Medically speaking, it’s not uncommon at all for women to suddenly discover the orgasm (at least the female one) in their mid-thirties or beyond. A lot of factors come (no pun intended) into play, including hormone changes, general acceptance of themselves, more foreplay and less mindless poking around, etc. etc. So don’t give up hope. These women who discover the O late tend to suddenly act like adolescent males who just discovered masturbation; they repeat their experience a lot.
QtM, MD
I’ve known two women who were anorgasmic when we met. One still was after I tried to help. The closest we could get was her nearly passing out but she never had an orgasm. I agree with those saying it’s mainly about comfort level if it’s not a plain physical deficiency, in either case the one thing that won’t help is trying too hard or pressure.
I don’t know about the G-spot but here is definitely a structure in a woman’s vagina which you can feel when she gets sufficiently excited. Flicking this with the end of your penis causes an instant reaction though it’s better to tease it to make the final orgasm more intense. I don’t think it’s what is usually called the G-spot though because it’s too far in, in most cases. It’s on the front right at the back, can’t be the cervix either because it’s not there till the woman is worked up and once again is too deep. I’ve found this to be the case in all but a few of the women I’ve known.
About the “hand thing”–one thing my boyfriend does every now and then is to put two fingers inside me and his other hand outside, and massage the spot from both sides. Sends me through the roof! You could try that, but I’m getting the feeling here that she’s not a physically-oriented person. So what non-sexual things get her excited? Once you’ve narrowed that down, you can use that part of her psyche in your sexual approach.
Ack, I’m not explaining myself clearly, but maybe you’ll get what I’m trying to say, or maybe another poster can elucidate.
I have always wondered about this. I’ve never heard anyone else mention it before. Does anyone know what this is (Qadgop the Mercotan?)?
RE: the OP, I think it’s quite clear that she doesn’t want to achieve orgasm (“Does she want to overcome it? Only as far as it can be done without any effort.”), and if she doesn’t want to, she won’t. It also sounds to me like she may have some… hangups, for lack of a better word, about sex, as evidenced by having needed to persuade her to allow you to give her oral sex. She has to be the one who’s motivated to get there if she’s ever going to orgasm. Is there a specific reason why you feel like she needs to get there, wagnoid?
First of all, the desire has to be there. Do whatever it takes to stimulate the lust. Go out on a date! A little romance goes a long way. Never skip the foreplay. Kisses from top to bottom, ticklish spots, and some oral stimulation.
Some people like talk, some not. Most women don’t care for porn but an erotic movie could help.
Go invest in a GOOD electric vibrator, not a dildo, a back massager get’em at W-Mart $14. One that has multispeed and plugs into the wall (nothing so frustrating as running out of power). Body oils are nice, they even have some that help arousal when applied to genetalia. Ease her onto her knees w/ you entering from behind and reach around w/ the vibrator and easy does it on the clit. Tell her to take it eventually, because she will know when and where it’s best. Then hang on!
hope the censors don’t give me the boot
Sorry if I embarrassed anyone :o
Oh, sorry I didn’t answer your question! No, I don’t know any women who haven’t had an orgasm.
“About the “hand thing”–one thing my boyfriend does every now and then is to put two fingers inside me and his other hand outside, and massage the spot from both sides. Sends me through the roof!”
…and you’re called Squish because?
I may be going into TMI territory here, but here goes. When you go down, you might want to try different amounts of pressure and avoiding the “hot buttons”. My first two orgasms were from light stimulation just below the clit. Think butterfly flickers and don’t just concentrate on what you’d think would be the right places. (sidenote; oddly enough when I have a good sex dream it’s often the same spot just below my clit that is tingling…always has been that place since I started having erotic dreams, I have a very small clit so the nerve endings may be slightly off where they should be. Or is this normal? Ladies, when you have a great erotic dream, where are your nerves going crazy?)
You sure you wanna do this wagnoid?
I mean … um, one good one and she’ll never let you out of the house again!
Not because of that, actually. Although what I lack in looks, I sure make up for in enthusiasm!
Female from the other side of the equation here… anorgasmic, always have been, attitude about it probably similar to your wife’s, wagnoid.
