Need some advice about sex life problem

In My Humble Opinion
1

Hiya all,
E (My Wife) and I are having some problems with our sex life. (I have E’s permission to post this and ask for advice, I wouldn’t do it otherwise)

A little background may be in order:

E has been married before and has had a few partners. I was a virgin until I married E. E was 8 weeks pregnant when I met her. We have been married nearly 9 months and have been living together for nearly a year. We are also both rather large people - which puts a hold on many of the positions that are “available”.

(this is told from my point of view and so may be a little biased)

Our Problem:

I am the world’s fastest lover :slight_smile: the intercourse part is all over in about 1 minute (or less. the record is about 10 seconds.). I do lots of cuddling, kissing, touching and saying sweet nothings before intercourse, but it does not seem to do much for E.

E, on the other hand, seems to take forever to orgasm. It can sometimes take up to 10 minutes of intercourse for her to have an orgasm.

Anyone seeing a problem here?

I have tried Zoloft, mastubating before going to bed, different positions - I have even tried oral sex, but after a few attempts, I decided that it wasn’t working - especially after E told me that oral sex has never done anything in the past for her at all.

Back when we started living together and E was pregnant, I could, without any other help, make her orgasm purely through intercourse. After the baby was born and there was the period of enforced abstinence, I seem to have become like I was the first few times we had sex. Although admittedly, (way back in the dim dark days) the second night we had sex, I made her orgasm (yay!!) :smiley:

A few months ago, my GP put me on Zoloft for a mild depressive condition. That was not too bad, as the side effect of Zoloft made me able to make E orgasm again. After a month or so, I decided that the Zoloft wasn’t having any affect on my mild depression and with consultation with my GP went off it. Well, wouldn’t you know it, I was back to a 10 second wonder in less than 2 days. This went on for about 3 months, and E finally asked me to start taking the Zoloft again so that she could enjoy sex again. This I did and after a couple of days was back to being able to get her to orgasm again. But this time it only lasted less than a week - I was taking 100mg Zoloft once a day, and I was back to the 10 second wonder again.

So I went of the Zoloft again, chatted to my GP about our problem and he said that I should use the Zoloft to make E happy - which I have done. The problem is, the Zoloft no longer seems to have that side effect anymore.

I tried masturbating a while before going to bed and the having sex - it worked the first time, but hasn’t worked since.
People, I am at my wit’s end here. I know I am not, after only a year of living together, going to be a porn star in endurance, but it is distressing E who is getting sick and tired of 10 second wondering :slight_smile:

Is there any ideas out there? I have had a brief look through the Karma Sutra but nothing in there jumped out at me, I don’t really want to take this problem to my GP again, as he will probably tell me to increase the amount of Zoloft, rather than anything else.

We could really use some advice / suggestions / whatever, as after our attempt tonight, E burst into tears after I orgasmed but she didn’t.

Thanks all

Lee

2

How old are you? If you’re still in the “peak” years, that might be part of it. Also, have you seen your doc and ruled out any medical causes (I’m a girl, so I might be off base here), like infections?

At any rate, any decent sex manual will explain “start and stop” techniques with which to start fixing your 'problem". I think one of Dr. Ruth’s books has it.

I don’t remember the whole thing, but it involves starting, and then stopping as you find yourself approaching orgasm. You stop until you’re back to the “starting” position and then start again, if you feel yourself getting ready to “pop” again, you stop until the sensation passes. You will need to practice this for a few weeks and you will gradually get to where you can control it better.

Also, you say you masturbate beforehand, do you do so all the way to orgasm? And then still have premature ejaculation during intercourse?

As to your wife, things (body chemistry etc) may have changed during her pregnancy to cause her to be “slow to react”, though the ability to have an orgasm after only 10 minutes and with no clitoral stimulation isn’t very common. And that is according to Masters and Johnson, where only about 25% of females can attain orgasm through intercourse alone.

As to her “not liking” oral sex, have you two discussed it thoroughly? She may just be shy and feel cautious and unsure about it, as in “am I clean enough, is this boring him, am I being selfish, do I look fat from this position” etc. If it’s NOT that she’s truly one of the few who just doesn’t have a desire for it, then a good discussion(or more than one or ten, :smiley: that’s the way we girls are, sometimes we need lots of reassurance) with her to set things straight and get that girl to happyland.

