Secret confessions of the orgasmless (TMI?)

This is becoming a theme.

Last night we had sex after not having it for three weeks. I took his hand and was leading him up the stairs and he said, “I have to go fix my coffee for tomorrow.” I dropped his hand, sat on the stairs and told him that I give up, that I’m not going to try to start anything anymore. It never leads anywhere and just makes me feel crappy. And then he acted like he was crying and I felt bad. And then he started kissing me and wouldn’t let me go away when I tried.

Yeah, this is my love life. Hot stuff, huh.

Not that it wasn’t good. It was really good, except of course unfulfilling to me (the way it almost always is). I haven’t had an orgasm with him since late May, and it’s September now. That’s a long time. And he doesn’t care.

I’ve talked to him about it. I have told him that I will almost instantly have an orgasm from oral gratification or vibrating toys. He hasn’t given me oral for a very long time, and the toys have been lost. Or, at least, he has put them somewhere and I haven’t had the courage to ask him where. I had to screw up my courage to get them ordered to begin with, and now I must screw up my courage to ask where the damned things are.

It’s very difficult to admit that I have needs, somehow especially difficult with my husband. I grew up in a household where my parents hardly ever kissed; where the sex talk lasted a bare fifteen minutes over the course of my whole life: “The sperm fertilizes the egg and you have a baby. Don’t have sex.” It’s hard for me to even say the word orgasm. I misspelled it a couple of times, to begin with, because the word looks so foreign to me.

So I’m telling all of you. Why? Well, EVERYONE on this forum tends to spill their guts out, confess secrets of the sort that would make Alice Cooper screech like a little girl. And I know what y’all are going to say—that I need to buy myself an 18” double-headed ice-blue jelly dong and cream myself into a quivering heap.

Thing is, I’d love to do it with my husband. I’ve told him how to do it. I’ve told him that I needed to have it. He ignores me 20 days out of 21, and the one day we do have sex he doesn’t try to give me an orgasm at all. I’m more of a once-a-day person—both the sex and the orgasms. Four months is a bit long to wait.

So anyhow. I know there’s no magic answer for this. I’m telling it to everyone because I needed to tell someone, and I’d rather not tell anyone I usually confide in. So if anyone wants to share in the misery and feel all sorry for yourself, please join in the thread.

Umm…not to ask impertinent questions but your OP didn’t give a lot of background re the emotional and interactional dynamic between you and him.

1: What was he like before you got married?

2: Has he changed physically or attitudinally?

3: Have you changed (significantly) physically?

4: How old are you and how old is he ?

5: Does he (possibly) have a girlfriend ?

6: Is it possible he’s bisexual or gay?

7: Is there reason he might be wanting to distance himself from you emotionally or is angry at you?

Or, just on the off chance that this isn’t about Elysian – might he be (clinically) depressed? Is he particularly stressed at work?

Goodness, so many questions! Sorry about little background, I thought I was just sharing, not that anyone would try to fix problems!

1: What was he like before you got married?
The same, except we didn’t see each other much, so when we did we would have sex. I thought that meant that we would have sex every time we saw each other, not every few weeks. The frequency hasn’t changed.

2: Has he changed physically or attitudinally?

3: Have you changed (significantly) physically?

4: How old are you and how old is he ?
I’m 27, he’s 30.

5: Does he (possibly) have a girlfriend ?
No, I’m certain of it :slight_smile:

6: Is it possible he’s bisexual or gay?
No, not at all.

7: Is there reason he might be wanting to distance himself from you emotionally or is angry at you?
Nope. This is just the way he is.

twickster, no he’s not stressed. His work is fine. He may be clinically depressed. He has tons of anger management problems.

After years of nagging (which is not fun for me either, let me tell you) I finally got him to go to the psychiatrist. He didn’t talk to the psychiatrist about his problems, said he was “ashamed” to admit he got mad a lot. Typically guy stuff. He went to talk to the counselor a handful of times, and he hasn’t been since. It’s been about a year.

I hate to nag him, so it’s probably not going to happen again.

What I really wanted from this thread is for others to share about their abysmal orgasm-free lives, so I wouldn’t feel so alone. The whole thing makes me want to cry. It’s been this way for years and I feel powerless to do anything about it. I feel I have done all that I can. I want to give up.