Like having one eye and not wanting two? Not quite my take… I think of it more like sex being a bowl of ice-cream and an orgasm being the cherries on the top - sure, it would be nice to have them, but ice-cream is still damn fine on its own.
And I’d be careful of putting too much pressure on your wife re beginning to orgasm - after years of guys taking it as a personal challenge to make me come (and getting upset when they couldn’t, even though it wasn’t their problem and I repeatedly told them I liked what they were doing), I’ve now been faking it for the last 2-3 years, just to avoid the sort of pressure you’re now consdering putting on her again.
Trust me, there’s nothing less sexy than a guy saying “What about if I do this? Or this? Up one centimeter or across a bit, perhaps? Harder? Softer?” and so on… and on… and on… and on… and on. Makes you feel more like a scientific experiment than a participant in a loving relationship, that’s for sure.
General disclaimer: I’m not saying never ask a girl what she likes, or whether she’d like you to do something a little differently. I’m talking about the mindset of my ex’s who were like “I’m gonna be the one who makes her orgasm if it takes all night!”
Will I ever orgasm?? I’m hoping, yes. Not willing to sacrifice the good sexual relationship I’ve got with my partner now, though. And it is good!! I love sex. I’ve got a high libido, I’m adventurous, probably even on the kinky side, I initiate often… I just don’t come. If I’m enjoying myself, so what?
Dharma, in one of my sexual relationships I very rarely had orgasm - but I still enjoyed the heck outta it! So I do know what you mean - however orgasms in and of themselves seem (to me) like another facet of a Very Good Thing. One that can be enjoyed by oneself or with a friend! 
But if a person is satisfied as is… shrug you live your own life and I’ll live mine.
Have you tried booze?
Couldn’t hurt!
I HIGHLY recommend you guys try a vibrator. My wife REALLY enjoys me inside her and a vibrator outside. It is what works for us. She says that she can get 90% of the way there with just me, but needs that little extra zing to push her over the edge.
One comfortable position we use is her on her back, me on my left side facing her at a slight angle. Her right leg is over my right hip, my right leg over her left leg. She can then lie there and control the vibrator where needed, and I can move fairly freely, and we both can still kiss, giggle, talk, etc.
And for the record, her favorite vibrator happens to be one of those tiny AA battery ones. It works just fine and has never run out at the wrong moment (we just change the battery whenever it seems a bit slow). We tried a larger, hard-plastic one and it was too powerful, too fast, too whatever. I’d recommend buying a small gel or softy vibrator and a small hard-plastic one…they are cheaper when experimenting, and if one works better than the other, you can always upgrade to the big leagues. If neither work, you are only out $20-$30 for both. OR you could try a Pocket Rocket, they are a hard-plastic type with a soft gel sleeve, but it is a bit pricey, c.$50
Good luck!
-Tcat
Dharma Bumpkin - You summed up perfectly what seems to be her attitude. I have never while performing oral sex or manually stimulating her or anything else tried to ask “does it feel good here? Does it feel good here? Does it feel good here?”. Instead, I’ve either asked later if anything I did felt better than anything else or if she would give me some sort of indication WHILE I was doing it what feels good and what doesn’t. I agree, getting clinical is not going to help.
Omnipresent - She doesn’t really drink. She has been drunk once in her life. I know, you were joking. Just covering the bases, though. She isn’t against alcohol, she just isn’t a drinker.
White Lightening - You ask a very good question about my motivations. So let me wrap that into this…
I won’t bore anyone with the long history, but way back when there was a lot of pressure on her and me to get her to orgasm. Obviously it didn’t work and it frustrated me way more than her. That was years ago. I backed way off and accepted it.
So recently I just started wondering, and so I posted here looking for who else has experienced this and, tangentially, what anyone might have done about it.
We had a great talk last night and we openly discussed this for the first time in years. I promise, no pressure was made, just an honest, open discussion. We’ll see what happens from here. She was very, very excited about trying and exploring ideas and adding new life to a dying sex life.
My motivations? Simply a better sex life. Orignally (way back when) I’ll admit it was a bruise to my male ego and not at all what I had imagined sex would be like. Today it feels different. Maybe it will spice things up to practice new things and explore different ideas. Maybe it will add a new dimension, maybe it won’t. For now, it is great to know a couple of things. One, it is rare for this to occur which means it can probably be overcome. Two, even if it can’t, we AREN’T alone. At the very least, it will spice things up for a while which is really nice. We really had a great talk.
To all the others I’ve not addressed directly, your input is greatly appreciated! Sincerely.
Go for it wagnoid; it will probably come(!) when you (both)least expect it.
Good luck!
Oh, and for what it’s worth, I recommend you disregard this guy’s advice. Pay special attention to what he suggests here, and then don’t do that.
wagnoid, it sounds like you’re approaching things in a good way.
Don’t get me wrong, I think achieving orgasm is a good thing, I hope to one day, and I do communicate with my partner about what I like and dislike… I think for me, the ‘loss of control’ thing resonates and might well be what stops me at the edge, so to speak. It’s just that I’ve found in the past telling guys I don’t orgasm means that that becomes the whole point of sex, which places a lot of pressure on me. I’ve now decided to keep quiet and experiment in my own way and at my own pace, which makes sex in general a more loving, sharing experience than it has been thus far. I do feel guilty about faking it, though, but figure if and when I ever orgasm I can say something along the lines of ‘Wow! Never knew they could feel that intense!’ and fudge it like that.
I think opening the lines of communication in a relationship is always a good thing, especially an area that’s traditionally hard to be upfront about. In my opinion, it can only strengthen the bond between you to try and find ways to make sex better for you both.
Wagnoid -
Well, I’ve been with several women who have been rather difficult to please, and others who seem to come at the drop of a hat. Most women I know do not come during vaginal sex, unless external (i.e. finger) stimulation is applied softly to the clitoris. (Boy, did that just take all the romance out of sex?)
Now, I always thought oral sex was the big key to getting a girl off. In fact, I prefer oral to “standard” sex any day. But not every woman is built that way, either. One girlfriend I had enjoyed oral sex, but could just not get off on it. She explained to me that she could only come while masturbating. No matter how hard I tried (and we both had fun trying) I couldn’t do it. Even after marathon one-hour sessions of sex (I’m a bit, shall we say, slow on the trigger. That’s why I prefer oral sex) we’d be exhausted, but neither of us would come. Bizarre.
So I don’t think it’s terribly weird. I had one other girlfriend who was similar. I think part of getting the big O to happen is your wife learning how to stimulate herself, to masturbate. In all the tougher cases, a vibrator always did the trick. HOWEVER, and this is the big however, she must be completely open and relaxed to the idea. Otherwise, I’m confident that the stress or the psychological pressure to have an orgasm will prevent her from actually having one. I’ve experienced this anxiety as a male. I’ve finally gotten a girl I’ve wanted my whole life in bed, my member is at attention, things start going but then…I’m thinking “yeah, I can’t believe I’m gonna come with this girl” and … I don’t. Weird.
That was my first time having sex and it’s happened several times since. Opposite of premature ejaculation, I guess.
So with all this pressure behind you guys, I’m sure there’s a lot of psychological blockage that prevents her from achieving an orgasm. Combined with her unfamaliarily with the feeling and not having tried masturbating, you’re in a difficult spot. I know I feel a bit “less of a man” if I don’t get my woman to come, even though I know it’s silly to think like that. But if she’s happy, and everything else is all right, there’s no real need to fret about it. If you’ve communicated openly about the matter, and she’s satisfied about the way things stand, I’d say let it be.
Otherwise, go with the vibrator.
wagnoid, print out this thread, and put it on the headboard of your bed. It’ll be like 23,000 Dopers cheering you on. Go wagnoid!
Seriously man, good luck. You sound like you’re going about it the right way.
And to reiterate what our reserved gentleman Mangetout already said: it starts at the breakfast table, not when you take off your socks at night - very wise words there.
[sub]Of course, a morning session before breakfast ain’t bad either…[/sub]
Believe it or not, there are still a lot of women out there who subconciously think nice girls don’t enjoy that sort of thing, and those sorts of ideas can make it damn hard to have an orgasm. For one thing, they make it nearly impossible to achieve that state of total mind-and-body horniness that’s so conducive to orgasm. That would kind of fit in with your wife’s not wanting to try oral sex or the vibrator, as well as her utter lack of interest in masturbation. Unfortunately there’s not a hell of a lot you can do if that’s the situation. It’s all up to her.