Sex Advice Needed - Way TMI

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

This is a horribly awkward subject to post, but I really don’t know where else to go for advice of any kind.

I have been having sex with my boyfriend for almost 6 months. He was the first guy I ever slept with.

I have never had an orgasm during sex. During other things, but not sex. It doesn’t bother me that much, but he is kinda disturbed over it. He has had other girlfriends and it’s never been a problem, so I don’t think it’s him.

Could this be a physical problem? Psychological? Or just the way I’m made? Anyone?

2

I’m no expert, but it’s probably nothing to worry about. It’s extremely common for women to not achieve orgasm except in one particular way that is unique to them.

I think your bf’s worried because orgasms are viewed amongst many as a symbol of fulfilment being achieved; his ego as a lover is being put into question because he feels he isn’t satisfying you in the manner he has been led to believe is the one true sign of happiness in sex.

You will probably just have to constantly reassure him that he’s really good (particularly easy to do if he actually is really good) at what he does manage to please you with.

3

First of all, sexual activity (especially if it results in orgasm!) is “sex,” presidential definitions notwithstanding.

Secondly, it’s pretty well established that sexual intercourse (by itself) is low on the list of activities that are likely to induce female orgasm.

You’re okay. He may need some coaching, however.

4

It really depends on a lot of things. You say you can orgasm from ‘other things’, what things? For instance, Mrs. robgruver cannot have an orgasm if we are having just vaginal intercourse. She needs clitoral stimulation to have her orgasm.

Is your boyfriend doing anything else while you are having sex? Touching, kissing, rubbing, etc.

There could be a physical or psycological problem on your end, but somehow I doubt it. Perhaps all it takes is for you to let go a bit more, but without ‘putting you on the couch’ I can’t give you any answers.

5

With all due respect, I don’t think it’s wise to jump to this conclusion. While he may have problems (non-performance, selfishness, etc.) it may not be him at all.

I stand by my previous post and say we should find out what the ‘other things’ that bring her to orgasm are first before we start jumping down the guys throat.

6

Well since no one else has posted yet, here’s my 2 cents.

First of all, it’s nothing to worry about. The vast majority of women cannot have orgasm through intercourse. It could be that you don’t get stimulated enough during the act. Out of the three girls I have been with none of them have ever been able to have an orgasm through intercourse, with any partner.

So it is not unusual. I would tell your boyfriend that not all women are built the same. The trick is to play around to see what you both like and to communicate that to each other. Doing the old…

“My old S.O. used to do such and such, why can’t/won’t you?”

…is not a healthy game to play.

Tony

7

I wasn’t necessarily bashing the boyfriend. It’s just been my observation that, generally speaking, men aren’t very in tune with what works for women. YMMV.

Also, she said he was the one troubled by it, not her. I say the ball’s in his court, if you’ll pardon the pun.

8

i’m no expert on the subject, but maybe you could try some different positions. some stimulate different areas more, which may be the problem. of course, in six months i’d hope that you’ve tried alot… either get a book from the library or if you’re uncomfortable with that, the current edition of maxim has an article detailing their version of the kama sutra. they polled women on their fav positions for the article. everyone should be reading this magazine, anyway.

9

I went through the same thing when I first became sexually active. I think it was something like two years (!!) before I ever had an orgasm by intercourse.
I learned to
um.
Wiggle.

Ginger
The incredibly shy no matter what anyone else thinks

10

Well, from my experience, and what I’ve heard and real in a variety of radio shos and magizines (some of which are actually reputable) its very very common (read: vast majority, 75%+) for girls in the age range of under 21 years old to not be able to orgasm through intercourse. And a large portion of those girls are unable to climax in anyway outside of masturbation.

Now, being a guy, I can’t offer any firsthand knowledge of that, but I think its likely true. The justification for this ranges from ‘a girl becoming comfortable with sex being OK’ to ‘a girl learning how her body works, and learning to orgasm’.

