Having been married for 9 years to a woman who has never had an orgasm, I’m curious how many other dopers know of a woman that has never had one. Anyone know of someone that didn’t have one until later in life?
To answer some questions I think MIGHT come up:
30, otherwise very healthy.
No, never. While asleep, maybe, but never awake.
We are each other’s firsts (and only).
I said never.
No, she won’t try to get herself there. Never has. Not really interested.
I was almost 30 myself, and I’d been married several years.
I always faked it before…I think I was afraid of losing control.
150 reads and one response? I knew this was uncommon, but not THIS uncommon.
Rushgeekgirl - would I be too far out of line to ask what finally got you there? My wife has never faked it. She and I are very open about the entire thing.
My girlfriend has never had an orgasm.
She has been masturbating for a long time and we have been sexually active for a while, too.
She’s healthy otherwise, also, just never had an orgasm.
How odd that I would find myself talking about these things.
Heh.
He pressed down on the lower part of my stomach flat-handed just right while performing oral sex, using the other hand to…damn, why am I uncomfortable saying this? Stimulate me? Grrr. I hate being this silly.
I don’t know why it worked, but his brother suggested it because his wife had the same problem.
That, and I was sorta tipsy.
That part of the stomach really does it for me; I discovered it myself when I was about [sub]mumble mumble[/sub] eleven. I think it’s the outer side of the G-spot myself.
Other than that, can’t help you–I had my first orgasm at five.
Exactly where is this magic spot? Is it right above the pubic bone?
Inquiring minds MUST know!
I would just hate to see a thread entitled “females and the big O (child).”
I had someone (early 30s) relate to me how she’d just had her first orgasm. She’d just discovered the joys of masterbation, apparently she spent the next couple of days in bed. I was tempted to ask for a demonstration… but resisted :).
Wow.
REALLY?
wagnoid, you must tell her, the only reason she is NOT interested in getting herself there is because she has never BEEN there! For god’s sakes, this is like never learning what chocolate tastes like, because hey, it’s brown!
:eek:
Then again, I’m in the same position as Squish, kinda. It’s like learning that someone else has only one eye and doesn’t want two.
First of all, I have to say that you’re very brave to admit to this. Some people would take it very personal that it were at least partly themselves who were the potential problem.
Anyway, I’m sure you’ve investigated this on the web and by now realize that there are two points of origination for a female orgasm. The internal and external.
From what I understand, a lot of women have a difficult time achieving the internal. Pitty, since I understand that’s the more intense.
My girlfriend has difficulty in this area. The act is still pleasureable, but not to the point of orgasm.
However, luckily she and I both enjoy oral sex and I’m able to bring her to external orgasm orally.
Is this part of your “time” together? It could be a place to start. Just my two cents but, the most important thing is to touch her and have her simply tell you, “higher, lower, left, right, deeper, harder, lighter”. There’s GOT to be communication.
I never climaxed until I was with my fifth sexual partner. That was when I was 21 years old and after six years worth of “practice”. As for what finally did it, I think it was a mixture of a lot of different things. Age, experience, comfort level, a patient and eager-to-please partner, and time. Like Rushgeekgirl, my first was orally induced, but once I’d broken that barrier I found that I could reach orgasm lots of ways. I just needed those first few times to show me what my body needed, where.
If you don’t mind me asking wagnoid, do you think your wife’s inability to come has a psychological basis? Does she have a history of rape or abuse? Is she hesitant about sex and sexuality, or is this simply a physical hurdle that she’s really wants to overcome? Because, IME, that can make all the difference in the world.
bella
wagnoid: have you tried, um, everything you can think of to <ahem> stimulate her? (I only ask because you didn’t volunteer much info in your post and I am reliably informed that a considerable proportion of women are unable to achieve orgasm by penetration alone)…
Mangetout - I’ve tried EVERYTHING I can think of. I’ve read books on giving oral sex. I’ve read what I can on the net. I’ve gone down on her for very long periods of time… but she doesn’t get there. I’ve asked her to tell me what feels good, and she responds with, “It all feels good.”
belladonna - She has had no sexual attacks of any kind. Is it psychological or physical? I’ve no clue, which is kind of why I asked. Does she want to overcome it? Only as far as it can be done without any effort. I’ve asked about counseling, seeing a doctor, etc., but she doesn’t want to. She does seem to enjoy sex, though.
Omnipresent - brave? posting anonymously to a message board? hmm. maybe. And yeah, I did, for a while, consider it to be somehow my fault. Lots of communication has helped. I’ve asked about “higher, lower, left, right” and like I told Mangetout, I get, “it all feels good.”
Venoma - Tried that. As a matter of fact, that is how I got her to let me go down on her in the first place. For a long time, she wouldn’t let me perform oral sex. You can’t imagine how long it took to convince her to go down on me.
Squish - Thanks for the feedback! The hand thing sounds like something to try…
Rushgeekgirl - Wow… I’ll have to keep in mind that flat hand thing next time I go down on her. If you can provide anymore info on that you would really help me out! I really appreciate your feedback especially considering how uncomfortable this made you feel. I’m sorry about that. Thanks, though.
HoldenCaulfield - Thanks for letting me know it isn’t as isolated as it first felt. Can I ask how you deal with it? Is it tough for both of you? Frustrating for both of you? My wife doesn’t really seem to mind at all. That was tough until I learned to accept it.
One of my good friends was a somewhat sexual recluse until her sophomore year in college. Then something happened and she went pretty crazy. The first big event was she got over some of her personal body issues and beat her annorexia. Then she got a boyfriend. She masturbates constantly (she would often joke about how if the police ever came to her house she’d be arrested for the number of vibrators she owned [apparently, any more than five in one household and it’s a big no-no here in Texas]), and her and her boyfriend were like a pair of rabbits.
After three years of this, she’s only had two orgasms.
Why? Psychological. Everything works fine, but when she gets to the point, she forces herself to stop. Like RushGeekGirl said, it had to do with losing control. My friend absolutely loves her boyfriend (a little too much, in our opinion…she gave up her dream of Psychology for him 
), but when it came to herself, she still has issues and losing control happens to be one of them.
This may be the same thing with your wife. Everything could be working fine for her, but something in her psyche just tells her to stop when she gets close. Does she have any harsh self esteme issues or anything like that? If so, these things need to be worked on. Could mean counciling, could just mean talking about things and spending more time helping her build up her self esteme.
Or maybe you just need to learn to lick it. Oral sex is fun, and so far has worked every time for me, so give that a try. Give it many tries. A seven course meal worth of tries. And make sure you enjoy it and let her know that as well. Some girls have it in their head that “All men hate to go down on girls, so he’s just doing it to go through the motions.” Let her know you’re doing it because you like it, and you love her, and it’s something you want to do. All that kind of communication really helps.
I second all of what’s been said prior and have two tips to add:
When she gets close, she needs to relax. I’m sure you’re all about foreplay, but an extended foreplay (start in a bubble bath together or start with a nice massage) helps women relax.
If she gets close, tell her to speed up her breathing. For some reason, panting can help her go right on over the edge. So to speak.
I’d also consider purchasing some toys and experimenting with them together. There could be hang ups about this, so don’t push it if she’s not interested. Finally, if you’ve tried everything in this thread, and she’s still not having the Big O… may I suggest a sex therapist?
I think it’s all about letting go and relaxing to let her body do what it wants to do. YMMV
El Elvis Rojo - I don’t think she has self-esteem issues, but I also wouldn’t even hesitate to think I’m just a clueless husband. I have done the “seven course meal” you suggested. I can’t tell if she gets close or not. I ask her about it, but she just doesn’t seem to get anywhere. The nearest analogy I have is a good backrub. It can feel SOOOO good, but there isn’t any way it is going to get you there. I have a feeling sex is about like that for her. Is that my problem or hers? I’ve no clue. Part of why I asked here. Just wondering what others have experienced.
Dogzilla - I’ve asked about therapy and toys, but she didn’t seem interested, and I tried not to push it.
I haven’t been a saint about this. I’m certain early on I did put pressure on her and after a while I did just give up.
All the advice here is wonderful! But I really was just after knowing how unique this is. It is great to hear stories from others with similar stories knowing they got over it… it renews my hope. Being older and (hopefully) a bit more accepting of this, I’m wondering if there is a good way to start to try this again. No pressure, just fun. Trying different things.
Thanks to one and all.
She needs some alone time with a good vibrator (C cell, baby, no puny little AA one). Good, meaning not from Spencers. If I were her, I would procure one of these (order on-line if you’re too embarassed to go to a store), get her some erotica or softcore porn, and either let her experiment on her own (recommended) or with you (maybe later).
I did not have orgasms regularly (maybe once before is all) before I met my husband and even then, it was a while before it was a regular feature. (and I had been sexually active for quite some time.)
It had a lot of do with relaxation, learning, and trust, I think. Because now there is never a time that we get busy that I don’t have a fantastic orgasm.
Hmmm. I wonder, as it seems other posters have, if she really wants to orgasm. I don’t think she has the desire.
From what’s been said, it seems to me that she could take or leave it, at the very least, & actively dislikes the idea, at most. The idea that she wants to look into the issue “only as far as it can be done without any effort” is telling to me, as is the fact that she hasn’t tried to be more specific when wagnoid asks what to do to most pleasure her.
I am probably the least qualified person on the board to be giving you any kind of advice as (to be discussing this feels rather awkwardly candid to me, but I suspect that I come across as quite reserved to many members here) both my wife and myself were virgins when we married, and yet perhaps this is an advantage since it puts me in a similar boat to yourself.
Like most young men, I was not totally ignorant of female anatomy and the mechanics of human intercourse, but that’s about as far as it went; I was woefully naive about all of the emotional and psychological stuff that goes along with it, but it was quite a steep learning curve; here’s the gist of what I learned in those early days(and I’m not suggesting that any of this is particularly relevant to your situation)
Duration is almost irrelevant; a smouldering gaze of passion in the eyes and a few whispered words can quite easily be far more stimulating than any amount of prodding and tongue-lashing.
Having said that, there’s no rush and the whole lovemaking/seduction thing starts at the breakfast table, not in the bedroom late at night.
It would be quite improper for me to suggest that what is required is cultivation of Horniness and yet I can’t think of a more succinct way that it could be said.