Alright, this is a bit of a “sticky” topic (pun intended) and I apologize, but I really do need some sort of advice…
I’ve pretty much been ‘living’ w/my boyfriend for the past 3 months. I use the term ‘living’ loosely because he hasn’t officially asked me to move in with him, and I’m not on the lease. That being said, I went looking in his computer desk for a business envelope to mail some paperwork off in (I SWEAR to you all, I wasn’t snooping). I open the top left hand drawer to find a pair of his stuck-together underwear and a jar of vaseline. Obviously, I know what he’s been up to, as I’ve seen some of the porn on his computer. I could understand why he’d do this if he came to me for sex more often, but couldn’t give him enough; but he rarely ever initiates it, and now I know why.
Obviously, this must be addressed. He’ll probably get pissed off at me, but that’s too frigging bad. Any advice as to how to broach this touchy subject? Is this even “normal”?
Porn is easier. It’s a lot of work to make love to someone properly, and sometimes one just doesn’t want to go to the trouble. No worries about pregnancy, either, or “bargaining”, or rejection, or proper timing.
Perhaps I’m getting the wrong impression from your post, but it seems as though you might be saying that you expect him to be the one that always initiates sexual encounters; maybe he’s not comfortable with that, or he finds it a bit of an uphill struggle - perhaps it seems to him as if you’re not interested.
But I might have grasped entirely the wrong end of the stick.
Just wash the damn underwear, and bring me a beer while you’re at it.
Opps, sorry, thought I was at home.
I honestly find it hard to believe the whole thing, that he’d leave them laying around in the first place, and that you, while looking for an envelope, could ascertain that they were indeed sticky without doing a physical inspection.
I’d treat it like a sore penis, and not f*ck with it. Instead, address the “why don’t we have sex more often” aspect, and mebbe he’ll bring up his “other” interests.
Bittersweet, if you’re going to insist on a relationship with a man who doesn’t masturbate, you’re going to be a lonely person. 90% of all men admit to masturbating on a regular basis and the other 10% lie about it.
I’ve addressed the “why don’t we have sex more often” aspect, to not much avail. I don’t want him to be the one that always initiates it, but I am, 9 out of 10 times, the one who does initiate it. If I had my druthers, I’d rather him come to me instead of spanking to porn in the first place, and trust me, I am never one to turn sex down.
What’s wrong with masturbation while in a relationship? Just because I’m engaged doesn’t mean I’m going to stop, and I certainly wouldn’t expect my SO to quit. It’s just another, equally legitimate form of fun, as far as I’m concerned, and by itself it doesn’t necessarily reflect poorly on you at all.
Given that the situation seems to be more than just “he masturbates and I don’t like it” you might want to sit down and have a frank discussion about sex in general. What does he want? What do you want? What can the two of you do about it?
Sometimes a guy just wants to crack one off very quickly, without all the hassle of foreplay, cuddles, seeing if the lady’s in the mood, etc. I wouldn’t feel worried about this - most blokes still have a good old tug even when they’re in a relationship. Some chaps bash the bishop as much in a relationship as they would out of one. I wouldn’t worry.
Let him do his thing…alone. If he’s not giving you enough attention, sexually speaking, that is more than likeyly and entirely differnt issue that has nothing to do with masturbation. If you don’t think your getting enough…ask him why he doesn’t want to have sex very often…leave what he does on his own out of it.
People talking on here about masturbation being easier than sex are touching on what seems like the truth the me: masturbation isn’t sex, nor is it a replacement for sex. Masturbation (for this fella anyway) is something totally separate, more akin to stress relief than sexual activity.
I think the lack of sex and his masturbating are most likely two distinct issues. They could have the same root cause (a fetish not being fulfilled, as someone else mentioned), but I seriously doubt that his jerk off habits are the cause of your sexual dry spell.
The masturbation is not the problem. His lack of interest in initiating sex with you is the problem. I suspect you’re tempted to think of this as a rejection, i.e. he’d rather have sex with himself in front of the computer than with you. That’s a mistake. There’s nothing wrong with masturbating when you’re in a relationship, for all the reasons already mentioned. It’s not a rejection of you, or an indicator of his preference.