Nevertheless its usually stated that a girl in a good relationship will move past this roadblock and become orgasmic with her partner, manually, orally and sexually. I suppose its possible that women for some biological reason just aren’t designed to orgasm right out of puberty like guys. Either way, as she ages her testosterone levels raise, and she becomes more horny and more orgasmic. I’m sure there are pyscological and emotional aspects to this as well, but the logic medically seems solid to me.

So all that aside, the wise advice is to just tell you that you shouldn’t be so goal oriented in you lovemaking. But, I’m also a guy and know that this logic is useless. As a young guy, your ability to make your girl feel satisfied, loved, and completely fulfilled means alot when you evaluate your security in your relationship. Its a tough thing to explain, but young guys fall hard for girls, and as such always feel very threatened. It this logic that explains why as guys get older, we become less jealous, less insecure, and less obsessed. Now, no matter how much you validate him, and how much you explain to him that he makes you very happy sexually and emotionally, his over active imagination is going to undermine it.

It doesn’t necessarily always have to be sexual, or physical, but theres usually something like this that makes a guy over analyze a relationship at a young age.

note:I am assuming that you two are relatively young, based on your complaint

Before I continue babbling, let me try and offer some useful advice. First, understand that this makes him feel vulnerable, and that the fact he cares so much indicates how much he really wants you to be happy. Knowing that, try not to get frustrated with him making a big deal out of it, when you probably don’t feel all that strongly about it. Respond by reassuring him, and try and do your best to assure him thats its common and not the fault of either of yours. It can, and will be fun to address the issue honestly, and when you actually reach a point where you’re able to come through sex (which you likely will one day) it will put a big smile on both your faces. Perhaps you could try discussing every aspect of sex openly, especially the ones which currently make you come, and see how you can merge them with intercourse. Chances are that if using a vibrator makes you come, and you begin using a toy while you and he have sex, eventually you be able to come with and without the vibe.

I can’t promise that you’ll one day be able to come from sex, but the fact you can;t now doesn’t necessarily mean you never will.

To answer your question, it could be a physical problem, psychological, or just the way your made. Any or all three of them. Could it be that you’re not secure enough in your body to allow yourself to come…sure. Could you not completely love you boyfriend and that is inhibiting you ability to let go…certainly. Could you be afraid of the extra intamacy that sex brings, compared to fingering and oral sex…very likely. If its any of those, there is no quick fix and you’ll both just have to be patient and wait until adulthood completely latches in. But you will move past it eventually. Could your clit be to far away from the thrusting and friction of his body during sex to allow you to come just from intercourse…yes. To fix this, you’ll just need to learn how to incorporate manual or additionall stimulation to it during sex. This just takes practice and lots of open discussion. Could you simply be made to not be able to come this way…unlikely, but possible. There is certainly the chance that you simply are one of those women who will never be able to come this way. But I doubt it.

Just talk it out, and I think you’ll discover that this is not nearly as big a problem as it seems, but just remember to be honest about it.

11

Omniscient, lots of good advice but, I must say that females are capable of orgasm BEFORE puberty. I was, at about 8 years old. (I’ve always had a very friendly relationship with my body.) Sorry, TMI.

12

Omniscient, lots of good advice, but I must say that females are capable of orgasm BEFORE puberty. I was, at about 8 years old. (I’ve always had a very friendly relationship with my body.) Sorry, TMI.

13

Hey, I didn’t mean to do that! Doubly embarassing.

14

If you want to orgasm, you will have to learn how. I don’t think it’s an innate thing for most young women. My future ex-husband and I were dismal—I didn’t have an orgasm with him for years. Years. The combination of two virgins, little privacy and lots of stress wasn’t a happpy-making thing. But I learned what I needed and we stopped focusing on what we should be doing/feeling and just did what felt nice.
I like Maxim and the crashtest dummies are right on target, but I can’t agree with newbies trying exotic positions. I think the idea should be to gain trust and confidence and not worry about the things you “can” do.
You can leave that to me!