Good luck, and I’d definitely check out some books that will give you more scientific and complete advice.

3

Have you tried introducing any toys into the bedroom? At the risk of sounding like I’m passing judgment, from your OP it seems like you’re both a little—and please don’t take offense—tightly wound in the sex department. If you’re embarrassed to be seen in a sex store, or you don’t have a local one to visit, there are plenty of places on the 'net you can shop for things.

Talk to each other about desires and wants, and what would make each other feel good and comfortable. Communication is such an important part and many people forget to keep the open lines going.

But perhaps the introduction of some “marital aids” might assist with making things easier.

4

That would have been my advice. Introduce some fun sex play beforehand.

Make it fun and take the pressure off (HA!). Then see what happens.

5

No offense, CanvasShoes, but that “start and stop” stuff doesn’t work, not for the woman, anyway. She “cools down”, too, when you stop. Not everyone, of course, but you get the idea.

What I’ve found to be effective, but difficult, it to keep going after orgasm. It keeps the woman’s momentum up, plus you get a multiple!

6

Oh, yeah, thinking about sports during the act doesn’t help, either. It just means you’re thinking about some football player when you cum, not your lovely partner…:eek:

7

There are products out there for desensitizing yourself. Do a google search for ‘prolong gel’. That should point you in the right direction.

8

There are lots and lots of things to do other than intercourse (and other than oral sex) that may (a) keep you going (ie not make you orgasm), and (b) be more interesting for her. Try an evening of expressly just fooling around, with a strict NO INTERCOURSE rule. That way you can figure out what really gets her motor running and at the same time keep your own motor in check.

9

If this is becoming such an issue, perhaps the both of you should see a sex therapist.

You seemed to stress the issue that your focus is “on getting E to orgasm.” What you seems to have is simple performance anxiety, which is curable. Perhaps E can help herself to orgasm with your assistance with the use of toys, fondling, etc. before intercourse.

You may find some positions more suitable, and less stimulating to you and more for her. Fun to try, anyway.

Other things to consider - wear a condom, even if you don’t need to for any other reason. As mentioned, you can try some numbing lotion for you (requires a condom, as it will work on her as well if you go-in bare).

Try to think of something else other than “making her orgasm.” This will take the pressure off.

Instead of masterbating beforehand, try abstaining for a while. Believe it or not, I’ve found that this gives me more “staying power”, so to speak. And it may help her be quicker.

Regarding start and stop - when stopping, its not be necessary to pull out. If you are on top and about to climax, try (slowly) going as deep as you can inside her and press firmly with your hips, riding your whole body up a bit higher than normal. Then move with very quick and short very short, not even thrusts. This will probably not work for you stimulation wise, but if you can get your pubic area rubbing against her clitoris, may keep her “on the boil” so to speak while you catch your breath.

You may want to try to come as close as you can to climax without doing so, then stop yourself. Do this enough times and you’ll find it harder to the final time. At least that sometimes works for me.

Good luck - remember, not all women can orgasm from intercourse alone, especially all the time. Take your time and enjoy the journey rather than focusing on the destination. This is a mental thing, trust me.

10

My wife and I have a similar situation, down to both of us being larger-than-average people. Having children really changed my wife’s abililty to orgasm quickly. I’m going to be explicit because the subject, IMO, requires it.

Things we do:

  1. Relaxing behavior before bed (Glass of wine, snuggles, quiet time, etc.) She, especially, takes her stress to bed and it makes it difficult for her.

  2. More foreplay - focus on the journey rather than the destination. See #3.

  3. Introduction (slowly at first) of sex toys. Buy them together, choose smaller, tamer ones at first. Check out Xandria for a nice couple-friendly site/catalog. When visiting out of your hometown, visit a shop if you want anonymity (sp?). This is nice because you can see firsthand the items. Simple lube (KY liquid from the grocery store) changes the way her clitoris responds to my hand.

  4. Experiment with different methods of bringing her to orgasm. Most women are more clitoral than vaginal.

  5. Sexual positions. Yes, us large folks have less options but there’s a couple. I last longer in some than in others. Unfortunately, those that are best for my wife are really good for me so what really turns her on makes me last the shortest time. It also doesn’t help that my wife’s increased excitement is itself a turn-on for me.

Good luck and feel free to ask questions.

