I have great difficulty achieving orgasm during intercourse. Also, no one has ever been able to perform oral or manual sex on me to climax. I have no trouble when I do it myself however. It annoys my wife and considering how oversexed I have always been, I felt very ripped-off to discover that I didn’t like sex. Any thoughts on how to overcome this? I have already tried not masturbating for a while.
Thanks for your help,
Rob
I actually had this problem when I first had sex, and it really bothered me because I always thought that the sex problems involving guys had to do with orgasming too soon, as opposed to not at all.
One possibility could be the way you masturbate. I had heard that guys that masturbate a certain way (prone, rubbing the penis on something like a matress/pillow) have a much harder time orgasming because they get ‘desensitized’ or something.
Even if that isn’t the culprit, I would say that masturbation is often an ‘easy’ way for guys to orgasm, because they know exactly what kind of pressure to put where, etc. When a penis is in someone’s mouth/vagina/rectum, the feeling is much more…subtle in my opinon. That doesn’t make it worse, it just takes getting used to. I’d find ways to work it out with your wife, try role playing/explore other avenues of your intimacy, etc. You might find a way that works for you.
You ought to read through the archives of columnists like Savage Love and Andrea Nemerson. It’s an education, I tellya. Your problem is discussed fairly often (the answer from Incubus is consistent with what you will mostly read).
Unfortunately, both those links are broken.
Thanks,
Rob
Sorry about that, don’t know what the problem is. Anyway … Dan Savage’s column can be found at www.thestranger.com
Andrea Nemerson’s URL is, I believe www.alt.sex.com
Google either one of them, though, and you will quickly find your way to their columns, I’m sure.
The links worked fine for me.
COMMUNICATE!
You’ve got to tell her (or show her!) what you like… how you like it… and for how long you like it.
Discuss, practice, roleplay. But, most of all, have FUN!
Try not masturbating for even longer. Like 2 weeks. But if you have something like internet porn that you masturbate with, keep looking at it without actually orgasming.
In addition to communicating, stop making orgasm a goal. In fact, timebox intercourse to, say, 10 minutes, during which you will not orgasm. That way you can focus on the pleasure rather than the pressure. And if you have sex often enough, stop masturbating altogether. Make your wife your only source of pleasure until you get used to her.
I sometimes have this problem, especially when with a new partner. Since you can achieve orgasm solo, that pretty much rules out any physical cause. That leaves mental reasons, which are normal but more troublesome to deal with. In fact, “Talk Sex with Sue,” just addressed this very same issue. The following are some things that could be throwing a monkey wrench in the works:
-loss of control. Orgasm is a very powerful thing, and it’s sometimes scary when done with a partner.
-performance anxiety. This one is huge, and is usually the reason why I fail to finish the job. If I think I’m doing sex poorly or if I make simple mistakes like pulling out and fumbling to get back inside, then I get really nervous. The way to combat this is to communicate more and think less, during sex that is. Try to get into the moment and let yourself go. If I find myself having anxiety during sex, I try to mentally image myself as being engaged in a mystical, carnal, orgy-esque act. Hmmmm… it’s kinda hard to explain.
-history of being abused as a child. This one is rare, but boy can it mess up sex for people.
-Guilty conscience (from religion/society/whatever). Some members of my faith think I’m going to burn in Hell, so if that’s your situation too then it can also lend more anxiety to sex.
I guess in summary my advice is to go with the flow, and communicate with your partner. Hang in there!
Are you on any meds? Especially anti depressants? There are some meds that tend to delay orgasm and are also prescribed by doctors in those cases where a man complains of premature ejaculation, the latter being the more common problem. Other than that, as Autolycus said, it is all in the mind.Somewhere something in the mind is perhaps interfering with your sexual functioning. It might help to talk to a doctor/therapist.
Jeez, we don’t have to torture the poor guy!
I have the same issue, especially with a new partner. Once I get used to being with a specific woman I relax and feel like I can trust her I have really good orgasms.
I have found not masturbating and waiting for sexual relief until I’m with my lover helpful. I agree about not making orgasm a goal, but rather concentrate on pleasing my partner. Nothing will keep me from coming like telling myself “OK, I gotta come this time.”
Also it helps to have all other areas of the relationship running smoothly. If I’m keeping a secret from my lover or if I’m angry at her that makes it difficult to come.
Well it’s priming the pump, so to speak. 
I used to have this problem. Remember you’re in this for her pleasure and yours. Personally I can do missionary for a while but don’t usually get as much pleasure from it as I do doggy. So I start off missionary, then something els, and usually finish up doggy. But because I got more used to my gf, I can finish missionary too. I found with missionary that riding higher up makes it more pleasurable for both of us, and deep circular grinding is a good one too. And I cut way back on the masturbating, it’s too easy and makes you less horny.
Seriously, you need to do something to get used to orgasming with this girl, so look at porn or whatever to get horny, and then turn your attention to her. Worked for me, now I don’t need the porn to get turned on because I’m used to my gf.
Sorry for bumping/hijacking this very old thread, but this is the best result from google that has some serious responses and I’m facing the same problem.
I’m pretty tall (2meters) and have trouble penetrating hard and long enough to cum. For example with missionary I find leaning on my hands and knees while pushing/pulling my dick really heavy (and can’t do it long and fast enough to make me cum). My GF is pretty skinny so I don’t want to put too much weight on her. And her vagina is pretty tight around my dick (most of my friends think this is a very good thing) so when I accidently pull it out takes me some effort to put it back in (costing energy).
I’m not able to do it as fast and good like this guy does it (this looks like an experienced couple, not some overly trained porn star):
NSFW[spoiler]
http://www.redtube.com/756543[/spoiler]
I guess I’ll just practice it with her and try not to kiss her too much while doing it (my GF loves that and wants it all the time but I noticed kissing takes my breath and that doesn’t improves my performance lol).
But thanks for the tips here and if anyone has more tips please post them 
Hi Wave,
You missed a chance in your opening say something about ‘bumping uglies’ in your first line!
Actually, wanted to say ‘reported’ to let other Dopers know not to inundate the mods with alerts and to say why (because bare ‘reported’ posts can come across as chaffing): There’s a two-click rule for posting NSFW links.
Oh sorry, not really aware of the rules (and I see that I can’t remove the nsfw link, can’t edit my post anymore somehow)
Try the “prone bone” sex position.