15

You’re totally normal, LaurAnge. As other posters have said, most women can’t orgasm through intercourse alone. There’s probably nothing psychological about it whatsoever, it’s simply because of the way our bodies are set up - the clitoris doesn’t receive enough stimulation during the act.

The advice to try different positions is a good one. Some women find it easier when they’re on top (though I have to say this never worked for me). My suggestion is to do a little research on Coital Alignment Technique. It’s not that easy right away, but hot DAMN, is it worth the effort :smiley:

16

I’ve been married for 12 years, and having sex for 14 years, and have never yet had an orgasm through intercourse, I have to achieve it other ways. So your not alone LaurAnge. I would love to have an orgasm that way, so keep the tips ummmm coming. :smiley:

17

Laurange, welcome to the 2/3rd majority (or so I’ve read)! My wife is in the same boat as you. She has had exactly 2 orgasms through intercourse with me, and we were surprised as hell by both of them!

My girlfriend before my wife could have an orgasm at the drop of a hat- any hat. You could mention sex in the same room and she would start to shake. She was gifted. My wife is wonderful, but she needs help when it comes to coming. Sometimes, lots of help.

Normally it takes my wife forever to come, even when masturbating (20 minutes with a vibrator, concentrating). And for awhile, I too felt a little shot to my ego about the whole thing. What helped me relax about the whole thing was when she told me that my penis inside her took her 90% of the way to orgasm, but she needed that extra 10% of vibrator or hands to knock her over the edge.

I’d suggest experimenting with him using a vibrator or your hands while he is entering from behind (either you on your stomach, or you on your back and him on his left side with his right leg sorta under your right leg and over your left leg- you’ll be at a 90degree angle from each other). Try it, you’ll like it! An orgasm with me inside my wife is quite large for her- much bigger than just hands or toys alone. She says it feels like a deeper, inside orgasm, as opposed to a sharper but shorter outside one.

After I got over the idea that she needs more help than I alone can provide, I started to enjoy it more. Her little toy creates vibrations for me too! And since we have more experience using the combination now, we now have simultaneous orgasms ALL the time! I can sense when she is about to come and speed up or down to match, and we almost always come together or within 10 seconds of each other now. It rocks!

Rmember, cooperation, not competition.

-Tcat

18

**

From the way that is written I conclude that you are having sex with someone else. Do you orgasm with your other lover?

If it does not bother you why are you bringing it up to a few thousand strangers. I think deep down it is bothering you on some level. Remember it takes two to tango. So it is a problem for the both of you. It is not his fault. It is not your fault. It is a problem with the two of you.
So Laurange talk to your lover. Examine yourself. What do you need? Do you have a mental block? Do you need more physical attention? Do you have any qualms about the relationship? Are you worried about anything else (money, school, health, etc)?

If all else fails I’m sure you could find someone to offer to learn how to orgasm real good like. :wink:

19

Laur,
Here we go again! :wink:

Truth be told, I never had orgasms with another person in the room until I was with my now husband, and even that took a year or two. I never have orgasms during intercourse without extra help, and no one had ever been able to help me have one during oral sex, either.

Fortunately, my husband is the absolute picture of patience, and once we started working on it with oral sex, things started to happen in a big way. Life is great now in that respect, and I’m happy to be getting in on the action.

I don’t know what to say except that some people are just not wired to orgasm during intercourse. If he’s not freaky about it, get a vib and use it during intercourse to get to orgasm (fun for everyone!) I think my deal was being relaxed and totally trusting with the person I am with. Now he “knows my combination” and I orgasm too quickly! Oh, well- there are worse problems in the world.

Zette

20

I wasn’t able to orgasam during sex until I freed myself and became more open with my partner. You have to be able to tell your lover what you want him/her to do to make you feel good. That was my biggest problem. I didn’t want my lover to feel like he wasn’t good enough and I wasn’t compeltely comfortable with my body so I just faked it. Well, that wasn’t doing me any good. Once I was able to convey what I wanted and what I liked I immediately started having orgasams during sex. Now I’m a multiple! :wink: