My Sexual Troubles (obviously TMI)

Alright folks, I can’t believe I’m posting this here. This is far from my style, usually I do quiet research on my own and keep my problems to myself. But this is something I think I’m probably going to find extremely daunting.

This is mostly a pouring out of my soul and thoughts on my issues and a call for some support since I’m stepping way out of my comfort zone. So let the reader beware.

I’m 21 years old, I learned to masturbate when I was 13 I think. And I’ve been a regular ‘user’ ever since. The longest I think I’ve ever gone without a self induced orgasm is probably 10 days, maybe 2 weeks, and I’ve done many days of multiple orgasms.

I’m still a virgin, mostly by choice. In high school I saw my friends go from enjoying it to having it wreck relationships. I didn’t see the value of it so I never sought it. Rosy never left me and was always ready. Though I never had to turn a naked woman away.

Now I’m in college and I’m beginning to explore more, my last girlfriend and I did a few things including her attempting oral sex on me, but what we discovered was much like what Incubus posted in a similar thread, my body wasn’t sensitive enough to accept the pleasure of her mouth. She attributed it to nervousness, and I didn’t disagree because I didn’t want rumors to spread. I trust her, but she has a tendency to get drunk among our group of friends and let us just say she is not the best at keeping secrets at times like that.

This trouble caused me lots and lots of anxiety and it didn’t help that it was over multiple failed attempts. So I began worrying something might be wrong with the system until I realized I could still whack-it fine.

So the technical realization I came to was that over presence of stimuli leads to a lessening of response to stimuli. To make it sound scientific. So, in theory, if I don’t provide ‘it’ with my hand, it’ll, in theory, return to its normal sensitivity. If it doesn’t then, then I have problems.

Past that, I’ve also discovered I’m suffering from what CSI called, “Porn Creep.” Too much porn has trained my brain to be aroused by more and more pornish stuff, such that even cuddling with a very very attractive woman this past week hardly stirred my penis.

So the problems are obvious, and now’s the time to take steps to right what my body has been doing for 8 years. I don’t expect it to be easy. I expect it to be like an addict going through withdrawals.

I recall seeing the movie, “40 days” where the main character took a 40 day pledge of abstinence and nearly went insane while trying to avoid orgasm. I’m hoping it won’t be that bad, but who knows. Going cold turkey is going to be rough, but I don’t trust myself to be able to ween myself off it.

Hopefully I’ll find results.

Thanks for reading, I’m going to go try and return to my comfort zone now.

The quick and easy solution is to quit wanking so much. 2 days without any kind of relief and you’ll be right back to a horny 15 year old.

I should have also mentioned the other failed attempts followed 2 day stints of avoiding it, also this weekend was after 3 days without. So it isn’t a short term solution for me.

So I’m trying more long term.

You’re stressing, man. Once that cycle starts you’re in for one hell of a time.

Here’s my advice. I am utterly serious about this. It’s the same advice I used to give my students when I was teaching (TA work in grad school).

Before going into the situation that’s causing you performance anxiety…have a beer or two.

As long as you’re thinking about what you’re doing you’ll be handicapping yourself from doing it. You need to relax and not think. Just feel. Just do.

Once you get there the first time you’ll gain confidence.

Oh, and…um…when the girl is heading south with the mouth? Tell her to wrap a hand around Mr Happy and time her up and down with some hand action as well. That’s a great thing and works like a charm.

Don’t forget to return the favor!

I don’t get rock-hard unless I am with somebody that I have strong feelings for. It was true in my 20’s and 30’s. It was quite frustrating because I was visually drawn to many a hot bod but when we hit the sheets I was often a limp disappointment.

Maybe the right chemistry can help turn skin into wood. Wasn’t that the dream of the ancient alchemists?

Well that was my original attribution, since the girl attempting oral on me was not the supermodel of my dreams. But the girl this weekend is the one who I am extremely attracted to and still it remained a limp noodle. So that’s why I’m thinking it requires action on my part.

Firstly, I applaud you for asking this question.

Secondly, I applaud you for feeling comfortable with your sexuality, and yet remaining a virgin. If that’s where it’s at for you, then I think it’s fan-freaking-tastic.

