I have been dating this guy for over a year now. We are in our very early twenties, so our libidos should be at a high. We recently moved to a new state and everything seems to be going well. We haven’t had any issues in or relationship. Basically, what the issue is; when I want sexual activity he doesn’t “notice” and when he wants it; I’m all game.
Example of what I mean: I can literally walk around in panties and a bra and there’s no reaction to be held. I can literally sit on his lap, put my hand in his pants and try to become physical and still no reaction.
The other day I asked if he wanted a (BJ) and he just responded with “sure” without any excitement. He constantly makes an excuse when I try and initiate anything, and basically right before he knows that I will try to (ex: my stomach hurts, headache, tired) And also on other occasions he claims he didn’t know I was trying to start something when I confront him about it, when I’m being very obvious (ex: kissing his lower waist above his underwear line, kissing his neck, etc)
However, when he wants sexual activity, he’s fine. He initiates it and he’s all game.
Weird things: sometimes in the middle of the night he randomly wants to do it. Literally, waking up at like 3am and try’s to do it with me.
There’s some times where he’s barely even hard when we do it.
I am fit, thin and curvy, haven’t changed a bit from when we started dating, he always says how he wants to marry me,and I’m beautiful. he isn’t cheating because we are literally together 24/7. He isn’t watching porn either, I know this because we are together 24/7. So what’s going on??
How can we know? You need to talk to him and address this. You need to tell him what it makes you feel. Constant rejection will make you feel unattractive and unsexy. And you need to come to some common ground. I have no problem in telling couples, if you love each other, sometimes it’s OK to have sex even when you’re not really into it, provided the other person is respectful and loving. Good, giving, game.
You can only get answers out of him. Personally I broke up with a boyfriend who was similar to this. I don’t like being rejected all the time for sex, it made me feel pretty terrible.
Also, the mods will change the thread location, don’t worry about that.
I really appreciate a response. I don’t want to break up with him, but honestly… He’s 20, he should be a little more “into it” especially if he claims he’s still into me like that… I know many people that have offered so why doesn’t he want to? It just feels crappy.
By the gods, a thousand times this. It may be messy, it may be awkward, it may be uncomfortable, and it may lead to you breaking up at the end of it all, but the only way you’re going to get any measure of certainty in this matter is by communicating directly with your boyfriend.
Asking the Straight Dope why your boyfriend doesn’t want to have sex with you any more (or, more specifically, why he’s not interested when you try to initiate sex) is like asking an orthopaedic surgeon why you have double vision. The orthopaedic knows a lot of things, sure - but this is hardly the appropriate field of expertise.
Well, there’s your problem. Ever heard the expressions “familiarity breeds contempt” and “absence makes the heart grow fonder”?
Seriously, he might just have a lower sex drive than you, and lower than what you think he should have.
Or maybe he wants to break up and doesn’t want to come right out and say it, so he’s trying to scrape you off this way. Maybe he’s gay and using you to look straight. Maybe he gets his jollies from watching you throw yourself at him and rebuffing you. The only way to find out is to ask him.
An anglerfish, that’s cute. No it’s more like; we just moved to a new state, no friends, we don’t know where to go out to. When we lived in the prior state, he was the anglerfish, while he was able to go and be with his friends, he hovered and came with when I saw mine.
I’ve been with my other half for 20 years and we talk our way through everything and there are still moments where I’m not sure what he’s thinking. He keeps a lot of stuff close to his heart, and sometimes isn’t sure what he’s thinking either. No one’s perfect. But when we talk about things - and I hate to be trite, but “I feel” statements are best for this - even if we don’t come to an immediate resolution at least we have discussed it, and the wheels are turning.
Don’t go to him in an accusatory manner, but it’s perfectly acceptable to say “this isn’t working for me. is it stress? moving to a new place? Do we spend too much time together? Are you not happy with me?”
If he brushes you off or doesn’t give you an answer, you can say “I need to know, please help me see what you are thinking and feeling.” If he still brushes you off, well, you kind of got an answer there.
Anxiety and depression (as well as some medicines for same) can really kill your libido. I’ve been there, even in my early 20s. Just losing an erection (or trying hard to barely get a semi) around gorgeous and willing young women can really be traumatic for guys. Which can make the problem worse, because next time sex is initiated all he’ll be thinking about is “can I do it? or is this going to be another awkward failure?” which ramps up the anxiety and increases the chances of just that.
My advice is to not put too much pressure on him. Be supportive when he doesn’t feel like having sex with you, or if he does, but can’t get it up, or else loses his erection halfway through. Don’t make him feel like a failure, or a huge disappointment. Tell him to talk to his doctor about getting ED pills, or else take a chance on ordering them off the internet somewhere.
And finally, talk to him about pleasing you even when his dick doesn’t work right. Have him give you head, use his fingers, buy a sex toy, whatever, but make sure he knows that just because his boner is temporarily out of service doesn’t mean you don’t deserve some pleasure, intimacy and attention yourself.
Ask him what his problem is, and don’t settle for “I don’t know” as an answer. Tell him how rejecting you makes you feel. If he cares about you, he should make an effort to correct his behavior or tell you what’s going on with him. Many men are oblivious to obvious sexual initiation, but if even a rock would see the signs if you’re walking around in your underwear and touching him. Something else is going on, its more than just him being oblivious.