I once had a BF like that, more or less…

He was a computer programmer and had his own business. I worked regular day hours, and went to bed at least 2 or 3 hours earlier than him. Unless I actually did the approaching we didnt get laid very often. I figured out he was so focused on his programming, it never occured to him that he could come in, get laid and then go back to programming afterwards and I would just go to sleep…about the only time he started the process was on weekends when I could manage to keep awake until he was ready to turn in to bed, then it would occur to him to get romantic…He never really managed to get it into his head that I also didnt mind getting laid when he came to bed, I always woke up when he came in, so it wouldn’t have been any inconvenience to me=\ I was already awake.

I think the main problem in your case is a combination, he has a different sex drive level, one on a longer than weekly basis rather than more frequently [had a bf who was on a 3 day cycle, more or less=)] combined with a reluctance to change his particular style. He may have also grown up in a home where it wasnt discussed.

Only suggestion I can possibly make is order more toys. Would watching an x rated movie help? get him hot and refuse to do anything until he gets you finished first orally or with a toy?

No, a 20DSJESV [sup]1[/sup] will suffice. Heck, it should be unassuming enough that he won’t feel threatened by it.

But regardless, don’t let him hide it from you!

[sup]1[/sup] 20-dollar Silicone-jacketed Egg-shaped Vibrator

If your husband isn’t willing to do any counseling, maybe you could do some on your own?

And, if I were you, I totally would buy my own toy, and hide it somewhere he can’t find it. Then take care of yourself. If he isn’t at all willing to give you an orgasm, that doesn’t mean you should do without. And even people who regularly have mind-blowing sex with their partners masturbate by themselves.

If it’s comisseration you want, well, as I got older, I became harder to stimulate. Or, realistically, I went from being an insanely horny teenager/young adult to something a little more normal. It is a very painful transition for my husband, because from his point of view, he went from being able to bring me off with almost any kind of stimulation to having to work at it, and really needing some coaching from me to get the job done. It was a big blow to his ego, even though we’ve gone through the whole, “It’s not you, it’s me,” thing about a million times. To add to the fun, he’s got this notion that we should just intuitively know how to please each other without having to talk about it, just like the old days, and he gets very frustrated if I try to discuss technique—before, during, or after.

We’re still . . . working on it. Probably not as much as we should, but hell, it takes so much energy.

Holy crap. He most likely took your toys away?!

I’m speechless. He knows what pleases you and yet he essentially forbids you from having that.

If you’re too embarassed to order another toy, get a back massaging “wand”-style massager. One of those with a big vibrating head on it, the ones they sell at regular stores. Lock it up if you have to, or use it on your back (or his) when he’s around so he won’t suspect anything.

Otherwise, what Podkayne said.

Wish I could help, but as a single guy myself I am rather puzzled at this behavior married men sometimes have.

At this point, every opportunity I have get nookie I am not going to pass up.

So when the attractive woman I met on a cruise asked me if I wanted to fool around, while I was drunk, exhausted from dancing for three hours, and seasick, I told her, “Race you to the room!” :smiley:

Oh, ouch! That really sucks! My husband, I think, feels the same way, that he gets frustrated when I talk about what I want because, darn it, he knows how to please a woman. What it means in practice is vaginal sex and hope for the best.

I don’t want to order any more toys! I want the ones I had! They are probably around somewhere, I just have to either go snooping or get brave and ask. I have one of those silicone things (nice aren’t they?) and that’s missing now.

aruvqan, I think he’s a little like your computer programmer boyfriend. I get the feeling he’s got his routine and just doesn’t want to vary it. That was the “but I have to make coffee!” comment. His next task was to go fix coffee, and I was interrupting. I’m not as important as coffee! AIIEEEEE!

Other than the sex thing and his anger problems, our relationship is everything I could ever ask for. Isn’t that always the way? There’s always some fly in the ointment.

You could do what I did in similiar circumstances: ditch him.

That’s not entirely tongue-in-cheek there, but seriously, he a) knows it’s important to you and b) doesn’t care. Girl. Please. He’s NOT going to change on his own, and he doesn’t seem motivated to do what you want, either.

If he knows what it takes to get you to orgasm, and won’t do it, he’s basically saying it isn’t important to him. So…you need to decide how important it is to you. You can buck up, ask him where the toys are, or buy new ones, and take matters into your own hands, as it were.

My sympathies. BTDT, got the t-shirt, the whole deal, and man o man, does it suck (well…he wouldn’t do oral, so I guess it didn’t, then). My ex had no sex drive, and turned me down about 90%+ of the time. When he would agree, he’d be done in less than ten minutes, and I had to do all the work-- he didn’t like to do foreplay, so I very rarely pushed for that-- I had an orgasm maybe 20% of the time, if that, which would further serve to piss him off, and like an idiot, I accepted the blame for that.