Now, to address your serious question, and this will also have TMI in it - I am a clit girl. I am one of the precious few who need absolute intense pressure and stimuli directly on my clitoris. Most women will tell you this is a bad thing. If it does not happen for me, it ain’t gonna happen for me. The little dance with the fingers will likely end up with me redirecting the hand, or moving the head to place properly for best results.

However, when my BF and I were working within another area of our sexuality, he suggested that i stop using vibrators that I could apply to my clit. He said I should stop them entirely, because that would allow me to begin feeling more sensations elsewhere to achieve orgasms and not depend on that stimulation. Surprisingly, it worked. (Still a clit girl.)

I must admit, though, that there are men who cannot get off with a blow job. I’ve known a few, and trust me, I’ve tried for hours, as I am also very orally inclined and don’t give up easily. It’s just not a thing that works for some men, and it’s NOTHING to be ashamed of. It honestly isn’t. you’re not in the minority that you think you’re in. And I’ve had enough experience in my life (take that however you will) and I now work in a sex-positive environment where conversations like this are normal, every day occurrences.

Please don’t feel badly just because your one GF tried it and it didn’t take. There could be a few reasons. Maybe she’s not good at it. (Hey, how would you know?) You might not be used to other stimulation aside from Mr Right (or Mr. Left, depending). You might just be one of those guys who can’t get off from it.

This, in the long run, is one of the lesser things in life that you should worry about. There are plenty of things you can do with your GF that do not include intercourse that can be gratifying for you both. If you start worrying about this little thing, then I’d hate to see it turn into a hangup and inhibit your sexual development.

Relax. Enjoy. And if you need a few ideas for some fun games you can play that don’t include the big Penetration, let me know off-list. I can recommend some great books or informative websites.

Wait until you find that one thing that REALLY does it for you…va-va-voom!!!

With respect,


Thanks. I’m not embarassed about the fact I’m a virgin. It isn’t something I go bragging about, but if asked I answer honestly.

Thanks for the input and I sort of assumed that it was either I wasn’t a bj guy or what, but last weekend was what stirred (har har, yes I meant to make the joke) my concern over this. I was spooning (clothed) with her and it didn’t make a movement. I mean seriously. We weren’t being sexual, but shouldn’t the closeness like that stir something?

Thanks for the input Inky.

Sometimes yes, sometimes no. The penis is a funny creature, with it’s own moods and issues. At some points you’re just not going to be aroused as easily as others. Sometimes a mere touch is all someone needs. C’est la vie.

Thank you for this. :slight_smile:

I’ve been known to have these same kinds of troubles; it may be partly attributable to masturbation (I know it’s definitely worse when I’ve gotten off recently) but I think it really is more due to worry; you don’t get it up right away, then you worry, then it keeps refusing.

If I can make a suggestion – do other stuff. You don’t need to have a hard-on to have sex. Ask her what she’d like. Give each other massages. Lick her. Eat her out. It’s all good.

I’ve had excellent sex where I didn’t get off. Remember to let yourself feel pleasure everywhere else, too; have her play with other parts of your body – your balls, your nipples, your asshole. And if you get a hard-on midstream, so much the better, but sex isn’t all about your dick.

Bear in mind that if you stay with this woman for a while, it will probably get easier and easier as you both get more and more comfortable having sex. Being as big a slut as I am, I’ve had plenty of first dates, and it can be very nerve-wracking – it’s like you’re being judged on the basis of an improv performance. The first person who made me come from a blowjob was the person I’ve had the most sex with, after I’d had quite a lot of it with him.

(Finally, I’m a little worried about the tone you’re using in referring to masturbation and porn. Words like “user” and “porn creep” make it sound as though you’re having moral concerns about them as well, which may very well be getting in the way too. There’s nothing wrong with either of those things, except insofar as they’re causing you not to be sexually satisfied.)

This is excellent advice. Stop putting so much pressure on Mr Happy. If you make sex only about you getting an erection it puts a lot of pressure on you and that results in performance anxiety. Just concentrate on pleasuring her. Give her lots and lots of oral sex. A lot of men who can’t get it up find that when they pleasure their partner, they are able to achieve erection.

Also remember foreplay. Try to make sex as relaxing as possible. Take long bubble baths together, lightly massage each other’s bodies, etc.

When you do masturbate (and this is important advice for all men) vary your routine and don’t make your grip too tight. There is only a problem with overmasturbation if you masturbate the same way everytime and hold your penis in a death grip. Avoid this and you should be fine.

Good luck!

