I have an embarrassing problem. I have a new girlfriend and I seem to be unable to orgasm during sex. Sorry if that seems blunt, but I am not sure how to sugarcoat it.
This is the first GF I have had in about 4 or 5 years. We have had sex…a lot. After the first few times I seem to be completely unable to orgasm. She does everything I could ever ask of her, and I am extremely attracted to her. I mean she is fucking gorgeous to me, and I have loved her for over 10 years now, but have waited until she was single to try and have any type of relationship with her.
Full disclosure: I am 37 (don’t know if this may be normal for guys my age), I am over weight, but not extremely so, I smoke, and I drink quite a bit. I have no idea how much any of these things may factor in but figured I’d mention them up front.
With my last GF I was around 32 y/o and still had all of the above listed vices, and never had a problem orgasming. But with this new GF We can be having sex for several hours and I never climax. It is to the point now where I just call it when I’m ready because I am too tired to continue…no harm no foul.
Is this normal?
If not, what can I do to try and resolve the problem?
Googling reveals that there are medical issues that can cause this problem, but I feel fine otherwise.
I am really starting to worry and feel very self conscious about it, even though my GF says it doesn’t bother her.
Any ideas as to what I can try to do to fix this? When I masturbate I have no problem orgasming, and as I said…I am very very attracted to my GF and have been for many many years. She is absolutely beautiful to me, so it isn’t that I am not attracted to her.
You said you orgasmed a few times in the beginning - was even that difficult?
Being female, I can’t speak to your particular equipment, but I can tell you that if I masturbate very frequently, eventually it’s easier to do that than it is to come during sex, even though an orgasm during sex is usually much better. Many people are more “efficient” about orgasming while they’re masturbating, which can often mean much more pressure on the genitals than you’d normally get during sex.
That’s my theory anyway. How often do you masturbate? Perhaps you could hold off a bit for the gf?
That was my thought as well. Perhaps you’ve become so used to your own, tight grip for masturbation that sex just doesn’t do it properly for you? Google “death grip” and “Dan Savage” for his tips on how to overcome it - which basically boils down to “mix it up, use a light touch, don’t masturbate like you’ve been doing, and keep trying the method until you can come without the death grip.”
Honestly…I did masturbate frequently while single and suspected that as the cause. I have decided to not do that for a while and see if it helps.
And overlyverbose, I did not have this problem the first few times we had sex. This started about 2 months ago.
It’s just kind of embarrassing and I’m worried she may start to worry that it is due to her for some reason. I’ve never heard of a guy having this problem. I’ve heard of women not being able to orgasm, but it had always been a given that guys get off.
I’m a female in a relationship with a guy who has the same problem you do, and I can at least assure you that if she says she’s cool with it, she’s cool with it.
Now, this doesn’t mean that she won’t keep trying to get you to get off because now it’s become a challenge to her. And it doesn’t mean that she doesn’t feel bad for you, because she does. But otherwise, she’s cool with it. You’re satisfying her.
My guy and I are pretty sure his problem is “death grip” and I also think he’s got some psychological issues behind it as well.
Do you ever try to get yourself off with her in the bed, after she’s been taken care of? That’s usually what we do and he can’t always finish but he’s very keen when he does.
Do try to relax about it, though, because the more it upsets you the further away you are from being able to make it happen.
Nope. No medications. Everything I take is over the counter on an “as needed” basis. (things like Tylenol or NyQuil when I’m sick) ZipperJJ, I have gotten myself off once after she had finished as we layed in bed. It was nice, but not nearly as nice as when I finish during sex. I agree that my anxiety over the situation is probably just making matters worse, but as I feel like I am getting close I notice that I focus on it more and more and then it just never happens.
Just adding my voice to agree that it’s normal. Cut down on/reduce the intensity of masturbation, and relax. Enjoy the sex you’re getting rather than focusing on the orgasm.
Not that it’s necessarily the cause, but cutting back on the smoking and drinking couldn’t hurt.
Ok then, yes I regularly drink and smoke about a pack a day. When I say “regularly drink” I mean that on average I will go through about a half gallon of bourbon or scotch a week, just having a few drinks at night when I get home from work. I don’t get hammered, but I do get a slight buzz usually.
She’s been a fantasy for you for a long time, and you’ve built her up in your mind. Now that you’re actually with her, it’s possible that you’re feeling pressure to have a fantasy-level experience with her. That mental burden is getting in the way of your completing the experience at all.
I had considered that, but the first few times we were together it wasn’t an issue. But I don’t know. It may be that as well.
ETA: I also want to say thanks to everyone for the responses so far. It is really making me feel better to know this problem isn’t as rare as I thought it was. I had honestly never heard of this happening to a man.
Used to happen to me a lot, especially (but not exclusively) if I was conflicted about what we were doing. With one woman, I could finish by hand or mouth but not vaginally, so we’d get me very close to the edge and then I’d switch to p-in-v and finish that way. After a while it got so I didn’t need to be as close to the edge, and so on, and so on. (Quoth she: “You’re getting this screwing weighed up, aren’t you?”) FWIW, I was in my mid-20s at the time. At least I could count on my erection to appear at the drop of a hat (well, not a hat exactly…) and stick around as long as it was needed.