like this make me thank Og that both my partner and I are on Earth, communicating, not on venus and mars, second guessing.
Sauron, I suggest an open chat about how you can’t read her mind, but you are sorry she’s been feeling neglected. Explain your side, as you did in the OP, and try and work out a solution. Whether it’s ‘code words’ to use in front of the kids, or just her asking for what she wants rather than hinting, there needs to be an agreed upon method, so you both won’t be misunderstanding again. I’m sure she’ll be much happier knowing that there was a misunderstanding, rather than you being neglectful. Don’t do it by e-mail, do it face-to-face. Good luck
Now Sauron you need to be very careful here. Because when she says that when she says “I have a headache” she wants sex, she almost certainly actually means that she’s annoyed with you because you haven’t been sufficiently annoyed that she always has a headache, which makes her feel unattractive.
Unless of course she means something else entirely.
Got that?
If I were you, I’d be annoyed with my wife, and just a wee bit understanding of her feeling neglected. After all, she had no idea that you were leaving her for some “me time” and doing housework for her for her benefit. For all she knew, you were deserting her in favor of housework.
Mostly, though, I’d be annoyed that not only did she expect me to understand and be aroused by her “hints”, I’d be annoyed that she was mad at me for not getting them and that she got herself all upset over it.
For what it’s worth, I would say that you were less wrong than your wife. You didn’t do what you did expecting her to read your mind and then get mad when she didn’t get it. She did. You thought you were helping her. She should not have blamed you for not understanding what she wanted and how she felt as a result of her vague communication method.
And as an aside, I hate it when people (particularly women) pull things like this. It’s annoying when people expect you to read their minds, and then get mad at you when you, surprise surprise, can’t. It’s not hard to say what you want or why you’re doing something.
Thanks, all, for the thoughts.
We’ve talked about this (we actually communicate very well most of the time) and agreed that something a bit more definitive than “My head is killing me” is warranted if either of us expects hot lovin’.
I am apparently partially to blame for this. About six months ago, I got on a kick where anytime my wife complained about something (sore throat, headache, feeling cold, etc.) I would say “You know what’s good for that? Semen.” (What can I say, I’m a crazy kind of guy.) We had a few laughs with that, until one day when she was feeling particularly stressed, I began the line. She stopped me halfway, glared, and said, “If you say ‘Semen’ I will castrate you.” So I stopped doing that, figuring I had pushed that silly joke as far as it could go. I guess I was supposed to remember that and understand she was hinting these past couple of weeks.
The funny thing about all this is, my wife is more “guy-like” than I am. I am more touchy-feely and into communication than the average guy. So our predetermined gender roles in this scenario are almost completely reversed.
AudreyK, one of the things that frustrated me the most was the fact she knew I wasn’t abandoning her for housework. Sitting at the dinner table, she’d talk about being tired, then mention all the things she had to do that night. I’d say “Like what?” and she would start naming chores – folding laundry, washing and making bottles for the baby, emptying the dishwasher, taking out the trash. Now, normally we’d split those chores (or any others), but the past couple of weeks either I’d just do them myself as a surprise or I’d tell her I was handling them. So it was quite obvious I was trying to help her; a couple of nights I even suggested she let me watch the boys while she took a bubble bath, which I know she likes.
Okay, after previewing this post I realize I’m sounding like a better husband than I actually am. My view is understandably one-sided, and I’m still incredibly frustrated by the whole situation, so that’s likely coloring my impressions as I type.
You, sir, are my hero. Another good code phrase:
I WANT TO FUCK
That’s a bit subtle, don’t you think?
[Strother Martin]
What we have he is a failure to communicate.
[/Strother Martin]
[mary tyler moore]ya Knooooow[/mary tyler moore]
I just knew I was gonna have someone take umbrage at the “V” or “M” reference, .
I was trying to quickly explain how some of us feel and get the meaning across in as few words as possible.
