I choke when confronted with sex. help.(long)

The BBQ Pit
1

I need to get this out because I do not know who else to turn to. I started to tell my best friend, but apparently he could not relate to my problem. So I turn to the dopers… I don’t know if this belongs in the BBQ pit but stick with me here because who knows… this could become vulgar…

Right before my 18th birthday I met this girl through one of my friends. I’ll call her Kristen. Kristen was smart and attractive and I immediately was drawn to her. I had a good conversation with her and I told my friend (a girl) how I felt about her. Kristen found out and invited me and some friends to a party she was having. When I arrived at the party, she basically dropped everything and hung out with me the entire time, which was great. I got to know her a little better and we made plans to go out on our own sometime.

We hung out all day. Not a second was boring. Went to eat, talked at my friends house for awhile, went to a movie… then that night we sat under the stars during a monsoon and watched the lightning on a lawn chair. Made out… good times. I would like to mention that pretty much the whole day i had a hard on. I mention this because… well…

Next time we hang out, its another all day thing. Nothing really advances here, we just get to know eachother a little better. That night we nearly had sex on my friends guest room bed, where I was staying before I headed off to the dorms at University of Arizona. I was ready to go, but my dick never exited my pants that night…

So I don’t see her for about a week. I come visit down at our mutual friends house who set us up and I have my own little living space, like a little apartment thats attached to her house. Tonight’s the night, I was thinking. (You see, I was… and I guess I still am, technically a virgin… of course I lied to her and said I have had sex before… I guess I was ashamed of being an 18 year old virgin and plus I didn’t want to put any pressure on her) After taking her out, I took Kristen back to my little bachelor pad I had been given for the night. We fooled around and I was ready to go… that is until she said she was ready… when she got naked… and when I got naked… I was no longer ready.

It wasn’t because I was unattracted to her… oh I was. Believe me. But when the opportunity came, I went soft. Nearly instantly. We tried to get it back up, but I was in a panic inside, not understanding why this was happening. I thought of times in movies and tv “oh it happens to all guys”… I never thought it would happen to me… EVER. God, I get erections just thinking about girls, let along having a naked one in front of me… but for some reason, nothing could get me past maybe 25% - 50% from that point forward. We did some kinky stuff too, (handcuffs?! holy shit how did i not get hard??!) she was willing to do anything… I was that lucky to get a girl willing to do anything with me and I couldn’t do shit… well I did get her off… rather easily too which surprised me… I guess all the foreplay we did to get me hard (unsuccessfully) got her warmed up. But even with my finger, my tongue inside her… it did nothing for me. I actually did try to penetrate her that night, but I was only at about 50% and not even her performing oral on me got me past that mark.

But I am staying there for the weekend and I guess she didn’t let what happened bother her because she agreed to come out with me the next day. I assured her it wasn’t her, but it was me. I told her it was because I had never had sex with a girl I liked before (which is true…) and that the thought of being with someone I liked was too much to handle… ok I thought… tonight is the night…

Strike 2. I couldn’t get it up. Again. And again I found myself pleasing her without my penis. Now I was really worried because I mean the first night I figured maybe it was because I … releived some tensions that morning. But I had no excuse for this particular night. But again, she didn’t seem to really mind since I got her off. I will say though, that I had a great time fooling around with her EVEN THOUGH… my penis might tell you otherwise.

Day 3, I took her to the mall, we had a good time. Interestingly enough, I had a hard on just walking with her in the mall. I figured tonight was the night. So I took her back to the little guest house and discovered that once agian, once she asked me if I was ready, even though at the time she asked me I WAS READY… the second she asked, my dick shrunk so fast it pratically shot up my own ass. I told her I didn’t even want to try that night and that I wanted to go on a “sexual fast” for awhile, “abstaining from all sexual acts” so that the next time I saw her, I’d be a sure thing.

But quite frankly, I am not so sure about that. And ever since that night, NOTHING is arrousing me. Its been about 24 hours since then and I don’t think I have had a boner in that duration. I think about things that used to get me horny as fuck and now they dont. It’s like Im fucking impotent all of a sudden. Maybe its because getting head doesnt feel as good as I thought it would (maybe shes not good at it… or more likely its because i wasnt fucking hard all the way)… but I don’t really know for sure. All I know is that I wanted to have sex, and have wanted to for a long time… and when I got the chance… I choked… what should i fucking do??

2

Viagra? Seriously, I know that some young guys take it because it gets them harder than they get normally. If you could artificially get it up, have a magical evening with your girlfriend, maybe some of the anxiety and other psychological crap behind your problem will disappear, and next time, you can enjoy it naturally.

3

For what it’s worth, you’re really not the only guy who, for all that he’d really like to get laid, just isn’t having any luck with doing the deed. I also “choke when confronted with sex” - only in my case, it’s more of a chickening-out thing than, uh, structural problems. Don’t know if knowing you’re not unique helps, but- shrugs.

Anyway, here’s a couple thoughts on solving your problem. I wouldn’t suggest Viagra - messing with prescription drugs isn’t really a good idea, especially when it sounds like the problem is psychological rather than physical. So maybe it might help if you treated this the same way you would treat an exam that you might be worried about “choking” on - the SATs, say.

Seriously - for you, getting laid seems to be about as high-stress a situation as the SATs are for many people, or final exams. So plan ahead - do some reading (kama sutra, playboy, sex for dummies, etc.) so that you have some definate ideas for things you’d like to try, that have been laid out for you in an easy-to-follow manner. That way, you don’t have to think “Is this a good idea?” Just rely on the text.

Get some sleep the night before your date - a full 8 hours, and go easy on the caffeine. If you’re sleep-deprived, you’ll be more anxious - for the same reason, make sure you eat three squares, particularly breakfast, on the Big Day. It works for the SATs, it can work for this - you’ll feel better and more confident with a good blood-sugar level. It sounds like a platitude, but it’s true.

If you absolutely need some chemical assistance to get over the jitters, stick to good ole booze, and not a lot of it. A drink may help calm your nerves a bit - but getting drunk, or seriously buzzed, is probably unwise. My thought, anyway.

One more thing - no shame in being 18 and still being a virgin. I’m 20, and while I’m certainly not pleased that I’ve never gotten any (dear merciful God, please fix that this year), I’m not embarassed to admit it.

4

Performance anxiety. It’s all in your head, the one on your shoulders. Just hang out with her untill you’re extremely comfortable with her, maybe a couple days. Tell her that when it’s time, you’re gonna give it to her right then and there (consentually of course). If you keep worrying about it, it won’t go away, so just relax. Also, try not to take too long getting the two of you nekkid. Just go with the flow, and soon you’ll be experiencing the joy of sex.

5

<insert irritating and stupid quip about school choice being the obvious problem>

Unfortunately, I have no good advice as I’m making plans to remain a virgin for life.

6

Yeah I was thinking about this. It seems the longer we make out, the more unarrousing it becomes. The first couple minutes I am ready, but after a while it gets repetitive and, while I find it fun, physically I get bored. Maybe he just gets impatient.

Yeah, I wouldn’t consider this because I know for a fact this isnt a physical problem, but completely in my head. I mean, I’m getting hard, just not when it matters.

I was thinking about this too. However, Kristen told me that she would not sleep with me if I had drunk a few… I don’t know why, especially considering that I am sure it would help. Under a few beers I am sure I wouldn’t be stressing over this and that I probably wouldn’t have a problem getting it up… I can cite the fact that normally I am bladder shy - I can’t piss if somebody is watching me… but when I’m drunk, I could take a whiz in front of an audience and not give two shits… so yeah maybe I’ll sneak a shot when shes not looking…

7

Dude,

I feel for you, namely because I was there once upon a time. It’s anxiety, plain and simple. I remember my first time (I was 22, so your 18 doesn’t really compare…) and it was much the same. The girl I was with (married to now) had a few boyfriends before and I knew she was active. We were mutual friends before (eg, she knew one of my friends) and had grown quite fond of eachother (we’d both been through hard breakups just days apart from eachother.) Anyway, after about a month of just hanging out and being friends, we were up at 4 am at a Waffle House (little chain-diner deal) and I said “Best get you home.” She was like “What if I don’t want to go home?” And I was like “Well, best get you to a hotel then.” Joking, mind you, but we’d been flirting and teasing for a few hours by then, and a little inebreated, but I digress. Anyway, we end up in a hotel and BANG! Littlemang doesn’t want to come out and play…

Anyway, that was an experience I wish I hadn’t had happen, and since then, I’ve realized it was an anxiety block. See, you aren’t all that familiar with this girl, are you? It sounds like you’re just droolin’ over her. Well, bub, that ain’t enough for most guys (at least the ones I know.) Unless you’re really comfortable with her, you won’t get it to work right, and even if you do, you probably won’t enjoy it well enough. Anyway, that’s my two cents. Don’t worry, just chill.

8

Truer words have never been spoken. The first time my GF and I had sex, the little guy got REAL shy and wouldn’t come out to play. Then we gave up on the idea, just cuddled and smooched, and he decided to say ‘hi’. Not being THAT experienced sexually, I was nervous, as are you.

My only advice is to strike while the iron is hot. Don’t fiddle faddle around, if he’s ready, get a wetsuit on him and dive in.

9

Sweet precious angel!

Honey, that happens to all men, no matter how bad you want it, sometimes BECAUSE you want it so badly, nature betrays you.

I disagree with the hurry mentality, thats not gonna work, if you rush to get it in because its hard, it will just go soft.

Just TELL her you have some performance anxiety, she probably knows that by now anyway, and honey, if you are using hands and mouth to make up for it, she probably doesnt mind!!!

Try taking the pressure off yourself, sex doesnt have to have penetration, it doesnt even have to have orgasm.

Just BE with her, cuddle, snuggle, fool around a bit, go to sleep, i bet you a MILLION dollars, you wake up about 2am rock hard and you shag like minxes.

