Women who orgasm with difficulty (TMI, I suppose)

In My Humble Opinion
1

I once had a fiance who could only orgasm after a loooong session of foreplay. At the time, and perhaps correctly, I chalked it up to my inexperience with sex & her, for whatever reason, physical nature.

Now I’ve been talking with a married friend and he’s very dissatisfied with his sex life. His wife is indifferent to sex, it seems. She accomodates him but seems really to get very little pleasure from it. It’s the “Let’s get this over with so I can get some sleep” kind of sex.

She has hinted that

  1. she believes that women don’t really want sex for physical reasons.
  2. women rarely, and with great difficulty, have orgasms (ie: she’s not unusual)
  3. Opal’s sex life is probably fine.

My wife, and my few lovers between my first fiance and today, seem to be the argument against her view. They’ve all seemed to enjoy sex and seem to be able achieve orgasm every session (I consider myself a considerate lover and am willing to take the proper time to bring my partner to readiness).

So - where this is all going…

I believe that she doesn’t desire sex much because she has difficulty attaining orgasm - therefore, there’s nothing much in it for her. What I don’t know is if this is a physical or mental or husbandly issue.

Is her husband, my friend, possibly a poor lover? Could he be a great lover but she’s, somehow, non-responsive? Have any of you, doper women, learned how to overcome your own responsiveness problems?

How can we help her, and, by connection, my friend?

2

I took Human Sexuality last semester, and my professor was a sex therapist. Had been one for YEARS.

He co-wrote a self-help book for women who cannot orgasm. You’re supposed to go to therapy + read the book.

The book came with a video (which we had to watch in class) that is very graphic but outlines the steps you read in the book to help yourself learn to orgasm.

Some women do just have a low drive, I think, but if she wants to figure out what’s up, she should find a good sex therapist probably. Because unless it a pure physical thing, it’s a mental thing which can probably be worked though with some effort.

3

Hello, let me introduce myself. My name is Difficulty, and I swear I thought this was about me.

After reading, I believe I can help your friend and his wife. Ok, her mostly.

I offer a service, a PREMIUM service, if you will…

Nevermind, I can’t keep a straight face here…

My own experience, as a male is that for a woman to achieve orgasm, she needs to understand her body, know what she needs/wants and have a partner willing/able and enthusiastic in helping her achieve the desired result.

Which is pretty much what the OP, and myskepticsight offered up here.

4

I can tell you that your fiancee’s story has been similar to mine for most of my life. I did have one lover who could bring me to orgasm nearly every time, through regular intercourse, and in a fairly short period of time. So my anecdote suggests that, at least for me, it’s the lover.

5

I had a boyfriend with whom I never could achieve orgasm. With my other partners, I’ve been able to; yes we took a bit to learn each other but sheesh, we did learn.

The guy I had problems with was absolutely mechanical about the whole thing and completely unable to listen to my indications/requests/begs. He lasted up longer than anybody else I’ve, uh, known or heard of outside of the porn industry - but methinks a vibrator would sing with more feeling than he did…

6

Additional TMI alert for this particular post. Especially if you know me personally. (Sorry, Pbbth.)

I think all women are different in that respect. I personally have a difficult time orgasming during intercourse, even though I have a boyfriend who is excellent at foreplay, and would be happy as a clam doing it for days straight before we even got to the main course. Orgasm just doesn’t happen for me unless it’s from another source. But I am the lustiest person I know. I wear my boyfriend out! So, if she’s not wanting to do the bop at all, there may be another reason besides a physical incapability. YMMV, but if I never get off during sex at all and I still have dreams of quitting my job so that I can stay in bed with my talented boyfriend all day, she could too.

7

There could be several things going on here.

She may simply have a very low sex drive. Sometimes, this is caused by stress about other areas of life (work, bills, kids, family, illness, etc), and sometimes, it’s just naturally how she is.

There are some women who have never experienced an orgasm. Her husband could help here - maybe a toy would help her (something she would like, not something he would like), maybe a book, written by a female, about sexuality (I say written by a female, not out of any sexism, but she’d probably be more willing to believe a woman about her sexuality over a man telling her how a woman feels).

Perhaps he just needs to slow things down a little bit, and be more “romantic” with her before doing the deed: slow kisses, gentle touches on other areas of her body besides the hotspots, hell, maybe even a nice massage. Naturally, I don’t know if he’s tried this or not, but the times I’ve personally had trouble having an orgasm with a partner is when he jams his tongue down my throat and grabs for the goodies. Sometimes I’m up for it, but if I’m not in the mood and my partner pulls that shit, it’s not going to happen. If he can start his wife on a slow burn, he may just manage to turn her into the animal.

Maybe stop with the sex for a while. I don’t mean stop with the intimacy, however. Instead of asking for sex each night, he could pay attention to her, and her needs. He could just kiss her, hold her, stroke her hair, her cheek. Make her feel loved and wanted. Then go to sleep. The next night, the same thing. Work back up to sex gradually. Very gradually. It’s a rare woman I’ve met who isn’t eventually electrified by her mate’s touches if he starts treating her like something precious. Not just at night; he could hold her hand when they go out, and stroke her palm with his thumb very gently. He could very gently kiss her neck when she’s got her back to him. He could touch her shoulders or her arm when he’s near her. Affection. Opens a lot of doorways. And a lot of legs, if you’re a gentleman. :wink:

Oh, and while building up to having sex again, he could uh… take some time for himself, either when she’s not home, or while he’s alone in the shower, or the bathroom, or something. Get some relief! But try to be discreet - she might not quite “get” it at this stage. Some women do, and maybe she does, maybe she wouldn’t have a problem with it at all. But I wouldn’t take that risk at this point.

Anyway, sex for many women isn’t just put tab A into slot B - sex is a lifestyle. It’s very mental for women, in a way that it just isn’t for men. Granted, yes, some of us are quite physical, and we just want a romp in the hay. Sometimes. But obviously not this woman. Maybe, with a little patience, a lot of affection, and all the love he feels for her, she could enjoy sex a lot more, and maybe even look forward to it.

8

Bravo! Anasteson --great post.

Personally, “toys” aka vibrators do nothing for me–it’s all too much stimulation. It took quite awhile for me to figure that out, what with every source singing their praises and other people (male and female) insisting that they were the Way to orgasm.
We’re all different. There may be quite alot going on for this woman, healthwise, mentally (depression), just a low drive, or her expectations of acceptable wifely behavior. She may not feel up to it physically etc.
Never mind-what Anasteseon said.

9

Thanks :o

However, I do want to mention, now that you bring it up - “toy” was my first suggestion, and I really should have put that lower on the list. Bringing toys into the situation is for when she feels a little more advanced - if she feels comfortable, then let her pick out something she may want to try, (and as I said above, but I think I worded it wrong: something she’s interested in, not something the husband just brings home and then asks her to use it for him!) She may never, ever like toys, and most sex lives can do just fine without them.

I think everything I wrote under the “toy” paragraph should be done first, then proceed with my first suggestions from there.

I’m dyslexic in entire paragraph form. :smack:

10

It might be telling to know if the wife in the OP ever gets horny (or at least sexually stimulated to some extent). Not necessarily by thinking about her husband but anytime for any reason. Did she ever have a working libido? Was achieving orgasm something she once was able to do with little problem but now can’t?

I do not ask for prurient reasons but because they might offer insight into what her issues might be. If they once enjoyed a healthy sex life (either together or prior to knowing each other) it suggests to me that getting back there should be possible with a little work (best kind of work at that). If she was never (or rarely) able to achieve orgasm (or enjoy sex) then the issues might be more difficult to resolve.

11

Personally, I didn’t have an orgasm induced by a sexual partner until about 7 years after I started having sex. After that I at least knew it was possible, but it very rarely happened. After a few years I figured out that in general the best way for a partner to get me off was by performing oral sex for about 20 minutes. I have had a few orgasms strictly from penetration but it’s a very rare occurrence. With my current partner he is so dedicated and proficient at making me come that I find that the time has reduced to about 15 minutes. I think this is solely due to the confidence in my partner’s ability. I go into it knowing I’ll cum rather than just hoping. For me that really makes a big difference.

12

1. she believes that women don’t really want sex for physical reasons.
As mentioned, each woman is different. Some women do want sex for purely physical reasons. Others can’t enjoy sex without an emotional connection. Plus, sometimes the same woman will want different things at different times. The same woman may one day want sex purely for physical reasons and later not be interested in “just physical” sex.

2. women rarely, and with great difficulty, have orgasms (ie: she’s not unusual)
I’d say it’s not uncommon for a woman to have difficulty reaching orgasm. However, I don’t know that it’s certainly not true for women overall. And (similar to what I wrote above) the same woman may have difficulty at one point in her life but later have a much easier time.

I used to have difficulty reaching orgasm. I don’t so much anymore. It’s probably a combination of being more experienced, my partners being more experienced, and just having fewer hang ups (e.g. guilt) about sex. In addition, once you start finding what works and have had a couple orgasms, you get less anxious about the whole “will I have one this time and, if not, will he be insulted” thing–and that works wonders!

I’d also say that it’s not terribly uncommon for a woman to have a low sex drive. It could be she’s fatigued, stressed, has a medical condition, etc. From what I understand, a lot of new mothers go through this. They’re exhausted, often not feeling terribly attractive, and their hormones may be doing wild things.

If she’s always had a low sex drive, it could be that she has some hang ups about sex (a lot of women still believe that only sluts like sex or that it’s not feminine to ask for what you want in bed) or that she’s never had good sex. That doesn’t neccessarily mean all her partners were unskilled. It could be she’s never learned what works and makes sex “good” for her.

Anasteseon’s post gave some wonderful suggestions.

13

She’s not on antidepressants, is she? Those can really screw around with orgasm. Unfortunately, I know that all too well.

14

Personally, I didn’t have an orgasm induced by a sexual partner until about 7 years after I started having sex. After that I at least knew it was possible, but it very rarely happened. After a few years I figured out that in general the best way for a partner to get me off was by performing oral sex for about 20 minutes. I have had a few orgasms strictly from penetration but it’s a very rare occurrence. With my current partner he is so dedicated and proficient at making me come that I find that the time has reduced to about 15 minutes. I think this is solely due to the confidence in my partner’s ability. I go into it knowing I’ll cum rather than just hoping. For me that really makes a big difference.

15

Hi - OP back again.

This couple, without a doubt, has other problems so there may be a psychological edge to it. My wife, who’s closer to this woman, though says the the idle sexual patter that goes on around a group of adult friends at a party, for this woman, is a front. She really, in private, isn’t interested in sex.

The couple, apparently, owns some sex toys purchased by the husband. Apparently she’s not really interested in these either.

Interesting, Ghanima’s comment: Expectation of an orgasm makes it easier to achieve. Also, Anastasaeon’s comments about the man finding “relief” hit home. My wife had some prescription drug induced bad times for about a year. Occaisionally I had to take long showers.

16

It’s like looking into a mirror…

I have more fun giving than receiving, most of the time. I can usually pick up on what my partner is looking for, even if they don’t say anything. And I’m always willing to try something new.

Thing is, the one lover I’ve actually was not very experienced. He was quite attentive and capable of a good deal of oral sex, and I’d get very excited, but about half the time I’d start chafing before I got close to orgasm. Once, I reached orgasm during actual intercourse – it was the best one I’d ever had, bar none. I still recall it fondly. :smiley:

i cannot believe i am telling this to random internet people

17

For me it depends on the guy. The older I get, the easier it is, but not all guys can make it happen every time. Some can, though, and it hasn’t always been correlated with how much I love the guy, either.

I can say, though, on those occasions when I’m with someone with whom I don’t have good sex, I become less and less inclined to have sex with him. I would be miserable married to someone who didn’t do it for me. However, this comes from knowing that ongoing great sex is possible, and my feeling that I don’t want to be in a long-term romantic relationship where I’m not having it, so my situation may be different from your friend’s wife.

That said, some women just cannot get off during sex. There are the female versions of Viagra-like drugs. If all the excellent suggestions in Anastaseon’s post don’t work, she could always try that.

18

It is very difficult, almost impossible, to make me orgasm. However, I still love sex. Sex is more about the experience of the sex itself, as opposed to the means to an end (orgasm).

19

I think the google ads are suggesting there’s a different reason why women can’t achieve orgasm.

20

Whoops–when I posed that, the only ad was for the National Brain Tumor Foundation.