11

Toys are fun for you both. She’ll get an orgasm and you’ll have fun watching then getting yours afterward. Role-play, if you’re comfy doing stuff like that, to add some spice. Be silly, take some pressure off the experience. Tickle and cuddle, and have FUN! Give her an hour or so of foreplay before you penetrate. Try a porn movie if she’s comfy with that.

Go out and shop for sexy things together. I liked seeing couples shopping for toys in my store more than seeing the single guys getting movies or mags.

12

Here’s some info that might help:

13

I think you are giving up on oral sex way too soon. Learning to do it right takes patience and practice, but it is nearly always the most reliable way to give a woman an orgasm. Many women can’t climax at all from intercourse, and for many of those who can, it takes longer.

Do some reading to learn about different techniques, and then practice, practice, practice. Don’t make her orgasm the goal that determines success vs. failure, just try to learn what feels good. Take your time and experiment. Get your hands involved. Watch and listen to her responses, so you’ll learn how she reacts without her having to narrate. Have her tell you what she likes and doesn’t like.

It’s really worth learning. Once you get good at it, your wife will think you’re a sex god. Your performance anxiety will likely disappear, since your orgasm will not automatically mean she doesn’t get one. And you’ll have a new hobby. It’s win-win!

14

And try not to think about Giraffe’s sig too much.

Not having anything useful to add, beyond having had the same issue (ie. I get off on knowing she’s enjoying herself, so when I’m doing it right, she starts arching and clenching and moaning and all that, which turns me on too much, which means I can’t keep going much longer, and… “oh, I’m sorry, babydoll. Give me like five minutes, would you?”) I wish you luck, and second the numbing lotion/desensitising condom option.

15

Another way to take the focus off of the performance anxiety is to have an evening devoted to the other one - no intercourse, no orgasm for you. All of your attention should be focused on sensations for her. Learn her body and learn to read her responses, and all she has to do is lie back (or sit, or ??) and enjoy it. You get no attention at all during this time - it is all about her. Then, some other day, it is your turn to have her focus only on giving you pleasure.

The idea of having a no-sex play night that cowgirl suggested is also a good one. Don’t worry so much about the big finish. Have fun - isn’t that the (w)hole point? :slight_smile:

16

How about wearing a condom? I know that that desensetises me to the point where sometimes I have had to stop because it was taking me too long and she had already reched climax once or repeatedly and was starting to get sore.

17

LeeJam you can get a lot of info by just googling for “premature ejaculation.” Something in particular that you said makes me think a trip to a sex therapist is warranted. The fact that your wife would ask you to go on an antidepressant so she can orgasm is a bit distressing to me. Especially since their are so many other avenues to achieve the same result. Sorry to say that but I gotta chime in. I never had a problem with PE before or after I started taking Prozac, but it was quite the nightmare when I went off it. I had trained myself to concentrate hard on orgasming and it was tough to break the habit. FWIW, if you do decide to go the antidepressant route, try another one. Each one has a different sexual side effect profile and they all work differently on different people. Even after being on Prozac for years I got the side effects when I switched to Zoloft.

18

Thanks all,

E hates condoms and lubricant - they are more of a turn off to her than me farting in the middle of the act :smiley:

We are not sure about the “toys” route, neither of having ever thought of that before. Perhaps we will go into a adult shop next time we are in the “Big Smoke” (our capital :slight_smile: )

Just a quick note about the drugs issue. At the point that E asked me to go back on the drugs, it was after about 3 months of 10 second sex. Not good for either of us. The drug don’t affect me in any other way other than that - so I thought it was safe to go back on them again.

Unfortunately, I do not know of a sex therapist that visits our little town and it is too far to go to the capital for visits unless we are going for other reasons.

Other than that, I don’t know what else to tell ya’ll.

19

Well, DUH :smiley: sorry I forgot to add that you’re supposed to keep her going with touching and/or the aforementioned toys. sorry, of course you wouldn’t just stop cold on her.

But I had no idea that the start stop stuff didn’t work.

20

Seriously, what kinds of lubricants have you tried? KY is disgusting, don’t get me started. Astroglide is much nicer in terms of texture – it feels a lot like what’s… naturally there. (it can be purchased at Target in the same area where they sell condoms, and it comes in a plainish purple box that does not scream “sexual aid.”)