Please tell me I'm overracting... (relationship advice, TMI)

In My Humble Opinion
1

I need some help dealing with my own feelings in this situation.
I know Mr. Armadillo masturbates. Frequently. When we were on opposite sides of the country, it was several times a day. Since we’ve moved in together the frequency has declined, but it’s still nearly every day. I know, intellectually, that this shouldn’t bother me, and it wouldn’t–if it didn’t interfere with our (mutual) sex life. I feel like it does, to some extent.
For him, masturbation is not equal to, doesn’t replace, sex… it’s more like an itch that needs to be scratched. He feels like it’s an addiction, to some extent. It’s not as though he’s all worked up and needs to “take care” of the situation, it’s more like he feels the need to masturbate and he does.
I have the libido of a sixteen year old male person, I’d have sex with him twice a day if he wanted. He doesn’t. For a long time, we were having sex around once a week. We had a Long Talk about this a few weeks ago, and he said that he feels as though he’s been sort of taking things for granted, and not putting enough energy into our sexual relationship–the times we did have sex, I’d instigate something like 90% of the time. I would also attempt to instigate several times a week and get turned down most of the time. Since then, things have improved in that we’re having sex with something like a satisfying frequency, several times a week. I’m okay with that. I fully realize everyone has different “needs” when it comes to the frequency of sex, and I certainly don’t expect him to meet my level of desire. He’s a very considerate lover, and does all the right things, but even still I very rarely (translation: almost never) orgasm.
Here’s the part I’m having trouble dealing with. In the last week or two, he’s masturbated twice immediately prior to me coming home from work, and the night before last, he did it three times while I was in the bedroom watching a movie. I freaked out about this. Last night as we were going to sleep, I asked him if he was really working on his presentation. He said yes. I knew he was lying, and I told him that while I knew he doesn’t always feel like he can talk to me about this subject–his masturbation and porn habit, he feels a lot of shame about it and always has–I do not appreciate him lying to me. I tossed and turned for a little while and then slept on the couch. I felt like I had to get out of the room.

I feel very, very bad about this. I know he couldn’t have answered me truthfully at that moment, being put on the spot about that, and I’m sorry I put him in that situation, like I set him up to fail. Does that make sense? I told him so already, and apologized for putting him in that situation.

I absolutely do not want him to feel as though I am asking him to stop masturbating, that’s not fair and it’s in no way what I want. Masturbation is a normal and healthy thing that everyone does. I do. I don’t want to make him feel as though he needs to hide it from me, or feel shameful for doing it. Hell I’d be happy if he masturbated in bed with me, or let me get him off, in the times that he doesn’t feel up to sex but just needs to get off. I wouldn’t be upset about it if he was doing it when I’m not around, at work or whatever, or even when I’m asleep, but I’m having a very hard time not feeling angry, upset, hurt that he does it twenty minutes before I’m due to walk through the door, or while I’m in the other room, perfectly available and happy to participate.

It upsets me that I’m hurt by this, and making it known to him. I also feel as though by doing that it’s only going to make the situation worse–as though he’ll still do it, just work harder to keep it from me, and make him feel even more like something he’s got to hide from me. I don’t know how valid my feelings are, or how I should be reacting to these things.

I’ve been agonizing about posting this, but there’s no one I can talk to in person about this. Thanks for listening.

2

Um, I also feel like I should add that I like porn myself, we have a subscription to Playboy and would have a collection of videos, except that they’re so damn expensive. It’s not a situation where I am upset at him for looking at, or masturbating to porn or something.

3

I don’t have any great psychological insight into the hows and whys of this issue, but FWIW (and we are in IMHO), you’re perfectly justified in the way you feel. If his masturbation is having an impact on your sex life, then it’s a more serious issue of just whacking because it relieves the tension or you’re busy or don’t want sex or whatever. Turning down real sex for masturbation seems to indicate other problems.

I think you’re right to be concerned.

4

I agree, because of this

If he’s feeling shame about masturbating (and always has) it seems he may have issues that have nothing to do with you, yet it’s affecting the sexual relationship you have with him. It’s also appearing to affect the trust you have for him if he’s unable to discuss this matter with you. I would suggest that maybe he seek counsel or that you both get some professional advice about this situation.

Coming from someone who knows what it’s like to be with someone of unequal sex drives, I feel for you. I hope the situation gets resolved…happily…for you both.

Yogini

5

Masturbating is normal and healthy. So is consuming pornography.

Masturbating and/or consuming porn to avoid problems, and lying about it, and acknowledging that there are aspects of addiction attached, and feeling ashamed, and allowing it to interfere with one’s relationship is neither normal nor healthy.

He needs the same sort of counseling that one would get for any other compulsive behaviour.

Sex Addicts Anonymous may be an appropriate resource.

6

Quote:

“He’s a very considerate lover, and does all the right things, but even still I very rarely (translation: almost never) orgasm.”
Others have already made good points, but I’d just like to say that the above situation would bug the hell out of me. I do realize that there is more to good sex than orgasms, and that you most likely assure him that you are happy regardless of whether you have one or not. Nevertheless, we all internalize the idea that orgasm is the main point, and that may contribute to his reluctance to instigate sex and feeling that it is more work that it is worth.
Aside from that, it sounds like he’s really a stress case, for whatever reasons and may be using masturbation to deal with that. It’s better than booze, but it doesn’t seem to be making either of you happy.

7

This is really just specualtion, but one statement in your post really jumped out at me:

I’m not pointing out this statement as anything that’s YOUR fault, but it could be that he feels inadequate and insecure because he feels like he can’t bring you to orgasm. One of the advantages of masturbation is that he’s free to focus on himself and his own needs and fantasies; therefore he doesn’t have to worry about how you’re doing and whether he’s doing something wrong.

Do you have orgasms when you masturbate? It’s unclear if you are having trouble having them at all, or if it’s just with a partner.

So, I would encourage you to sit down with him and have a really honest conversation about why he feels the need to masturbate when you’re available for sex. And really listen to his reasons without judging him. Ask him if if he feels any insecurity or inadequacy when it comes to your orgasms. Find out why he sees masturbation as a shameful thing. I agree that counseling might really help in this situation.

8

Ditto. I’d really look into couples therapy. Why do you have difficulty having orgasms? Why does he compulsively masturbate rather than having sex? So, is he seeing sex with you as a chore? Now don’t get me wrong… Sex is lovely, but sex without orgasm is just exercise. And watching your partner go bonkers is half the fun. Is he subconsciously withholding sex because you are subconsciously withholding orgasm?

(My best friend has never had an orgasm. Married, mother of 3, she has totally wrapped her sexual self-worth around giving birth. Now her back is destroyed and she can’t carry a child without horrible pain and not being able to walk. So she doesn’t want sex - ever. Sex was just what you did to get pregnant. They’re going through counseling and even if it doesn’t help her have orgasms, it’s helping them have healthier sexual outlooks.)

9

Have you tried participating in his masturbation, masturbating him? (and having him masturbate you). If you can do this together, it will break any taboos of fealing either of you have over the act, and will often lead naturally to the sex you crave. I susspect he is somewhat ashamed of his masturbation (something taught unfortunately to children to be ashamed of) and also rather used to it. But from my limited experience and reading, men are rarely good at masturbation trying to get it over and done with as quickly as possible. Lots of games can be played where you get him to the peak, then ease up just to repeat again and again until he finally explodes. Depending on your relative psychological makeup you could also try dominance games, where you require his action at your bidding, this can convert a feeling of shame into a very orgasmic feeling of being controled. Tell him when he can masturbate, and when he can’t. Order him to do it at odd times, phnoe him up and require him to go to the nearest restroom and do it. Make it all a sexy game.

10

I have never found it helpful to assign blame for lack of orgasm, regardless of how subconscious that blame is. Not having orgasms does not reasonably translate into “withholding” them.

11

Thanks for all your replies. To address a few things, with the orgasm issue, I’ve never orgasmed easily, on my own or with any partner. I honestly don’t think I have any hang-ups about it, I really enjoy sex, have a huge libido, and have a great time with him–regardless of the fact that I rarely orgasm. We’ve talked about it extensively, he knows it has nothing to do with his skills or whatever, and when I said he does all the right things I really meant it. He knows I do enjoy our sex life very much. It’s great sex, I just don’t orgasm.