So, after too many years of that crap, I left him, and this year, met someone here who has, um, taught me many lovely new things. Mmmmmmmm. :smiley: There are good, caring, intelligent men out there who are also superb lovers, and don’t you deserve one of them? You don’t need to put up with this. I really, really think you need to sit him down and say “look, this isn’t working for me” and lay out your reasons. If you can’t do that, he can pretend to be oblivious. This removes one of the outs.

I went through counseling myself. It only served to strengthen my resolve that I needed to get the hell out asap. There were a lot of other issues, but the sex life part was definitely a factor.

Incidentally, I’m 29, the ex is three years older than me.

Do not ask. Demand the toys be returned.

Then I’d suggest a trial seperation. I think some time apart to think on whether the relationship should continue would be wise.

Oh no, I’m not going to dump him, or even ask for a separation.

However, you guys have really helped me make a decision. I am going to go to a counselor with or without him. I am (deep breath) going to sit down with him tonight, ask where he put the toys, and then tell him we need to go to a counselor.

Then, unless I chicken out, I will tell him that I haven’t had an orgasm with him since May, and that’s just not cutting it. Then I will see what he says!

Gee, I feel a little embarrased and pleased at all of your responses :slight_smile: I know you don’t know me at all, but I can’t help feeling that you all care a little. That makes all the difference in the world for me :slight_smile:

IANASC (I am not a sex conselor) But can I suggest one?

Dan Savage. Savage Love.

No I don’t think the linked column will be much help to you. Or will many of his columns which deal with weird fetishes and diapers and whatnot…

But the great thing about Dan is his unwavering belief…well, in sex for one thing…but more specifically, in the right of a person in a sexual relationship (and I fervently hope marrigae counts as one of those) to certain expectations of their partner. If you feel like chickening out, read some of his stuff :>>>>

Don’t feel apologetic about…it’s you’re right…and if you don’t believe me or Dan, it’s also in the code of Hammurabi.

betenoir, great post. Mr. Savage gives good advice. Equally as important as the advice for lovers to be willing to try new things is his insistance that the lover has a right to feel safe, and thereby refuse risky requests.

And his 4 big no-nos; pedophilia, scat, necrophilia, and bestiality! I like to think that the people I want to associate with are on board with me as being against those issues!

What? Some of you here disagree? :eek:

Well, if it makes you feel better, you’re not alone.

I don’t know the situation, nor do I know either Elysian or husband. I wonder if maybe part of the reason that he hid the toys is that he’s got some hurt feelings over not being able to do what he thinks should be a natural?

How does he feel about oral in general? Some people really don’t like it on either end, some are really squicked out by giving it.

Could there be something at work there?

I think the counseling suggestion is good, and I also think that Elysian needs to have the toys. I also understand how she feels about having an unfulfilling sex life, and can understand that it might also hurt his feelings if he perceives her use of toys as a ‘substitute’ for him.

Ultimately I think both need counseling, but if he won’t go, you can’t force him. Still, should get some counseling for yourself and don’t feel guilty about masturbation.

Maybe instead of making him feel bad, it might interest him if you were using your toys and then he joined in a bit later.

Sorry this is happening to you, and I hope you can find a solution. Sounds like a very complex situation.

At the risk of sounding like a doofus, uh, what’s scat?

And what’s the big deal with necrophilia? They’re dead, they don’t mind.

Ely, why exactly are you so dead set against leaving him? Not that I’m saying that’s the answer (I am not a sex therapist, nor do I know you well), but I see it as somewhat unsettling that you dismiss the possibility out of hand.

Don’t take that as an insult… I just wonder why exactly it’s an absolute no-no.

I’m guessing that Dan Savage would tell you to DTMFA–dump the motherfucker already. He knows what’s important to you, what makes you happy, and he doesn’t give a rat’s scabby ass. That, to me, is the most damning thing you can say about a romantic partner. Part of loving someone is making their happiness a priority. Not necessarily your top priority, I think your own health and well-being needs to come first, but it certainly ought to be on the list somewhere.

It’s sex play with feces. Never a bigger need for a barfing smiley, after typing that sentence.

Dan Savage is pretty good, but I’m more a fan of Andrea Nemerson. She gives good advice and is often funny as well.