A lot of us aspire to be like you and your partner Goo, but gender differences in communications ARE there, and they aren’t “few and far between” either, otherwise we wouldn’t have the glut of “Communicating with your Mate for the Complete Idiot” type books that are out on the market today.
I’m 43, and my bf and I have been together for nearly 7 years, and I’m STILL shy about approaching him for intimacy. I’m not alone. And there are a lot of men out there like my boyfriend, who doesn’t talk back, even to direct questions, without a lot of prodding and waiting while he “mulls”.
The real problem with the Venus/Mars dichotomy is that it assumes that one gender is automatically one way, while the opposite sex is automatically the other way. While I’d agree, in general, that some gender differences exist, the Venus/Mars dichotomy is way too simplistic to adequately describe it. Enough exceptions exist to this particular set of rules to make the rules themselves meaningless.
I don’t see how this puts blame on you. If there had been any kind of joking or confusion about something in the past, isn’t that even greater reason to not be subtle with one’s hints (and not be upset if the other person doesn’t get it)?
Again, if I were you, after that conversation, I’d think that when my wife said she said she a headache or some other ailment, that it translated to “Don’t even joke about sex now, 'cause I ain’t in the mood.” Assuming that that’s a logical and natural and reasonable interpretation, I find it odd that she would choose that same phrase as a hint, when in the past it meant pretty much the exact opposite.
See, the way I see it, if you’re hinting for sex, by golly, be freakin’ obvious about it. Be cheesy, be suave, be witty, whatever… but be clear that you’re trying to be seductive. I’m sure as heck not going to say, “You know, I could really use a good pedicure right now…” or “This floor could use a damn good scrubbin’!” when I want sex. Really, on what planet does that translate to “Throw me against the wall and do me, baby!”?
Seriously, now, if I had to guess, I’d say that maybe your wife doesn’t really want you to do chores for her or mind the kids for her. She doesn’t want relaxing alone time. What she really want is attention from you. Not just sex, but attention. If that’s the case, while she surely appreciates your effort and the free time it gives her, it isn’t the same. Maybe a massage in a darkened room, or even a footrub would work better on her.
Oh heck, I don’t know. I find all this confusing, and a teensy bit vexing. Is this what men are talking about when they say they don’t understand women?
Best-case scenario: this is a passing blip of friction. If this is the first instance of relationship-anger-due-to-lack-of-mindreading ability, odds are pretty good here. You’re fully justified in being a bit annoyed, though.
Worst-case: at some point in the near future, she will continue to use the “I have a headache…” thing. Armed with your hard-won decoder ring, you will think she means she wants sex, and respond accordingly. The whole thing will be enjoyable enough, but feel slightly off. This may happen once, or several times; later, she will become furious with you because when she has a headache, you keep pushing intimate contact at her when she obviously just wants to be left alone. If something like this develops, I’d say it’s time to really start worrying about deeper issues.
Well, for what it’s worth, neither I nor any other woman I know wants to feel like she’s having to prod a guy into having sex. Standing at a man’s elbow yelling “Step away from the television/computer/video game/whatever and come fuck me” is, frankly, not erotic for either partner. Nor is it good for one’s self-esteem. Based on the discussions I’ve had with other women on the subject, it’s also not very effective as the men in question tend not to appreciate being disturbed when they’re interested in something.
Since she’s apparently mentioned not just sex, but romance, I’d venture the guess that sex, headaches, and clues aren’t thte real problem here. I’d have to second the attention vote. She probably wants to feel beautiful and special and cherished, not in a pampered housemate sort of way, but as a woman. Sexually, and emotionally.
For some women having to flat out ask for sex feels like a failure on their part. I mean, we’re inundated throughout our youths with the idea that all men are constant hornballs who are turned on by anyone who’s not actually repulsive and that any attractive woman can get laid any time, without any effort on her part. Having to ask can make us feel really, really unattractive, especially if the answer’s no.
As for the vibrator issue, would you rather she masturbate when you don’t understand her hints, or have her sexual frustration building up and adding to her emotional frustration?