Thanks kimera and matt_mcl, and the truth is I don’t think it’s all in the penis. Even when I hit the wall, we continued in other ways, I would make sure she got pleasure even if I wasn’t.

Usually, I’m a very confident guy. I like speaking in front of groups, I like leading, but when it comes to women I’m as unsure as a blind cat in a rocking chair factory. I mean, I just don’t know which way to go. And this is something that isn’t helping matters.

So we’re working on it.

Which is exactly what I’ve been doing… I’m using more lube now, which means I can hold it more lightly, and I try to use different methods. Do a Google search for Jackin World; they have lots of different techniques to try.

It’s times like this when classic rock comes to the rescue:

Hold on losely
But don’t let go
If you cling too tightly
You’re gonna lose control!

For sensitivity practice, do it less, and try using a condom for masturbation. That’s all I’ll say.

I think Patty O’Furniture was suggesting that a stronger EMOTIONAL bond, (rather than a hotter chick than the girl who gave you oral sex) might help.

Deepen the non-physical part of your relationship, and things might come easier (so to speak). At least if the physical stuff doesn’t work out the way you’d hoped, you’ll feel a lot more comfortable. It’s hard to laugh about these things if sex is the basis of your relationship, much easier if sex is the icing on the top of a good relationship.

Look at it this way, if you go over to “watch a DVD” with the intetion of having sex, it’s much worse if you don’t have sex, than if you go over to actually watch a DVD, enjoy each other’s company, and maybe do something sexual afterwards.

Be as tactile as you like; cuddle on the sofa, give her footrubs or neck massages, have tickle fights, brush her hair after she’s been in the rain, whatever. Get the idea that you only have to touch each other sexually out of your head. You’ll relax a lot more, and one day you’ll be giving her a back massage that will turn into something a lot more fun.

Advice from a guy who was (and to an extent still is) in a similar situation:

Some backgroud:

I probably started masturbating at…10? Maybe 11. It was sometime in sixth grade, so it’s one of those two. Anyways, the first time I was with a girl wasn’t until i was almost 18. That’s seven years of no stimulation but my own hand. Yes, in that time the technique changed, but I would say the last four years were the same technique. So, naturally, whenever the girlfriend was doing stuff down there, I was never able to climax. We never had “sex” sex, but we did do mutual masturbation and oral. I was perfectly able to get an erection, so I can’t help you there (other than to repeat other people about relaxing beforehand if you can.) In the end, that relationship ended without me ever acheiving an orgasm from that girl (we went out for the first three months of our freshman year at college, and not only was she my fist GF, I was her first BF.)

It was then a year until my next sexual encounter. I had a date to my fraternity formal, and it was with a girl I had met the night before. She was a friend of one of the brothers who was visiting him that weekend, and she needed a date, so I volunteered, just to be nice. Well, as luck would have it, she thought I was hot, and she was very experienced in the world of sex, very opposite to me. Again, no “sex” sex, since she didn’t feel right taking my virginity, but I did get some handjob action…on the bus to a bonfire filled with 50 people, no less. Anyways, again I didn’t orgasm, but I could tell I got closer.

After that night, the next encounter was a few motnhs later in February. I had a date with a girl I knew ahd feelings for me. Well, again, it was a very sexually experienced girl, and we went to bed that night (once again, no “sex” sex.) However, I was finally able to climax from another person, and I figured out the reason. I need to please my partner. I find it practically impossible to climax if I am not simultaneously making them feel good. I have a few times, but never from a BJ (the closest was that same girl (GF for almost a year and a half after that.) She did oral for 80%, but had to finish with just the hand, as her mouth was sore.)

Basically what I’m saying is there might be some “thing” that needs to be done for you to get fully aroused and acheive orgasm. Maybe you need her to move in a certain way, maybe you need to do a partciular foreplay beforehand, but no matter what it may be, the only way you’ll find out is by getting comfortable doing these things with anther person, whuich means doing them a lot, which can be very fun :smiley:

So try to stop fretting over it and just have fun as berst you can, and I’m sure it will come (pun intended) naturally.

Maybe you need a goat, a Garden Weasel, and a 6 iron.

Hey, it worked for m-- my friend.


I knew I was forgetting something.

And thanks to the rest of you for your advice and support, I will be reporting back, though who knows how long it will be until I can put it to the test. So we’ll see.