We had a very honest conversation a few weeks ago about why he feels the need to masturbate. What it comes down to is that for him, masturbation is not about sex, it’s just something completely separate. He feels the need to masturbate, and then he does. Most of the time he’s not even fully erect or anything, it’s not the same thing as wanting sex and masturbating to satisfy that desire. He feels this shame attached to masturbation because he feels as though he does it way more often than what’s considered “normal”, he’s tried to stop or reduce the freqency on his own in the past, when he wasn’t in a relationship and it didn’t work. One reason I don’t necessarily feel as though it’s connected to our sex life or my (in)ability to orgasm is that this has been an issue for him since he was young–not something that’s cropped up since we’ve been together. As I said, he feels as though it’s an addiction–but again, completely unrelated to sex. He would not ever cheat on me–never. I’m extremely comfortable in that. His need to masturbate frequently does not translate to an infidelity issue or something where he’s thinking about or persuing other women.

DeVena said:

I don’t think that’s true–sex without orgasm is still great sex, just without orgasm. I do go bonkers, our sex is fun and noisy and messy and tremendously enjoyable. I don’t think I’m subconsciously witholding anything–I’ve never been able to orgasm easily, with a partner or on my own.

Bippy said:

Oh yes, lots of all of the above. Sex often involves one or the other of us masturbating ourselves, or each other. I love and I do mean love, giving him head and masturbating him. Seriously, I’d happily give him head practically every day, and that usually involves masturbating him to some extent. I’m one of those women who enjoys giving head as much or more than receiving it. And I’m a champ at the peaking and easing up game.

And Otto, thanks for your last comment.

Thanks again everybody.

12

Sorry, forgot about this. He doesn’t do it at random times, he says sometimes he feels the urge at work but he just thinks about other things and it goes away. He masturbates when he’s at home, in front of the computer, when he comes home for lunch, or at night after I’ve gone to sleep–again, in front of the computer. According to him, he never does it, you know, in the bathroom at work or something. Always at home.

13

This is kind-of what I was getting at. He seems to have desexualized (is that a word?) masturbation, and I think that may be a bad thing. By introducing a bit of domiance play or similar you could start making the masturbation sexy for him again. Go for a week where he isn’t allowed to touch his dick, he has to ask you to masturbate him, and make him ask nicely (or beg if you like this sort of thing). I feel that if you feel masturbation is bad, but cannot avoid it (like most men can’t, and I susspect many women) it becomes a self defence to make it a non-sexual activity, a releiving oneself, rather than an enjoying oneself.

14

Hmm, very interesting thought. I think I’ll talk to him about this tonight if I get the chance.

15

I think Bippy’s point is the most germane here. It quite easy for a man with ready access to stimulaitng porn to become aroused and satisfy himself in a virtually non-erotiic, “itch scratching” way, and yes this can get to be a habit, and a difficult habit to break as it affordable, feels good and does not involve a lot of effort. It’s sort of like watching sports on TV or a having a distracting hobby.

Making love to an SO, on the other hand, is an entirely different kettle of fish, sexually, emotionally etc. it involves an entirely different of mental gears.

Where the two can overlap dysfunctionally is where beating off gets to be such a habit here is little libido or true animal desire left for the SO. If a man is beating off once or twice a day it is unlikely he’s going to have a lot of real animal passion or desire left for his partner and this can seriously erode a relationship.

A man with an available hot wife needs to keep his hand off his penis until he’s satisfied her. It sounds like your husband has his priorities backwards and quite frankly he’s not being considerate of your needs. If he’s claiming an addiction it’s because he does not want to quit doing this for you, and is telling you the decision is out of his hands.

Flip it around. How would a guy feel if his wife never wanted to make love because she was buzzing away with a vibrator evertime he left the front doorstep. He’s be pissed and you have erery right to be also. I look at this as kind of a martial deal killer. Getting someone to break a wired in porn habit is very difficult.

Good luck!

16

If you guys are open and adventurous enough to go for Bippy’s ideas in regard to dominance play (it sounds like you probably are :)) and you don’t think it would confuse the issues further, it’s probably a great idea. Dominance and submission are natural ways to get past the shame associated with an activity.

