I’m seeing this adorably fantastic boy, and he can’t get me off–but not from lack of trying. He’s enthusiastic about going down on me, or using his hands, and it feels really really really amazing, but I just can’t get off. In fact, I have a hard time coming, even when I masturbate–I’ve had two orgasms in my entire life. I don’t fake them with the boy, but I do react when it feels really nice, which he, upon looking back at it, could have easily mistaken for me having an orgasm.
I dig this boy a lot, and I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but I want him to get me off. I should tell him the truth, though, right? But how should I go about it?
Note–please don’t turn this into a Dr. Drew-esque thread about how I need to relax and stop being so uncomfortable with my body and la te da in order to get off, because that’s not really my question, now is it? 
By the way, I’m 20 years old, and almost completely inexperienced. He is the first boy I’ve ever really really liked, and also the first to ever attempt to get me off.
No, it’s not your question. But it’s still true. If you’re uncomfortable with your body and sexuality, you can’t relax enough to “get off”.
Talk to him and both of you can then work it out.
Better that you talk it out and see what works than keep quiet and never find our.
I’d suggest you bring it up gently. If you feel confortable with the concept, make it clear that it’s something you may be doing wrong (even if it’s not – spares his ego). As far as technique is concerned, slow and easy is best; a long tickle, not an attack. His “enthusiasm” could be part of the problem.
Something like this occurred with a girlfriend of mine. She’d had sex only a few times before we met. She seemed happy with our lovemaking, but eventually she indicated she never had an orgasm. The next time, I slowed things down (slower than she wanted at first) and . . . 
Here’s the thing:
[20-year old male]
If a woman tells me she can’t have orgasms with me, I’m going to wonder if it’s me. It’s got to be my fault since she said she has had them before (even if only twice.) I’m trying everything I can to make her, if not come, then at least feel really good [sub]and I know it works for me, hehe…SCORE![/sub] so I don’t see what the deal is…unless…unless she doesn’t really dig me. Huh, I wonder if that’s it. Nah, she’s probably just screwed up, cuz it couldn’t be me, I rock.
[/20-year old male]
If you are enjoying the sex, forplay and whatnot, then just go with it. Why would you add pressure to the guy to do something amost every man is striving to do anyway? If all he’s concentrating on is giving you an O, then he’s going to be all over the place, trying stupid shit his friends told him their older brothers roommate does all the time to this freak in a sorority who comes so loud it wakes up the neighbors.
My advice, and this is worth maybe what you paid for it, is if it feels good, ask him to keep doing it. An “Oh, yeah, right there…that feels great…keep doing that!” will usually work. If you want him to keep doing what he’s doing, but slightly to the right and up, just say that, then use the line mentioned above.
Well my advice would be to take time for yourself, shut yourself in your room for a little while and work out what works best for you (this is an excellent excuse to have a lot of fun ;)).
Take your time, maybe have a read of some Nancy Friday books, and find out what you like. And then you’ll be able to talk with your boyfriend (or if you feel uncomfortable with that, subtly guide him) about what you’d really like to be happening.
For the record, although i had sex with boyfriends before, i didn’t have an orgasm until a week before my 21st birthday (i owe my life to Tracey Cox and highly recommend this book - it’s unpatronising, funny and gives you the straight dope - what more could you want? Have a read of the introduction and reviews on that amazon page and see if it’s for you) and as much i love my SO and had lots of fun in bed with him, it wouldn’t/couldn’t happen until i knew what to do myself.
As for the problem of hurting his feeling… well, yes you do have to be tactful. It’s a tricky situation. I simply came out with the truth but rather than saying “you have never been able to give me an orgasm”, i said “I have trouble reaching orgasm, even when i’m by myself”. Obviously, i didn’t come out and baldly say that. I think i lead up to with with something like “What does your orgasm feel like for you?” and then went on to explain. Anyway, that way, it’s not something that’s his fault. It’s nobody’s fault. You may need to emphasise this point but not too much, otherwise he may think you’re you’re over-emphasising to try to make him feel better. As for where and when you bring this up, i can’t tell you. There will never be a perfect moment to say it, but i would suggest when you’re having a cuddle in bed (not directly before/during/after sex though). You have to go with what you know of this man - is he likely to run screaming? I doubt it. I know i’m descending into a terrible cliche here, but if he cares about you and wants to make it work, he’ll be willing to work with you and do what it takes. It sounds like he’s pretty damn enthusiastic already, so when you finally do have an orgasm with him, he’ll be thrilled!
Good luck and have fun.
Fran
First of all, tell him. I’m generalizing here (but, as is often the case when I generalize, I don’t care), but most men would rather be ineffective than deceived. I know I would be. I had this problem with a girl I dated. The macho part of me said that it had to be her, because there SURELY wasn’t anything wrong with what I was doing. The insecure portion of my brain was suggesting that it was, in fact, me (this part of me speaks loudly, and often). As is typically the case in ventures such as this (in my experience, anyway), the problem lie somewhere in between. We managed to work our problems out without the benefit of doctors, though I discovered that she had to go see one after we stopped seeing each other, as she was having the same problem with the new guy.
I can relate, TYG - I didn’t get off with another person until I was 22 years old. Now, just try and STOP me. 
But I digress.
Actually, that’s not true - I still sometimes have a hard time reaching orgasm, alone or with a partner - sometimes it just ain’t happening, and it’s no one’s fault. But I have had a much better success rate after…ahem…spending some quality time with myself.
In other words: masturbate, masturbate, masturbate. And experiment with the boyfriend. Let him know that what he does feels amazing, and that you LOVE sex with him. Try stuff. Maybe tongue alone doesn’t get you off, maybe you need tongue and fingers. Maybe you need to get tied up. Maybe the two of you need to go without sex for a week and talk dirty to each other on the phone. On your own, try toys - get a jelly vibrator, a dildo, try them out - in the bed, in the bathtub, with him. Trust me, once you can get yourself off reliably, you can control your reactions to the ministrations of others. Maybe try some alone time before you break the news to him.
I also find that orgasm is mental for me - it requires a mental act of surrender to the other person and what my body is feeling. Are you a control freak who has trouble just “letting go”? That could be part of it too.
Okay, enough Jocelyn Elders impersonations for one day. Happy moaning.
Speaking from personal experience: I have absolutely no trouble having orgasms when I masturbate, never have. But up until ( :checks calender: ) about 4 weeks ago, I had never had a non-self-induced orgasm and I’m 31 years old. I still have not been able to orgasm through straight vaginal sex.
When I first started having sex (oh so long ago), I never brought this up with my boyfriends. I just accepted that I didn’t orgasm and enjoyed sex for what it was, taking care of myself at another time. After several years of this I became brave enough with one boyfriend to bring a toy out during foreplay and gave myself an orgasm. I was happy, he was happy and I never looked back. I used toys all the time with my boyfriends, explaining that I just don’t come otherwise. I got mine, they got theirs and there was the added bonus of they thought it was erotic watching me play.
I then met a man who wouldn’t accept that the problem was me. Many long discussions ensued about what specifically felt good to me, what I didn’t like, etc. Sure enough, I was able to orgasm without doing a damn thing myself. And it was good. Why now and not before? I don’t know … maybe he spent more time than anyone else, maybe he’s just better than everyone else (of course I’m biased now), maybe I was able to relax in a way around him that I wasn’t with anyone before, maybe I feel more for him than I did anyone else. Who knows, but I did have a point for all of the above:
Tell him. You’ll never be able to have an orgasm with him if he doesn’t know. Just don’t begin the discussion while you’re in bed. Pick a time when sex isn’t on the list of things to do and just tell him. You can preface it by saying that you have difficulty having an orgasm on your own, let alone with someone so he doesn’t immediately jump to the ego based assumption that he’s at fault.
However, (I hate to address what you didn’t want addressed) if you can’t get yourself off, you’ll never be able to effectively direct another person to do it for you. I won’t say anymore on this since you didn’t really want it addressed, but if you do want to discuss it further, please feel free to email me.
Try having a drink or two prior to having sex. That relaxes you, enhances your libido and eases a lot of insecurities. Sometimes, if you concentrate too much on having an orgasm, you might not.
Also, buy a book, like the Joy of Sex and experiment and there are books on female masturbation available. Try using ‘electronic items’ (ah-hum), when masturbating. Eventually, you’ll be able to achieve orgasms when you want and feel more at ease.
A boy? Must be some young chap.
You need a man for the job.
As I said before, orgasm is not or should not be, the point of sex. Shucks, all along I though women just like to hug & cuddle. Back to the drawing board.
