Nor does it necessarily indicate a lack of interest in you. Talk to the man. Try to avoid getting all ultimatumey (sorry, too much WB…).
Everyone else will kill me for this idea, but:
Get into his computer and figure out what’s he’s into. If it’s some fetish you can accomodate, maybe both of you would be happier.
Of course, bringing this up in a way that doesn’t point attention to your snooping is the hard part.
“slimeball” citybadger covers head and ducks
Hmmm.
Q: He doesn’t want sex with you?
A: He’s not interested in you sexually.
Q: He’s careless about where he leaves the evidence that he is jerking off?
A: He doesn’t care if he offends you or hurts your feelings.
Q: He hasn’t asked you to move in after 3 months?
A: He doesn’t care to have you live with him full-time.
Conclusion: Leave. Now. This boy doesn’t want you for any type of reciprocal, loving relationship. Could be because he’s too young. Maybe you’re not really his type, just a convenience around the house. Are you doing the household chores, even though you aren’t officially living there?
Leave. Dump him. Now.
“whack-savvy”. Bwa ha ha ha! Thanks, Duke!
As long as we’re all discussing bittersweet’s relationship, I’m curious.
What exactly does this mean? Do you spend nights at your boyfriend’s residence but you have another residence which is officially yours? You live with your family when you’re not at your boyfriend’s? You live exclusively at your boyfriend’s place but you’re not paying rent?
Don’t be rash or jump to conclusions here… stay calm… don’t panic.
I would just talk to him about your sex drives. It could just be that his sex drive is lower than yours, not that he’s disinterested. My gf and I have different sex drives (mine’s lower perhaps due in part to age difference and relative work stresses, etc.), but as long as you’re not totally far apart, it doesn’t seem like a big deal. In fact, assuming we’re still together, when she’s 33 (near her peak), I’ll be 40 (about 20 years past my peak). We’ve joked that we’re going to have to get her a couple extra boyfriends just to keep up. It’s not lack of interest, it’s biology.
Also, if he likes to explore personal fantasies/fetishes, then maybe you can find a way to share in them. If he would rather explore that side of himself on his own, then give him his space so long as his fantasy doesn’t interfere with your sex life to the point you are unhappy.
Talk it out, but don’t bring up what you found. Allow him his privacy and dignity. If he wants to share, he will. Even in a relationship, each person should be able to “do their own thing” and maintain their privacy and individuality to some degree.
If you value this relationship, DO NOT INVADE HIS PRIVACY by snooping through his internet history or other stuff. Show him trust and respect. He should do the same for you.
If you want to know, ask. Ask him to share his fantasies with you. Don’t make him feel like initiating sex with you is a chore under some kind of mandate. That will backfire.
If you find after a discussion that you are sexually incompatible, then consider terminating the relationship.
Bittersweet - You’re initiating it 9 out of 10 times and he’s masturbating… That means he is interested in sex, but not with you. Have you gained some weight lately? Maybe you don’t just turn him on anymore…
I meant “Maybe you just don’t turn him on anymore”
Sounds like Bittersweet’s boyfriend is letting his peak slip right through his fingers.
Masturbating is great practice for when a guy gets married. So maybe he plans to marry you?
Mary, is that you?
Thank you, Dr. Laura for your astute observations.
She said he didn’t initiate sex on the same frequency she does.
She went into his desk(Yes, she wasn’t snooping) and he probably didn’t think his sex accoutrements would be found. A bit stupid, but not necesarilly overtly or covertly cruel.
Some men have a hard time with formality and committment. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t want her there. It also doesn’t mean he does want her there.
Direct honest discussion is needed without blame or attack.
Find out where things stand and what the boundaries are.
:smack:
Move out. Now. Along with the issue of “sort of” living with him for three months, there’s the big problem of SCUM-COATED Undies in a desk drawer. What!? That’s just no good.
Dirty underwear on the floor, that I could sort of hope to change. In the desk drawer? What? Ick.
If you decide to stay, for your own sake, buy a box of tissues and leave them near the computer desk.
bittersweet:
How old are you? Men masturbate regardless of how much nookie you give them.
As someone stated above, sex is not effortless, and it is tiresome. He spanks it because at the time, he does not want to deal with you.
Now get off of your high horse and leave the boy alone. Women are not the only thing to get off on.
Could be has a low sex drive, although the masturbation makes that seem a little unlikely.
Could be he isn’t interested in you. This could be for a lot of reasons, including being upset with you. Perhaps he’s annoyed that, despite liking you, he can’t get away from you since you’ve moved in without him asking. Or not; we don’t really have the details there. Or, maybe he’s just not interested. Did he used to initiate sex?
Or for all we know, he’s not initiating sex much because he thinks that’s what you want. Some guys want to make sure not to pressure their partner for sex, so they never initiate. If you’re initiating frequently, he may think that things are hunky-dory.
Or maybe he has better orgasms from his hand. After all, he knows exactly how he likes it, right? Which is not to say he necessarily likes masturbating better than sex, nor to say that you need to improve your technique. Sex has a lot to offer that masturbation doesn’t, but if all he wants right then is for his willie to feel good, he’s probably the one to do it.
Or, perhaps he’s only now realized that he’s gay. He’s still willing to have sex with you, but he cruises the web to find photos of hot young men performing lewd acts, then whips out the vaseline and encrusts his underwear.
You could probably come up with all sorts of weird theories. Or, you could talk to him about initiating sex more often, which is the only actual problem you mentioned.
Err, the crusty undies in a desk drawer is a problem too, but it’s a problem of him being disgusting, not a relationship problem.
Have you tried saying to him “If you ever want a quick, no obligation blow job, just ask.”? Could work wonders.
Mockingbird, thanks for that. Cinnamongrrl, three months? :eek: Maybe its’ just that I’m in college, but the SO and I are coming up on six months and there’s no way I would move in with her. Not yet.
Okay, so you found sticky underwear. Some guys have an object they prefer to catch their cum in. I use an old shirt, but I keep it in my laundry basket in my room. Then again I do most of my masturbating their, so its convient. Maybe that’s just his convient spot. A bit odd, but that’s him.
Masturbation by itself has nothing to do with sex, in my experience. Its not like he’s pouring out all his horniness into the underwear. Maybe he has a problem stating his desire.
If you take anything from this thread take what I’m going to say and what others have said: talk. Discuss. Tell him how you feel honestly. Talking is the first step on the way to a better relationship. If he won’t talk, then maybe its’ time to leave.
Please let us know what happens.
By the by, vaseline? Ick. After your talk visit a local adult shop and get some astroglide or at least a Walmart for KY jelly. Vaseline? I could see lotion in a pinch, but vaseline? Its’ so sticky. How could he get up to full steam on his little fellow with vaseline?
Did he tell you not to open his closet door? He may have Rosie
Rubbermaid in there to justify the vaseline. Maybe she forgot to put his dirty used undies in the laundry basket.
You need to cover all bases before making any rash moves.
Bittersweet:
Sorry to be graphic, but perhaps your man has a slight – ahem --longevity problem? Maybe he’s practicing to last longer for you. Just a WAG… Could explain his lack of initiative.
And yes, I speak from experience. And no, I preferred K-Y.