That said, as a guy, I find masturbation quite different from sex as well. Masturbation is about physical urges, but also about a completely selfish opportunity to focus on yourself, to relax, et cetera, and the most open, natural, happy sex life in the world still involves focusing more on another person’s needs than on your own. They may involve the same essential biological reactions, but mentally, they’re wholly separate and I can’t imagine giving up the self-love just because I was in a relationship.

Of course, as with any healthy way to blow off steam, it can be done to excess. A glass of wine or a beer after work is great, but coming home at lunch to have a beer, followed by two or three at the end of the day, and then waiting for the S.O. to go to sleep to have a couple more? That’s a problem. He’d probably benefit greatly from therapy, couples or on his own, but whether the lack of intimacy is a result or a cause of his masturbation is hard to tell.

It doesn’t sound to me like you’re overreacting. You sound put together about this as much as anyone could be - you’re patient with him, you’ve been talking, you haven’t made any over-the-top demands to give up masturbation or porn (it amazes me but some women actually do that to their boyfriends.) You’ve put up with a lot here and you’re well within your rights to insist on seeing a counselor about this. Your own relationship needs aren’t being met, and they should be. And I suspect I would probably feel pretty rejected in your situation, and that might be something to examine as well.

Good luck. I hope you manage to come to some mutual understanding here, and that your relationship improves.

17

:slight_smile: We’ve sort of danced around the idea from time to time–I’m not sure I could pull off the dominant-type role, I’m more of a subbie type myself.

I’m not sure if I feel we have a lack of intimacy–one result of four years’ worth of a long distance relationship is that we communicate about every minute little thing… except for this. Do you mean physical intimacy? Upon preview I’m a little unclear what we’re talking about.

Thanks, I hate to keep repeating myself, but I really do appreciate the time and advice given to me in this thread. I think I’m going to settle in for a talk with him about Bippy’s suggestions regarding the whole de-sexualizing of the masturbation issue–the more I think about it, the more that seems to strike a chord with me.

If anyone has further suggestions, I’d be happy to listen.

~mixie

18

I heartily agree with this; I’ve dealt with some of the fallout from a pornography addiction (or compulsion; call it what you will), and it can be a life-wrecker. Also visit Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous; they’ve got a program based on AA’s twelve steps.

If he won’t talk to them, talk to them yourself; this problem is not simple. Not to downplay others’ suggestions, but advising you to “try spicing things up in the bedroom” is going to be about as helpful as telling a clinically depressed person to “try to cheer up.”

19

I have to say, you’re a far more patient woman than I am. Third or fourth time he’d turned me down because of how much he was jerking off, I’d have gone nuclear on his ass, especially if it was the third or fourth time that week.

As others have pointed out, masturbation is a pretty standard part of a normal, healthy sex life, but this isn’t normal at all. Masturbating to the exclusion of any sort of partner sex, sneaking around, lying about it–all those things are signs of a really serious problem.

What I really wonder about, though, is the fact that he has brought up the whole addiction/compulsion angle himself, but has done nothing about it. If he really, truly believes this is an addictive/compulsive behavior (and it sounds as if it just might be), why isn’t he trying to get help? Does he not really think it’s addictive behavior? Does he think it is addictive behavior but isn’t a problem? Does he think there’s no help out there? Is he embarrassed to seek help? To me, his behavior is like an SO saying, “I’m an alcoholic, and I guess you’ll just have to live with it. Grab me a beer, would you?”

20

It almost sounds as if he’s masturbating in order to avoid having intercourse, which is kinda odd, at least from my POV. I could definitely see where I would feel rejected if my partner preferred self-stimulation than anything I could give him.

Some thoughts come to mind: Is it possible that your high libido is intimidating to him? Some men think that a horny wife would be incredible, but there are also men who are turned off by such aggression because they think it’s “unfeminine.” Date the slut, but marry the lady kinda thing.

Are you constantly asking for sex? I know when Mr. Pundit pressures me for sex night after night, it is a great turn-off. I don’t want what is supposed to be a mutual thing turn into a nightly battle in the bedroom.

Another thought: Not being able to bring you to orgasm may be bothersome to him. He might feel inadequate and thus want to avoid intercourse altogether. Have you discussed whether this bothers him?

I also agree with others who suggest couples therapy. For whatever reasons, you both have some sexual issues in the relationship that need to be addressed and ironed out.