ThisYearsGirl, Meet raverxhouston, he’s got a thread titled I can’t make my girlfriend get an orgasm..
It might be worth asking him how she told him, as he seems concerned and wanting to help her be able to reach orgasm and doesn’t seem to be obsessing about it being his fault.
There’s also some great advice in there about how to get there, but that may be too Dr. Drewesque for you.
-Doug
Before you talk to him, I think it would be a good idea to rerame your own thoughts–the “He can’t give me an orgasm” attitude is not very productive. The notion that the man is totally responsible for both his nad your orgasms is really outdated. Sex is a team sport-both of you are working together to produce both of your orgasms. Try thinking about like “When we are together, I don’t have an orgasm.”
Second, I wouldn’t worry to much about it. Sex is not binary: orgasm = good sex, no orgasm = bad sex. I have had lousy sex where I came and great sex where I didn’t. If there is a little voice in the back of your head saying “Am I gonna come this time? Am I?” throughout the whole process, well then you aren’t going to, and you aren’t even going to enjoy the rest of it. Nor is he gonna enjoy it if the whole time you are having sex he is thinking " Is she coming? Am Idoing this right? Should I be going faster, slower, sideways?
One suggestion I read once upon a time that I liked was that it is sometimes easier to become cofortable with a person if oyu take turns instead of going for the mutual orgasm from the get go. It is difucult to both worry about pleasing another person and to be relaxed enough to please yourself at the same time. What you do is pick a night when it is “his turn” and the next night is “your turn” (I think tha tthis is the sort of situation where whoever suggests it has to go second). When it is your turn it is his job to make you happy, however long you want him too, and you don’t have to worry about him at all becasue you will pay him back later. This is a good enviroment to talk about what oyu like and what you really really like.
Lastly, I want to repeat the suggestion to masterbate masterbate masterbate.
My simple advice don’t worry about it! I was 26 before I had my first orgasm, and that was on my own. I enjoy sex a lot, but I still only orgasm on my own. That said, I’d like to add that if I had a choice between having sex with my man, but not ever having an orgasm again, or having multiples with anyone else, I would pick my man. To me, orgasm is just a physical thing, and it doesn’t make me see stars and crap. I just shiver a lot, and then there’s the little fountain and that’s it. Having sex (eh, making love) with my man OTOH will bring tears to my eyes and all that. And IMHO, that’s what it’s all about.
So no worries. Life is different for all of us. But it’s still great.
My girlfriend takes forever to cum, I usually have three orgasms (by the way, I’m a guy) before she cums, although by the time i’m on round three, it takes me so long, she usually comes two or three times before i blow my final load.
I think it would help to tell your boyfriend to tell what you like, and when he’s hitting a spot that feels particularly good, and when your close to having an orgasm, that is not a signal for him to speed up or change rythim. Just tell him to hold steady and keep doing what he’s doing. Tell him what to do and what makes you feel good.
Oh, yeah, and relax.
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by Mauvaise *
**
. I used toys all the time with my boyfriends, explaining that I just don’t come otherwise. I got mine, they got theirs and there was the added bonus of they thought it was erotic watching me play.
Mauvaise, I love you…I love having joint masturbating sessions with my girlfriend, it’s such a turn on.
I’m not sure you should initiate a conversation with him on the subject of how you’ve never had an orgasm with him. If you do, be delicate and emphasize that you don’t have them easily no matter what. You most definitely should never fake one, or give him the impression that you’re having them when you’re not.
To improve the situation, I would probably try to slow things down. A lot. Basically make him arouse you to the point of torture before things continue. So, you don’t have to say “you suck at making me come”, but isntead “hey, I want you to drive me crazy before we take things past a certain point”. Much more positive.
And, as everyone else has already said, masturbate like a caged monkey.
Thanks for advice, but I gotta tell you, I didn’t want LoveLine advice because that’s not my problem. Having an orgasm has never been a big deal to me, even when I masturbate. And I’m not particularly uncomfortable with myself, so I don’t think that’s the problem. I don’t really know what the problem is, but I don’t mind it so much. The thing is, I just really dig this guy, and nothing would make me happier than having some amazing orgasm with him, but that’s still not my concern. I was just wondering the best way to tell him.
Thanks so much for the advice, still.
By the way, Francesca, thanks for the book–I just ordered it!
I think you just answered your own question.