Okay…let me begin by saying, we have an extremely good, very satisfying sex life.
However, I have complained a few times before to my dear and loving husband that I always feel like if I don’t start things then nothing happens.
He has told me that he doesn’t want me to feel as if he is some sex crazed man always after me and I don’t. But it would be nice every now and again if I didn’t feel like I had to ASK for The Sex.
I have explained to him that in my opinion, most men would be very happy if their SO wanted sex on a fairly regular basis and that he should jump on the opportunity (well…that was an interesting word choice) every chance he got.
I also told him last night when we had this discussion that I was going to post this question and find out what others thought about it so before people say I shouldn’t post without talking to him first…I did.
So, ladies/gentlemen do you feel like you are always the one in your relationships who has to initiate The Sex? If so, why do you think that is?
Your situation sounds a lot like my first marriage. We were definitely mismatched in the sexual realm. I honestly think he would have no problems being celibate for his entire life.
For us, it became a source of conflict because I did always have to initiate. And he would insinuate that I was using sex to feel loved. Um no, I wanted sex because it FELT good.
But I digress. That was then, and now the future Mr. Contrary is quite the hornball and is great about initiating all by himself.
I think my SO would probably have the same complaint. But hey, can I help it if he’s a big old horndog who doesn’t even give me a chance to initiate it?
Seriously, I don’t know that this is a big issue for us (unless there’s something he ain’t telling me), but I feel your pain–the last guy I dated would initiate much gropin’ and grabbin’ in public (when there was no way I was getting down and dirty), and then would practically recoil from my advances in private (in fact, I’d usually get booted out the door as soon as things started to heat up).
Boy was I glad to meet Skip, who up to this point has been more than happy to get it on with me (but we’re married now, so we’ll see if this continues . . . ;))!
YEP - Sounds like my marriage. Take note. I am a DIVORCEEE. I just couldn’t take it. When I did initiate very often I was rejected. My current relationship is nothing like that.
I just don’t initiate, because I don’t get the feeling he’s all that interested, and I hate feeling rejected. So we pretty much have sex when he feels like it, around once a week. I don’t think he doesn’t find me attractive, I think that’s just as often as he has the energy for it.
However, I am generally up for sexin’ all the time.
I’m not currently in a relationship, in most of my past relationships, I have been the one to initiate sex most of the time. Can I help it if being on birth control pills makes me hornier than a lonely truck driver?
However, I usually found that past SOs loved that I initiated sex WHENVER I WANTED IT! hehehe…
No, not at all. It has certainly been the case with a few of my other girlfriends, but not the woman i’m with now. Both of us are comfortable initiating sex, and we have very compatible sexual appetites.
Nah. There are times where I want it and he doesn’t, and there are times when he wants it and I don’t (though, due to having an annoyingly high sex drive, the former are a skosh more common). But, most of the time, we either both want it and get it, both want it but don’t have time to get it, or both want to go to sleep. Sexual compatibility is fun :).
I tend to initiate more especially now because he doesn’t want to badger me for sex if I feel like crap. (At almost 6 months pregnant I tend to feel like garbage often)
But when I do ask the answer is always yes
Right now with a toddler who doesn’t always sleep very regularly we’re back in teenager mode sneaking sex when the kid’s at grandma’s or asleep. Those times it is a mutual initiation thing … really we both just understand that it’s now or never so lets go!
He initiates it more than I do, but that’s generally because he’s just the first one to mention it, not because he wants it and I don’t. There have been times when I’ve tried to start that he’s not interested, but that’s probably because I keep odd hours and for me, 3 AM is definitely time for sex. For him? Not so much.
I am currently in a sexless marriage. By sex therapist standards, a sexless marriage is one where sex happens 10 times or less a year (or so I read recently, sorry, find your own cite). I knew my situation was bad, but not that bad.
So, in keeping in the pattern by the posts so far, do married women want sex more than married men?
Are a vast majority of marriages where each member of the couple has a different level of sexual appetite doomed for failure?
Am I doomed for divorce?
BTW, my wife’s libido was actually quelched by her pills, not enhanced, as the rumor goes.
You are suffering from a popular misconception: that men want sex all the time, and if they don’t there’s something wrong with them. See this thread for a discussion of this very topic.
Otherwise, i have little to say about your own situation except that maybe you should look for other reasosn for your man’s reluctance. Maybe he’s under stress, maybe he doesn’t get enough sleep, maybe he doesn’t like rejection. Hell, there could be a million reasons other than “he doesn’t love me,” but for some reason this is the conclusion women tend to always jump to. (Sorry, got off-topic with that last part.)
I should add that I don’t really see what the OP’s complaint is. If he’s not actually turning her down when she asks, then what’s the big problem? So she gets it whenever she asks, she just doesn’t like to ask? Boo-fucking-hoo. A lot of people would take that situation over what they’ve got, including me.
Oh, poo. Don’t be such a stick-in-the-mud, Contrary! It wouldn’t be the SDMB if people lost the will to be snarky.
I know what you’re getting at, but you’re forgetting the OPer said from the very beginning:
She then goes on to complain about the sex life she said was “very satisfying”! Doesn’t that seem a bit strange? It makes me suspect she’s not being honest, either with us or herself, about how she really feels.
What you said above: “the other says no or oh ok I guess so,” does not apply here. He’s not saying no, nor does he really seem to be reluctant. But the OP’s own contradictory statements make it impossble to determine if there even is any kind of serious issue, or if she’s just being a bit petulant about having to do any initiating. If it’s the latter, then I really have no sympathy for her.
Yes sometimes I feel like I’m the main instigator. But like Pepperlandgirl the time of day we most want sex is a bit off. I would love to have sex in the morning. She would love to sleep till noon. It’s a good thing I’m into necro.
Maybe I was off in my OP. I don’t feel unloved. I know there are not hidden reasons he doesn’t want to have sex. He enjoys it a lot…I can tell…I’m there.
I’m not going weeks without it. Quite the contrary. I just feel like I always initiate it and I would like him to every now and again.
And ** Chicago Faucet ** I really feel for you. Have you and your wife talked about this? Tried talking to a therapist?
My hubby’s ex-wife would go MONTHS with no sex and it drove him crazy. She was a very cold woman and basically made him feel as if he was raping her rather than 2 people enjoying the intimacy of one another. It was a MAJOR reason their marriage fell apart.
I guess I’m not really “complaining”…just asking if anybody else feels like this in their relationships.