However, you seem to have issues with him about your sex life. If you feel it’s a problem, talk to him about it, but focus on the relationship. If you bring up the masturbation, it’s going to give him the impression that you think his erections and orgasms are your exclusive property and he’s stealing them from you, which will probably make him feel defensive and smothered. He won’t stop doing it, he’ll just hide it better. By talking about your sex life, you might be able to improve communication and end up in a better situation for both of you. Or you might find he just doesn’t want to as much as he used to, and you’ll either have to deal with it or break up with him. Incompatible libidos are a pain in the ass.
Dan Savage is a little harsher than I would be, but the core of what he’s saying is true. Guys masturbate. Even guys in relationships. If that scares you or makes you feel inadequate, sorry.
That said, leaving his underwear where someone could find it definitely shows poor taste. Dan Savage has also made the point before that when you wank off, it’s not hard to be discreet about it, and it’s sort of common courtesy to do so. Leaving crusty underwear in a desk drawer is just plain gross. That’s just not thinking. You might want to tell him that you stumbled upon a pair of his underwear while looking for an envelope, so you threw them in the laundry. If you say exactly that and no more, he may get the hint - don’t leave your jizz-crusted undies in your desk drawer, dumbass!
The fact that he almost never initiates sex isn’t a good sign if you ask me. Particularly since you say you’re happy to go almost all the time. I really don’t know the situation, so I’m speaking totally out my ass here, but to me it sounds like maybe he’s not really that interested in you. Either that, or what Bosda said - he’s got some fetish that isn’t being satisfied.
Hard to say what the right thing to do in this situation is. I would recommend talking to him about the lack of sex, but you’ve already tried that and it didn’t help. You can maybe try it again, maybe if you want to give him a hint, toss in that you’d maybe like a little more than you’re getting. If he seems puzzled when you say that, you may want to tell him straight out that you would like it if he’d come on to you more often. Don’t have to be mean about it, but let him know. It’s a difficult subject, and egos on both sides are easily bruised. Try and be kind about it if possible. But don’t think it’s completely your fault either - he has to put in a little effort to make things work as well.
That’s my extremely out of the loop, armchair $0.02 anyway.
-Ben
Perhaps he’s not actually masturbating, but rather, he has several festering boils due to an allergic reaction to his underwear. The stickiness could simply be the boils themselves, combined with the vaseline he uses to minimise chaffing. He could be embarassed for you to see his drawers, for fear that you would conclude that he has a terrible incontinence problem, and leave him. He might just be stashing his underwear until he can discreetly get them washed. I would not bring it up to him, as he is probably very self conscoius about this malady.
Maybe I’m just seeing this wrong, but I don’t see the masturbation as the real problem, here. I see the lack of interest in having sex with the OP to be the problem. To me, that’s a pretty clear signal of much larger issues with the relationship than whether he masturbates, or not. And, if Bittersweet has already attempted to address this, and it hasn’t had any effect, it’s probably time to move out and move on, IMO.
So you’re living with hime for 3 months, but he hasn’t asked you to “officially” move in. And he would rather jack off than have sex with you.
I’ll leave the conclusions about that up to you.
Hell, any self respecting internet porn perv would surely rather get a quick hummer than try to deal with Vaseline on his mouse ball! Any room under the desk??
But leaving jism-encrusted underware in a desk drawer?? WITH a jar of Vaseline?? Man that is just wrong. Does he not have any Kleenex?? Paper towels?? Something he can flush/toss??
You need to find a boyfriend with more whack-savvy, no doubt about it. He’s not charging you rent, is he??
bittersweet- “*I could understand why he’d do this if he came to me for sex more often, but couldn’t give him enough; but he rarely ever initiates it, and now I know why. *”
Lack of interest in sex with a particular person does not necessarily indicate lack of interest in sex overall.
If your boyfriend is a slob I really doubt that there’s much you can to change his behavior.