10

It was Jesus punishing you for thinking of premarital sex.
Ok, not really.

If this does happen to you again, how about doing some activity with her to totally take your mind off the deed for a little while. sometimes a head of steam will stop the engine working, IYKWIM.

11

For the record being an 18 year old virgin is hardly special, I was a virgin until 23.

See a doctor. Really. Don’t bother blaming yourself since you’re just going to go into a tailspin and sprial down into hell (or have no sex with is like hell, just without the heat).

If you don’t want to do that, you should probably talk to her truthfully. Go slow and try not to think about it. Getting a “bad” Bj is nothing special (it’s actually a good thing for a youngster, it means she’s hasn’t been blowing the football team :smiley: )

You’ve also only been going out with her for 3 days? Maybe you’re taking it a bit fast? Sex isn’t and shouldn’t be a goal unto itself. It’s almost like you want to rush into sex just so you’re no longer a virgin. That’s wrong for both her and you.

12

Instead of trying to get hard when things are going soft, just realx, do some cuddling (naked even) and you might be surprised that the lil guy decides to join the party all in his own good time.

It’s really not that big a deal, and the fact that you’re trying so hard may actually be increasing your stress level and causing the exact opposite reaction.

Cuddle, don’t focus on the dick and it’ll happen when it’s time to.

13

Yep, it’s the combination of nerves and unreadiness. It sucks, but it’s extremely common, and any woman with sexual experience has probably seen it before and won’t hold it against you. The people who are telling you to chill out and take things slowly are right.

BTW, please remember that this is awkward for the girl as well, especially if she isn’t particularly experienced; there’s a good chance that she’s doubting her own attractiveness right now. Be kind.

14

Definitely performance anxiety. And the more you try to will it hard, the less likely it is to happen. So you need to stop making this such a high-stress situation. First, I would level with her – tell her you’re a virgin. That will take some of the pressure off. Trying to maintain the pretense that you’ve had sex before and still explain why you can’t have sex with her is just adding to the pressure.

Also, don’t be afraid to touch yourself when you’re making out. I used to think it would look like I didn’t like what she was doing so I kept my hands completely away, which meant that if her attention was elsewhere I wouldn’t be getting any stimulation. You’re not trying to masturbate, of course, just give it the occasional squeeze to keep it firm. When you go for condom application and subsequent penetration, keep a firm grip on the base of your penis.

Try to be zen about the whole thing – don’t think “holy shit, if I go limp this is going to be a disaster”. The phrase that should be stuck in your mind is “there’s no hurry”. If you’re calm, the sex will be inevitable, even if you have a few false starts. This happens to lots of people their first time, and all it takes is calming down and doing it once and you’ll be fine forever after.

15

Performance anxiety. It happens to EVERY man, and probably most women in one incarnation or another.

Next time it happens, don’t trip out. Relax. Also, instead of having an anxiety attack because you’re a virgin, you might want to be honest with her about your “status”. Not only will it maybe be a turn-on for her, but she’ll then be prepared for the 10 seconds of sex that will follow :smiley:

Listen to everybody’s advice above, and most of all, CHILL OUT. The more you worry, the less likely you are to be ‘functional’.

Sam

16

I have to second all of this. As the woman who was on the other side of a similar situation (and I was a virgin at the time too), I was going “WTF, am I ugly or something? Do I smell bad ‘down there’? Am I doing something wrong?” Once he confessed that basically he didn’t want to seem like a dweeb for being a virgin, I was so relieved. Just tell her that you know it was stupid, but you felt dumb (or whatever) about saying you’re a virgin, and you’re just feeling stressed about the first time and wanting to “be good enough” for her.

Now, assuming she’s cool about that - and if she isn’t, that’s just astonishingly nasty of her - don’t set out to Have Sex For the First Time. That’s just way too much pressure. Set out to have fun sexually, but prepare for the possibility of sex - have condoms/lube/whatever available. Try to pleasure each other in ways not involving actual intercourse. Oral sex, using your hands, all that stuff. If both of you have fun and intercourse isn’t an option for that night, big deal. You had fun, and you’re getting relaxed around her sexually. Do it again some other time, and you might well find that things are a lot more conducive towards actually having sex.

17

What Giraffe and Ferret said. Tell her you’re a virgin. You don’t want her to think it’s her, or that you’re not attracted to her. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. She’ll probably be flattered that she’s making you nervous about pleasing her. Plus, you haven’t been together long AT ALL. There’s no rush. In fact, I’d recommend waiting until you know her better and are completely comfortable with her. You shouldn’t rush into sex just for the sake of not being a virgin.

18

Try just being naked without having sex. If you propose to get in bed naked and just cuddle I’m pretty sure after a while you’ll be burning for sex. After you’ve been naked and cuddling and physically together naked for a few times things will come naturally.

19

This has got to be one of the sweetest, most reassuring things I’ve heard from a man in a long time.

What everyone else said. And have fun.

20

Clearly, you weren’t in the room when I told Mrs. Giraffe “you’re not that fat”.

:smiley: